My girlfriend left me for another guy
August 16, 2012
My girlfriend left me for another guy and it was devastating. It's one thing to be on the receiving end of a breakup. You experience rejection by someone you love and hold dearly. It can be incredibly confusing and painful (which is why I created an extensive guide with all my best advice on how to get over a breakup for men). When your girlfriend leaves you for another man, however, things can get even worse.
Update: Be sure to check out the comment section for many similar stories!
Not only do you have to deal with feelings of rejection of being dumped, and feelings of loneliness and loss associated with the breakup, you ALSO have to deal with feelings of ineptitude, insignificance and betrayal. It's brutal, and if it's happened to you, I feel for you.
My girlfriend left me for someone else, and the intense, debilitating pain I went through was the catalyst for this blog. In addition I've talked to a lot of guys that have gone through similar experiences and I truly believe it is one of the most painful experiences available to the male human being.
It destroys your world.
I remember when it happened to me. It felt as if it had literally torn open my heart. The emotional pain was so bad it turned into physical pain combined with the worst types of anxiety I have ever experienced.
If that sounds familiar, you've come to the right place.
(I couldn't cover all there is to know in this article. Save yourself time and needless suffering and get access to my best pieces of advice in my book: The Breakup Recovery Manual for Men.)
I wish I could give you one technique to make all your pain go away. But I can't. No one can. The reality is you're going to feel like shit for a while.
But you know what? That's okay. Because it's normal to feel sad and depressed after a breakup. And you know what? You're going to get over her. You're going to deal with your breakup and move on. These days may be the hardest but it keeps getting easier and easier. And if you put the tools and techniques on this site to work, you'll become a better man because of it!
I'm going to be super blunt with you, because if after reading my breakup guide, you're still hungry for more. You need to hear this.
WARNING: This is not for the faint-hearted.
She's not the one
I know she may feel like it. I know you might think you 'know' it. I know you guys might have said you were soulmates. Well, guess what? There are a million guys that walked that path before you my friend. There are literally millions of guys out there who thought some girl was 'the one' and who got hit by reality. Just like you. Hell, I was one of them.
But you know what? It's okay to have thought that. I know I did. It's the natural thing to do, especially if it's your first love, it feels like the only person in the world that can make you happy. But, that's just not true. Most guys end up with some other woman, and again they'll have the same feelings of her being the one. But the second time around they'll have some more perspective, and they'll realize that it might feel that way, but that doesn't make it accurate. The truth is, most guys need to cut their teeth on a couple of relationships before they settle down.
What's more, thinking in terms of the one is irrational. In fact it's far more likely you haven't met a whole lot of people. Certainly not enough to be able to say with any certainty that out of the millions of women in the world, this specific one was the best and only match for you.
"Well that might be true," you might say, "but then why do I feel this way?"
The answer is it's your emotional brain talking, and we're gonna start talking back to it with our rational brain.
Believing she was the one doesn't make any logical sense, but more than anything, it is a sign you were probably emotionally dependent on your relationship. Were you worried more about how she felt, than how you felt? Were you worried more about if her needs were met, than if your needs were met? If so, those are pretty clear signs there was an unhealthy balance in your relationship, and the reason you were still in it wasn't all love, but because you were also addicted to it. So what you're feeling now, are essentially withdrawal symptoms.
Believing she was the one doesn't make any logical sense, but more than anything, it is a sign you were probably emotionally dependent on your relationship.
You might not want to admit it yet - and not a whole lot of guys are able to - but your relationship is most likely beyond saving. If she initiated the breakup and you're shocked, then she's way ahead of you in processing this whole thing. She probably saw it coming months ago and has been unconsciously preparing herself for this moment. You, on the other hand, are a deer caught in the headlights. I urge you: don't walk in to the light - in fact don't even stare at it - it's time to jump out of the collision course.
It's very, very, very hard to say goodbye to the future you undoubtedly imagined together. I'm not going to deny that. And I can't make you do it. I can say, however, that this is the single most important thing you will have to do, to get through this. You need to accept it's over and commit yourself to moving on. Because as long as you don't take that step, you're holding on to hope, you're holding on to expectations, and you're going to get painfully disappointed.
You need to accept it's over and commit yourself to moving on.
Now that you're broken up, you might find that your ex is behaving weird, irrational and generally not recognizable. That's because this is super emotionally taxing on her too, she's processing this in a totally different way and she's probably further down the line in doing so. It happens. It's important to talk about your feelings and surround yourself with loved ones, and women are exceptionally good at that. As a result they often have an easier time coming to terms with their feelings.
I had a hard time letting go as well. It felt like my ex girlfriend completely changed character after our breakup, and it was really tough and confusing dealing with it. The moment I was able to accept that we had no future together was when I realized that the girl I fell in love with, no longer existed. There was only this other girl, who was acting irrationally and impulsively, hurting me along the way. I knew that I couldn't hold on to something that didn't exist anymore, so I was able to let go.
The moment I was able to accept that we had no future together was when I realized that the girl I fell in love with, no longer existed.
If you can't make that step just yet: fake it until you make it. Go no contact and observe how your feelings and thoughts transform as you are able to disentangle your emotions from your thoughts.
Time For YOU
So what now? Well first of all, the fact that you might feel that you're falling into an emptiness right now is an indication that your relationship was probably too much of a crutch to your identity. It's because we as guys are very susceptible to really lose ourselves in a relationship. We often tend to give it our everything and connect to our beloved like we've never connected before.
In reality that's our inner insecurities surfacing, and it freaks women out over the long term. It's the classic case of where a girl feels suffocated, and all the guy does is try harder, suffocating her even more.
Women don't want to be put on a pedestal. They don't want a guy that tries to satisfy their every need. They don't want a guy that worries whether they're mad or not. But at the same time they are not consciously aware of this, let alone articulate it. They just get frustrated and lose attraction for you.
Women are very emotional creatures themselves, they want a guy that is a rock in restless waters. They want a confident guy, that knows who he is and what he stands for.
And that's a healthy stereotype to strive for. You do it by taking experiences like this, and learning all there is to learn from it. You take the time to think about yourself. What is your identity? What are YOUR needs and how did you sacrifice them in the relationship? That is how you grow and move on. And that's where your focus should be if your girlfriend left you for another guy.