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She used me to move on to another guy. Should I confront her?

Jesse Martin

October 14, 2017

Hi Jesse,

Just wanted to say a big congratulations on the site. The advice here is pretty much exactly what I needed and relates so closely to how I'm feeling.

I am 26 and my (ex) girlfriend is 24. We had been together almost 7 years before she broke up with me 5 weeks ago. During the 7 years we had some great times together and I was living at her family home with her, her brother and her dad for the past 2 years. Earlier this year (Feb-April) I believe I was going through a quarter life crisis. I've always had the goal to live and work in London (I am Australian), a goal that she never shared. During the period from Feb-April I was short with her and pushed her away due to unseen resentment towards her. In early May she said we needed to take a break and I moved back home for a few weeks. We got back together again and broke up again and then got back together again for a couple of months. The communication was still there and I did everything in my power to become the person that I thought she'd always wanted. Then 5 weeks ago she said she'd had enough and didn't know if she felt the same way about me anymore. I grovelled for two weeks, cried and wrote her a letter outlining my future goals with her, which resonated well with her for a few days. After two weeks she said it was over and she thought of me as a really good friend.

I have been in no contact for 3 weeks now and still feel helpless. We are on the same phone bill and I went through her records and found hundreds of calls and texts to a number that has been going on for the past 4 months. I called the number and a guy answered. I want to know if I should confront her about this or if I should just remain in no contact? I love her to death but I have a feeling that she has used me for her succession plan with this guy.

Any help would be appreciated.


Sounds like this was probably your first relationship, correct? Our first breakup tends to be the most painful. It's the first time we experience strong romantic passion towards someone else and it's usually the first time we are on the receiving end of that feeling as well.

Because it is our first time experiencing these feelings, we have no frame of reference. We can't compare how we feel about this girlfriend to our previous girlfriend. We don't have the life experience to know, and feel, the difference between what's special about being with this specific person vs. the pleasant feelings any relationship would give you.

So after 3 weeks of no contact I'm not surprised you "still" feel helpless. That's normal. This was your first love, you were together for 7 years and now it appears she left you for another guy. The natural response is helplessness. And 3 weeks is no time at all.

Your assessment about what's going on with this number she's been texting with is probably right. Our instincts are surprisingly well attuned to these types of situations.

Should you confront her about it? Absolutely not.

There's nothing here to be gained by you.

If you do confront her, you're going to have to break no contact and suffer the consequences of having memories and emotions being triggered.

If she confirms it's true, what's that going to do? Make you more angry, more sad - maybe bring up more questions (Who is this guy? How could she do this? etc.)

If she denies it, it may still make you feel bad for getting upset in the first place. Or maybe the way she answers your question makes you doubt she's telling the truth. Next thing you know you're obsessing over whether or not she's lying to you and has been doing so for months.

And what if you get into an argument about the fact that you went through her phone records?

Fuck. That.

Don't do it man. There's no value here for you.

Your commitment to no contact is about avoiding temptations like this.

Emotions are going to draw you in. Your mind will find convincing arguments that you should contact her, that you should check her Facebook or her phone bill.

Fuck. That.

No contact all the way man. No exceptions. This wouldn't help you in any way.

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