Why do I still love her after she cheated on me?

Hi Jesse,

Still feeling like shit it’s been roughly three months since this break up. Finding out she’s pregnant and then just the other week found out she’s been cheating on me with the same for about 3 months before this breakup. Every weekend she would go out with her aunt and uncle to have drinks well that’s not the only thing she was doing. I’d even ask her if she was sleeping with anyone cuz their were weekends where she wasn’t calling or at least letting me know. She would lie right to me saying no. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt and gave her my trust that she wasn’t doing anything. The break up was easy compared to the cheating part. I feel betrayed embarrassed, my dignities been taken from me. like my hearts been stomped on its like she stole apart of and I’m searching for it. Picking up the pieces. The sad thing is I still love her. Why would someone love somebody after they crushed their world? It’s affecting how I work at my job I don’t eat sleep and force myself to get things done. Thanks for letting me say some of what’s going on in my life

There may be two levels of analysis here.

You still “love” her because you don’t love yourself

When we crave connection and we crave someone’s affection, sometimes it doesn’t matter what they’ve done to us. We’re willing to look past any wrongdoings on their part — even cheating.

This only happens when we forget to value ourselves. When we forget to believe that we are worth more than the treatment we’re getting. And the only reason we cannot, and do not, stand up for ourselves is because deep down we have false belief that we are simply not good enough.

When we believe we are good enough and when we are able to love ourselves, there will simply be no room for people that treat us unlovingly.

You still love her because love is not a choice

You might still love her because the circuits in your brain are simply still… there.

You still love her because you loved her before you learnt all this and you can’t just turn love off. These feelings need to come down organically, and they will. 3 months is not a very long time.

Other things to consider

Getting cheated on feels horrible for one because we instinctively take it as a rejection of who we are. It feels as though somehow this means that you’re not good enough. You trusted her, you made yourself vulnerable to her – and she chose to stab you in the back.

I’ve been cheated on and I’ve been left for another guy. I know the embarrassment you’re talking about.

Looking back, I’ve come to see that those relationships weren’t going to survive in the long run anyway and that the women I was with weren’t right for me. The pain I went through made me stronger and although initially it made me want to close my heart, ultimately it taught me how to be brave and continue to open my heart, despite the risk of getting hurt.

The embarrassment is completely gone. I felt embarrassed because I felt like a joke, a sucker a push-over. But that only lasted as long as I saw myself as the person that had been personally rejected from being in a relationship I wanted to be in with someone I wanted to be in it with. With time and with insight, all of that changed.

Trusting her was brave. Turned out you couldn’t – that’s a valuable life lesson and it will help you develop and hone your intuition going forward. You opened your heart to her and she chose to betray you. That’s sad on her part. I don’t pity you. I pity her, because somehow she wasn’t ready or able to accept that love. I also pity her because she must be living in such darkness and pain for her to be able to deceive someone so close to her so deeply for such a long time.

Make sense?

About Jesse

I’ve been helping guys recover from their breakups since 2012. Work with me to fast-track your recovery.

Comments

  1. Hi, first time posting on here. I was wondering if anyone could give me some honest truth. I was a pretty terrible boyfriend. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time after some childhood trauma stuff that I have a hard time dealing with. These aren’t excuses at all, though I developed a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol for the last 9 months of our 4.5 year long relationship. She told me that she was waiting for me to fix myself and to be strong enough to overcome my issues. In retrospect, I think I needed an intervention and she admitted she was unwilling to believe I had a problem (that I couldn’t fix without professional help.) I would black out and be argumentative and embarrass myself at home while not remembering the majority of it the next day. I lost my job because I cared more about alcohol than functioning like an adult (I’m 22). I know that the majority of our relationship issues were because of my issues and my lack of attention to her and our relationship… but did I deserve to be cheated on? I don’t have any concrete proof, but a lot of little things that she said during the end of our relationship makes me think she was at least talking to a guy at her work. I imagine it was more than that, but God knows I can’t accuse her/talk to her about it now. We’re no contact three weeks after she left me. I just have this gut feeling that she immediately went to the guy. I’ve read on here that she was processing all of this stuff for months leading up to the break up, so it would make sense logically to move on to another relationship in her perspective. But if there was overlap, isn’t she in the wrong too? Couldn’t she have faced the truth earlier in the relationship (I mean it was six months of me not having a job and drinking my savings away.) Couldn’t she just admit the fact that I had a problem, bring her parents and my parents in to sit me down and tell me I needed to get help or I would lose her? Idk guys I’m just venting a bit now, and it’s shameful and embarrassing that I lost her. But I feel wronged by how she handled things, even if I don’t have the right to feel wronged after not treating her how I now know I should treat my partner. She said breaking up with me was the intervention. If you have any thoughts or advice of how to move on, I’d appreciate it. I know what I have to do to better myself and get sober, and I know the lessons from the relationship and how I can treat a future partner better… I just feel the need to be set straight and be told I deserved to be cheated on (or at the very least, replaced almost immediately) or that she couldn’t handled the situation better. Or that there is another perspective from those two options. Thanks

  2. Prossie Mwkenya says:

    I hv been cheated by my girlfriend, and when I find out ,she still lied to me for over 2months now ,she still told me it’s not true,but I hv all the evidence against her because I secretly saw the chart on her phone thru her friend,where the guy told her ,she love all what happened between them and which she could come next time ,I no her but I don’t no what to do

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