My Girlfriend Left Me For Another Guy

My girlfriend left me for another guy and it was devastating. It’s one thing to be on the receiving end of a breakup. You experience rejection by someone you love and hold dearly. It can be incredibly confusing and painful (which is why I created an extensive guide with all my best advice on how to get over a breakup for men). When your girlfriend leaves you for another man, however, things can get even worse.

Update: Be sure to check out the comment section for many similar stories!

Not only do you have to deal with feelings of rejection of being dumped, and feelings of loneliness and loss associated with the breakup, you ALSO have to deal with feelings of ineptitude, insignificance and betrayal. It’s brutal, and if it’s happened to you, I feel for you.

My girlfriend left me for someone else, and the intense, debilitating pain I went through was the catalyst for this blog. In addition I’ve talked to a lot of guys that have gone through similar experiences and I truly believe it is one of the most painful experiences available to the male human being.

It destroys your world.

I remember when it happened to me. It felt as if it had literally torn open my heart. The emotional pain was so bad it turned into physical pain combined with the worst types of anxiety I have ever experienced.

If that sounds familiar, you’ve come to the right place.

(I couldn’t cover all there is to know in this article. Save yourself time and needless suffering and get access to my best pieces of advice in my book: The Breakup Recovery Manual for Men.)

Listen man, I wish I could give you one technique to make all your pain go away. But I can’t. No one can. The reality is you’re going to feel like shit for a while.

But you know what? That’s okay. Because it’s normal to feel sad and depressed after a breakup. And you know what? You’re going to get over her. You’re going to deal with your breakup and move on. These days may be the hardest but it keeps getting easier and easier. And if you put the tools and techniques on this site to work, you’ll become a better man because of it!

I’m going to be super blunt with you, because if after reading my breakup guide, you’re still hungry for more. You need to hear this.

WARNING: This is not for the faint-hearted.

She’s not the one

I know she may feel like it. I know you might think you ‘know’ it. I know you guys might have said you were soulmates. Well, guess what? There are a million guys that walked that path before you my friend. There are literally millions of guys out there who thought some girl was ‘the one’ and who got hit by reality. Just like you. Hell, I was one of them.

But you know what? It’s okay to have thought that. I know I did. It’s the natural thing to do, especially if it’s your first love, it feels like the only person in the world that can make you happy. But, that’s just not true. Most guys end up with some other woman, and again they’ll have the same feelings of her being the one. But the second time around they’ll have some more perspective, and they’ll realize that it might feel that way, but that doesn’t make it accurate. The truth is, most guys need to cut their teeth on a couple of relationships before they settle down.

What’s more, thinking in terms of the one is irrational. In fact it’s far more likely you haven’t met a whole lot of people. Certainly not enough to be able to say with any certainty that out of the millions of women in the world, this specific one was the best and only match for you.

“Well that might be true,” you might say, “but then why do I feel this way?”

The answer is it’s your emotional brain talking, and we’re gonna start talking back to it with our rational brain.

Believing she was the one doesn’t make any logical sense, but more than anything, it is a sign you were probably emotionally dependent on your relationship. Were you worried more about how she felt, than how you felt? Were you worried more about if her needs were met, than if your needs were met? If so, those are pretty clear signs there was an unhealthy balance in your relationship, and the reason you were still in it wasn’t all love, but because you were also addicted to it. So what you’re feeling now, are essentially withdrawal symptoms.

Believing she was the one doesn’t make any logical sense, but more than anything, it is a sign you were probably emotionally dependent on your relationship.

It’s over

You might not want to admit it yet – and not a whole lot of guys are able to – but your relationship is most likely beyond saving. If she initiated the breakup and you’re shocked, then she’s way ahead of you in processing this whole thing. She probably saw it coming months ago and has been unconsciously preparing herself for this moment. You, on the other hand, are a deer caught in the headlights. I urge you: don’t walk in to the light – in fact don’t even stare at it – it’s time to jump out of the collision course.

It’s very, very, very hard to say goodbye to the future you undoubtedly imagined together. I’m not going to deny that. And I can’t make you do it. I can say, however, that this is the single most important thing you will have to do, to get through this. You need to accept it’s over and commit yourself to moving on. Because as long as you don’t take that step, you’re holding on to hope, you’re holding on to expectations, and you’re going to get painfully disappointed.

You need to accept it’s over and commit yourself to moving on.

Now that you’re broken up, you might find that your ex is behaving weird, irrational and generally not recognizable. That’s because this is super emotionally taxing on her too, she’s processing this in a totally different way and she’s probably further down the line in doing so. It happens. It’s important to talk about your feelings and surround yourself with loved ones, and women are exceptionally good at that. As a result they often have an easier time coming to terms with their feelings.

I had a hard time letting go as well. It felt like my ex girlfriend completely changed character after our breakup, and it was really tough and confusing dealing with it. The moment I was able to accept that we had no future together was when I realized that the girl I fell in love with, no longer existed. There was only this other girl, who was acting irrationally and impulsively, hurting me along the way. I knew that I couldn’t hold on  to something that didn’t exist anymore, so I was able to let go.

The moment I was able to accept that we had no future together was when I realized that the girl I fell in love with, no longer existed.

If you can’t make that step just yet: fake it until you make it. Go no contact and observe how your feelings and thoughts transform as you are able to disentangle your emotions from your thoughts.

Time For YOU

So what now? Well first of all, the fact that you might feel that you’re falling into an emptiness right now is an indication that your relationship was probably too much of a crutch to your identity. It’s because we as guys are very susceptible to really lose ourselves in a relationship. We often tend to give it our everything and connect to our beloved like we’ve never connected before.

In reality that’s our inner insecurities surfacing, and it freaks women out over the long term. It’s the classic case of where a girl feels suffocated, and all the guy does is try harder, suffocating her even more.

Women don’t want to be put on a pedestal. They don’t want a guy that tries to satisfy their every need. They don’t want a guy that worries whether they’re mad or not. But at the same time they are not consciously aware of this, let alone articulate it. They just get frustrated and lose attraction for you.

Women are very emotional creatures themselves, they want a guy that is a rock in restless waters. They want a confident guy, that knows who he is and what he stands for.

And that’s a healthy stereotype to strive for. You do it by taking experiences like this, and learning all there is to learn from it. You take the time to think about yourself. What is your identity? What are YOUR needs and how did you sacrifice them in the relationship? That is how you grow and move on. And that’s where your focus should be if your girlfriend left you for another guy.

About Jesse

I’ve been helping guys recover from their breakups since 2012. Work with me to fast-track your recovery.


  1. Hey, so I am 18. I had a crush who apparently liked my best friend. She told him and he lied to spare her feelings. He said he liked her too. He didn’t. Well later he confessed and she was devesated. I hated to see her crushed like that and I wanted to be with her. Everyone knew I had a crush on her and we were friends. So, we started hanging out and became my first kiss. We also made out and stuff. We talked about everything. She said she loved me and wrote me a super sweet letter. However, I was her secret and she didn’t want to fully commit cause she still wanted my friend or so she said. After a month or so, three days after she wrote me that super sweet letter saying she loved me and wanted to wait a year so she could adjust to college, she gets a boyfriend! A kid she hadn’t seen since eight grade. I’ve been crushed. It has been a year but I’m still crushed. They broke up but still. Also, we used to still be friends but she hasn’t responded to my text for the last two months. I feel hurt cause she saw me “ vulnerable” and him..did she compare? Did she have sex or give him oral sex ( we agreed we wouldn’t go that far). Am I crazy?

  2. Hi. I’m 45….divorced 4 years and was dating a super fun – slightly crazy – woman (same age) for about 3 years since. We had a couple short breaks in that time but the biggest and worst was last March after getting back from Jamaica. She was really abrupt and mean about it and I took it real hard. We had broken up in January for a month too and I basically fell apart then too and made every promise in the book and completely threw myself under the train to get her back…which I did (only to get ditched again in March). I get totally lost and obsessed with her when we break up… what she’s doing….who she might be seeing…is she home. I also get very self destructive. Started smoking a ton after last March (was already before that cuz I was always stressed out about her) and I cannot for my life do anything positive or healthy.

    Anyway….after March I did the usual crash and humiliated myself over and over trying to get her back…texting….calling….she would call me and just insult me more, tell me I was crazy….and I clearly was acting as such….I threw myself under the train again….but guess what – in August she starts coming around. We get back together. Go to some concerts have fun….it’s not perfect but she’s clear she still loves me and I def felt the same way….then starts backing away again after we get into a few arguments….and finally breaks it off AGAIN. And this time she completely ignores me and any contact attempt I make. I get I’m not supposed to do that but I can’t shake feeling the reason she gave me for the breakup THIS time (too much fighting) was bullshit and that she’s really with someone else. So I’m just killing myself over it. Finally – an immediate family member of mine sells their house and buys one RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from my ex’s. Yea. Perfect.

    So….a bit rambling here and clearly I have my work cut out for myself but my question is this: what has happened to me as a person that I’ve let myself become this person I never used to be. I have no confidence being alone….am obsessed with what was arguably a destructive relationship…let myself get walked over until I get so frustrated it turns into a fight…,then I fight and beg to get back into it – humiliate myself even more. I’m in a downward spiral and even though I’m aware of that I was and am still totally dependent on the idea of being able to fix this and get her back. I can’t stand the thought of her with someone else. Finally, I have no idea how I would put this person behind me now that every time I go to see my family member I have to drive right past my ex’s house… and it’s going to be that way for the rest of my life.

    This is not well-written or even half the story…but hopefully gives a general view. Any advice appreciated thanks

  3. Hello fellas,
    My situation started about a year ago. I met this girl at work. For a month her and I hung out, laughed a lot and got to know each other fairly well. I was separated and she was married but was thinking about leaving him. One day she texted me to tell me she had a crush on me and wanted to see me. I too had a crush but never expressed myself because she was married. Long story short, I ended up meeting her one night at a resort and we had sex. Great sex. About 2 weeks later, she left her husband and moved into an apartment. From that day on, we were inseparable. We fell madly in love with each other. We talked about moving in together, getting married, and were trying to have a baby. Our kids also became very close and her parents loved me. I thought she was the one and she never gave me a reason to not trust her. However, there was a guy she worked with who I felt had a crush on her. I talked to her about it and she told me they were just “friends.” About 5 months into our relationship, she would talk about him and how funny he was and how they would go for coffee at times and would text and talk. I told her I didn’t like that she was so close to him but again, she assured me they were just “friends.” Then it happened. One morning she called me to tell me we need to talk. She came over to my place and told me she was confused about her feelings between the “Friend,” and me. She also told me she wasn’t sure if she loved me anymore. So we broke up. The next day she begged me back and I accepted. She said she made a mistake and didn’t have feelings for him. 2 weeks later, she did the same thing and left me for him. I was so devastated. I felt as if someone close to me had passed away. I was madly 9n love with her. I would cry at work, at home and in the shower. What’s heart breaking even more was while I was crying and missing her, she was sleeping with him and having a good time. 3 weeks after leaving me for him she came around wanting to see me. One Sunday we met at a park and she admitted she slept with him the day she dumped me and that they were a couple. She told me how much she in love with him and how good of a person he is. Being hurt and wanting revenge, (I forgot to mention he was a friend of mine that I worked with for 4 years), I kissed her in her car and we fooled around. A week later she came over and we had great sex again. She told me how he can’t satisfy her like me and how she was thinking about leaving him. The next day, she broke up with him and we hung out all week. Again, she told me she was madly in love with me, wanted me to trust her, get married, have a child etc. We even took our kids to the movies and discussed going to church and read relationship books to build the trust back and move forward together. Like an idiot, I believed her but didn’t trust her because that guy worked with her. But I tried my best to trust her. Well 9 days after dumping him and begging me bag, she did it again for the 3rd time. She told me she still had feelings for him and wasn’t sure she loved me. I was hurt and angry on how could she be so cold. Not only did she hurt me when she first broke up with me, she also hurt my kids because they loved her. Her kids started calling me daddy and when we got together the 3rd time, they were so happy and started calling me daddy again. Right now, I miss her greatly but I know she isn’t a good woman. She’s a confused woman who likes to hurt me, my kids and also hers. I wish things were different but they never will be. The girl I fell madly in love with no longer exist. I am not mad at her but so very disappointed. What sucks is me having to run into her at work. Oh, and she got back with that guy who was aware that we spent a week together. The pain goes away little by little fellas. 6 weeks ago, I thought I would never get over it. Now, even though I miss her and it does hurt a little thinking about them two together, it’s not the deep in the gut pain. I’ve met two other girls who are great but not for me. Smile fellas. Women like my ex, are depressed, insecure and aren’t worth a tear. Good luck men.

    • Thanks for sharing my man. It sounds like you’ve learned your lesson and I’m glad to hear you’re going to stay away from this one. Your story is a painful reminder that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

    • This is exactly my story. 4 years of relationship went to drain in less than 5 days. She left me for a guy she met onlinr in 5 days after breaking up with me. We took our last trip to beach with her kids. When i went to pick up my stuff, all were crying and she told me she needs me but can’t have me. Then very next day this new guy met her kids and her family at lake where we use to go. This guy comes home to meet all family member in less than 5 days. I confronted her actions next day but i was labelled as terror for her family. She told me that she feel connected with him, he is a nice guy and all that. So i pushed myself away from everything. She told me that this guy told her that he loves her, and want kids with her and ready to provide her with everything. He can take care of her. Funny thing was i helped her in taking care of kids and raised her business where she was making good money for herself. This new guy is making half of what she makes. Recently she started going to sex talk when he was traveling after i told her that i m seeing people. She asked me to meet people or have sex with them cuz she doesn’t want it. I said i needs to which she said she can help me with sex and can have sex with me. Lol she used me , y not i use her too. She also told me that she thinks she had moved on with this guy so fast after i confronted her about fast actions. This is bullshit i have been in. So i told her i m not holding myself, as I was committed to her for 4 years. now i m free to see other people. she got herself into this new committed relationship where this new guy is pushing his love on her. I don’t know if this is her love for him or not. But i Believe love is unconditional. Now i learned my lesson and will put my brain to use instead of my heart to be used by some woman.

  4. Morning guys,

    Reading some of this and it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I never really was the type to add to Internet forums because I just thought that it didn’t take the pain away but things change as you mature and it often does give hope that things improve. My story looks like this:

    6 years ago I met this girl and we went on a couple of dates. I met her mother, I was welcomed immediately but at the time I was still quite young and was not sure what I wanted and nor was she. It fizzled out and basically we went our separate ways.

    She then met another guy and they were together for four years. During those 4 years she had actually fallen pregnant for this guy but the baby had been lost. The guy she was with was a real piece of work as time went on, drug addict and mentally and emotionally abusive so I am led to believe.

    Last year we reconnected and she told me all about what had gone on and told me that losing the child was a blessing in disguise because it showed her this guys true colours and she left him. When we reconnected I was almost a counsellor, a friend and somebody to vent to as she was going through her rough time.

    She came to see me one night and we hit it off immediately. We went on a few dates after and for me, somebody who has never been the one to fall hard, I fell in love with her big time. We used to sit in silence just looking at each other, talk on the phone constantly, we used to FaceTime each other watching the same movie when we couldn’t be together. This was the real deal.

    Throughout our relationship and even before I asked her to be my girlfriend I said to her ‘are you sure this is right for you because I know what you have been through’? Her responses got stronger and stronger as our time together grew and she told me she had never loved anybody like she loved me and never felt this connection with anybody.

    We spent the most beautiful, loving, caring and incredible 6 months together and I know that in the grand scheme of life, 6 months is not a very long time but for me there was more to it. My mother, who is arguably the most difficult person on this earth to please, accepted and loved her immediately, the first girl ever!

    I told her everything, all of my secrets and she truly was the only person I opened up to ever. She told me the same, she told me secrets she had never told anybody else other than her mother, not even her ex boyfriend!

    Last week, she became distant, we started arguing more. We had a pregnancy scare and it put a strain on our relationship because me being me, I thought there was more to this than ‘an accident’. On a subconscious level I thought that perhaps due to the loss she suffered for her ex, this was some form of trap. I don’t know if that makes me a bad personality but I just know that I didnhave that thought and I think most guys would. Am I right?

    Anyway, this put a strain on the relationship and we argued. I came around and told her if she is pregnant then we can get through anything and it is not the end of the world. It turns out she wasn’t. This however, changed our relationship completely. She blew hot and cold after this and it got tougher.

    Last week, we went out for some drinks. This day was the most in love with me she had ever been. Staring at me, staring into my eyes telling me how in love she is and how obsessed she is. I thought to myself, my god I am going to be with you forever because I feel the same.

    We went home that night and argued because she brought up the loss of her child and I made a point of stressing how shit her life would have been if she had of given birth to this child for this scumbag she used to go out with. She argued back and said it didn’t matter. This was spelling the end.

    During that week we argued and didn’t speak for days. I contacted her because I loved her too much to let her go and was willing to work through anything. That night we spoke on the phone for three hours. She said the emptiness she feels due to losing that child is something she cannot stop feeling the pain for. I told her if that is what she wants we can start trying in 6 months because I really didn’t mind the thought of it as I knew I wanted to be with her forever and was always planning on starting a family anyway! This wasn’t enough.

    The second point was that she thought we were getting too settled. I work approximately 60 hours a week with one day off and that day was always spent with her. We had literally just gotten back from a trip abroad too so I kind of knew this was bullshit too. However, me being me I also addressed this and said no problem thanks for bringing it up I’m going to make sure we go on more dates now and more nights out. This also wasn’t enough.

    The following night I went to see her and have ‘the talk’. For hours we went back and forth about the problems and how we could solve them until me being the intelligent person I am said ‘hold on, there’s no way this is it, there is more to this because I have given you every possible solution’. Bingo!

    After pressing and pressing the words finally came out. ‘I’m torn, my head wants you and everything you are and everything you give me and everything that we have, but in my heart, I still have feelings for my ex’. This. Broke. Me.

    Here I sat with the girl of my dreams, a girl that I planned my future and my life with, had given everything to, gave her everything emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Here I sat with my ‘true love’ telling me that she still has feelings for another man.

    To put this into context and highlight why this cut me so deep let me give you all a quick backstory; I’m 26, great job, financially stable, come from a very decent family, hardworking, I’m 6’4 in height and I wouldn’t go as far to say that I’m bad looking.(Trust me guys I know that comes across as slightly cocky but it will make sense in the next piece)

    The guy she still has feelings for is 5’6, going bald, was addicted to drugs, comes from a family where his father had an affair, is almost 30 and once made her sit in the back of his car as he went to collect another girl that he ‘worked with’. I am surely not the only one that is reading this piece and at this stage has thought ok this guy does come across as kind of cocky but WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K is that girl playing at.

    I cannot lie, my heart is broken. I lay there staring into space for hours on end wondering where it all went wrong. Trust me, I am not the type who acts cocky around women but I am quite confident as I work in direct sales I am also quite outgoing.

    Anyway, yesterday I receive the text saying how sorry she is and how I deserve better and how she wishes it was different and she does love me etc etc etc. I can’t buy it. I want to help her through anything and I want to be with her for the rest of my life but having read this blog and also the comments I am starting to realise the sad truth, she cannot be helped.

    I gave her a life she dreamed about and I showed her what true love and affection feels like, yet she still wants the scum that has put her through hell. I suppose the message of my comment is; it doesn’t matter what you have, what you look like, who you are, how much you love somebody, how much affection or attention you give them, how you make them feel like they are the only girl in the world, you still cannot change the past.

    I cannot compete with the connection she felt for another man who’s child she carried, I can never compete with that because she has never carried mine. I cannot compete with 4 years of a relationship with whatever type of guy he was, because I only had her for 6 months. And lastly, my reasoning and my commitment and love and promise of a future and undying affection for the girl, can never compete with her own mind.

    It is with the heaviest heart and most broken life right now that I sign off on this post. We are all going to get through our break ups I have no doubt about that. If anybody out there ever feels like they can’t get out, we can. We are not alone. I know we feel alone in our own minds and the breakup is one of the hardest things we will ever do, but remember, we are never alone.

    Even writing it I find it hard to believe myself because this is so fresh to me, but sometimes, we can be the perfect guy at the wrong time. This is something I just accept. I know that the next while is going to be the toughest. I know when I return to work tomorrow and I get asked about her that I am going to want to break down and cry, but there is no other way. My mother always says ‘grief is like a doorway, you can’t go over it, you can’t go around it, you have to go through it’. This is coming from a woman who lost her husband and the father of her children 13 years ago. If my mother can get through that loss, I am sure I can come through this.

    Thank you to all of you who have read this. Even if my story has helped one of you in some way then it has not all been for nothing. We must stick together, we are all good men. Bad men don’t post on forums like this, only the ones that feel true loss do.

    Keep the head up fellas.


    • NEW beginNings says:

      Yo guys I’m 21 and first love did this to me after 3 years and buying a home. Devastating is an understatement as this is below cruel. However, take ownership of your part of the relationship and analyze the emotional aspects leading up to the incident. People who do this are typically broken from past events and their depression leads them to do irrational selfish behaviors such as this. It is hard but best to go NC, clean up your diet, and never talk to them again. This behavior will repeat itself. This was a good article and I can say after 6 months I’ve been feeling a weight off my heart for moments throughout the day and I’m beginning to focus again. I have a strange anxiety now around women as I’m closed off but this too will heal with time. Good luck to all of you guys and don’t try and be Superman like me and date a broken girl to fix all her problems for your own ego. Find someone put together. That’s who I am looking for now.

      • Some great advice here and a healthy outlook, thanks for sharing.

        I would add that you can approach your anxiety with some curiosity to see where it’s coming from, what’s the root. Once we find the root, it’s often clear what we need to do to heal.

    • Hello guys. I recently faced this mad shit where the girl i was with for 7 years went batshit crazy all of a sudden saying she doesn’t want to be with me and is seeing someone else and doesn’t want me to contact her. I am from India and was in US for my undergrad where i met her. She liked me as soon as she saw me. I showed interest to not be rude and frankly i wanted to see what she was made of. Slowly after some time of meeting in the same circles we went for a casual date and she seemed to be a nice person. She was overly interested in me and and was greatly happy whenever i was around. And things took off and we were dating before i knew it. I was getting aware if my situation to having to return to India where my family owns multiple businesses. I had expressed the same concerns to get and she was casual about it and wanted to be more and more together and i fell for her in the same way and hoped she would go with me if she loved me and naturally i planned things to accommodation her move. Thereafter surprisingly she told her parents about me, she was always a step ahead in pulling the relationship ahead, and i went with it and thought she must really love me very much and i was more than willing to stand by her. her parents surprisingly were extensively overbearing and controlling being orthodox adventists. after finding out about us they flipped and changed her school, as they paid her fee and she was somehow following their madness. she tried to stay in touch, i stayed away knowing they will wear her down and give her grief about it. But she was always keen to be in touch and eventually she went out to another school away from her parents. And she was much happier then and kept in touch all the time thereafter. All this time i stayed loyal to her. I dedicated so much of my energy to keep her happy that i became her bot especially after what her parents had put her through. There was a stage where i went numb seeing that she would never be able to overcome her parents wishes and stayed away, but she kept calling and reassuring for the best and that she loved me and needed. I couldnt resist her wish and went right back into shitstorm for her. after a point i had to come back to India at the point my undergrad years finished and i had to sink into responsibilities of my family biz as i came out to gain more exposure and learn to be on a global platform. She suddenly became very angry about that. i actually sked her to be with someone else as she couldn’t think about moving and going against ger parents and i left. She still kept calling and tried to get me back. I was still young at 22 and fell for her wish to be with me as i too loved her and couldn’t see her asking again and again. We were communicating long dustance and staying in touch every chance we got. I ysed to stay up all might to jeep her company due to different time zones. She was still studying then as she was younger to me. I went back to see her after 1.5 yes and to clear any doubt in her head asked her to marry me and she said yes and said she would move. Then she finished her undergrad and moved back home with her parents while figuring out next. We stayed in touch and once their oarents found out she was still speaking to me and went nuts and she spiralled into all the nonsense they said about India and assumptions about me and how i would treat her. She would google up all the scary shit about India and ask me about them. Some of them even i wouldnt know. There’s scary things everywhere in this world even in the best of places. I was getting weary of her questions about her being happy if she moved. At this point i was imagining her as my wife andhad planned to have a kid or two even. So i was beyond saving and overly dedicated to her well being. she actually broke up with me, cheated on me and got back together with me. and i still loved her, fuck!.i started facing some problems with my business and became overly stressed and indulged for sometime as it needed tending. Since i was planning a future with her soon i was more so involved into resolving work issues to focus on the latter asap. She mistook it for me not prioritizing her and kept on singing about the same time stress me out even more. I came up with a brilliant solution of trying to understand her even more so she would know how much i love her. Again fuck. She was jobless for a point after she quit her first professional job when she thought her new boss was being pushy and partial to her recruits. Chicken shit! I paid her apartment rent and utilities for 3/4 a year. She found a new job made new acquaintances, and decided she should date someone else as its easier than moving to India. The end. At first i knew this was inevitable in some corner of my heart but i was so deeply addicted to her i pushed it aside in way of trying be positive, so i knew and i said to myself that jenner this but my emotions said i really loved this chick who btw was totally confused, weak and fed on my need to be her saviour and caregiver. at the end i was a worthless piece of junk she used and scrapped until she decided to find the next easy guy to Give her need for attention. So save yourself the trouble and be happy. Dont reserve your love for one person only. Be with someone who wants to spread their love for the good of people. You are a great person if you have lived someone. Loving isn’t wrong. If a person doesnt want your love anymore doesn’t say that there’s something wrong with you, but there’s definitely something wrong with the other person. So for your own health and for your continued ability to love someone and be healthy let them go and best pray for their well being. God bless.

  5. WIDE LOVE says:

    She called me and told me she was pregnant for some other guy… it was painful, I could help it but shed tear, thus how I lost her after dating for 3years. Please help me can I still be friend to her?

    • Generally it’s rare for guys to be friends with their exes, but when I’ve seen it happen, both are very emotionally mature and have gotten over any feelings of romantic (or physical) attraction they have for one another.

      More often then not the desire to be friends is a form of neediness, where we are afraid of letting go forever.

  6. Do you think I could still be friends with my girlfriend who left me for another guy. I had been in a relationship with her for almost 8 months and recently we broke up with each other and she went with another guy. I’m not going to lie but our relationship wasn’t the best because we had so many outside factors that made it stressful for us. I would make her feel ignored sometimes and she would go to that other guy for emotional support and that where it all began. She told me that she felt that I had lost feelings for her but I had never. I have always loved her and still do but I guess I didn’t express it enough for her. She had been cheated on once so I understand why she feels like that but I am a very nice guy and you could ask anyone that I’m not that type of guy. But she still felt insecure about that. I also made some false promises to her because of my parents saying I would hang out certain days and not be able to. I always did try to see her as much as possible. Do you think it was my fault and I hadn’t tried enough or do you think it was just a bad time for us to go out? I was almost done with school and was gonna move out and everything. My household is very toxic towards me dating other races. I was going to do anything to be with her. I just keep thinking what if we met at a different time. I just feel really sad because I feel like it was my fault that she went to the other guy, I should’ve been more attentive to her when she told me but I was being an ignorant fool. How can I get past this?

  7. Thank you for creating this blog, I recently stumbled upon it after the girl I was dating and fell in love with left me for someone else. This incident has led me to depression but i’m starting to practice what is on this blog and little by little my mood is starting to improve and i’m regaining hope. Anyways, it was traumatic because I did not see it coming at all.

    Long story short, we met through mutual friends and went out on 8 amazing dates (that’s my opinion based upon my extensive dating experience). Over the course of this time I really started developing feeling for her, and I’ve never met anyone in my entire dating experience that i’ve matched with spiritually, emotionally and physically. Hence, I felt she was “the one”. Literally our last date (date #8) was probably one of the best dates I’ve ever had, we made out heavily to end the fun night. We also made out on date # 7. Sidenote: we both come from conservative religious backgrounds so making out is as far as it goes before marriage.

    Hence, naturally, one would think everything is going well. She’s passionately making out with me, french kissing me and she wasn’t drunk either. Even after the date she initiated texts with me and agreed to go out on another date. This was all before thanksgiving last year. Unfortunately, little did I know that Date # 8 was the last date I would have with her. All of sudden after thanksgiving, she goes 180 degrees on me and goes so cold on me that it was her birthday thanksgiving weekend which I texted her happy birthday! and she never replied back to me. It was so fucking odd because I did not do or say anything to make her go so cold on me. A couple days later I texted her again asking her if she watched the final episode of a show we both watch and her answer was pretty much a lame “i’m not interested in you” anymore kind of response.

    I was caught like a deer in headlights and then the next day I see on Facebook she adds these two 6 foot single guys that she probably met on a dating app that we were both on. She tossed me in the dumps just like that and disrespected me. She’s a doctor as well, so one would think she would have a little compassion and at least tell me she no longer wants to date but she just ghosts on me. I was really hoping she was the one and my dating journey would come to an end. She should quit her job and become an actor because she strung me along and I fell for it. This experience has ripped me to shreds the past 9 weeks and I can’t believe that she finds other guys to date so quickly and i’m over here struggling. I’ve had a string of bad dating luck since then that I have been rejected a lot recently by other girls while for her it looks like she is going strong with these guys because her logins on the dating app seem to be declining. I know, I know, I need to stop stalking and accept it’s over… I held onto a glimmer of hope that she might come back. It sucks so bad, the emotional pain is dreadful and dating can be unfair at times. She treats me like shit and gets success while i’m experiencing rejection after rejection. I treated her with nothing but respect. Also, I still don’t understand why I still like her so much after what she did to me. I try to maintain faith in God that whatever happens it for my best and God has a good plan for me. I feel faith is essential. Anyways let’s end on a positive note, your blog is excellent and I’m thankful for the internet because I can readily access helpful guides like this in times of need. Many thanks once again!

    • Dude I feel you. My girlfriend of three months started doing the same thing, making lame replies and avoiding me. I really did love her, and thought she was the one. We had great dates as well. She broke up with me by sending me a picture of her hanging with some guy who looked very attractive. I asked her who it was, and she told me she was “talking” to him. It hurt me she never told me we were even broken up. I told her that she was hurting me, so she just sent me more pictures of the dude. It killed me, since I couldn’t imagine her with some other guy, and I was hoping I could some how fix our relationship. It’s nice to know there are others out there going through the same pain as me. It’s happened to me before. You’ll get over it, and it’ll all be rewarded when you find the actual one.

      • An update… This girl ended up reaching back out to me February of this year and wanted to try things out again. Me, being the desperate soul I am, decided to give this another go.

        We went on 4 great dates and then she recently ghosted on me again. This time for a good looking doctor.. I’m in pain once again, and can’t believe she would do this again. I even told her to communicate more with me and tell me if she would not like to go forward. She agreed but then goes back to her regular ways.. She doesn’t listen or care. I’m heartbroken again and she’s off with the guy she probably dreamed of.. I’m trying sincerely to go no contact, but it’s hard not to look at her Facebook, dating apps etc. Gosh, I even see her logging on less on her dating apps which sucks. But I know I must find a way to move on.. I’m trying to keep my head up and stay positive.

        • Feeling some pain is inevitable in these situations, but it is your choice whether you wallow in misery or not.

          Block her on social media, make it impossible to see any of her updates. Maybe you can even take a social media hiatus — it’s not helping you!

  8. This article is 100% dead on. You have to crawl yourself out of a very deep deep dark place when a woman you feel so much love for cheats on you and leaves you immediately for another man with no warning. Been there, done that and got over it but it was not easy. Definitely go no contact and I mean no contact again forever no matter how hard that is to do. If you run into her somewhere accidentally, and she initiates conversation just keep the conversation as brief as possible and get the heck away from her like she is a plague. She did not respect you at all to do that to you in a relationship, you dont owe her shit anymore, not even polite conversation…. Stay away from her. Excercise, excercise, excercise, make new friends, meet new people, and stay away from old friends that will talk about her. Go out with other women you may not necessarily care about, and screw them over..j/kidding sort of…:) …Actually, its hard to go back into a relationship for a long time after getting your heart ripped out by a woman, so if you do meet other women, and date them, you are most likely going to screw a bunch of them over unintentionally just because you are still in a deep dark place over the one that got away. However, if you stay the course, eventually you will meet another woman that you can love, and you will be a much stronger person and less likely to be fooled again and be more in control of your emotions in a relationship. You wont be the blind fool you were in the past…I been happily married to a strong and beautiful woman now for 15 years and if I had not went through getting my heart ripped out that way a long time ago having reality slap me in the face that way, I probably wouldnt be the man I am now and may not have been a person my wife could love. I was a totally different person in the past than I am today…

  9. Im currently a week into this exact situation and I have a 6 month old little boy with her and purchased our first house and havnt even moved into it yet and I guess I don’t know how to deal with this yet. This is my first time ever looking for help online I just don’t feel strong enough to open up to anyone.

    • Hey Robert,

      Those are some very difficult circumstances to deal with. I always say that if children are involved becoming the best father you can becomes your responsibility. What that means concretely in your case is hard to say but usually that’s a useful guiding philosophy.

      You can join our support group on facebook as a starter, but feel free to reach out via email jesse [at] if you’d like to talk. You don’t need strength to open up, all you need is courage and the best damn reason you can come up with: your little boy.


  10. Fellas , I truly feel for you , the pain is awful , and you will never forget. NEVER. Been there , done that. She left me for some loser and now , years later , she’s been married 3 times , divorced twice and was working on the 3rd but he died before it was finalized. She now weighs 300 pounds , is neck deep in debt , and her best friend has 4 legs and a tail. She is just one of those who is incapable of a sustained relationship. I was her first husband and longest relationship. We had 2 children , which I got custody of. Our divorce took nearly a year and by the time it arrived I was at that place where I just didn’t care anymore. The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference. I still cared , even to this day. But you can’t live a lie. Let it go. A year later I met a beautiful young lady who was my ex’s polar opposite. We’ve been together for 35 years. She’s out there fellas. Don’t settle till you find her.

  11. Hehe only reason why am so annoyed with myself is i should have known this would happen but i ignored it cause of love. It happend 3 years ago and now it happened again. This is 9 years that i know her but i was blinded that she was never gonna be with me in the end. Now she claims it’s faith issue me being a Muslim and she a Christian not accepting the truth that she cheated and fell for the guy thereby creating massive issues between us i had to travel 14hours to the state she is .. She even did claim distance oh God…feeling of rejection, betrayal and all am mad at myself …i knew this girl since 2009 and we were in the same department in the University days…well she has good part but she bite me she stung me with a poison thats has long term cure.. Betrayal to the core..and dying thinking about her while she is in another man’s arm wow…love is wicked! I gave it to the wrong woman for 9years…

  12. Thank you very much, i just went through the exact same thing 2 days ago and i was destroyed she left me after 18 months for another guy. Thank you for this article, it really helped me a lot!

  13. thanks Jesse your words just open my eyes to reality

  14. gregory robinson says:

    hi my name is greg 6 month ago we broke up because of issue with my parent look they won and i won’t ever forgive them well i living on my own for awhile and my car broke down and i told my ex look i made need a ride for time being since you are not working yet she said i don’t know because i got alot stuff goin on so i can’t and i told her if you agree for me to stay at my folk to get back on my feet it the biggest mistake and i wont’ be able to be with you i begging you she said don’t pay them no mind focus getting yourself back on your feet so i give the bad new that we can’t be together of course she was heart broken but i try my best to fix our relationship but she needed spaces so i give her space for 2 or 3 month all sudden after her trip with her girlsfriends she change like she become a new person i havn’t be able to see her after the trip so one day she admit that she went back on dating site claiming to meet people as friend for connection with her career with i don’ t believe that somehow she met someone that share same interest as her now they been talking reminder me and my ex were friend with benefit that we agree now it turn to be a friend zone because she said to me that she no longer in love with me anymore and she don’t want to have physical attraction because i like this guy and when she said it my heart was broken and it still broken till this day i don’t know what to do we argue for 2 hours on the phone and nothing become positive so i realize i wasted my 2 year of relationship that i thought she was the one for me i give my all to this girl i mean everything … now she have him at her place and i am not surprise they have sex i should of listen to others saying about the situation i realize she never love me for begining i know i got nothing to bring to the table just a man working at the retail store for 14 year with nothing goin in my life i don’t know what to do next…..

  15. We met January 2018 in the same company. We started talking and in March I have told her I like her and gave her a rose. She said that she had 5 years long relationship and she doesnt want anything at the moment. But it was strange because on the parking lot she came with another guy. I thought ok se doesnt like me and left her alone. After a week she texted me that she would like to talk. I came and again I strated to convoncing her to try with me. SO after 2 weeks we went on a trip. We started holding hands kissed for the first time. I was in heaven. But after 2 months she told me that she had sex with another just day after our first kiss and that this is her love from high school. I was in schock becase literally for the last 2 months every day we were together. I ignored this but she said he is texting her and she decided to break up with him. SHe wrotte him a text and forwarde it to me saying she is done with him. Their realationship was like friends with benefits and they have been meeting like every 3 weeks. SO he replied that he will respect her wish but would like to see her in person. And she trully met him in person and they kissed. Next day she todl me this and said it would be honourable that she would go from me becasue she cheated. I was so in love and said no. Then she even said that she feels safe with me and when she was kissing him she was thinking that she has this with me. So again I was sort of happy and for the next 10 days it was fine. then again she wrotte him text that she cannot be with him but he never mentioned to ged and him that she has another. So she was just waiting for his words and finally he said it. He said I love you. And from that moment in 10 days she broke with me. She said she would forever regret in she would not try with him in this life becasue he was always a womanizer but now he changed and they both wil try. I feel extremly betrayed used and lied to. She had me jsut to strengten her position with him. Picking one and then another was so humiliationg. I would never get in love with her if knew from the first place that there is another in the game.

    • And to add something. When she told me that after our first kiss the next day she had sex with him I should understand that 2 months when she was with me he was texting her but she always said she is busy. She did not say to him I have another one. Just busy busy busy. And she told me after 2 months becasue she saw how in love I was. And she felt I am not playing I truley am in this relationship. When she text him it is over I thought finally that is it. But that was her plan. She was just waitng what he will writte. She was not honest to him as well never told him about me. And when they met and kissed it was like someone would kill my soul. I knew she was afraid of new relationship but how this bitch used me was crazy evil. She 2 times text him that she will split but she has not. Never told him she had me. And at the end from everything I have done for her always wanted to become the best version of herself she used me cheated on me and left. And now only for them to enjoy happy life. Why did not she confront him in October 2017 4 months before we meet and she ended her relationship or in the last 8 years like they now each other. Iam devastated angry crying ,what why how this bitch who was like an angle did this just becasue what she is afraid of relationship. How she can calculate so harsh and not telling the truth!!

    • I would like to add that I was just back up plan. When she came out of the office with another guy next day I stopped talking with her .She texted me on week afterwards and said she is not romantically involved with this guy. I believed her because it was true. And then I started to trust her. In my mind I was thinking it was like she split with his boy 4 months ago they were together 5 years. She is seeing another guys and I was ok becasue she is in the market and lets compit for her. But she told me she is enjoying being alone which was not true becasu I know now she has been dating her imaginary love from high school like friends with benefits all this 4 months before I met her. So today I have realised how evil she was. She saw my reaction that I went from her when I only thought she is with another. But when she said I was interpreting it like that and that she is alone and she is enjoying her freedom I thought ok, let go slow. She does not want like from the start relasionship but lets go slow. But how on earth could I know that she has secret lover. And how painfuly it is when she saw how I felt when I saw her with another. But she did not care for that. She was watching me in my eyes and lie that she is free she lied that she doe snot want no one. She lied lied liedlied lied. And I believed her she exploited that to the extent of perfection. All the time I mention relationship she started to get in fear mode. And again I thought because of her bad experience. MY god she manipulated me I swear I did not know. How she did it. Only becaseu I was afraid of being alone and without a girl. She used that deeply. She was not honest from day 1 and she knew how strongly I am against being a back up. Still she did it. She kissed me next day she already was in bad from her imaginary love from high scool. Then 2 months only with me. She texted him that she would break up with him. When he replied lets meet she met him they have kissed. I convinced her to stay with me. Again she texted him. But after 10 days she stareted to hate me and ended with me.

  16. Hi,
    Let me start by just setting the stage a little about my situation. So I am a junior in high school and was dating a girl who is a senior this year, we had been dating for about 3 months and for the most part things were good. I’m aware that most high school relationships do not go the way they are planned, but I’m trying to figure out what happened that caused the break up and also trying to find a positive resolution. Me and the girl I was dating are involved in a lot of the same things at school so that is how our relationship began. I never thought that I had a chance with her because I’m not the same type of guy as her ex’s, I’m what you would call a “nice guy” and the people she dated before me aren’t. But to my suprise we started talking before prom and she ended up basically asking me to go to prom with her (we went with a group of friends and her and I were really the only “couple” in the group.) After prom we hung out a lot, mainly along with that same group from prom but sometimes just us two also. Then school ended and her and my schedules started not lining up much at all, we still tried to hang out together as much as we could, but there were full weeks at a time where we could not see each other due to vacations and stuff like that. It was hard on us both I think to not be able to see each other, but we still talked everyday with texts and Snapchat and stuff like that, we would have good conversation over text and she and I would flirt with each other and stuff like that. During our time apart though, I would tend to shower her with compliments and cute comments and other things too much, which led to our first conflict. She was on vacation and one night she got extremely mad at me for basically smothering her. I realized I was doing this, apologized, changed my ways, and after that everything went back to normal. She came back from that vacation and we hung out and everything was good. But then I left for a week on vacation, and the following week she had to leave for a dance competition. So there were two weeks straight were we didn’t see each other in person at all. I feared that the time apart would put some distance between us if you know what I mean, and I think it did. I also feared that she was spending so much time with other people and not with me and that her feelings would be altered by these other people. But again she came back from her competition and everything seemed to be ok. We hung out once after the 2 weeks apart, we watched a movie just her and I. It was good, we laughed and had good conversation. But after that night, I don’t know what happened, but she stopped replying to my messages and barely said anything to me for about a week. This brings me to the break up. She broke up with me out of nowhere, at least it feels out of nowhere for me, her reasons were that she said “I can’t have a boyfriend right now,” and “I just can’t do this”, and stuff like that. The thing that stung the most was that she said my feelings were stronger than her’s were. While all of this was happening, she kept saying “I’m really sorry” and was very apologetic. I asked her what changed her mind since we last saw each other cause it was literally a few days ago at that point, like was it something I did, did someone else come along, was it that she graduates next year and didn’t want things to get too serious, I just wanted to know what happened. She replied that nothing changed and that she just couldn’t be in the relationship anymore. She said that she still wants to be friends and talk at school and stuff like that, but we have stopped talking to each other completely since the break up mainly because she stopped replying to my messages. I decided to give her the space she was asking for and I haven’t talked to her since. I feel like the deer in headlights, I don’t know where to go from here. I tried so hard to make sure I didn’t do anything to mess up our relationship. I would AT LEAST like to go back to being friends, because I will see her everyday at school next year and I obviously still like being around her, but I can’t help but miss and want what we had before. I am definetly experiencing the withdrawl symptoms you mentioned. I wasn’t smothering her anymore, and I didn’t do anything that would justify her wanting to break up. So at this point my mind is left to try to figure out what happened and it is eating away at me. I have reached out to a good friend of mine who went through a similar situation with his girlfriend and they ended up getting back together, he has been helping me a lot over the past few days. But I have to admit that while I haven’t been stalking her or anything, I have noticed that she has been staying up really late (due to her liking stuff on Instagram and other stuff like that) she didn’t do that a whole bunch when we were together so I am fearing the worst, that she dumped me for someone else who is maybe more like her other ex’s. I don’t think she is that kind of girl, but I’m just fearing the worst like I said. If she lied to me about not being able to have a boyfriend right now that is going to be crushing, because there were so many things that I saw us doing together and now all of those things are gone and will probably never happen. If I find out she dumped me for someone else, all of those feelings will become worse. But at this point I am just playing the waiting game until I can find out what happened, because she won’t tell me, and that makes me feel like she is hiding something. I have made the conscious decision to focus on bettering myself so that maybe she will notice the mistake she made if she instantly chose someone else over me after 3 months of getting to know me. But maybe she is just too busy to be in a relationship right now, I don’t know where she is at right now. I appreciate any feedback you can give me and hope that it will help me going forward.

    • Hey pal, just read your comment here and I can see this has been last year but wanted you to know that you are not alone.

      What I find is sometimes girl’s are just not nice people. They choose the madness and the fixer upper guys instead of the ones that want what is truly best for them.

      One thing you need to remember is that ‘you are not in the wrong here’. You couldn’t have done anything differently so don’t beat yourself up. You were only being you and if you isn’t good enough then fuck her, you are one of the good guys and women always want to end up with the good guys. Trust me, a lightbulb will go off in her head and she will realise her mistake. At this point, you’ll have moved on and it will be just a memory.

      Chin up pal, there’s a whole lot of life to go!

  17. 4 years ago my ex left me simply because I was unable to get him a child and another woman outside cast a love spell on him that make him abandon me , — after crying all the time I came across ; greatmutaba @ gmail. c om , the man that cast a spell that bring him back to me after many years

  18. Hello,
    My girlfriend and I had been dating for a little less than a year. Most of our relationship had been long-distance because I’m in the military. We had known eachother for a long time because she is my best friend’s wife’s little sister. We started seeing eachother right before I went on a deployment and officially started dating about a month into it. We would text and skype all the time, and I fell very deeply in love with her. We really only got to see eachother in person a few times when I could come home/she came to visit, but we always had a very strong bond and attraction for eachother.
    In the first week of April, she made a trip
    out to see me. We had a fight, but we quickly made up. After ahe left, it started feeling like she was becoming more and more distant, and I couldn’t figure out why. She would stop texting me in the middle of the day, never picked up when I called, but would still post to Snapchat and such. Eventually I had enough of it and I told her I couldn’t stay in a relationship like that anymore. The following day, she texted and told me that she didn’t want to lose me and wanted to be with me forever, and after some talking we got back together. For about the next week, she said she had been going to see her long-time friend, who was a guy, because he had just got some new puppies. I had heard his name before so I remembered that she’s good friends with him. Throughout this week she had been getting distant again, saying her phone was dead when I knew it wasn’t, and not returning any of my calls. One day I asked her about it and she said she didn’t want to do this with me anymore. Within 3 days, she and this guy she was “friends”with were putting hearts all over eachother pics on facebook; within a week I saw pics of them hanging out on facebook ( I’m friends with her mom on there), and within 2 weeks of us breaking up they were officially dating.
    It’s been around 3 weeks since we broke up. I don’t understand how this woman that I had hoped to eventually spend my life with could do this to me, and so easily get into a relationship with another man. It’s hard because I guess her sister, who my buddy is married to, is almost like a sister to me, but they just seem to be perfectly okay with her moving on after fucking DAYS. About a week after we broke up I asked her sister if something had been going on with this kid before we broke up, she said she had asked he and all she said was “were not dating” and a fucking week later they are. She’s been telling everyone that “the distance was too much” but I’m the one away from all of my friends and family and I’ve never even thought about leaving her until she wouldn’t talk to me.
    Some days I feel okay but others I can’t even function because I just think of the girl I love being with someone just days after we broke up, if not before we even did, which it kinda seems like. And since I’m close to her family I don’t know what to do about the situation because I may have to see her again, possibly with this guy. Please help

    • Good morning says:

      Move on dude, its the best thing u can do in this situation, she didn’t chose to do this in one day, she thinked about this for months, its not happens just a one day,i was in the same situation as u are right now, and again, the best thing u can do is to move on without any beggins or talking.

  19. So here goes:
    I’m 35 and she’s 22. We met in the fall of 2016, working at the same store. She pursued me. I hadn’t been in a relationship since 2006 (which ended badly as well, because she was with other guys while with me). We went on a first date and it was MAGICAL. She was SOO FUNNY!!!! (Humor is probably the sexiest quality I look for in a woman.) And man, was I “on” that night, too!
    I had just moved back to VA from FL….back in with my parents. I am an alcoholic, you see, and although I was sober for nearly 2 years down in FL, I started up again and well… was bad. So my Dad (bless his heart) drove 14 hours to come get me. I slowly started to get healthy again. I went to mtgs, I was looking for work (and despite my not-so-great background and work history, found one right away!) I was a barista at Starbucks inside a Target and she was the beauty specialist. I was sober, I was working super hard and getting along with EVERYONE there, especially her. I was supposed to only be seasonal but they kept me on permanently. I bought a used car (which I LOVED) and was just doing super well, super quickly. Especially when she messaged me asking if I wanted to hang out—just out of the blue!!!! We had our first date, and then kept hanging out….not romantic….yet. It was around X-mas and we went to Richmond to check out some record stores. As we were crossing the street I pulled the ol’ “Wait! Gotta hold hands while crossing the street!” She LOVED that. Not long after, I visited her on my day off and, in my car, she kissed my forehead–leading me to just be like, “Nooo….not like THAT…” and I kissed her. It was like floating all day. For both of us. We kissed a lot more after that but one night she told me she still had feelings for one of her roommates (who also worked at Target). I was not yet “heart broken”, but I was upset and didn’t really speak to her anymore; at work or text, etc. Then one night she messaged me saying, “You know, if you wanted to ask me to dinner anytime, I’d be fine with that.” She kept pursuing and said she didn’t have feelings for her roommate anymore. We started hanging out again. We decided to spend New Year’s Eve together. I was trying to hide the fact that I was, at the moment, living with my parents and am also an alcoholic. We drank vodka that night and both got super drunk….and then I did tell her both of those things. She was so worried that it would fuck me up but I assured her that it’ll be just on occasion. Then we went to her room, laid down and held each other. We got intimate for the first time (literally HER first time having sex with a guy) and then we both said practically at the same time, “I love you.” It was official and we were both in utter bliss; always remarking daily how we’d never felt this happy in our entire lives. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We couldn’t be without each other. We would just drive around, and sometimes smoke and blast Deftones and Oasis and it was BEAUTIFUL.
    I stopped going to mtgs. And I didn’t drink again right away, but eventually, it happened. Our store was near a liquor store and I started buying little “airplane bottles” of vodka, and drinking them during work, as well as smoking a lot more (also during work). She didn’t really notice a difference in me right away, nor did anyone at work. In fact, most of the other baristas smoked on their breaks too. It just made work easier to get through (cuz customer service can be draining). I was scheduled to close by myself one night to relieve a fellow co-worker for a commitment he had. I asked him if I could smoke a quick cig before he left, to which he was like, “yeah man…that’s cool.” Then I don’t remember what happened. I must have downed like 4 vodkas and I passed out in my car. The co-worker got tired of waiting for me and left (he had permission already). I woke up to frantic knocking on my car window–it was HER, desperately trying to wake me up. She said everyone was looking for me and she was about to call 911. I ran back inside to see Starbucks closed and one of the managers came up to ask where I’d been. I was so drunk I was slurring bad and she knew what was up. She brought me to her office, saying I was not fired, but suspended. I was just crying like a baby. My girlfriend called my Dad and he came to pick me up. She followed us to the house and tried to spoon feed me soup (as I had not been eating well for a while due to the heavy drinking). She put me to bed, and tucked me in. I learned the next day that she gave my class ring back to my Dad. I was devastated. And when I called to see when I’d be able to come back to work, I was informed I was terminated. Pops and I went to retrieve my car and we went home. She kept texting me and calling me and I asked why she gave the ring back (duh.) —but to my surprise, she said she didn’t want to and she still wanted me/loved me more than anything. So we got back together, I started going to mtgs. again. I got healthier and we still couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I was surprisingly able to find a job a couple weeks later as a valet at a Marriot (which was sweet!), but I also had to work the cafe’—which was A LOT of work. She was so proud of me and it was bliss again.

    Then I started to drink again before work, during work, and after work. I had worked there for a little over a month, proving to be a hard worker. One day, I got a little too tipsy before my shift and the assistant manager, a real sweetheart, took me aside and asked me what was wrong. I lied and said my girlfriend had been in an accident–she was immediately worried and sympathetic and let me leave for the day. My girlfriend then proceeded to call the hotel looking for me, not knowing what all I had said. The next day, one of the head guys called me and grilled me about what happened and why my girlfriend called, etc. I knew I was busted….so I was filled with anxiety having to go to work the following early morning. So, I drank….a lot….before work. I walked in, clocked in, started to prepare the different food items for the day, asked to have a cig, and just left. My Dad then kicked me out. I was living in my car, drinking heavily and smoking heavily. My girlfriend was so worried and I told her I was gonna go to Memphis and stay with my younger brother. She was DEVASTATED—so much so that she waited at the bus station for me for hours–THEN drove to my parents’ home in tears while they consoled her. I am a completely different person when I drink….a real piece of shit, and I say REALLY NASTY MEAN things too….which I did….through text….breaking up with my girlfriend while she was sobbing at my parents’ place. She begged me to come to her apartment, and so I did. She got in my car and I broke down, apologizing profusely and crying asking her to take me back. She did. But her roommates despised me for being so shitty to her, that I wasn’t allowed to stay with her. I lived in my car for a month and a half, but sometimes she would sneak me in to sleep in her bed and she would make me food. I kept drinking and smoking and driving, until one day, I drank so much/smoked so much that I blacked out and got into a car accident–breaking my nose and receiving a huge gash on my hand. My car was totaled but nobody else was hurt. I was taken to the hospital where I woke up and she came and got me. She told her roommates that I would be staying there and that I would chip in. They weren’t happy, but they agreed, putting me on the lease. It was the first time I had ever lived with a girlfriend, and it was nice. I didn’t realize I had been charged with a DUI until the cops came to my parents’ house looking for me. My girlfriend drove me to the magistrate where I was arrested and then let go on bond. I was so depressed and ashamed and had horrible anxiety attacks for months until my trial. Every day, she would get up, make me breakfast and lunch, go to work, text me on her breaks about how in love she still is with me….while I either laid in bed fucking around on YouTube or played video games until she got home. I got a check for about 5 grand for the loss of my car, and I started to support her and take her out all the time; buying her things and we went on mini vacations to the beach while staying in nice hotels. Our lease at the apartment was up so we found an AMAZING place for very cheap and moved there right away. Then, my trial came and I was sentenced to 10 days in probably the worst jail in the country. She was there for me EVERY DAY. She got me through that hell hole. And when she picked me up on the 10th day, I came home to her having decorated the whole room with “WELCOME HOME, BABY!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!” and she had bought an X-mas tree and I just broke down crying. We made love right away and things were relatively okay. She was smoking a lot more pot and I would smoke with her, not realizing that one of the conditions of my release was to enroll in RASAAP (a court ordered dui prevention class that lasts about 10 weeks). There was another warrant out for my arrest and we were both surprised. I seriously had no idea. Then the hospital bills kept piling up from when I was in the accident (I wasn’t medically insured). I was so depressed and filled with anxiety, but she kept taking care of me and we had fun together still. Like, A LOT of fun together. I asked her to marry me and she said yes. We were so happy, but I would occasionally go on drinking binges—sometimes mock breaking up with her and saying horrible things to her—which I wouldn’t remember. I would cry and beg for her back and every time, she would take me back. The only money I had was my tax return and I was able to support us off that for a few months. I couldn’t even pay for the ring…’s so embarrassing………..but I’m just pouring out my soul here. My Dad helped us out with money and the ring. Then I got a letter informing me that the hospital was taking me to civil court (this August) for over $12,000. I was literally doing NOTHING while she worked her ass off. All I could offer her was jokes and sex and love. I didn’t even look for another job. I did the exact same shit I did at her apt: computer and video games. We would drink and smoke together and sometimes I had to dry out (which she would hold me while I had the shakes and was sweating) she still loved me so very much. My 2nd trial was coming up, and I was drinking a lot over it to try and calm my severe anxiety. Funny enough, we started having like, the GREATEST sex EVER at this time. Like….well….yeah…anyways….
    She had made plans to visit her mother in FL because her Mom was getting a lump removed from her breast (it was benign, thank God). But she wasn’t coming back until the night before the day of my trial. I was pissed. I’m so selfish and shitty and even more so when I’m drinking. I couldn’t believe she would leave me when I needed her the most—not even thinking about her and her family. While she was gone, I drank……and one night…..too much. Being the idiotic, piece of shit twerp I am, I announced via fucking FACEBOOK that the engagement was over and messaged her accordingly. I woke up to her BEGGING for me to take her back. And I mean like….phone ringing off the hook, text after text. But I was being an asshole, and when she got home….we still weren’t together. Because of this, her Mom offered to come pick her up on May 12th (this year) and bring her down to live with her in FL. She accepted. I was devastated and now I was begging. We had 10 days with each other and she promised if I got a job, and paid back the money for her Mom’s plane ticket, that she would stay. So, I searched tirelessly and got some real good interviews, but nothing came. And for the next 5 days, I would beg her to please stay. She would humor me and say she would, even though I knew she was still leaving. She said that I needed to win her back and that she would most definitely wait for me; declaring a love like ours would never ever die. I was so heartbroken but the last couple days we still made love constantly and hung out and had fun together. Then, on the day she was leaving, I was still drunk from the night before, and when she tried to wake me to say goodbye…….the last words I said to her were “Fuck you.” (I don’t remember any of it). My heart was shredded. As was hers. We messaged each other constantly over the next couple of days–she said she loves me so much and missed me to no end, as I did her. She asked if we could do a long distance relationship until I finished all my legal and financial obligations, and then would come down to be with her. I was SO EXCITED AND JUMPED AT IT! Then, she said she had to go to a funeral for a distant relative in TN (where she’s originally from). She said she would text me the minute she got there and when it was done. She never did. I must’ve sent like 50 texts to her, pleading for her to answer. I would call and call to no answer. The next morning, she messaged me saying how sorry she was and if I could ever forgive her. I said, “Of course! Are you okay??! Can I call you??” to which she replied, “I don’t really have service out here and I’m really tired. We’re driving home right now and I’ll call you when I get there. Again, she didn’t call. Again, I blew her phone the fuck UP. After calling so many times, she turned her phone off. I would constantly try texting and calling over and over as the days went on. She finally responded, saying…..”I just want you to get well. That’s all I want.” I asked her why she won’t talk to me and why all of a sudden she was being so cold and not love-y at all. She said she didn’t want to tell me because I’d be too upset. That’s when I knew, but I put on a front and assured her I wouldn’t. I waited until the long text answer came–explaining….”…it happened so unexpectedly…..I was hanging out with my old boyfriend from high school….he’s always treated me real nice, he stays away from alcohol……and it just felt right. I was going to wait for you, but you were so upset and driving me crazy. I’m really sorry… must be broken. He’s good for me, though…and I seriously need you to just get better.” My heart was now ashes, but again, I put on the front, “No! It’s fine! I just want you to be happy! You deserve it! You tried so hard with me and if he treats you right, then that’s awesome! I hope we can still be friends.” To which she was like, “You’re not mad?” “Of course not!” (lie) She said we can definitely still be friends and I could text her anytime. Then she immediately changed her profile pic on FB to her and her new beau….status updated “in a relationship”….I looked the guy up and there were nothing but beautiful pics of her and how happy they both were. He’s a good looking kid too, he plays drums like me, has his own place, a car, not in financial debt, not an alcoholic, is a computer technician, and they have a good history. She immediately moved in with him (much to her Mom’s dismay) back in TN. So, they’re living together and probably fucking like rabbits (she’s kind’ve a horndog). I told her I needed to cut ties from her and deleted her from my FB friends….as well as deleting all the pics we had and all the pics she had sent me over the course of our nearly 2 year relationship. I’ve tried not to text her, but I do occasionally, but she doesn’t even reply. I try to NOT look her or him up on FB, but find myself doing just that—seeing pics of them kissing and smiling and just so happy and in love. I’m actually tempted to do so right now…..but I won’t. I’ve moved back in with my parents, I have barely eaten, I can’t stop having anxiety attacks and crying–no, SOBBING. I’ve threatened to kill myself multiple times to my family. I’m not drinking (because I can’t…..if I could I would, but I am currently in a court ordered Outpatient program and need to complete that before completing RASAAP……and I know I shouldn’t because that has been the root of all my problems) but I want to just numb myself. I’m 35, living with my parents, no money, no job, no car, in HUGE financial debt, have DUI court in July, and my fiancé is with someone who I know she truly is in love with. I’ve hit rock bottom. I can barely eat, I can’t sleep, I’m taking antidepressants but they’re not working. I can’t stop shaking and sweating and crying. I can’t even get out of bed.
    But here’s the thing: reflecting on ALL of this, it’s no fucking wonder she left and moved on to someone who she has history with who deserves her much more than me. She really REALLY REALLY REALLY tried with me, multiple times. I dug this grave, and I’m not shocked or surprised anymore. She basically took care of me, and I just laid around, doing NOTHING. I have got to get my life back together. I’m soooooo fortunate and blessed to have family that still loves and supports me. My Dad and step mom are taking me to the Outpatient mtgs. every week even though they work LONG hours every day like an hour away. My Dad also is going to help me get legal aide for the civil suit in Aug. They’re going to take me to my DUI court and other obligations. I’m trying to find a doctor/psychiatrist who I can get my anti-anxiety and anti-depressants from, but, as I said, I can’t even bring myself to get out of bed. On Monday, I will force myself to make the necessary phone calls to said doc and legal aide. I’ve applied for food stamps and have an interview with them on the 10th. I’m slowly starting to eat again. I look like shit….like, super skinny, pale, disheveled beard, and I haven’t shaved my head in a while (I’m bald, except for the sides.) Getting this all out feels good, actually. Thank you for this opportunity. But I still feel so alone and I miss her so much. She was my life. I really did love her…still do. I’ve tried to have ill feelings towards her, but I always tell myself, “you put her through hell, she tried so hard with you, she took care of you, she DESERVES to be taken care of now, let her go.” Which is easier said than done. I know I have to quit drinking and get all my shit together; eventually find a job and, after Dec 7th, apply for a restricted license and save some money up for a car so I can work and move out to possibly a sober living house or just rent a room near my eventual job. But I get overwhelmed and again, can’t stop thinking of her–with him. Like we’re talking days of no sleep. I’m exhausted, I feel like shit, I know I’ll never see her again, and I still feel like ending it. I read some of the other stories on here and if anyone actually reads ALL of this, it’s pretty obvious that I need to sac up and mature the fuck up. Thanks again for letting me vent.

    • Sorry, I need to vent more. I can’t stop thinking about her with him. It’s such a physical pain in my chest and I feel like throwing up every time she pops in my head. I keep checking FB (but fortunately, for a couple days now, NOT her or his pages)….but I keep checking in hopes that she’ll want to “friend” me again or message me. No dice. I’m delusional, I guess. I keep checking my phone to see if she has texted or called me. Nothing. I kind of got a little excited when I saw there was a call that said, “No Caller ID”…….fantasizing in my fucked up head that it was her, and she turned her caller ID off so I’d not just blow her off; hoping that she’d be in tears…..saying she missed me so much, and that it didn’t work out between her and her new bf. Asking if I would come to TN or if she could come back to VA and we’d get back together. But again, just me being super naïve and delusional. That shit’s NEVER going to happen. EVER. Do you know how many times I tell myself that a day?! I lose count.
      So, here I am….in this nice, comfortable room, at 5:40am, in the dark. Not sleeping. Still sweating and shaking (anxiety? withdrawals….still???) Not full blown crying but tears and close to all out water works. I’m re-watching the HBO show, “Crashing” (seasons 1 and 2)….because it’s very sort of kind of like what I’m going through. It’s about one of my favorite comedians, Pete Holmes and loosely based on his early start at stand up in NYC. He was married for 6 years. Had never slept with ANYone else but his wife, who has been supporting him financially pretty much the whole time while he tries to “make it” as a stand up comic (something I’ve always wanted to try). He comes home one day and finds her in bed with another man. He’s devastated, heartbroken, angry, disillusioned (sp?). He ends up leaving their house and has no where to go. So he goes to comedy clubs and bumps into Artie Lange, who tries to help him and gives him a couch to crash on for one night. It’s a really touching, funny, and RELATABLE series and I definitely recommend watching it! What’s weird about watching this is, it is a constant reminder about my pain and loss, but it also distracts me from thinking of her….isn’t that peculiar?? Anyways……I don’t know what else to write. I don’t even know if this site is still up and running anymore; as I see the last post on here was March of this year. It’s just good to vent. I guess I’m going to try and eat more today, shower….maybe shave my face and head…..and finish doing my laundry. Also, I’m definitely going to call the legal aide again constantly today as well as the doctor to see if I can get an appointment and treat this horrendous anxiety. I might actually go outside today and walk around the neighborhood a little bit (but it’s been raining all weekend and looks like same news today…). I guess I’ll try and call my younger brother too. And maybe this guy I used to go to mtgs. with. I just hate talking on the phone now! (In high school, you could NOT get me OFF the fucking phone….but fucking texts and messenger have ruined me.) I really would like a pack of cigarettes, but I don’t have any money and I still don’t look like I should be out and about with anyone yet. Plus that’d be fucked up of me to ask my friend to buy me some smokes. God, I’m STILL SO SELFISH!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!? I dunno, man….I dunno what to fucking do with myself. I’m alone all day in this big house, with my fucked up thoughts and my fucked up, unhealthy body still shaking and sweating.
      I should mention that every serious relationship I’ve been in (I’ve been in 4), I’ve acted pretty similar. Except for the first 2, I wasn’t drinking (very rarely, anyways….it was high school…..occasional parties). But, I would constantly break up with my first serious gf, she would beg me to come back (sobbing), I’d take her back. Over and over, until one day she was like, “Fine.” She didn’t move on right away (I don’t think, anyways)….and I kept calling and calling and waiting by the phone in the dark in my room for her to call me and ask for another shot. Nope. A year later, my band was playing a punk show and this local girl who always came out to shows but lived like a county away and I were flirting and joking with each other that night after the show. She gave me her number and I believe the next day, I met her and her family (I think? I know it was her sister and mom? I dunno…it was 2000) at the movies to see “Me, Myself, and Irene”. Anyway, not long after we started dating and she was my first. But I repeated the same just cruel behavior: break up with her, she’d cry, ask for me back, and so on until that one day when she was like, “Fine.” THIS time, she had already met someone else; they both came over to my family’s house to pick up the rest of her things. Awkward. Again, depression, darkness, I even made a fake AOL profile and Instant Messaged her, pretending to be just a “cool kid who loves punk rock”…..but I think she caught on. I didn’t see her for YEARS after that. She moved to Richmond, and was heavily into the music scene there. Before she moved though, one night my punk band was playing this AWESOME house show–and she was in attendance! We had a really good set. I was sweaty and shirtless and disassembling (sp?) my drum set when she came up to me and was all, “Wow! You guys were amazing!” “Thanks,” I replied…kind of cold. She said, “You’re really sweaty! It’s a good look on you….” like VERY flirtatious. “I guess. Good to see you.” And I just brushed her off. It was mean as fuck, but honestly, at the time, I felt pretty good about it. (Of course I did, I’m a sociopath!) THEN she moved to Richmond. I hung out with her a couple times whilst chilling with bandmates and friends down there. We got pretty drunk and stoned together….nothing happened though. Then, I got into this heavy, math-rocky, ADD type band and we were REALLY fucking good! We toured most of the country and played Richmond ALL THE TIME.
      And then, my mother died suddenly of a massive heart attack at age 50. Cue the alcoholism. I was working at a coffee shop in the mall with this one GORGEOUS (but young…I was 22, she was 18…) girl, who bought me a card which I thought was so sweet. One night we were closing together, and I was like, “What’re you doing tonight?” She said, “Hanging out with my friend, Danielle.” “Well, if you ever want to chill, hit me up.” She called me later THAT NIGHT, saying things fell through with her friend and asked if she could come over to the townhouse I was living in at the time. I said, “Fuck YEAH!” I had bought a small bottle of I think rum and a six pack of beer. She was on probation for…..I forget… she didn’t drink or smoke. I picked her up (I think….it was 2005) and she had her pj’s on. We went back to my place and played UNO while I drank. Then, my stoner roommate came downstairs with a blunt and asked if we wanted to smoke. She said she couldn’t but I was like, “Sure!!!” He went back upstairs after talking a little while, and she all of a sudden jumped out of her chair over to me and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. Which I, in turn, went over to her and kissed her….but softly and not quick. She then called her mom and told her she was staying with Danielle tonight. My room was a fucking MESS so I didn’t want to bring her up there, so we used the sofa bed downstairs. Yeah, we fucked the first night of hanging out (I DO NOT recommend doing that). I visited her at our work the next day and she was like, “So you know we’re together, right?” I was giddy! This girl was soooo fucking HOT!!!! It was nice the first…..I’d say, 9 months(?)…..but I REPEATED THE SAME BEHAVIOR!!!!! Then I stopped and we were doing good. THEN, she started being a psycho; trying to pick fights about Anything and Everything!!! It was weird and scary. I knew she was cheating on me and I kept calling her out on it, which she denied. I had a show in Richmond one night and she and a friend of hers wanted to come. So I drove us down there and as I was loading my drums inside the venue, serious gf #2–who had moved down there years back–saw me, pretended like she DIDN’T see me, and asked one of my band mates, “Is Daniel here yet?” They pointed to me and she strolled over…already flirtatious. But my psycho gf was beside me… was soooo awkward!!! I introduced the two of them, to which my gf was like, “Is this your ex bitch?!” and then stomped away. It was embarrassing, and eventually my ex left before watching our set. My gf and I were fighting ALL NIGHT over it. So on the drive home, her friend was SUPER drunk and was like, “Hey Daniel, Samantha (my gf)has some secrets to tell you..” To which my gf was like, “Shut UP, bitch!”……so it further fueled my suspicions. She graduated high school and as a graduation present, I took her down to Tampa, FL so she could reconnect with her estranged Dad. My GOD what a nightmare!!!!! 14 hour drive….and there was a fucking HURRICANE happening when we got to FL!!!! But we had been fighting the WHOLE TIME…UGHHH!!!!!!!! Anyway, we got to her Dad’s fucking MANSION, he offered us prime rib and beer….he was a nice guy! I was in the throws of alcoholism at that point in my life and I had a back pack full of beers which I would try to hide from her because I thought I wasn’t as “cool” or “sexy” without drinking 2 or 3 when I woke up. Her step mom wanted to take us to Six Flags with a couple of neighborhood girls. It was going alright…..but then, she wanted to ride the Loch Ness Monster—a big ass roller coaster–with her step mom. I hate roller coasters so I said I’d just sit and look after their stuff and drink my ridiculously expensive 16 oz Budweiser. While they were on the ride, her phone kept vibrating. So I looked at it….thinking it might be her Mom……and saw all these texts from this guy who had tattooed both of us; describing how he couldn’t wait for her to come home and they could resume doing all the pornographic stuff they apparently had been doing for quite some time….in detail. I felt like I was hit in the stomach by a rhino. As soon as she got off, I confronted her… front of everyone……calling her a “slut”……and eventually saying it was over. Awkward as fuck for her step mom and the two girls…..*sigh*… we started to go to the car to go back to her Dad’s. She called her Mom to let her know what had just happened and then she handed me her phone. Her mom begged me to please drive her back to VA, and I agreed (a DUMB decision!!!). We got back to her Dad’s and she threw my class ring in their big ass yard. I (and the two girls, bless their hearts!) frantically looked for it and then found it. I then called my Dad crying, saying my heart was in pieces. I went inside and thanked her step mom and her Dad for the hospitality, apologized, and said I would be staying in a hotel that night; saying I would pick Samantha up in the morning and drive us back to VA. I bought a 24 pack of Bud and checked into a Holiday Inn; drunkenly and in tears calling my band members and brothers who suspected already that she had been with other guyS. I got pretty tipsy before picking her up at 9 am cuz, I just couldn’t take it. I was probably not okay to drive, but I was so used to it (sounds awful, I know). I just blasted my music and sang along to it while still drinking. Samantha was furious and said, “We are NOT broken up….what if I just kissed you right now??” “I’d push you the fuck away,” I replied. There was a HUGE traffic jam and I really had to pee….so I got out cuz we were not moving for a while and went in the woods, came back and she had grabbed me another beer and opened it for me…..which I thanked her for… was weird. Anyway, we made it back FINALLY late that night, she got her shit, said, “Have a nice life.” and ran inside her and her Mom’s apt. We still worked together….which was very awkward….but I pretended like she didn’t even exist. She couldn’t take it anymore and quit. All the other employees (all female, oddly enough) were siding with me, and she couldn’t stand it. She tried to rub it in my face that she was with this new guy Jesse, who I had hung out with a few times……I was dying inside and drinking A LOT MORE. I had a couple “flings” with this girl I worked with and she admitted to me that Samantha had been fucking multiple dudes for a while now. On New Year’s Eve 2006-07, I had a threesome with this girl and her friend. It was pretty awesome…..but still didn’t fill the void. That’s when I spiraled, eventually called my family, admitted I was an alcoholic, and moved to Northern VA with my Dad. Multiple rehabs, relapses, I quit my band, I got fired from both jobs (coffee shop and….haha……ABC store). It was insane. Wow…this is a lot to write but it feels good.
      My family finally had an intervention for me (which was one of the WORST days of my life) and made me go to this boot camp rehab in FL for 4 months. God, that place was a psychological HELL!!!!!! BUT–I stayed sober for nearly 2 years….found a great job at Publix…found a roommate (best roommate EVER–he was this bagger at Publix who was like 70….a real sweet dude from Long Island….straight up old school Italian….who was kind of…..let’s say……in his own world). And I kept getting promoted at my job…..
      Then I started drinking again…..
      Dad got me…..
      And enter Fall of 2016……full circle.
      Thanks for letting me type this. I doubt anyone’s gonna read this, but it felt good. Man, I have a lot of issues and TONS of growing up to do. Why am I such a sociopath with my relationships?? The alcohol just makes it 70 billion times worse!!! I dunno man……I want to end it. What’s the point? Fuck it….

      • I read your story all the way through. You are a very talented writer. Parts of it made me cry. So sorry for for all you have been though. Alcohol, just like heavy drugs have ruined many a good man. Maybe once you are strong enough in your sobriety, you should spend time writing a book about your life and how you overcame alcoholism for others who are suffering, kind of like this guy is did on getting over their girlfriends leaving them for another guy. If your smart, you will repent your sins to Jesus and he will become your savior and help you turn your life around. He loves you so very much and wants to relieve your suffering. Call on His name, he will never leave you.

  20. Anonymus says:

    Hi, let me tell you my story

    I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years. But damn I was seriously in love with her. Me being with her was the best thing ever happened to me. For 4 months she was at the city where I stayed and we will meet each other almost everyday. I will suprise her with gifts almost everytime i visit her.Same goes to her, she gave me gifts and letters. During that 4 months we only had one argument and we resolved it on that following day. Then it was time for her to go back college. During when she was at college, nothing seemed to change about her. She will call me everyday and text me everyday. She will beg to me to come and meet her so I sacrificed my appetite and started to work part time as i was studying college as well to save money. And we met couple of times and did alot, i mean a lot of intimacy together. Yet I promised to myself I won’t break her virginity as I wanted to marry her. All was goin well. Then she had to go back to her hometown for a few months. She was working in a hospital at the time. I noticed her change dramatically. She started not to call me and won’t text me as she will tell she’s busy and tired. She started to go out without even telling me. The painful part is that she never even told me once to come and meet her after 4 months staying there.But I can’t fully blame her because before this i used to scold her alot for small things yet I seriously loved her alot. Okay back to the story. Then I went to her hometown to confront her and she begged me she won’t leave me and she wont ignore me as well. So i belived her. I stayed there for one night and we had intimate feelings has well when she slept with me. For a few days, she msg me nicely but then she started back her attitude. I started to blackmail her, if she doesn’t love me and give me the proper attention, I will tell her parents about our relationship and it scared her alot. But my intentions was not to tell her parents, i just wanted her to be with me. I continued this blackmail but over time she didn’t got scared. She started to curse me as well and i was starting to beg her to not leave me. Then she went back college. We only spoke on the phone once romanticly. Then fight started and she told me she didn’t want to continue this relationship. It broke me. I kept on begging me. I went to her place to convince her but she chased me out. We didn’t spoke for a few weeks then. I wished her for something and she replied but i can feel it wasn’t the same person I loved and care. We texted and she told she wanted to be friends first before accepting me as her bf. I didn’t agree as it felt so weird to be friends again. I wanted to change from my blackmailing habits yet my ego prevented me from doing that. Few weeks before Christmas, we agreed to meet and we meet again at her hometown. But she gave me the cold shoulder. She told we’re just friends and i will think about whether to accept you as my bf or not. I agreed and we went to the movies together as friends. So As the new year came, I told her I wanted to call to wish her new year. She didn’t want me to call first yet later she agreed. Then I called she answered and we wished for new year but her voice showed that she wasn’t interested. She told we’ll be friends first and she’ll accept me if she has feelings. So I agreed. But things started to turn around. I will text her yet she will reply pretty darn late but she will be online. When asked, she will tell she’s texting her friend. I asked her friend and she told she didn’t receive the text from my ex. But I ignored, as days go by she stopped replying to my text and i took a risk to blackmail her again and promised not to blackmail her again. But she blackmailed me telling if u ever come to my place You will get it from me. I got scared. I told her not to do anything and I won’t blackmail her again. My last message was a good morning message and she replied as well and then there was no contact from her. I got scared that something bad happened to her. I asked her friends whether she’s okay and they replied “don’t know”.Then somehow i found out she actually has a Instagram account without me knowing and she actually blocked me. I knew this because i used my friend’s account. I went to her place to convince her back . I made a suprise gift for her. I went to her place and her friend asked me to wait for 3 hours so I waited patiently. Then she came with an angry face. I tried to convince her yet she insisted that she don’t want me. I gave her the suprise but she ignored and actually stepped on it. First she told she will find a new bf but I didn’t want her and then she told i already found one. I stopped for a while. So asked her the proof, and then the guy came. Big body and looked like a thug. He started to insult me and telling bad words. I told her she’s mine and I actually told that we already slept together but it’s okay that u guys slept, i dont care about it.That guy told now she’s mine. Infront of me they were calling “baby”. It broke my heart. She left with the guy but I didn’t believe at first that he was his bf because its to fast for someone to move on. So i went to meet her brother, told him everything what happened. He told he will investigate and update me. So I believed him. I didn’t received any update from him and he ignored my messages as well. After one month of hard praying and realising my mistakes. I saw a picture I received. It totally broke my heart into millions of pieces. I saw a pic of her with that guy telling “good night love”. I was so devastated and at the same time angry and i msg his brother. I sent him the pics and I wasn’t shocked. I told him that i already slept with his sister but he told me its okay and you just have to move on. I stopped msging him. I was totally depressed. I wanted to confront her with her parents. I called her dad but there was no answer. And then i thinked about it. Is it worth it to confront with someone who cheated on me? Then I decided not to go. I gathered all her gifts and pictures and burned it beside a graveyard. I cried alot. I didn’t ate as well. The next day the new bf called me and threaten me that he’s gonna kill me and my family because I actually called her dad. I ignored his words and cut the call. I msg her friend telling that I’ve already moved on and told her to infrorm her bf not to disturb me again. Lastly i sent a thank you email to the person who cheated on me and sent a video of me burning her things.
    It’s been few days since that horrible event happened to me and I can’t seeemed to move on. Its been days since i last ate and having trouble with my studies.Later i came to know that the guy is actually working at the same place she’s working. So i know for one why she chose that guy. And i ask u Jesse, was it my fault that i was too harsh to her until she made her decision or was it something else? My only intentions was to marry her. I only thinked about her future. But what she did was unacceptable. Our anniversary is coming up in matter of days yet she’s happy with another guy. Was it my fault or hers? Will she regret for leaving me or should I regret? Your opinions will help me to move on.

  21. I was in a relationship for four years with a girl I loved more than anyone. She had bipolar disorder, and once she started college in the third year of our relationship, the stress started to cause episodes. I was very patient with her, and they were always resolved within two days, only happening about once every other month. Valentine’s Day this year would have been our official fourth year anniversary, and I planned to propose. Earlier this week she told me she was conflicted. She couldn’t decide between me and this guy she knew from high school whom she had been messaging for about a month. I knew she was talking to him, but it was strictly platonic. I was devastated. This guy is no-good. He’s a womanizer. The longest relationship he’s ever been in lasted six months, but it was on-and-off becuase he cheated on the girl several times. The girl was in a relationship when he got with her, too. I know he messaged her first with the intent of hooking up, but he pretends to be friends until he gets what he wants. My girlfriend was convinced he had changed, but I presented proof that he has not. She took his word over mine. She said she wanted us both to be happy, but she felt trapped in the cycle of our relationship. I told her I would help her get medical help for her bipolar disorder, but she then said she wanted change. She said she still loves me. Obviously, I still love her. This completely blindsided me. Everything was going great right up until this point. After much discussion and tears shed on both our behalves, she left me for him. We decided we still should remain friends. I just talked to her today, having ended things for good yesterday, and I’m devastated to find out they’ve already gone on a date. I want her to be happy, but not with him. I feel totally lost. I don’t want her back because I can never trust her again, but I hate knowing that she’s being used. My self-confidence has been destroyed. I asked her what he has that I don’t and she just said that he makes her happy. I asked her if I made her happy, and she said I do, leaving me with no idea of why she’s done this other than she wants to be with someone new. After four years and her asking me repeatedly when I would propose, this is impossible for me to digest. My friends keep trying to cheer me up, but the cycle of feeling fine and being depressed is draining me. I don’t want her back, but I can’t even imagine being with someone else. I feel sick. I resent her, I hate what she did, I despise the man she’s with with a burning passion, but I still care about her. I want to go no contact, but I miss having someone to chat with on the phone. When he leaves her she’s going to come to me for help, and it’s going to be so hard. What should I do?

    • Vinay Krishna says:

      I know how the pain feels
      talking about your gf
      1. Your gf knows it will hard to deal after a breakup to ease that pain she is taking a shortcut and getting back with you and using you to emotionally get normal.
      2. If your gf is playing the sympathy game it means that she is not a strong individual who will not fight in life. ( she will let go of you in a difficult situation) .
      3.Never get too emotionally attached with your gf or any girl, women like masculine men .
      4.She is less emotional than you , you have gone into too much of an emotional phase.
      I will explain in this way
      “When you fall in love you dig a grave same for your partner too, the grave you have dug is very deep and your clever partner has dug a smaller one . She purposely dug a small one because she can climb back but you my friend will find it hard” . She also got help from another guy to climb back inspite of the small grave she dug, wbu ? You can either get back up alone , you will become a strong individual by doing so or you can go for a different girl.
      We will be waiting on the ground floor for you to climb back.

  22. First off, thank you for writing this post. I related with a lot of the points you made. My girlfriend left me a couple of weeks ago and I’m currently trying to piece myself together, but damn is it hard.

    She explained to me that our relationship had to end because she didn’t know if she wanted to be in a committed relationship anymore. She went on about how she started feeling that way for a couple of months. It was after Thanksgiving she knew she was going to leave me for sure.

    I personally could not trust a word that came out of her mouth at that point. I was so blown away by what she was saying because she always acted like she loved me. I never once thought her feelings were going another way because I trusted everything she told me. When she broke up with me she explained how she still loves and cares about me, which I found to be bullshit. It was bullshit because my friend later explained to me that she was out drinking with her new friends that same night.

    The hardest part was that I knew when she broke up with me, that it was because she wanted to see someone else. I knew who the person was too. I had seen him at parties and other social gatherings and I saw the way she interacted with him that there might be a chance she had some connection with him. During the break up I brought up this point, and she assured me that was not the case. She said she didn’t even know if she wanted to date at all.

    Well my feelings were confirmed when after a couple of weeks I saw her around campus with her new boyfriend. That day I lost my damn mind. I felt so betrayed and crushed because I knew everything she told me was a damn lie. All the times she told me she loved me during the months her feelings were going away, that I mattered to her, that she would always be there for me, it was all I fucking lie.

    Its hard to think how someone you loved can move on so fast and have the time of their lives, while your sitting her devastated trying to figure out what to do. Even though I’ve been told many times not to blame myself, I can’t help but do. I question what I did do to deserve this? The hardest pill to swallow was that I did nothing to deserve it.

    Its really hard to move on and focus on yourself when you feel like there is no point in doing so. Especially when this is the second time this has happened to you. At least this time it did not involve my best friend. Although it still hurts all the same, and for some reason it hurts worse. I truly loved this person and thought that she loved me too. While the entire time, behind all the fake bullshit she was feeding me, she was counting down the days she could leave me for someone else.

    I think the hardest part for me is how I should deal with this anger. I have blocked her out of my life and accepted that I will never see her again. Now I’m just left with myself and all these angry emotions and no where to put them. I have smashed and thrown away anything that reminded me of her, but I’m still angry. This feeling keeps holding me back from moving on and bettering myself. I really just wish that I can turn on a switch and and forget everything about my ex as fast as she forgot about me. Although life isn’t that easy is it?

    Sorry if this shit post was hard to read as Im still fresh from this break up. I just wanted to share my story and see if there was any suggestions on how to move on from this kind of break up. I just want to get rid of all this rage I have and I can’t find a healthy way to do it. I stay up at night thinking how my ex is probably fucking her new boyfriend while I’m sitting here in a shell of my former self.

    • Hey man,

      Thanks for sharing. I didn’t think it was hard to read at all, in fact I thought it was quite well written. I decided to answer your question in a blog post here:

      Let me know your thoughts.


    • Tony,

      I just read your post too and I know you are over a year down the line since this happened but man am I sorry you had to go through that.

      I am currently in your situation and I know how you feel. My heart is shattered into pieces and I have all this anger built up but nothing to do to ease the pain. Unfortunately for men like us, time is the only healer. I really hope you’re doing well now pal, you deserve it after that sort of bullshit. She never deserved you man, you can’t reason with people who have no morals.

  23. Sex is a strategy we use to meet our psychological needs and not a need itself.
    Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way.

    We measure our existence by how much impact we have on others, both physically and emotionally. If you feel like you don’t matter to her (don’t have an impact), it’s like being told you don’t exist at all!

    When she violates your right to know what is going on in your relationship she is cheating. Have no doubt

    The passive aggressive ignores the problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.

    They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don’t act until after they’ve caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

    there is only one remedy, NO CONTACT and date everyone you can if you are a guy. Basically blow the doors off of it. You mean nothing to your old flame, they are not even thinking of you.. They know exactly what they are doing. No being drunk is not a excuse, no one is holding them hostage either, also as a guy, if a woman is in love with you, she would never ever let another man touch her. What is there not to understand

  24. Hi Jesse,

    I was in a relationship for nine years with my ex. We went through a lot together: including the loss of grandparents and her infertility diagnosis. I am now 30 and she is 27. She broke up with me last week citing there was no longer a ‘connection there’ and she wanted to just be friends.

    I asked her if there was anyone else she was interested in and she said ‘No, there is no one else’.

    The following week I was out and ran into her with this overseas student she knew from college (she attends it as a mature age student).

    I knew of the guy; she told me he was just a friend about six months ago – I asked about him texting her during our relationship and she said he was just helping her out with her Spanish since he was a native speaker.

    About four months ago she started going to a Latin club. I work week nights so didn’t mind if she went out without me with her college friends. I now believe this is where is started slow-dancing/grinding with her, pulling out that animal attraction that laid dormant for the last few years. I regret not going with her but felt enough security in our relationship that it was no issue.

    I had been working late, there was constant bickering and she was getting more moody. I now realise she was fixing to leave the relationship and possibly testing things out with this new guy.

    I feel played.

    When I saw her at the local bar the week after she broke up with me when I introduced myself she told him ‘We dated once’ and was smiling ear to ear having the greatest time by his side. There was lots of PDA with the new guy on the dance floor. I wanted to talk but she told me ‘I’m not dating you anymore’ and that was it. I appeared outgoing complimenting the guy’s watch and shirt but inside I was dying.

    I am not sure if she is now in a rebound/overlapping/? relationship.

    The few days after she broke up with me I was desperate to have her back but considering that she has moved on so fast with this guy to be sleeping with him less than a week after the break up is maybe a step too far.

    It’s a pity because I regarded her as the love of my life.

    Obviously you don’t know the full situation, but how likely would she seek to come back if it doesn’t work out with this new guy?

    How long do these relationships usually go for? I don’t know whether to consider the new relationship a ‘rebound’ as she seems to have been laying the grounds for it months before she dumped me.

    I hold it’s doubtful getting back together considering the feelings she had at the end of the relationship (she told me we were more like ‘companions’, this was despite coming around a few days later and having hours of break up sex).

    Just four days after the break up sex with me she was in bed with the new guy (who she had known for six months before hand).

    Will she start having second thoughts? Obviously there are a lot of variables in the mix.

    I still miss her and am obviously bereft. I was stressed at work and perhaps not displaying the amount of romantic interest she wanted to see in the months leading up to the break up, we were also passive aggressive and resentful of one another not doing chores around the place.

    Despite this I still thought we were a strong couple (as we loved one another) and these domestic squabbles were just part of the ebbs and flows of a long-term relationship.

    However I do feel she was also distant on her phone, texting this guy and goodness else knows, I don’t take full blame for not nurturing the relationship.

    I know it probably isn’t recommended to reconcile but would she ever come back, considering the time we were together?

    She was my first love and serious partner, we talked of marriage last year – surrogate kids, I miss her so much and care deeply about being with her.

    I feel I would be able to forgive her as we were under financial pressure, she was having issues with her menopausal hormones and I understand the relationship seemed stagnant.

    When she broke up with me I told her I would make changes and cut back more hours to be with her (the financial situation improved towards the end) but she said there was nothing left (despite later having break up sex and still saying she loved me but wasn’t in love with me).

    I am willing to put in the work to get her back, but am unsure of the next steps. I gather I just remain silent and watch the new relationship play out in the months ahead, re-contacting her once it’s over.

    If it does last years though then at least I will still be improving myself and maybe I will find someone new in the meantime (even though that’s hard to think about right now as all I want to do is roll up like a hedgehog).

    • Hey Jason,

      I get it, you want her back and you’re willing to do anything, including waiting years, for her. All the questions you’re asking are about her, her new relationship, what she’s going through and what your chances are.

      The only question that matter here is this: Why are you pursuing someone that doesn’t want to be with you?

      Said different: Why do you believe you don’t deserve someone that wants you back?

      Listen, right after your breakup you’re going to be experiencing the Romeo & Juliet effect. Your feelings of love towards her are going to be greater than before the breakup. It’s nature’s way of making sure you exhaust any flicker of hope there is. One trap many of us fall into is the trap of Emotional Reasoning. We use these strong emotions we feel to justify that this must mean we’re supposed to fight for this person and pursue them no matter what. I think you might be falling in this trap, because you mention plenty of factual based reasons why things may not have been working out between you two.

      Here are some of the things that jumped out at me:

      1. She prepared the jump to her current relationship
      2. She dismissed you as “we dated once”
      3. She slept with this guy 4 days after you last slept together
      4. Your relationship had lost its energy

      To be honest, it sounds like your relationship has run its course and she doesn’t want to be with you. That’s painful as f*$*! to hear, but I’m telling you because it will be more painful to continue to deny the evidence.

      I think pursuing her when you’re not getting any indication that she wants to be with you is painful for you and damaging to your self-worth. With you actions you are acting out the belief that you do not deserve someone that loves you back.

      You can’t turn off your love, but you can decide not to pursue it when it isn’t reciprocated. And that’s the healthy thing to do.

      Go no contact. You’ll start to think more clearly. I a couple of days, weeks, see how you reflect on the problems you had in the relationship, how disrespectfully she treated you infront of her new boyfriend. You will start to see things differently.

      Sorry if this isn’t the answer you were looking for, but I believe it’s what you need to hear.

    • Vinay Krishna says:

      Your only hurting your dignity by going back to women who rejected you over an another guy.
      Even if you get her back you won’t have a healthy relationship as you could be treated low , you could be an emotional fool and ditched again.
      If that happens you will feel twice as hard as the pain you are feeling right now. Can you take it ?
      Take some time off so that you can heal , become stable ( when your good enough to make your own decisions)
      You are the best person to take a decide on your situation.
      If you are confident enough that you can dump your gf when a situation comes then your ready for a relationship with her.
      Remember this “We are all born alone , live alone and die alone only through the illusion of love and friendship we feel that we are not alone” love and friendship are needed to not make us feel lonely.

  25. Hey Jesse, this is Jesse. My gf of 2 years broke up with me on Oct 25th and it came as a complete shock to me. In the two years we were together, we lived together almost the entire time. We went on trips to Hawaii, London and New York. We constantly talked about our future and were near to purchasing a house and even moving to a different state to be near her sister. I would spend tons of time at her parents and even played racketball with her dad. Her sisters thought of me as their brother in law and all seemed great. My gf would constantly ask me when I was going to propose and would tell me I was the man of her dreams and she loved me with all her heart.

    I had been asked by her since three months into our relationship as to when I’d propose. I know she wanted me to right away. I was always honest and said I wanted to marry her but we would fight a lot. About manipulation and honesty issues mainly. Some stupid stuff as well.

    Anyways. The weekend before she broke up with me I went to Arkansas for my cousins wedding. While I was there my gf told me she could not sleep without me and didn’t feel safe without me. I had felt the same. It didn’t feel right not sleeping in the same bed as her. And I missed her so much even though I was only gone three days.

    When I got back from the trip I noticed she seemed distant. The day I got back she was short in her texts and didn’t want to talk in the phone. She got home at 11pm which was later than she had ever been before (she did have a night class for nursing prerequisites). After 10:30 I started to drive over to the school as I was worried when she never responded. At 11 she called and said everything was fine and she was driving home. I just knew in my gut that’s something was wrong. So I confronted her. And she denied anything. So I drove off for about 10 minutes to cool down. I then went back to our apartment to talk and she said she didn’t think we were right for each other.

    By the time we went to bed I thought things were better. I thought we had talked thru the fact that I was just worried and we even slept together that night. Even had unprotected sex.

    The next day she was even more distant. And i basically had to plead for her to stay the night. This happened to be my first day of my new job which added even more to the stress. On the third morning, I got out of the shower and my GF was being downright cold. So I asked her what was going on again. I said the only thing I could think of was there was someone else. And she started to cry and then ran out. I chased after her to the family room and asked what had happened. She said she had been flirting with a guy from school for a while and gave him her number in the Friday before my trip and that they had gone out and kissed on that Sunday at a local park.

    I told her I loved her and I still wanted to work things out and she responded saying he met her needs and she had feelings for him and he was new and exciting.

    I dropped to the floor and she left for work.

    A few days later she asked if she could keep the apartment and have me move my name off it and allow her to add on to the lease. I agreed as I didn’t want to l

    • Sorry about that. I accidentally sent the message too soon. I’m typing from a phone. Below is the rest

      I agreed as I didn’t want to stay in an apartment with all our memories. I then came back throughout the week to pick up my things and move into my parents. During this time I found she left her laptop and I looked at it. She had been emailing a friend and saying she didn’t want to fight for me even though I was forgiving and she had wanted to move on and this new guy, guy #2 as she called him, still wanted her and wanted to be in a relationship with her. She said she was unhappy in our relationship and if she hadn’t been she wouldn’t have cheated.

      This floored me. And I made a mistake of posting my feelings on Facebook. Later in the week my ex said she would have gotten back with me if I had not posted to Facebook and she felt like my friends and family would never accept her again.

      It has been a month now since the breakup and I’m still hurting. I was close to marrying this girl and she had told me I was her everything right up to during the time she cheated. We had so much history and I had thought we both wanted to protect each other and fend off our worries.

      I see many areas where I can grow. I let the romantic part to the relationship slip. I made a bad investment in a stock that had me down and depressed. I was in a bad job that luckily I got out of but I let it affect my mood and that wasn’t fair. I didn’t take her on enough dates. I didn’t kiss her enough. I didn’t do the dishes enough. Don’t get me wrong. There were many areas where I excelled and did an grated job too but I know there were many areas I didn’t do well in. I didn’t have high confidence in myself and I always talked down about myself. And I know I still have that issue or else I’d never of tried to win her back

      At this point in time I’m doing my best to stay busy and work on liking myself. I still miss her a ton and it hits me every once in a while realizing we aren’t together. I cope with this by thinking how the girl I loved was not my ex. My ex put on a show to try and force her feelings to be real while she looked for an escape.

      Last week was the last time we messaged and I sent a email apologizing for where I fell short. I had previously gone on about her lying and manipulating and cheating and felt this last email was appropriate considering I had been in love with her for so long.

      Let me know if you have any thoughts on my story. I have so many mixed feelings still. I appreciate your time.

      • Hey man,

        Thanks for sharing and sorry to hear what you’re going through.

        Let me get this straight.

        1. She told you she couldn’t sleep without you and didn’t feel safe without you. Then shortly after she went on a date with another guy and kissed him.

        2. When you came back she didn’t tell you.

        3. When you confronted her, she basically says she doesn’t want to be with you and wants to be with him.

        It’s pretty clear to me that you need to draw a line here (if you haven’t already). If you still pursue someone after they show you a lack of respect, like she has, you’re telling yourself you’re not worthy of respect. The damage that does is far greater (but less visible) than any heartbreak is.

        The whole Facebook message is a distraction. If a message on Facebook determines whether a relationship survives – that relationship wasn’t going to last to begin with.

        I think what she was really saying when she told you she couldn’t sleep without you and didn’t feel safe without you was that she is terrified of being alone and/or being abandoned.

        She sounds like the classic anxiously attached girlfriend. Frivolous arguments, scared of being alone, jumps ship when another guy shows interest.

        Listen man, this is super painful. Especially since you were willing to forgive her and she still rejected you. I’ve been there. You decide that your pain is secondary to the relationship and that you are willing endure this to make it work.

        The problem is that if you’re willing to sideline your own pain in this situation, you’re probably doing it in many other situations as well. You’re ignoring your own needs because you believe that’s what’s necessary to get you affection (hint: it’s not).

        I suspect your willingness to forgive her is not out of compassion but rather out of fear of losing her.

        The key question I’d be asking is why you didn’t pick up on any warning signs, why you felt drawn to an anxiously attached woman and why you’re willing to ignore your own needs just to get affection.

        You can view your pain as just a reminder that you don’t have the answers to those (and possibly more) questions yet.

  26. Road_kill says:

    Why did she stop loving me? We lived together for 2 blissful years, loved each other deeply, and were planning a wedding. Then she left me for another man. Broke my heart.

    My fiance (28) of 2 years left me (31) 4 weeks ago. We were the perfect match, deeply in love, we made each other laugh until it hurt, we wiped away each others tears when we were down or afraid. I cooked lunch for her, took it to her job, i was always there for her, always supportive and encouraging. We spent the best summer ever a few months ago. We lived together for 2 years, did everything together. I just came home from the shops, and almost broke down crying while approaching the door to what used to be OUR flat. She’s supposed to be inside, or helping me carry the groceries. I’m so lonely without her.

    So, about a month ago she told me that she thinks she doesn’t love me anymore, and that she wants a break. I asked her why, what’s wrong, and she said that she stated to develop feelings for a guy who flirts with her at work. I was crushed. I AM crushed! And also told me that my hands started bothering her – i was born with one finger on each hand, but i do everything, from driving, playing the piano, to rock climbing and all. That crushed me even deeper. She never minded during the first year and a half. She said she thinks it’s because this hunk of a model guy is so attractive, and that she started comparing me to him. Her narrow-minded parents are thrilled that she left me. They never liked me because of my hands. Kept asking her “what will your children look like”, and such shallow things. i was going to be the best dad ever, the most loving husband! I was really ready for that with her, and for her. We talked about kids, she and tears of joy when i proposed. We were planning next years vacation, new years celebration, and a lot more happy things to do together. I was never happier. Life was beautiful! My entire family loved her, and accepted her into the family. They are in shock now. I might not be the best looking guy, but I sure did love her more than I thought humanly possible, and I know she knew that! She just… Didn’t love me back. But stayed with me for 2 years, and seemed to be deeply in love, and accepted my proposal. It makes no sense!

    When we started dating she was broken hearted from her previous relationship, and shattered the way I am now. I took her under my wind, I nurtured her broken heart and lost self-confidence. I drove her to job interviews, and sat in the car waiting for her, supportive whether she got the job or not, i said “Good job honey! You can do it, I believe in you!”. And slowly but surely she started believing she can do it, and we get her her first real job. And I was so proud. I regularly told her how beautiful and sexy she was, even when she really hated the way she looked. Believe me, she is a really attractive woman! She didn’t see it, but I sure did, and let her know every day. And then, once again, she grew thanks to my support, and started dressing sexier and more daringly. And guys started hitting on her more and more, day in day out (at her stupid hillbilly bar where she works as a waitress). And she obviously felt she could do better than me. So, I built up her courage and self-confidence, she got a real job, she can make it on her own finally, and she sees her beauty and the good in her. And what do I get? Dumped and broken. :'( In worse shape than roadkill.

    In the end, she said she needs time alone. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship. She wants to find herself, love herself.

    What’s really killing me is that we were so perfect not even 5 weeks ago, and now we are broken up, me left on the floor, with a shattered heart, while she is out there partying 2,3 times a week, and she looks absolutely happy on social media. I cry every day, vomit, I’ve lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks. I can hardly get out of bed before late afternoon. My reason for all just changed her mind about loving me and our future, and left me!

    I am really close to suicide. I’ve been thinking about doing it this weekend. There’s just no reason for anything anymore.

    All i want is for her to come back, and see hour pure and deep my love is. I’ve had 5,6 serious relationships before, but never have i loved or wanted to marry anyone as much as this Angel of mine. I don’t see how she could break my heart so easily, and just leave, after i gave her everything. She’s ignoring me now, not writing, replying to only 2 message i sent her (i am trying to respect her need to be alone, away from me). She is acting as if i don’t exist, and i feel like that. i can’t live without her, I’ve tried. Every day is worse. On Sunday in going to sit in my car, attach a hose to the exhaust, and end this pain. It is too much!

    • Dude, I hope you did not hurt yourself!

      If you are still feeling suicidal, please, PLEASE call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

      Seriously, brother, it is not worth losing your life over this. You will recover in time. I know you loved this woman, but it sounds to me like she is probably very emotionally immature and needs to cultivate her character.

      I promise there is someone out there who is better for you.

    • Hey man,

      I know it feels like the worst possible feeling and like it’s never going to end, but nothing lasts forever. If you want to give up, tell yourself to hang in there for one more day, one more hour — whatever you can muster.

      I think you also may be wrong about who you think this girl is. If she’s such an angel, why did she choose looks over character? I think the answer may be because she’s not who you thought she was.

      Checking her social media isn’t going to help you my man. If there is strong mutual love between you two, a period of no contact won’t kill that, and it will help you get some perspective, get some relief.

      Choose yourself, go no contact, block her on social media, spend time with friends and family.

      Join our facebook group for additional support:

    • Reading this post I truly home that you found peace my friend. I am in a similar situation that I have lost the most amazing person I have ever met. She has decided to go back to her ex boyfriend and has left me like a piece of dirt. I gave her everything, more than everything, she had spent her entire life being beaten down by every man she has ever been with until she met me. I showed her what true love really is and treated her like the princess that she is and it was all for nothing. I’ve had those thoughts too, the thoughts of ending it because I don’t want to feel this pain and anguish of her in somebody else’s arms. But I can’t. Although I feel my life has been ripped apart and it is never going to be the same, I refuse to give up. I can’t allow my life to be less important than hers. She has done this, not me and also not you. You are a beautiful soul and one day, if they have. It already, somebody is going to see that and you will will find love again.

      Nobody can steal the love you are born to find.

      I truly hope you got through this my friend.


  27. Well I have an interesting story to tell you. My ex went out of state last year to see a guy friend that was “just a friend”. Long story short, he ended up being more than just a friend by the time the trip was up. She broke it off with me when she got home. She then continued for about 3 months to play girlfriend and even have sex with me until she goes back up to see him for a month. Mind you I had no idea about the relationship she started with him. Anyway, she comes back and tells me everything like how she’s been sleeping with him blah blah blah. But she wouldn’t let me go either. So flash forward a few months when I finally let her go she comes back telling me she left him. This is where it gets interesting.. she left him for someone else, then left that guy to be with her previous boyfriend (the guy she left me for), and then about 2 months later she left him to be with someone new. Point is, once they leave you for someone else they have shown their true colors and that they weren’t worth your time or love. I get that now. And your guide helped me cope with the breakup over the past year. Thank you for that.

    • Hey Austin,

      Thanks for sharing and I’m glad my guide helped you out.

      Not all women are like this man, this is pretty shitty behavior on her part. Sounds like every guy she gets with has to deal with another guy in the picture.

      How someone conducted themselves in past relationships is often a good indicator how they will conduct themselves in future relationships. Experiences like this teach us to look our for the red flags like these.

      Glad you’re doing better!

  28. I’m 17, and about a month ago my girlfriend got drunk with a friend, and cheated on me. 5 days later, she broke up with me. I asked if it was about him because I knew they had been getting closer. She told me no. Later that evening, after a solid day of crying, she phones me. She tells me about what she had done with this guy, and told me she wanted to kill herself. She has a history of cutting and had recently been getting better. She tried to kill herself out of guilt, telling me that she was a slut and wishes shed never done it, and she wished she hadnt ruined everything we had. I went round to her house, to find her crying on her bed. I had to tell her i forgave her. That i didnt mind and i know she wouldnt do it again and that she was drunk. Of course, none of this was true, i hated her for it, she was at that time the person that had made me the happiest id ever been in my life. And she took that away from me. I continued to tell her that it was okay, and i understood, because she was still having trouble mentally, even carving the word ‘whore’ into her side. But naturally, this began to eat away at me. about 4 weeks later, at a party, she came up to me drunk, told me that she has missed me every day since she broke up with me, and that she wanted to get back together. I said no, as i knew she was drunk, and i still hadnt gotten over her betrayal. But i couldnt help shake the feeling that she was not over me, and naturally, my mind jumped at the possible opportunity to get back with the girl i loved. It was only 3 days later, that i discovered she had started dating the very guy that shed cheated with. I know i cant be with her and i cant change what has happened. But how do i stop worrying about her? Every time shes felt down, this guy has run the other way, while i have to step in, to make sure shes ok, and to prevent her from coming to harm. So i cannot help but think that if i cut myself off from her, that she might do something rash, and he would be unable to help her. And i fear for the worst.

    • Hi Tom,

      Yuck, what a tough situation.

      If you give her attention every time she hurts herself or threatens to hurt herself, sadly, you’re reinforcing her behavioral pattern: I get attention when I hurt myself.

      If you want to stop worrying about her you need to recognize your part in this dance you’re both involved with and quit doing it. You’ve been broken up for more than a month, she has a new boyfriend, her wellbeing is no longer your responsibility.

      Responding to her in the way you do every time she’s hurting herself may not even be in her best interest.

  29. Santino Wimmer says:

    I had a gf of 2 months I mean im only 18 but i have a kid and feel like I’m 35 .enyways I loved this girl just like the other 2 girls I guess , I always get the shitty end of the stick , but like I said I loved this girl , we connected , she was the only one I wanted to ever talk to , she was my WORLD , we broke up because of my insecuritys, and the next day , I find she dating some one else , it kills me , and every night drink till I pass out, idk its been at least a month since we been broken up , and I know there are way worser situations than this one but god , idk im just drunk and really miss that girl , I love you e , thanks guys , goodnight .

    • Alcohol is just a way for us to suppress our pain. But if you find yourself drinking yourself to oblivion, it’s because you’re not finding a way to dissipate that pain. Are you seeking comfort from friends and family?

  30. Soul of Cinder says:

    i want to share my story to all of you. my ex girlfriend and i were exclusive for a year. we both work in the same hospital along with her new boyfriend. her new bf is a friend of mine a long time ago and started working only 6 months. they both work together in the same department while i work in a higher position than they.
    i was then asked to go to a training seminar for 5 days. in that five days, i always texted her and did not go out with the others due to me wanting to skype with her. she did not respond to me in texts and calls and skype. when i came back, everything changed. she did not want to go out more often and that she always had an excuse to cancel our plans. she did not even text me anymore or skype me when we got home. i can’t sleep and eat thinking of ways of what happened and how i could fix it. many days went by and i thought we were starting to come back to our old selves. our anniversary came and i greeted her and he greeted me, and i asked if could delay our celebration due to me being busy. she said it was okay. after only 3 days, she broke up with me. i felt numb and said that there is no point in talking. after, i heard from different departments that, the day she broke up with me, she went out with my friend, her co worker, and tht they had been holding hands. i did not believe it because i was blindly in love with her. i tried getting back together with her, but she said she did not love me anymore. many times i have thought about ending myself due to that pain. many times i have asked her why she was with that guy. her excuse was that he was only an emotional support to her. but i did not believe them. i caught them once in a store eating together. i was devastated. i returned all her things. and she returned what i gave her. her excuse for leaving me was that she felt unappreciated and that it was a long time coming. i told her that, i bought you things (not that i was asking for anything), gave her her freedom, small things and big things. even when i was working late at night. i would still wake up early for us to go out. i told her that it was my way of showing her i love her. then one day and i saw them both. they still denied. but i told her all of what i was feeling and that i wished i did not sacrifice everything for her. my friends, my time and effort. i know it was wrong but it still felt good. now im trying to piece myself back together and that i know ill be okay. whats funny is that, not that im bragging, but i am good looking, smart, and earns way way more than they would. and she left me for a guy who looks like an ape and has no degree. both f them can’t even pass the exams for CSC. they have now a bad rep in our hospital. it’s been a month now. and slowly i can feel i am moving on. for me, my ex who already has a kid, should have focused more on her child. but she still enjoys going out and hanging out and drinking. now reading this article, it made things a little easier and that i realized, i only miss having someone, not her specifically.

  31. Mohsin Choudrey says:

    damn this happened to me 4 months ago I always came to this page always so that I could feel better I dated my ex for almost 2 years we were like the best couple eventually fights started then one day she told me she became more than friends with another guy .It killed me I kept pleading to her to come back to me for a whole fuckin week but still she still decided to stay with him she started unappreciating me for all i had been doing for her and our relationship all those late night gifts love i gave her she disrespected me and i knew this guy she wanted to date, he wasnt a good guy well I decided to move on she said she wants to be my best friend but i refused and she pleaded i refused until i blocked her i knew what she was upto she kept me as a back up plan but i was too cleaver for that .For 2 months it was hard it was veery hard i couldnt eat i couldnt sleep till 3am though i was sleepy i did not want to wake up in morning i didnt want to change my clothes all i did was cried , life was so miserable and after 3 months my classmate was in touch with my ex and my ex asked her how am doing and if I still have feelings for her she told my friend to ask me if I still wanted her and my answer was NO then I knew I was won 🙂 i found out about the guy she dated and came to know they broke up I was soo happy thanks to this article to always give me hope and motivate me that I can move on Glad:)

  32. Tj Ulrich says:

    Ive known this girl for 7 years we have always been close and we have always had feelings for eachother, well i got sent to prison for figjting a guy thet is just truley not a good person so i get 18 months stay in touch with my girl and i get meet up hit it off right off the bat again and this time we decied to take the nxt step and be in a relationship. Started out great then 3momths in she changed she got distant moody n plain mean this escalated into her not coming home for 3 days straight i had no idea were she was or what she was doing all the while shes going around our small towm we reside in of 2000 ppl saying im some kind of controling physco etc well she finally comes home says she wamts to move out so i mobe her out and she tells me she ways to work things out and still be with me and of course things continue to get worse she literally contacted the guy thet got me sent to prison and is all talking about hangimg out and how they never been together etc messed up stuff right so here i am doing anything i can to win her over and the girl thet i never thought would do that totally betrayed me lol this guy lives a block away from me im pretty sure there sneaking around and doing everything they can to attemp to hurt me or get me to react and get me sent back. My question is how n the hell do i win this battle? Ive made an ass out of myself already for begging her to cpme back n drunk txt ect i havnt talked to her for two days now i doubt thats going to impact her or him i just need a sure fir way to come out on top smellin like a rose while they end up looking like the bad guys for once. Forgot to mention this guy tryed talking to her the same day we got togwther n off and on while we were together hes only out to get to me

    • How do you “win this battle”? You just need “a sure fire way to come out on top”?

      What battle? Come out on top according to whom?

      It’s only a battle because you’re framing it as a battle. There’s only a “coming out on top” because you’re framing it that way.

      This woman doesn’t want to be with you. That’s the only information you need. Focus on the next chapter in your life which does not include her or this other guy. If there’s a battle to be fought, let them fight it. There’s nothing for you to win here. You can only lose.

  33. 657rod says:

    Hello, uh I’ve read the article and well, something similar happened to me, so well I’ve been or well I dated my dunno if I should call her girlfriend anymore, for about two years, she was really nice and well, she was pretty much perfect for me, well we had our problems like any other couple, but we’d always be fine, she’d rearely gst angry or anything, I was truly happy but.. some months ago since December (one week after christmas to be exact) she said her feelings had changed and that she didn’t want to be with me anymore cause it wasn’t fair for me and she felt she was using me, ok I well tried to fix things, maybe that was a mistake, I talked to her and well despite me being sad I tried my best, we tried once again but she would get this weird rage fits over little stuff, like if I didn’t understand something or asked anything she’d say I was an idiot or would get angry over silly stuff, she wouldn’t talk much ti me at all, then around Valentine’s day she told me she was feeling bad cause she liked someone else and she was feeling guilty, but she told me.not to worry, and well she said she just thought the guy was nice and cute that they were friends and thar he likes someone else, but… well I just ler it at that, I of course felt jealius but if I dwelled too mucj into it I would just overthink stufd I thought, but she kept growing distant and even if she was the one thar didnt want to talk to me she would say I was drifting away, so this past week she got angry at me saying she can’t tand being with me and that she needs time to think, so she stopped talling to me at all, yesterday she talked to me saying I only cared about myself and that she has been having a hard time cause she is losing interest in stuff she does (violin and video games), and that she felt confused about that guy and me, she said she thought he was really curte and wanted to try and date him, of course I was against it… well she just got pissed off, she then said sorry after a while and said that she needed time, that I should give her a long time to think abiut us, and I asked if that didnt relate to that guy, that is she wanted the way clear and that was why she was dumping me, and she answered me back asking if I’d rather be cheated on, of course I got sad, yesterday I also well saw an accident and a guy died I was kinda shocked and well that didnt help, the year has been really hard on me, I found out wel that my father cheated on my mother with well… more than one person, and well college has been really hard too, it will also be ten years since well my grandparents passed away so I havent been feeling really well, and to top my mither is getting a surgery due to health stuff too… and I just feel so lonely, and well thus doesnr help, I tried to convibce her to calm down and think straight but she sats she is set on going for that dirt bag friend of hers and well I just don’t know what the hell to do anymore.. I love her but, she pretfy much wants me to wait ti ve a second option to her if her relationship with that douche wont go well and ugh I feel like dunno an old toy a kid doesn’t want to pkay with anymoere, like, she started this one week after getting her gift from me, I would even helo her study and with homework, I’d stay until really late when she wasnt feeling well eveb if I had classes early, she just doesbt seem to value anything at all and keeps insisting on going on with what she thinks is right and I just don’t know…

    • If she wants to pursue this other guy, that means she doesn’t want to be with you and doesn’t value the relationship you had with her. After all she’s happy to risk the relationship to have a chance with this other guy.

      You can’t choose whether or not you’re still in love with her, but you can choose how you behave. If you choose to pursue after this, what you’re telling yourself is: She doesn’t value you at all, and that’s okay. You’re undermining your own self-worth.

      If someone doesn’t want to be with you, that should be a line that cuts through everything. All your emotions, all your love – everything. Pick someone that wants you. Always. If you don’t, you’re undermining your own self-worth.

  34. izmil zaini says:

    I was dumped in late April 2015, about 3 months before my father passed away. The feeling was terrible. I was suffocating. It was made worst as at the time she did that I was looking after my dying father due to cancer.

    She told me she wanted to be happy. Just like my mother did to me n my father. And recently I saw her photo that she got engaged few days ago… it hurts … it hurts so much…

    Bottom line is, what you mentioned above were spot on. But 2 years I’ve been suffering and it hurts my confidence real bad… but surely I’ll try to get back on my feet …


  35. izmil zaini says:

    I was dumped in late April 2015, about 3 months before my father passed away. The feeling was terrible. I was suffocating. It was made worst as at the time she did that I was looking after my dying father due to cancer.

    She told me she wanted to be happy. Just like my mother did to me n my father. And recently I saw her photo that she got engaged few days ago… it hurts … it hurts so much…

    Bottom line is, what you mentioned above were spot on. But 2 years I’ve been suffering and it hurts my confidence real bad… but surely I’ll try to get back on my feet …
    I was dumped in late April 2015, about 3 months before my father passed away. The feeling was terrible. I was suffocating. It was made worst as at the time she did that I was looking after my dying father due to cancer.

    She told me she wanted to be happy. Just like my mother did to me n my father. And recently I saw her photo that she got engaged few days ago… it hurts … it hurts so much…

    Bottom line is, what you’ve mentioned above were spot on. 2 years I’ve been suffering and it hurts my confidence real bad… but surely I’ll try to get back on my feet …


  36. Steven Echeverria says:

    I have gone through the same thing as everyone here in the comment section but honestly I could not blame her our last year we spent it apart I had moved to another country for work. And in that time saw each other only 15 days it was hard on both and honestly I was not very understanding with her. When we broke up she moved on to a new relationship and a serious one at that after a week, I was obviously shocked I thought she would work on herself like she said. Honestly we still talk now and then and I’m still away and might still be for the next 2 or 3 years. But honestly man I can forgive it our break up was expected I gave her 0 reasons to wait for me. But now that she has someone else what is my likelihood of getting back together do you guys think?

    • Impossible to say Steven. But remember, when we break up (and especially when they move on), our feelings are amplified. So you may just be experiencing what is called the “Romeo-and-Juliet effect”.

  37. I am exactly in the same boat like you guys, she dumped me for another bloke, before breaking pub with me, she decided everything and was with him for 4 weeks telling me all bullshit… but the thing is, she doesn’t want me to let go, as she knows, she will never find a guy like me, so all she says is let’s stay friends and be in contact for now, but one day, when I am tired with new guy and relationship, let us start everything new … I really don’t want her back .. I hope they are together forever and not causing problems to me, I cannot stop talking to her , because maybe I am addicted to her , or I wanna get back her to teach a lesson or give it one more try, I do not know, I am fucking screwed … I really don’t understand, if she is with him , then why should she keep contact with me… I hate this bitch!!!

  38. Siddharth Malik says:

    iam in love with a girl madly , she loves me to but her family and she also belives in a rlegious thing type of astronomy like some type of soul enters her mothers body every saturday and they ask questions to that soul , that soul said i love the girl but she won’t be compatible with my family so ,now she is getting married to another guy its a arranged marriege , what should i do?

  39. This article really helped me realize I’m not alone. After a 3 year relationship where my girlfriend and I decided to move in together fights started popping up. Always because of her new work friends and how I never seemed to be invited. Before long she became best friends with a girl at her work and I wasn’t a big fan of her so that didn’t help things. As time went on the more she seen them the worse things felt thus the worse we would argue. Well one day I decided to tell her how I felt we fought. She told me she was going to go stay with her parents for a while. Turns out that was a lie and the next day she hooked up with a guy from her work and dumped me via text. Only to come home treating me completely different with a marked up neck.

    It hurts like a bitch and it’s killing me to get over this especially since I haven’t moved out yet but just seeing my thoughts in someone else’s words really helped me out. I know I’ll be fine. It just hasn’t happened yet.

  40. Shaun Burdick says:

    I am going through the worst patch ever and I just can’t deal with things at the moment
    I have just recently come out a 3 years relationship with my ex girlfriend and she has found another bloke straight away
    she was my fist love and we have a 20 month baby boy together
    she only lives about a mile away
    We have been separated for about 3 weeks now
    But my feelings for her are so strong that I would do anything to get her back
    but I know to much has gone on.
    I feel alone and not wanted and can’t stop thinking about her at all
    She still says she loves me but it hurts me to say that
    I have to see her now and again because of my boy but it’s going to hurt me knowing somebody else is giving her the love I did
    My family have been so supportive but it just goes over my head because I love the woman to my child so bloody much

  41. Troy Emmons says:

    My girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me and left me for another guy. Im 18 almost 19 and she is 17 and her reason for leaving me was that we were so young we had our whole lives to be with people. But I dont believe that reason because the day after she broke up with me she had another guy already coming over to her house and watching movies together. Come to find out they were talking for two weeks before she broke up with me and I guess he must have been making her feel more happy then I was. I made mistakes during the relationship everyone does but the feeling of being left for another guy really is the worse thing that can ever happen to you. I feel as though I was more mature then her since she wants to date other guys when all I wanted in life was her. I feel so hopeless but I know it will take time to come back from this. But I fear this will scare me for the rest of my life. I dont want trust issues with any future girlfriends that i will hopefully have. Its saddening to see them so happy with each other when i was just cast aside like dirt. Can anyone give me advice that isnt there are more fish in the sea or you just need time. I need real a advice to help me get through this meaningful relationship.

    • Same thing happened to me after three years. Just remember the girl of your dreams that you thought you had never really existed and she only seemed that way because you saw her that way. That’s what I keep telling myself.

  42. Danjeezy Darneal says:

    Hello Jesse.. My name is Daniel.
    My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for the past 3years going to the 4th year and just when I was about ready to go do the traditional wedding she just dumped me. But my problem is she still calls me even when she is with the boy, at times she has told me several times that she doesn’t want me again, but anytime I try putting a picture of a lady and I on WhatsApp when she sees it she gets mad and starts calling my number,saying if that’s the one now. I have asked her severally what she wants she keeps saying am the one she loves but she keeps going to see the boy and she is no more coming to see me again.. I have tried to tell her that we need to talk but she is never having my time. All this baffles me and I need to move on, the funny aspect is that this same guy has 2kids from 2 different girls and yet this my girlfriend still follows him

  43. Vishnu Sai says:

    Hello Guys,
    I am from India,I am going through a trauma , i dont know what to do or what to not . My GF left me and we had 6 years of relationship, i have so much of trust on her, she left me for other guy , Everyday i am crying , depressed and completely become mad now , even though i know that she will not pick my phone , i am keep calling her because i cannot live without listening the voice of her , day by day i am becoming so dull mentally,physically. I am completely lost . I dont know what to do ?…i saw ur blogs and comment ..if anyone can help me

  44. I dated this girl for almost 4 years. But it was long distance. She was so perfect, like I never met any girl that kept me interested and was as beautiful as her. I met her online and we started talking on a everyday basis, and I really digged her so I asked her out. We dated for 3 years. I was so in love with her, and she was in love with me too. I swear just recieving her good morning texts was my favorite thing to wake up to, and having her tell me that I was the only person she wanted to talk to until she fell asleep. Facetime calls, Texting all day, sending snaps on snapchat and pictures, we did that all. We made plans that once she graduated school, she would move down here with me, and we would attend the same college because we were interested in the same things, and what she wanted to study was very simliar to what I wanted. We made plans that someday, we’d live in a loft apartment with 2 puppies like she wanted, and she would always tell me that she wanted me to be her first, and take her virginity. Then when I started making plans to come see/meet her for the first time, she was so excited, but then a week later told me she lost interest and wanted to “focus on herself”. That hurt my soul. I was so confused and she was giving me no answers. But let me tell you guys, when a woman breaks up with you and says “I just want to focus on myself” thats a lie because she’s clearly found someone else and wants to focus on them now. Anyways she told me there was no one else, she didn’t plan moving on and still cared for me but didn’t want to meet me anymore. I felt like Someone stabbed me in the heart. Then later I found out she had someone else. My heart was torn to pieces. Knowing I’ll never get to meet her, touch her or kiss her. And knowing I’ll never get to be her first and that another guy has all her love and attention now. Truely a heartbreaker. Now she ignores me and blocked me on everything so I’m depressed at this point.

    • It sucks even more when we used to always promise each other, we’d never give someone the chance to take us away from each other and she would tell me all the time, she was afraid that I’d leave her someday for someone else, when she ended up doing just that. What sucks even more is that majority of you had the chance to be with in person and touch the person you onced loved. I never had the chance to do any of that. I really do love her and wish everyday that I could get another chance and she’d let me come see her. Hard trying to let go of someone you are really in love with and had everything planned out with.

  45. Hello Guys,

    My story is complex and long. It is full of manipulation and foolish moves on my part, but what he think is love, especially first love, can turn a man into a fool. If you have the patience, read on…

    A few years before I met her, I had been living in a major US city in the North, surrounded by good friends and lots of things to do. I was working as a research technician at the time, and I almost instantly formed many bonds both inside and outside of my department. On any given night, a beer with friends, a bite at a restaurant, or watching a game was only a phone call away. Plus, I was very into road cycling, and there were several other guys in my department who were always down for a ride. I had never been very confident around women, but I had a sort of quirky outgoing way with people and a good sense of humor, which helped me make many friends, though no girlfriends.

    It had been a lifelong goal of mine to pursue a doctorate, and after four years as a research technician, I applied to PhD programs. I was accepted to several programs, and I narrowed it down to two; one which was less famous, but where I knew I would be happy, and one which was very famous, but was in an area that simply did not appeal to me. I would like to say that I have lived my life without regrets, but I settled on fame over happiness, and soon found myself living in an area that I simply hate! Moreover, I never clicked with the people in my new program, as they have very different interests from mine, and I soon found myself feeling very isolated and depressed. The outgoing and quirky me seemed to fade away, leaving only a shell of my former self behind. After a year of this, I finally made a single friendship in Stevo. He had moved here with his wife from New Zealand to pursue post-doctoral studies, and we quickly hit it off. They introduced me to a woman whom I shall simply call “M”. “M” was a British expat who had recently moved to the area for her job at an investment bank. She was beautiful, witty, and had a British accent that could melt your heart. We soon started seeing each other, but the relationship was complex from the very beginning.

    “M” had a troubled past. She had grown up in London, but her family were imagrants from a Muslim country, and held strong beliefs and traditional values, which as an agnostic, she simply did not share. Furthrmore, a few years before expatriating, she had left a mairrage with a basket case of a man who had been both physically and emotionally abusive to the extreme. She was so afraid of this man, that when he had begun to berate her family, going so far as to beat her father who had cancer and was on chemo at the time, she stood by him for fear of the consequences of crossing him. Her family disowned her for this, but had re-established contact after her divorce. Since her adolescence, “M” had never believed in her parents religion, and had lived a double life. This only intensified after her move to the US. You see guys, “M” was a chameleon. To her parents, she was the good Muslim girl who prayed five times a day and fasted during Ramadan. However, in reality “M” drank, dated white guys, and did countless other things that were far from inline with the Muslim faith. This was the “M” that I fell in love with.

    I was very hesitant to start dating “M”, and rightly so. However, many of these complexities would not surface for months into the relationship. Furthermore, it would take me years to truly appreciate the extent of her “anxiously attached” pattern with men. The relationship was very happy for the first year, we had a great deal in common, and fell madly in love. She was my best friend, and given my lonely and, frankly, needy state, she seemed like the answer. I moved in, and we would date for three years and live together for two before things fell apart. However, from the time that I moved in to the bitter end, there were red flags and compromises all along the way.

    The first red flag was the fact that she was keeping me a secret from her parents. When they called, I would have to be silent. She always promised that she would tell them about me when the time came, but as the years went by, this seemed more and more like some fairytale. She would always tell me that we were already living like married people, and we would cross that hurdle when the time came. Sometimes, I would protest. However, this would throw her into a fit, and she would accuse me of not believing that she loved me.

    The second red flag was when she asked me to convert for her, explaining that she already knew the pain of being disowned, and her family would never speak to her again if she married a non-Muslim. She explained that I could be like her, not really believing or living like a Muslim, but putting on a show like many “Catholics”. I would like to say that I refused and stood by my principles, but I was whipped and so desperately clinging to this relationship that I would do anything not to loose it; anything not to feel lonely again. I thought that this act would finally push things along, but it did not. We flew to London together, and I was supposed to meet her family. However, not only did I not meet them, she waited until my last day there to even tell them about me, never mentioning to them that I was in the city. From then, things never moved ahead. Each time that I brought it up, she would tell me that arguing with them would have to wait until her next visit. Each time she visited, the argument would be about the fact that she wanted to marry someone of her choosing, but not about the guy that she had lined up.

    The next set of red flags would vividly establish her “anxiously attached” pattern with men. When she had gotten divorced, she had already lined up the next guy. Having been disowned and having no one to keep her from doing otherwise, she ran away with him. However, he was a real scumbag, and used her for sex before swiftly exiting the scene. I was willing to excuse this at the time; she was alone, just out of a hellish mairrage, and vulnerable. However, I was not willing to forgive her for the way that she lied to me about Graham. “M” had met Graham on the plane ride to the US. When she told me about him early on, she presented it as just a few innocent dates that had fizzled out. Not only that, these were the most casual of casual dates. She told me that she had not even liked him. However, about a year into the relationship, I asked her some probing questions. What I found out, is that they had dated for months. Despite what she had told me, she had really liked him and wanted it to be more serious, but in the end, he had just been using her. Moreover, they had been sleeping together just weeks before we started seeing each other, and she was still trying to contact him when we had first started dating. I felt betrayed, and briefly left her. However, this relationship had become my identity, and after she called me again-and-again, and after one tear filled meeting, I took her back. Things would never be the same after that deceit, and I would never see her in the same light. Still, I stuck around.

    There were many other manipulation along the way, and yet still, I would just take them all. Soon, I found myself doing nearly all of the dishes, most of the cooking, most of the cleaning, dropping my plans for her, etc. I had once been exceptionally fit, able to ride over one hundred miles in a day, but partly due to exhaustion, partly due to depression, I gained forty pounds. I was never able to explore my own interests, always having to cater to her needs. I never asked myself whether I was happy, instead focusing all of my energy on her happiness. Then, she lost attraction.

    I am convinced that my attending to her every need and bending to her every whim made her loose attraction for me. She was staying with me only until she could find someone new. Then, the new guy came along. She would not tell me about him until it was far too late, but she left me for him. After she had asked me to move out, she started playing mind games. I would never call her, but she would call me several times a week, sometimes sobbing about having dumped me. Then, she insisted that I come by one day to pick up a few things that I had left behind. They were the most absurd things to pick up: a few old magazines, a forgotten rain poncho that had cost all of $5 at CVS, a pair of contacts, and two crumpled band aids. She was cooking for someone, and was acting strangely aloof, but clearly wanting me to ask about it. It all seemed a sort of act. She reminded me three times that she was cooking on a schedule, and seemed to want me to ask questions. I didn’t take the bait. Two days later, she called me. She sobbed for ten minutes about the breakup, saying that she had “done bad things”. Then, she told me that I should start seeing other people, because she had a new boyfriend. I told her that I thought that that was “fucked up”, seeing as how she had only been out of a three year long relationship for a month and a half. It turns out, while she had not slept with him while we were together, she had been part timing with this guy from work. Just like the guy after her divorce and me after Graham, she had this guy lined up before she split with me. I cut contact then. We have not exchanged so much as a text since. One of her friends confronted her about the new guy. She wouldn’t say a thing.

    I was doing so well with this breakup. I was back on my bike and working out, loosing weight, eating right, trying new things. However, since then, it’s like I’ve fallen apart. I don’t sleep much. I feel betrayed. I find myself waking up to the most perverse thoughts, knowing that she’s defiling the bed that we shared for years with him. I feel angry!

    As much as I can see that this girl was toxic, as much as I can see how she manipulated and used me, how I bent to her every whim, I also find myself thinking of the good times. It wasn’t all bad. Things trigger memories… We traveled a lot together, and seeing a picture of somewhere that we went sends memories playing through my head like a movie. There are also all of the places here that remind me of her. Again, I hate this place, and nearly all of my good memories here involve her. I have one more year before I finish my program and can move on.

    More concerning, there are the self destructive aspects. I started cycling a decade ago to force myself to quit smoking. After the breakup, I was working out and on the bike to make sure I didn’t start again. However, since that phone call, it’s been a couple of cigarettes every day. I know it’s terrible for me, but I feel like my life is in shambles, and I just can’t seem to pull myself out of the mess. I want to get back on the bike, never smoke again, but try as I might, I’m an anxious mess and just can’t motivate myself.

    I like to think that I’ve learned a lot from this experience. I like to think that I’ll be better at spotting red flags, avoiding manipulation, and watching out for my own best interests in the future. Still breakups suck, especially when you’ve been left for some new guy. I also feel like shit about the smokes, how I compromised myself, how I let myself be manipulated and altogether whimper out instead of standing my ground. Also, who calls up their ex after a month and a half, sobs about breaking up with him, and then rubs it in his face that she’s already moved on? Toxic!

  46. Thank you for this. This is exactly what I’m going through right now. It was extremely relieving to read that others have gone through the same thing.

  47. Hi Jesse thanks for this Article it’s really helped me come terms with the shitfest that was and still is the breakup.

    I was in a relationship with her for several years and after two years I got engaged to her. I was truly devoted her, I defended her when people hurt her, I bought her things to show how much I cared. She gave me the strength after my mother had a stroke to not breakdown. I was sure that she loved me but at the beginning of this year she broke up with me (the worst part she told me over facebook rather than face to face) and given everything I went through I just crumbled. I had a nervous breakdown right in front of my parents I’ve been diagnosed with Clinical Depression and just two weeks after we broke up a friend told me she found someone else. It was like a thousand daggers into my heart. I felt everything and nothing. I wanted to die, I wanted it to stop, I wanted to find the arsehole that took everything from me and hurt him. But my friends are the best, they made me realise that I was better off without her, that she never truly loved me, that I was just some crutch. It’s been a long road but I finally feel like I’ve turned a corner.

  48. This happen to me as well like in 01-10-11. I remember like it was yesterday we were in a relationship more then one year. Then all of sudden She text somebody and the person call her and she say ” I love you babe muah bye” in front of my face with an smiling face blushing at me and dump me…. But I move on….

  49. I’m almost 16. My now ex for 3 days text me one day in December and over 2 months of talking we got attached and fell in love. She is my first love. I had never felt anything like it I was so high on her love and I went to bed every night feeling on top of the world. We had talked about a future together and just everything and the thought of our relationship ending seemed so impossible I laughed at the thought. It was just me and her. Us. I never mentioned another girl. She never mentioned another guy. We only had each other on our minds. 4 months later something just died. She started sending me photos of other guys and saying “he’s so pretty” “orgasm” and she started talking to a few of these other guys with “omg he said this he’s so cute” . She did ask me if I minded and I said no because honestly I didn’t, she said it was just she liked the attention but I was the only one she loved. As time progressed she started to ignore me to talk to some of these guys and if the guy didn’t reply for a while she would complain to me, which started to make me jealous. I didn’t feel like the one she liked most anymore. Then came the “his d looked big in his bulge” “I would fuck him js”. I just felt like shit so I told her to stop saying the shit to me and she said “okay I appreciate that, thanks.” I was literally becoming a faded memory. It was always us, we were always going to get married, have sex, do everything. She started. She became obsessed with an actor from the show “orphan black” called dylan Bruce and she started saying “can he just fuck and marry me pls” “I bet his d is big :(“. She saw nothing else but other guys. Idek. I just laughed it off over text while I was in agony behind the screen. What I find horrible is she was so clueless. Unaware that I, her boyfriend, was listening to her spread her legs for other guys. I should have just ended it there and at least she would be the dumped one. Then she went off on holiday and started meeting other guys and adding them in Instagram. She would stalk them and like old photos behind my back and I would notice she did, and she commented on some with heart eyes and all these compliments which she had never given to me (btw she said ‘wow hot abs’ and I have abs and she seemed to forget me completely). At this point I as still her boyfriend, yet she had 0 faith for me. The next day she sent me a text saying “I’m so sorry this is so hard for me but I think it’s better if we break things off. I’m just not ready.. .I still want to be friends” I just agreed bc I thought not being with her would make the pain go away. I felt weird for the rest of that day and then the next day she had uploaded a photo, a guy had commented ‘beautfiul’ and she commented ly<3 and he replied ly2 <3, and in the photo she was smiling like nothing had ever happened and so was her friend. It made me feel like she had been talking to this guy for ages and loved him more and just been waiting to get rid of me. How she could say she loved the boy a day after our impossible break up just made me feel robbed, betrayed. I just can't cope. Then she snapped me talking about a hot boy she saw on the beach saying "I want him" "he's so beautiful I actually can't" "he came close to me and I orgasmed" "I want to kiss him in the sea". She had left me for other boys even when she said "this isn't to go after other boys don't worry". Now she is full of smiley faces, cry laugh faces, heart eyes and jokes on the internet, commenting on other boys photos and flirting. Just today she and her friend talked about the guy on the beach and how she wants to kiss him in the comments on her photo. She had gotten over me and forgotten me so fast and it's like she said to her friend after we broke up "I broke up with Conor lol" and moved on. She said she loved me more. The truth is idek if she loved me at all.

    If you read this thank you for bothering, love is complicated and after effects hurt so bad. Idk about life anymore I just feel left behind while she will go a fuck other guys

  50. mjphoto45 says:

    Great site! I had to kick out my ex girlfriend after living with her for a year. I should have known from the start that she may be trouble. Three boys with three different fathers was the first clue. She also just got her 2nd DUI at 45 years of age. Her first DUi was when she was 18. She also got dumped by a guy over 2 years ago in which she drank to .499 and was in intensive care and racked up a $100,000 hospital bill. She filed for bancruptcy after that. I also might add that she hasnt worked in 5 years nor will she ever apply for any job. I also might add for 46 years of age, she may be the hottest gal in the state. Guys and girls hit on her ALL the time! After awhile, I got used to that and since we lived together the past 9 months I knew she would always be with me at home if we werent out. She has no car, no health insurance, no car insurance (SR22) and is on food stamps. She always states She Loves Me etc…well she should because I pay for everything! She drinks a bottle of wine every day. I cut her back to 1 bottle every other day and she held that against me. On St Pats Day was the final nail in the coffin. She didnt come home after I got off work and I knew she was drinking all day. She came home 2 hours after I got home because I called her cell phone. I knew she was blasted. She fell on the way home and broke half of her front tooth off which I had to pay for. She also threw her phone at me the next day and I had to buy another one. She would stay in bed for days at a time and never get out of bed. She never eats and has high blood pressure which she cant even afford the meds. This gal, as hot as she was, was driving me crazy. She also would get drunk and call me all sorts of nasty names. After months of abuse and trying to get her family or friends to take her in, i asked her to leave for the third time. Sex always got her back to me the first 2 times. No one wanted to take her in. Finally I introduced her to a sucker guy who fell for the bait. Now this guy is paying for everything. It was hard to let her go because when she was sober we got along wonderfully. Do I miss the good cooking, cleaning and fantastic sex? YES…But when it came down to it I was going broke and getting abused. I had to call the police on her because she wouldnt stop banging on my door. She screwed me every Sunday while her new guy friend was volunteering at our zoo. If he knew she was having lunch with me every day and screwing me on Sundays he wouldnt have let her stay. I knew I had to call it off because she would move back in if the new guy found out. I finally cut the cord for good and couldnt be happier. My bills are getting paid and I am meeting new gals. Will I find another gal as Hot as she is…Probably not but at least I have cash in my wallet and no more abuse by her. I can do what I want when I want. She will continue to sleep with guys that pay for her rent. It is sad but what can a guy do.

  51. Helped a lot to recover from the pain she gave.. a relationship of six and half years and she says she was never happy with me.. jus coz she met another guy at a party to whom she got attracted to.. what the hell.. we are just toys..

  52. Rearofthedecade says:

    This all just happened to me and I found this article really helpful. I was with my girl for 2 1/2 years. 2 weeks ago she messaged me to say ‘everything has changed, I have a boyfriend’. This new boyfriend is about 10 years older than her. Personally I would also say I am better looking but that is all subjective I guess. I am gutted but you are so right that you have to completely let go. As soon as I told myself that she isn’t coming back and this is the end, though hard to make yourself contemplate it became almost an instant relief. I now know that I can’t be disappointing because I am not expecting anything to happen. I still have moments of despair, moments when tears roll down my face, moments of regret. But they are getting shorter and less frequent. I even decided to meet a new girl by the end of the week. The future looks brighter. We haven’t spoken since this moment. I don’t know how I will react if she does try to reach me or if I will relapse into these bad feelings again. But for the moment I am happy most of the time. What happens in the future is not ours to know but we can chose the type of person we are which makes us stronger to face these challenges. Really good article, thanks 🙂

  53. Scooter Livingston says:

    I met Pam on October 12, 1984. We were both students at Bridgewater State College. I was in my final semester and she was a transfer from Mt. Ida College (a then-two year women’s college; now a four year coed school). I was working at the school radio station that night doing production work; it was Homecoming weekend and the station was going to carry the football game. I was the producer of the games and I was busy putting together the PSAs that the NCAA sent us. I took a break and went downstairs to the back door of the school theater where the only working Coke machine in the building was. Drama club was taking a break from their rehearsals. A few of my friends were in the club and I was shooting the breeze with them. I mentioned that if I didn’t have to produce the game broadcast the next day I would’ve gone home for the weekend. A voice piped up. “You’re from Newton (my hometown)? I went to Mt. Ida (Mt. Ida was in my home town)!” We started talking and in the short time we chatted she found out I was single (my ex-fiancee and I had split in mid-August). I had to get back up to the station to finish my work and she had to get back to rehearsal.

    Next morning, as I was heading to the station to prepare for the broadcast, Pam ran up to me and asked me if I wanted to meet after the game for something to eat. I told her I would and I went up to engineer the game. I was a bit surprised that she had asked me out.

    The game was in the 4th quarter when Pam surprised me again by coming up to meet me. She had left the game early and as soon as the game ended, we were out to eat.

    We went to this pizza place off-campus, got a booth and while were eating, she all of a sudden took my hand and said “I think I love you.” Keep in mind. This is our first date. I had been split from the ex-fiancee for exactly two months. The date was October 13, 1984. October 13, 1985 was to be my wedding day to the ex-fiancee. I was vulnerable. At that moment, I fell into Pam’s trap.

    We were inseparable from that point. I was in love with her and she was in love with me. When I did my radio show, she’d be hanging with me. She unofficially became a part of the station’s staff.

    I was graduating in December and in March, my mother was moving to Ft. Lauderdale and I had to help her move. I spent as much time as possible with Pam until March. She didn’t want to be that physical in the relationship; she said she wanted to wait until marriage and I respected that.

    There was a guy who worked at the radio station. Kid was a freshman, name was Tony and he was planning to go into the priesthood after he graduated. He became friendly with us. He hung with me and Pam.

    I got my mother moved down and I did job hunt down there. The plan was that if I got a job in Ft. Lauderdale, Pam would transfer to a school down there. We were in contact almost every day, be it via phone or mail. I missed her terribly and she felt the same. In May, I went back to Massachusetts to officially graduate.

    I moved back into the rooming house I lived in while still a student. Pam was already home for the summer but she lived 20 minutes away and I was with her whenever possible. I was on the job hunt, sending out resumes, getting some interviews but getting nowhere. Pam insisted that I keep my hair trimmed short and that I not have a beard (I kept the mustache…that was NOT going to go). She also insisted that I not wear my earring when we went out. “Let me be the one with an earring in the relationship” was her “justification”. When we went out, even if it was to McDonalds, she wanted me to wear a shirt that buttoned. I went along with it. When we went out, it was always her Wham! tape in the tape deck. Nothing that I liked on the radio…always her Wham! tape. Again, because I loved her, I went along with it. Her older brother had a dislike of me and wasn’t afraid to show it. Supposedly he said that if I ever hurt Pam or proposed marriage to her that he would come after me. You can imagine how I felt when she told me that.

    Labor Day came and she was about to start school. My room was literally around the corner from her and I was helping her move in. She had new roommates that fall and we all drank after parents left. She was clinging on to me as we watched some TV. That week she was busy getting her classes in order. Things seemed normal.

    The following Sunday we were supposed to go out that day but something came up (or so she said) and I then went by myself to get my mandatory haircut (per her orders)

    Monday, September 9, 1985. Pam wanted to go to the pizza place where we had our first date the previous October. Same booth as well. She wasn’t hungry, though.

    After being with me for almost a year, she decided she did not want to be with a Jew anymore. Her exact words that night were: “I’d rather be with a nice Catholic boy.” The instant she uttered those words, it was as if she had taken a rifle, stuck it in my gut and fired. It was if she had to dehumanize me in her mind in order to dump me. I was no longer Scott The Boyfriend. I was now Scott The Jew. In all the time we were together, I don’t recall her ever going to church once. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that she already had her nice Catholic boy…Tony.

    She left the pizza place and I just sat there in shock. Five minutes later I left the pizza place and went back to my room, stopping at the liquor store for a bottle of Jack Daniels and a couple of bottle of Coca-Cola and yes, I did drink that night. That night was the last night I ever saw her in person. The next day and a half were absolute Hell for me.

    Two days later (Wednesday) I tried to see her at her place. Her new roommates told me she was not there and that she was Tony’s girl and that I should just basically fuck off and die. I did get angry and I did punch a dent in her door; that I will admit to. I then left her place, went back to the rooming house and packed up my car that night. I left Bridgewater Thursday morning at 5 am.

    That night I stopped in Skippers, VA; a small town on the VA/NC border. I had been driving on caffeine, adrenalin and cigarettes; it was a 14-15 hour drive I had taken. Next day was another 14-15 hour drive and I got into Lauderdale at about 10 that night. I just went into a spare room at my mom’s place and just collapsed. I just drank steadily for a few days. I did go out to get cigarettes and the like, but I was not exactly in a communicative mood.

    A little over a month later, October 19, 1985, Pam did her greatest damage to me. While I was out getting some smokes at the nearby 7-11, my mom called Pam and tried to get us back together. I did NOT ask her to do that, but I had your typical Jewish mother who didn’t like seeing her child hurt.

    I had walked back into the condo and my mother shoves the phone at me…I had no idea she had called Pam. I started crying and Pam started laughing. That was it. At that moment I blacked out internally. Her laughing…that’s the last thing I remembered for about 9 months. I totally shut down mentally inside. Outside, I looked OK, but I was dead inside. I stayed inside the condo…stayed in my room, literally living on the floor, either sitting or sleeping on it. The only time I would go out was at night to go to 7-11 to get cigarettes. I spoke to nobody; I was inside a “shell” of sorts. I was a zombie for all intents and purposes. I functioned on autopilot…doing things but with no memory of doing them. During the day, I’d just sit on the floor in my room and stare at the walls…watch TV but not see it. I barely remember the Challenger disaster, but I did wish I had been on it. I was basically a zombie at that point.

    In late Spring ’86 or so, I came out of it slowly. One day shortly after I fully came out of it, I looked in the mirror. My hair had grown back to the point where it was at my shoulders and my beard was thick and long as well. It was at that moment I swore my hair was never going to be cut again. It hasn’t. The haircut that I got the day before IT happened has been the last haircut I have ever gotten. Looking in the mirror at that moment, seeing that I now looked like the old me, the REAL me, I then promised myself that NOBODY was ever going to change who I was and I wasn’t going to change myself to please others…that I would be accepted for who I was.

    The day in June of 1986 that I was able to once again tie my hair in a ponytail (albeit a small one at the time), I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. My earring…that has not been out of my ear since the night she dumped me. I put it back in my ear when I got back to the rooming house that night and as I said above it has not been out since. With the ponytail back, I finally felt somewhat whole again.

    I started going out during the day…sometimes going to the beach but still keeping my distance from people. Neighbors in my mom’s condo weren’t much of a help…they told me shit that I deserved what happened to me for going out with a non-Jewish girl like Pam (“now you see your shikse was not so La De Da La De Da was she!” “Better you know now than after you married her and had kids.”). I didn’t know how to handle it. Hair bands were big then and I’d just be blasting them on my Walkman. If anything, Motley Crue, Dokken, Poison and Warrant helped me come out of it. Gave me something to focus on. Also helped that it was the type of music Pam hated.

    I went back to school that fall at Florida Atlantic University to work on a second BA and also to assimilate myself back among people. I started slow, going part-time and avoiding people as much as possible. Between classes, I would be in my car, studying or just being by myself. My car was what I considered a “safety zone.” I was still scared of talking to people. I did feel a semblance of safety at FAU in knowing that Pam wasn’t there. I was able to “lose myself” in the crowd there. Nobody knew me, I was safe. I was 180 degrees different from the person I was at Bridgewater State College. I did see a person there who could’ve been Pam’s twin and believe me, I did avoid contact with her. She could have been the nicest person in the world, but I couldn’t take the chance. Plus, I started having flashbacks again of sorts because of it.

    I did eventually interact with people at FAU but it took about a year and a half for me to even semi-socialize with anybody. I kept people at arm’s length at first. I worked at the FAU paper and threw my energies into that.

    I met my wife Linda at FAU in late July 1989. When I met her, warning bells went off in my head. She was also Irish like Pam and I did not want to get into another situation. She worked at the paper as I did and we shared office space. She noticed I seemed a bit distant. Some of my friends who worked with us at the paper took her aside and told her what I had been through thanks to Pam (and it took a while before they knew what had happened). When we started dating, it was my mother who told her all about Pam. I never told her when we first started dating; Linda says that she noticed the night we met that there was pain in my eyes. She had assumed that I had been married before, but I had been through a bad divorce. She was right in a way. When she and I started dating, she found out about Pam, but it wasn’t from me. It was from my co-workers (who knew what happened) and from my mother who felt compelled to tell her.

    Linda & I moved up to the St Petersburg area in 2000. It was a few years ago that I discovered that Pam lives almost 10 miles from me. Had I known that, I never would’ve moved here. (She is married to a catholic guy, but not Tony…but this guy is just as much of a Jew-hating piece of shit as she is)

    Since then, I have suffered flashbacks and nightmares and it is possible that it may have been a factor in the heart attack I suffered in January 2010. I have since been diagnosed with non-military PTSD (Pam was the major factor in my getting it) and I am currently in counseling for it. I am not ashamed to admit I have non-military PTSD, but since finding out she is near me, I have reverted into a shell of sorts. I do not venture out of my neighborhood alone. I am hyper-vigilant when I do leave my “safety zone.” I have a fear of seeing Pam and not being with somebody as “security” of sorts. I will feel safe if I go to concerts, knowing that Pam would not be at, let’s say a KISS concert. She knows I am here in the St. Petersburg area, hence my being a semi-recluse. She has not contacted me. I will not hold my breath waiting for her to do so.

    I admit there are times I wish I could ask her if she ever had any remorse for what she did. I am realistic enough to know that in her bigoted mind that there is no remorse.

    There was a water fountain just outside of the radio station studios. Not a day goes by when I don’t mentally kick myself for not using that instead of going downstairs one flight to get a can of Coke…

    • DarthYan says:

      Maybe you need to face Pam (i.e face her with friends) or just yell at her for everything she’s done. Talk to a psychiatrist

      • Scooter Livingston says:

        You have no idea how many times I have encountered her in my mind…imagining how that meeting would go. Sometimes I’m yelling at her, sometimes I am talking in a low voice.

        I would love to confront her with my wife…to let Pam see who I married…let her hear what my wife’s maiden name is…to basically shove my wife in her face.

        I cannot confront her by myself. I am afraid of a couple of things happening.

        1. I have another breakdown right then and there. I lost 9 months the first time; I don’t want to risk blacking out again and losing how many more months…or maybe even years.

        2. If her husband is there, I will go straight for his throat. Not because he’s married to her; no they deserve each other. On his Facebook page, he has a meme that refers to the Holocaust and I feel that is a personal slap at me. My father was a Holocaust survivor and Pam knew it.

        I have been in counseling for my PTSD for several years now. I was encouraged to write her a letter by a therapist. I have written it and re-written it over and over. I know it’ll most likely never be sent. I will probably re-write some of it even more.

  54. I have learned so much from here my ex told me day in and day out how much she loved me and wanted to be with me. Problem she had this guy friend that started taking up time she would swear nothing was going on and then poof she went out of town with this guy to meet his grand parents and shop for their anniversary. She came back home and told me I had nothing to worry about then a week later after One minute we are sleeping next to each other and the next morning I see she was on an hour and a half phone call with same guy she conveniently told me nothing was wrong all the sudden its I’m not content and she never told me how she felt keeping it inside then she has feelings for the guy and I kicked her out of my apartment. I look back at what I have read on this site and determined she was anxiously attached and this was there MO but it still hurts I still miss what was but I am determined to keep using this site to conquer this pain. I thank you because without looking at some of these articles I would be broken and unaware of why she did this to me if I did not see this page or do research on the anxiously attached I would have never known a girl like that was out there

  55. My fiance left me for somebody she had previously cheated on me with, after 8 years. Im still extremely in love with her. It’s been 7 months. She did not talk to me for the first month and a half. I was dying with out here, so I finally contacted her thru instantaneous and she responded, we talked for a few days. One night she texted me saying all kinds of stuff like she loves me, wants to be together again, wants to have my kids.. all that personal stuff I wanted more than anything in the world. Then she says she doesn’t know what she’s saying and that she’s drunk. Then wouldn’t respond to me for a day. Broke me again.. I found her new man’s number on Facebook and sent him all the messages and pics she had been sending me.. BTW I’m in California and their in Texas, she left out of the blue on a plane.. anyway I felt horrible the next day and called her. She said she hated me and never wanted to talk to me again, which killed me all over again. Well a week later we started talking again, behind his back, and have been everyday since for about 5 months now.. makes me feel good and so sad at the same time because she is in love and super happy with him.. it’s the worst feeling, I feel like IL never crawl outta this hole I’m in.. kinda cruel I think. Sometimes I want to tell him everything, the text, all the dirty pics and videos she sent,it would kill him like it kills me, and it would ruin everything for her. I love her but i hate him with all my heart as well.. i dont care how bad he hurts but The thought of doing her dirty like that again feels awful and it also feels really right at the same time like she deserves it.. all I know is I’m a empty shell dying a Lil more every day.. I dnot know what to do

    • Typing on a phone, sorry for the errors. Instanious supposed to be instgram. You can figure out the rest

  56. I’m dealing with a simular instance. I been with this girl for 4 years about 6 to 8 months ago she stopped showing me love and affection. Come to find out there’s 40 year old man at her work that was interest in her and talking to her. She’s 22… I’m 26. Well they were just talking right…. I should have put my foot down when I had the chance. Well on night we get into this huge argument where we both agree that things aren’t working…. we live together so walking out with nowhere to go isn’t a real option. It takes time to move out. We’ll we broke up (still living together) on a monday. Tuesday we didn’t talk but she got home late and I ask what you do and she replied I was hanging out with her girl friends…. I said ok. That night we slept in the same bed. The next day we had a talk and worked out what was bothering us. She had brought up marriage and I said yeah I’m planning to I just was it be special. We she then proceeded to tell me that she cheated with that guy……I was crushed. We had a fight and the very next day you go do some guy at work because he showed you a little attention. She says she thought she’d enjoy it but it made her feel gross and she hated it. She told me she just laid there….. and she said that she thought that’s what she wanted, but after she said she felt like she was raped and that he took advantage of her in her weak emotional state after we fought. I felt bad but that’s what she wanted she wanted to play the victim. She’s mastered this art form very well. She even said (and I believed) that all this was somehow my fault. I took her back and forgave her. It really showed me how much of a man I was. I never thought I could love someone that did that but I did. It ruined everything. We were never the same anymore. This once beautiful 22 year old girl didn’t look the same to me anymore. I did ever thing for her. And really loved her. But once again we hit the wall. 6 months after her mistake we get into an argument…. she says we need a break but I want to be friends. This weekend she never came home. She broke up with me and did another random guy 4 days after, our relationship really means nothing to her and she apparently loves shoving it in my face that with her young hot body she can get whoever she wants. Thing is tho with her selfish point of view no man will actually love her like I did. It’s all about the one thing. And she’s so nieve that once she find that out I will be long gone. Her selfish ways will be the downfall of herself. On a more positive note I’m going on a date with her best friend in a few days :).

  57. I fully trusted my ex 100% and we both agreed that we would or rather could not hurt each other by betrayal…………..but she did betray in the most devious ways any partner could after 11 years living together.She was crawling out of his bed and then getting in ours.She even changed her ways such as going to bed early getting up at the crack of dawn to go on facebook while I slept and distancing herself from me everyday to make our eventual breakup more easier for herself to handle.
    I was not angry when she announced (when the time was right for her to do so)that she had met someone,I felt more pity that here in front of me was the women I trusted and she so almost proud of what she had done.This was almost 5 months ago now,my mind drifts back to that day.The norm would be to fully blame the bloke instead I feel pity for him too as he must be very insecure not to be able to meet someone through his personality qualities instead of the lust of having the girl and the buzz she is living someone.For me I will get over this and I am glad that I never pleaded with her to stay in anyway that would have been something I would have regretted.All I know is, I know who I am and those two will never know each other how can they? when one lied to their partner of 11 years what will stop either doing the same to each other one day, and that question must be in the minds regularly because it will happen.I hope he is man enough to walk away as I did,but somehow I don’t think he will.

    • Don’t worry, it’s us men who are fuckig fools,even if this guy leaves her, she will find a new one … I really appreciate that you moved on and don’t want her back, because she did it once after 11 year relationship, she can do it again!!!

  58. Matt Merry says:

    Hi, not sure how often this site gets used or commented on but is definitely a great resource for those going through heart-break related tough times, as am I.

    After reading a lot of posts on here I feel I have to count myself lucky as the majority of stories on here are somewhat shocking and deeply heart-breaking. Though I feel I want to post on here as a way of ‘ getting it out of my system ‘ so to speak.

    I do apologize if my story is not quite in the right thread or topic but I feel heart-ache, so I hear I go..

    Basically I have realized that I was the ‘ backup guy ‘ to someone I felt attached to and had feelings for during two 4 month spells. We met online and after a period of emails we met, Though I could tell she was psychologically harmed by her previous relationship (in which she used the word raped as a way of describing how her ex husband treated her) I wanted to get to know her better and explore what could be between us. She wanted to be just friends but have ‘fun’ and not label what we were but I always found this a difficult status to understand as I was looking for a relationship and a small part of me hoped that one day she would too. We got on really well, very passionate together, she made me feel like I was number one in her life, I was always there for her, we only ever argued via txt ( mostly due to misunderstanding tones etc. We had so much in common but as this went on her emotional attachment to me seem to grow, which gave me this false sense that she had feelings for me. Apparently this was not the case and she soon talked about having ‘ fun ‘ with other friends which hurt me due to the previous 4 months of her making me feel like I was someone special to her by treating me like I was her boyfriend ( despite still labeling me as a friend).

    So that’s where the first 4 month spell ended, she became nasty and said things that contradicted the previous 4 months, she basically became a stranger. So I said I my goodbyes as I didn’t want to be in this confusing ‘ friendship ‘ anymore and she had become unrecognizable. She didn’t reply to any of this, didn’t even say goodbye.

    Fast forward a month and a half, I am pretty much over her and guess what? up out of nowhere she txts me to say sorry for how things ended, that she had seen a therapist to analyse why she treats people the way she treated me and whether or not I would consider rebuilding our friendship. This is where I should have said no! you had your chance and goodbye!

    But unfortunately I am too much of a nice guy (my female friend at work feels this is why she used me as a backup guy) so I let her back into my life. Initially I was tough with her to protect my feelings from being hurt again and to not get involved or attached. But as the weeks and months went on we got even closer than before and we were doing everything from cuddling,snuggling,kissing, holding hands at home. She told me she missed me at xmas while she was away with family, she cried when I had to leave early one evening and she invited me to go away with her to London to stay in a hotel room together as she had business there.

    For 4 months she basically treated me like her boyfriend when we were alone but still referred to me as a friend. I guess I must of been enjoying the ride so much that I didn’t consider she had basically used me a second time and that she really liked someone else (or so she says). So a day after coming home from London we have a silly txt argument that shouldn’t have been enough to end things but for some reason that was enough for her to say she doesn’t want to be ‘ involved’ with me anymore and we need space.

    A few days later she tells me things have changed and that she likes someone else. Just when you think you are close with someone out of the blue it all changes, like the last 4 months of being incredibly close (like a couple), all gone, just like that. Basically its a mirror image to the first time, including the amount of time we spent together (both 4 months), and again she didn’t reply to my goodbye txt, she read it but never replied yet again, its almost like she cant accept I am gone for good and by her saying goodbye that’s it forever.

    Everyone thinks she will pop up again in a few months like the first time but I highly doubt it this time (I hope she does so I can tell her to get lost). I know she suffers from depression and has mental baggage from her previous relationship but I just cant understand how someone can treat you like you are the most important person in their life and just out of the blue end it and say they like someone else.

    I know it is a result of her troubles that she would treat me like this twice but I guess a small part of me hoped it would be different this time, especially due how close we had gotten (well at least I thought we had) So this was all 4 days ago, which is why I am on this forum reading other peoples stories and hoping it will help me to move on, meet someone I deserve and be strong if she does pop back up again asking to be back in my life again.

  59. So I’m 16 and I’ve never dated a girl before this and I’ve never really felt much “love” because of the house I am growing up in. So this whole love thing and pretty much everything about it is a new ball park for me. Anyways, I’m a shy person and not very outgoing and to the best of my knowledge no one had ever really liked me or whatever you’d like to call it. This girl who was good friends with my best friend told him that she liked me. Me being completely shocked and unsure of what to do went along with it. She was gorgeous and had a good personality and my friend thought we’d be good together so why not. Well I knew she had an ex boyfriend, but he was no problem because he was moving 1,500 miles away and she started to realize how poorly he had been treating her. I was unaware of a 19 or 20 year old boy that she had previously been seeing also. Well I spent over a month with her happier than I’d ever been because this whole love thing was something new and exciting and I was enjoying it. I started to really like this girl and wanted to stay with her. A week or two later my parents announced that we would be moving 1,440 miles away. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do. I bought the girl a promise ring saying I’d be back for her as soon as I could. (My parents and I had been talking about me getting emancipated so it would only be about 3 months before I was back.) It’s been about another 3 or 4 weeks and my best friend and her started to fight regularly about anything they could think of and put me in the middle of it, making me choose between the two. I was able to calm them down decently well and push those matters on the side. They were still on rocky grounds though. Well a day ago my best friend decides that he wants to ask out my girlfriend’s best friend. That instantly caused problems and the two were at it worse than I’d ever seen them before. Once again I had to make a choice. Before I could even say anything to her she said “Goodbye. I’m tired of your best friend calling me a slut and a whore.” Which I was unaware of. So I talked to him and was able to sort of calm him down and make sure he wasn’t going to talk to her again. I tried talking to her and one problem turned into another. She then claimed that if I really loved her I wouldn’t of even moved, when I had no choice because I hadn’t had a living situation figured out at that point. Anyways I tried calming her down, but it only seemed to make it worse. She then hurt me more than I could of imagined possible. She told me that I made her happy, but there was a boy who could do it better than I could and he could be there for her when she actually needed it, unlike me being 1,440 miles away. I kept talking to her saying nice things talking about what we had planned for when I came back for her and our future. She told me those no longer meant anything to her and she didn’t want to hold onto false hopes and promises from me. She then continued to tear me down saying I was a mediocre pussy who couldn’t make up his mind and wouldn’t stand up for what he cared for. I was and am devastated. I don’t know what happened or why. Now I’m stuck with a “best friend” who won’t talk to me or trust me anymore, a broken heart and a confused mind. I don’t really know what to do. I liked this girl a lot more than I thought I could and she just threw away the ring and the feelings like they were nothing. I’m lost and hurt and no longer know what to do.

  60. I am curious to know if this kind of thing is widespread ioutside of the U.S. I would assume it happens in Canada, the UK, maybe several other European countries, and Australia, but I am curious. The reason that I ask is because I have dated women from other countries (Philippines, Burma, Iran, and Uzbekistan) and they appeared to be the type of women who wouldn’t dare think of dumping their man for another man. Unfortunately, distance caused 3 of those relationships to end (although 2 were in the same state) and the other ended because we were so different. But I am actually still good friends with all 4, which I can only say for 1 out of my 5 American ex’s.
    My last girlfriend dumped me 3 months ago. She is now dating someone else. Ironically, the guy she is dating just happened to have been her male “best friend” when we were dating. Since our breakup, I have found out a few other things. When we were dating, she told me that she was in a 7 year relationship with a guy who she briefly lived with in his house (while renting out her house). They ended the relationship and she didn’t date anyone again until she met me 3 years later. One day she told me that her ex worked in some type of biology and had a doctorate. After our breakup, I found out where her best friend Andrew lived. After doing a little background check using his address, I found out that he works in some type of biological science and has a doctorate. I’m like “huh?” So then I decided to do a background check on my ex to see what I could find. I found out that one of the addressed listed in her background is his house address. I got pissed. And to think, she would hang out with this guy once in a while during the week while I would be working out of town and I even let her go to an overnight concert with him in L.A. because they were “just friends” and I trusted her. That is the second time that I have lost a girlfriend to a male “best friend”. It will not happen again. Maybe I need to look for foreign women again and leave American women alone.

  61. Robert Jones says:

    I really appreciate this website…. I was with her for 10 years… and I was in the military for awhile… But… I was also in debt, and I didn’t want to get married until I got out of debt… Two days before the wedding, she left me and was already in another relationship by that evening. Three months later, she was knocked up again.. By the way, she was already knocked up when she left me and I believe it wasn’t mine…and she didn’t want to tarnish her reputation. I can only thank her ….and my lucky stars for dodging a serious bullet. It still hurts though. That was Nov. 14, of ‘2013. Haven’t dated women since, I’m celibate and working on my degree… I’m doing everything now, that I threw away because of her…. I don’t want to get married anymore.. I don’t have any interest in dating…. No interest in women… No interest in men (not that I’m gay, but I’ve pondered it). And I found my passion… And I’m writing a book….actually 12. This nation needs another equality movement… Because it’s plain to see that women have no moral fiber and are catered to left and right at a man’s expense. Men are nothing more than ATMs and punching bags in the post-postmodern world… The family unit is being destroyed by systemic and systematic governing regulations which is destroying society and exacerbating inequities across the board… So it’s time to change that. Thank you again Jesse for your website. I look forward to checking in every-so-often. Cheers.

    • Cheese Louis says:

      My friend, you forgot to mention that women are also “cum dumpsters”, but everything else is spot on. xD

  62. My ex and I, we’ve been together for 9 months. And there’s this one day she just called it off and the next 2 days she’s holding hand with another guy in front of my friends and her friends. Wow.. that sucks. There’s so much more I want to say. Just gonna keep it to myself I guess 🙂

  63. Ajay Sinha says:

    Ok I need some help. I am 24 years old. My girlfriend had been dating since the 10 grade (from when we were 15 years old). The relationship lasted for 9 long years. It ended 5 months back. We decided to get married and tell our parents about it. However, her parents did not approve of me and it was like my girlfriend just turned off a switch and dumped me over a phone call. I got to know that she married someone else last week. I devastated. I cant sleep cant eat. In the midst of all this I decided to take up graduate school thinking it would keep my mid of it and came far away from home (India). Now I am lonely and scared. I cannot afford to mess my Course up because there is simply a lot at stake and on the other hand I am Completely devastated and broken from the very foundations. I simply cannot meet new people. Im always anxious and feel excruciating pain in my stomach all the time. I fear that if things go wrong I would end up letting my friends and family down. I need help. She is gone. I was betrayed after standing by for 9 years. I really dont want much from life anymore. Some metal peace would be a great feeling. Its been close to a year since I have been handling excruciating amounts of stress and I feel my body just cannot handle it anymore. I am losing a lot of weight because i simply do not feel hungry at all ever. I can go an entire week only on water. I have started smoking a lot. The issue is, I want to move on. But the only thing that creeps in to my thoughts is that of her. Every time I do a new thing, I start to thing how it would be if she would be beside me. and if there is something that reminds me of her then its pretty crazy too. Basically the only thoughts in my brain ar related to her. Every thing that i want to achieve or accomplish in life is for her. But now that she is gone Im simply left with no motivation to work for anything at all. I need help.

    • Cheese Louis says:

      Hi, my friend. You loved her unconditionally, so take pride in the fact that you are a genuine and superior gentleman. She was not mature emotionally to accept the love that you had for her. Take all the time you need to heal to get over the issue. Go experience new things, go out more and boom! Next thing you know, you’ll be a happier individual. 🙂

    • Bros, be grateful you are still 24 and have more time to explore. I met her at 19 and she dumped me at 29 when we were about getting married. Explore and have fun, in 2 years, you will be 26, still fresh and young.

    • FARAZ AHMAD KHAN says:

      We had 7 years relation from college time,finally her parents disaprooved she took her time and finally go by her parents decision ,She was my first and only love and i always thought of her as soulmate now I am 27 and she is gone as i can be just friend nor do i want to we stopped talking and everything for 50 days ,even i did not wished her on birthday recently,she will soon be married to someone else .i am strong but never wanted to loose her .its so painful but i understand it was her family and she who wanted a high earning man .at beginning of my career my earnings are ok but not great,i am very sad aat times and all my 7years i thought she was my soulmate and loved her most .but now i understood she was not for me i was always pushing her .now i understood those little signs i ignored in last 7 years were signs of disinterest and seeds of breakup she even stopped expressing her love in last 6 months of our breakup.i loved her wished my life wih her but she is selfish want a fat earning husband and left me for it i honestly feels she doesnt deserve me and true love in life but a lot of money.i willl never ever contact her coz she and her family decided to leave me and i know know no matter what she says but she has find an alternative for me.

  64. I’ll try and keep this short….

    Girlfriend of 4 years finished with me last week, she loves someone else and wants to be with him, apparently been seeing him behind my back for a couple of months. We did have some problems, mostly around her drinking which was causing problems with having her around my 10 year old Daughter on the weekends I have her, but we were working on that together…it was worth it as I Loved her so much…we were a great team, everyone used to tell us how great we were together, and we were!
    …the guy she’s in Love with is a friend of mine from the Pub we regularly drink in…

    I’m devastated, in despair, can’t stop crying, imagining all sorts of things, can’t eat, can’t sleep…I miss her so much as I’m sure a lot of you on here understand…

    What makes things worse is that I can’t go to my local Pub to get out of the house either….I tried that and she was in there with her new guy, sure some of the other guys tried to tell me to ignore it and it was my pub as much as hers but that is a lot easier said than done…it’s a very small pub and I can hear all their conversation, making plans for the week etc., it was crushing and humiliating…what made it worse is that the guys supporting me have known the other guy longer so invariably ended up in a group with him and my ex leaving me at the end of the bar with the occasional pat on the back as they passed by…

    I’ve lost the love of my life, and I can’t bear it…but I’ve also lost my social group where I could have gone to get out of the house, I don’t have a wide network of friends and so I am forced to sit at home staring at the walls or go to a different pub and sit on my own obsessing over the exciting new life my ex is starting while I’m sitting here destroyed….

    I know it’s only been just over a week but if I did not have my Daughter I would struggle to find anything in my future…

    I am toying with the idea of going to the pub tonight as they have a band on and it will be busier and noisier but I know that if they’re there I will just sit and stare until I can bear it no more and go home even more of a mess…

    I don’t know what to do…I’m a mess…


    • I’m going though the exact same thing Mark! 4 years..I’m 26, ex 25…. except I don’t have a Daughter.. I put so much effort into getting my ex to see the light about having a good and healthy future with me and stop the partying and abusive and silly behavior, (sure I love a drink now and then to! but this was excessive like a way for her to escape her own demons) and I just wanted her to relax and tell her ‘its time stop and lets grow-up a little and plan for a future. save. travel. get married..’ she would agree. -I put so much trust into one person it was crazy when I look back now (for a while i believed that I had fixed her/ us, and we where going to get this future rolling) But all these things were crashed in a matter hours over weekend on the piss.. before this night out) She also was chatting a with a guy on FB for a number of weeks and I found out! and tried to fix a train-wreck of situation… I honestly wish I was stronger and ended it right then and there when I found out, But being weak minded at the time I thought it was just because I was behaving bad towards her and this was her reaction to that” wrong this was a long term exit plan for her.. I’m now 4 weeks in the break up and it’s still really tough! but im getting there. Like you Mark my social group is not the best 80% of it was her friends and they are barley talking to me..

      The one thing that has helped me the most was Changing myself and doing things I didn’t do, but wish i did during the relationship! Gym and eating health, seeing mate as much as possible (the stress of the break up helped me drop kgs like nothing.) Also talking to family, opening up as much as possible to people you know and care about.

      Hang in there mate! it’s a tough fukin road. just stay no contact, do not talk to her, look at photos. what ever. You are the biggest asset to yourself!

    • Hi Mark!

      I know that it is hard for you yo accept it. I am now closer to a year of moving on. I just want to try to visit some site like this since I started dreaming of my ex. this past few days. I am asking myself if I still care about her or if I still love her.

      I feel you man, I just want to say that no matter how hard your situation is right now. you have to stay strong. just get over it. It is hard to do it actually but like me you can get to the point that she will not be a bother to your head anymore. watch movies / train to the gym / sports. make yourself busy.
      trust me its effective.

      Don’t go to that pub anymore, Go to other Pub and try to make friends to others.

      At first just like you I can’t accept it. but the more you think of her is the more you hurt yourself.

      The likes of us doesn’t need to be treated with this kind of girls.
      You’re not a mess my friend.

      Trust me all you need is time. and follow the instructions above. it worked well for me.

  65. JPaul Baca says:

    This is word to word how I feel right now. And the insecurities are dead on she was telling me to calm done . now I’m to the point where I feel maybe if I would clam down when she told me to things would have been different. Did I really mess this up. Where did my insecurities come from? She full on left me for a retired Marine. I did exactly what this article said put her on a pedestal did everything for here. suffocated. l That she lost her identity with me .yeah I’m beating myself up thinking if I were to listen to her things would have been different .any advice? This is only 2 weeks ago and I going through it these past 5 days. Where did my insecurities stem from? Bummer.
    3 1/2 years and I truly loved her. Was engaged. The last time I saw her was exactly what the article said she was a completely different person didn’t even know her

    • Hang in there mate.

      My ex left me for a Army guy too.. Girls like there attitude I guess.

      I to did the Pedestal thing especially towards the end!
      I know the feelings so well insecurities” loneliness” I’m week 4.5 in the break up process, yep im counting.) No contact! is a hard ass tool, but it works. they do try and contact you.. it’s like they miss you but yet don’t wanna know you at the same time.. It’s really shit. don’t play the game tho- do not! reply or start a conversation if they make contact. You can be in control with No Contact. remove her from your life, pictures, facebook anything you can. that links you to having thoughts about the past and what might have been and what you would or could have changed.. Try really hard to not beat yourself up. try new things, work on yourself! it will feel hollow for a while and there will be times when you get angry at these emotions. keep a strong head. and keep going.

      Bring on the next love of your life mate. learn from this!

  66. My girlfriend of 5 years just started law school. She is 20 and I am 23 working a full time job, however we do live together and for my job I do spend a few nights on the road. Typically I am not one to get jealous or over attached, but this time a gut feeling had me worried. She made friends with this one guy, let’s call him Mike, in her last year of undergrad. Mike is one year older and is doing law school as well, however this year he transferred to a university 2 hours away. I would expect them to keep in touch regarding school based activities and projects etc considering he has done this a year before. So September goes by smoothly with no problems, October rolls around I am noticing that the texts are getting more frequent, when I ask about him she’s hesitant to talk about him. I thought this was strange as she is usually open and honest about most things. A few weeks later her and her class friend, let’s call her Sarah, went to the city that mike lives in. This is because sarah is from that town and her parents are lawyers so they thought they’d go back to Sarah’s house and study with the help of their parents. One evening my girlfriend tells me she’s not feeling well and would like to go to bed early, so we said our good nights and off to bed she went. Or so I thought. I find out later that night that she went out to go see a movie one-on-one with mike. When I asked her about it she got all defensive and angry at me saying she didn’t want to tell me because she was afraid of my reaction. A few weeks go by and it is late October, one evening she is at the library studying with her friend and she invites mike over for to study at the library, but since it’s a 2 hour drive, she offers him to stay the night, in a separate room as she says, because she didn’t want him driving back late. Eventually I find out about this and confront her. She gives me the same excuse about my reaction. We have an open talk and I say that I just want to know why you’re doing this and she agrees to be more open with me. So this weekend they went back to Sarah’s house for the weekend to study and she went on a one on one dinner with mike again, however this time, I get a message from one of her close friends saying that she admitted feelings for mike. I am now stuck at the point where I don’t know what to do. She is never like this and I am not sure if this is all because it’s just a crush or if it’s something more. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated!

    • Cheese Louis says:

      Run for the hills, my friend. This is disrespect. Plain and simple. Any decent human being with a shred of decency does not entertain that kind of dishonesty.

  67. I am not back with my ex, i still have the hope that one day in the future we cross paths again. I have not dated yet but my ex got with someone a few weeks after our breakup (4 year relationship) it was left open for a chance to work things out, but once she met this “guy” her thoughts about me changed. She just met the guy after our break up less than two months I’d say.. “She said that she Is so happy right now, he takes care of me, is there whenever I need him, will do anything to see me and make me happy, all the things you never ever did..” Of course it’s so untrue but she is writing everything off as it was not good..Im not obsessing over her, but i cant seem to get over how terrible she handled this. We have ot talked on the phone or met up in person since the break turned break up over 2 months ago.Everything was done thru text and we talked on the phone one time, but she would not see me in person, and still wont. I unfollowed her on social media to speed up the healing process. But my “best friend” and his girlfriend took my ex to a halloween party last weekend, messed up on my friends part right? but my ex changed her twitter profile from private to public for the first time ever… I saw her tagged in pictures on my newsfeed. Then a few days later she made it private again?! Also last night I saw her name pop up again! She keeps changing her Twitter to public, Why do you think she did that because i am at a loss for words the only thing I can come up with is for me to see her stuff? Because I don’t see why else she would need to make it public? She says she is so over and moved on and doesn’t care anymore but stuff like that tells a different story. What do you guys think about that? Am I looking into it too much or may I have a valid thought? I feel more happy as a person, one day hopefully she will reach out to me. If you could give me advice on that question it would be greatly appreciated! Also, do you believe that time brings people back together?! Maybe us not speaking for a few months or a year will get her to reach out, see me in a better light, and not so negative and writing me off as never being there for her… Thanks

    • Josh,

      Who knows why she did that man. But it has absolutely no value to you and the situation you’re in now. Women behave very differently and often erratically – at least from the guy’s perspective – during and after a breakup.

      It’s easy to get lured down the path of trying to figure out what her behavior means, but it’s better not to accept the premise that that’s even worth doing.

      A stronger Josh wouldn’t read into any of this, and that’s the line you need to aspire to.

      Even though you may still be interested in pursuing some of these questions in your head. Leave them open-ended deliberately. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but as you get used to it you start to adopt the mindset that would elicit the same behavior: one of indifference.

  68. Hi Guys,

    My ex gf dumped me a little over a month ago.

    We had been in a 2 and a half year relationship but it was long distance. I visited here every month for a 3 to 7 days for the whole time and she came over here only twice in that time.

    We never really fought and shared everything. The sex was amazing, we talked about everything and just got on really well.

    She had just graduated in July and started a new internship in her country. She had got a masters course at a university in my country. I was over the moon and we started planning everything. Her accommodation, places to visit.

    I found it strange because she hadn’t still found a place she liked and stopped mentioning it. Whenever I asked about it she say she was busy.

    She started going out with her friends from her work and she mentioned she really enjoyed their company.

    Then she mentions the next time she’s out that it’s all guys and if I’m ok with that. I tell her it’s fine but I tell her to be careful.

    Then she says her gran is poorly and has to stay over and she doesn’t message me for hours. The next day I’m off to work and get an email for her.

    I park and check my email and she says she wants to break up with me because we are too different. Our family culture is too different. Then she mentions she wants to cut all contact and that’s it.

    I call her and ask her what is going on. She tells me she just wants to end it because she stop loving me a few months ago. I confront her and ask her why we couldn’t wait til she was here and see what is wrong. She keeps telling me no and that’s it’s over. I ask her why and she says there’s no spark. I ask if I did anything wrong and she says no and starts sobbing.

    So I put the phone down and I drive straight back home crying like a maniac. I tell my friends and all my guy friends tell me she’s cheated on me or found another guy. My girl friends tell me she just needs time.

    So she ends up blocking me from all messaging services and facebook. That’s when I figured she most likely cheated on me. I was depressed for like 2 weeks but felt I got over her. Then today I go through my Facebook messenger app looking for a friend and she’s somehow on it and I see her profile pic is with another guy.

    I went on my friend fb account and checked out her account. Turns out she’s going out with this guy since last month or earlier and he’s from her country. She had basically left me for this guy and lied to me. I loved her and she had obviously cheated on me with this punk.

    Now I’m lost again. Depressed as fuck and don’t know what to do.

    I want to just go out there and find someone else just to have a fling with which I know isn’t right or healthy.

    Any advice? I’m struggling and need some support badly 🙁

    • Cheese Louis says:

      Hi SR49. She is no good for you. Take as much time as you need to heal, and keep in touch with us. We are all in the same boat, you’re among friends. :3

  69. eddieknucks says:

    My ex of 10 yrs and I just split 2 weeks ago. Over the years she would join one group after another and become consumed with them. This year it’s a group full her old high school classmates. She would stay out with these folks all hours of the night. She came home one morning at 7 am and I was pissed. She talked like she was not in the wrong and then gets mad at me because she thinks I hung up on her( I was at work when she called and the call dropped on the elevator). This woman was mad at me if I came in at 10at night when out with friends and I didn’t do that too often because she would get mad. I started staying home when not working to make her happy. So after the argument I get the silent treatment all week and when she did talk it was cold and mean. After awhile I had enough and told her is was leaving if she didn’t change. She agreed with me and on Wednesday it was over and I told her I’d be back on Saturday to get the rest of my things. I told my friends at work and one of them who was Facebook friends with her said she changed her status to in a relationship as of that previous Monday. I called her and she said she is now with her friends husband. This guys wife cheated on him and she was there for him and something click. This from the woman who said she hated cheaters and liars and here she is. I’ve been trying to maintain NC but we still have bills and other things we need to straighten out but I try to keep it short. Then a few days ago she asked why I’m telling everyone she cheated? You’re with your friends husband before I was even completely out of the house. Even if they did just split, you’re not supposed to mess with your friends leftovers before the divorce is final. I just really hate her and all jealousy and riding my ass and she’s the one that does this.

    • Cheese Louis says:

      She deserves all of your hatred. However, if you keep your anger bottled up, it’ll ruin you and not her in the long run. I suggest the usual, block and move on.

  70. Aditya Sajan says:

    My girlfriend and I had dated for 8 months..i know its a short time but it felt like a long time…she broke up with me last month cause she said she liked someone else while we were dating but instead of breaking up with me she instead lied about her feelings for me and played with my emotions…and when i wanted to go and see her…she threatened me by saying that if i go anywhere near her..her guy friends will deal with me…then she keeps blaming me for everything that is happening in her relationship..they have arguments about me..and she blames me for that when i am not doing anything…and she told everybody that i was the one who broke up with her because i liked someone else…and i cannot tell the truth cause she is threatening me..not that i am scared of that..i just don’t want this to screw her life because i still love her and i really want her back..but i’m not trying anything to ruin things between her and this guy.

    • Unknowingreaper says:

      Wow Dude who cares what she thinks. She clearly doesn’t care about you so why care about her? She doesn’t love you. Just delete everything that has to do with her and move on

  71. Tristin Morrison says:

    I don’t even know how to start….I was only with my girlfriend for about a year and a half,and then we broke up two weeks ago…..I am absolutely inlove with her and I still feel like she is the one….I’m not going to say I was the perfect guy….but I tried my best to be there for her in everyday and make her as happy as I ever could…which is more than any guy has ever done for her….we used to go out and do things and make eachother laugh every single hour of every single day,she brought out the best in me and I brought out the best in her and we planned everything that we were going to do for the rest of our lives together ….everything seemed perfect….before we started dating she slept with this guy…will.,who she had met and slept with the same night….and then she said she loved me and I made her better and feel better than she’s ever felt and she knew we were right for eachother….and we started dating…a year in and things were better than I could have ever hoped for…we had our ups and downs…she has mental problems and they influence her moods really badly but I made the best of every day and I helped her get through nightmares and being paranoid about everything from sleeping with the lights off to never wearing her glasses in public….I got her through the worst parts of her life and loved every bit of her….then things just started getting bad and we ended up breaking up…just over a week….but that’s all it took for her and will to start talking again…and we decided we were stupid and we lived eachother and wanted eachother…so we tried again…3 weeks later I found messages with her and will that were not messages just friends send…and she said she was doing it cause she was scared we were going to break up again…and then she stopped….we stayed together and things were rough…but we were getting through it…then she went out and lied about it telling me she was sick and this guy kissed her…she told me everything the next day and I wasn’t even mad…I cuddled her and told her everything would be ok…i gave her my everything….and then about 5 months later we broke up….not 2 days later she is messaging Will and they are meeting up and she is saying things like she wished everyday that I was him and staying with me was the biggest mistake of her life….and it broke me….she told me she said it cause she was angry with me and she never meant it and that she had to be with this will so that she could realise what she lost(being me) and she hopes I understand cause if we have time apart and she realises no other guys are like me we can be happy again like we were….and I don’t care what it sounds like I’m only 19 I’ve been at home every night crying myself to sleep cause she says she wants me she won’t ever love anyone more than me but she needs to sort herself out and make herself better and realise that I’m the best thing in her life…she says she’ll keep hurting me when she eats upset because she knows no matter what she does I’ll forgive her cause I just love her and she’s honestly my everything….but she goes to his house and she knows it upsets me so much and she just ditched me for him and all I do is cry and cry and cry and I just don’t know what to do or how to handle it I just wish we could be happy again…and inlove again and on top of the world again….I know I won’t get a reply cause it’s probably sounds stupid…just feels nice actually saying it all….I just love her…and I wish I knew what to do to stop feeling this way….why should I be put second if she loves me…why throw away someone who would do anything for you….who would move heaven and earth to see her smile….or laugh….why treat him like shit and say you need to watch me be with someone else so I can get better and be with you….it feels like everything around me is falling apart and I can’t pick myself out of bed on a morning I hate life right now and I’m not like that…I just want someone to listen and tell me what to do…

    • Unknowingreaper says:

      I know it’s late but hopefully things got better. I’ve been there and the best thing to do is move on. If someone loves you they won’t leave you.

  72. This same thing happened to me. I’m 26 and have been with the love of my life for over 7 years (or was with her anyway). It would have been 8 years this October, to which I was going to propose to her. Already bought the ring and I knew I’d get her grandparents and Mother’s approval so I was going to ask them shortly after I got the ring. I already had the plan on what I was going to do to propose to her on our 8 year anniversary. I loved her family. Spent so much time going to her house, having dinner with them, taking her dog out every night, doing the dishes for everybody after dinner and just enjoying my time there. I’d come back from bringing the dog out for a walk (who I loved to death and now I can’t see him either), and I would give her massages after a long day at work and watch our favorite shows together, laugh together and love together.

    I guess my problem was that I’m a little different of a breed. I have a huge entrepreneurial side to me. I work a job as a mechanic and I’ve been spending the last two years dedicating my spare time to building a business of mine online (don’t worry, I made plenty of time for her too). I didn’t want a typical life for us. I always wanted to help retire my Mother too, because unfortunately if I don’t do it and she doesn’t win the lottery, retirement is not a possibility for her. Even HER Mother I wanted to take care of. She was going through the same thing and I always dreamt of buying my Mother and her Mother a new home and retiring them. Simply put, we grew up two totally different ways and I saw so much financial hardship in my life growing up that I didn’t want to go through the same cycle for my future wife and I, our kids, my family, etc.

    She always acted like she supported me and tried her best to encourage me to do the things I need to do, but one thing I lacked was living in the moment with her. Sometimes I would beat myself up for not being farther than I was and it would affect her. Sometimes I had a wishy washy attitude that really just had to do with what I was going through. She was a trooper for so long, she really was, but I guess one day she thought it couldn’t work, which I know in my heart wasn’t true. It would take MY efforts for it to work, because she already put so much effort in and held on to us for so long. So with that said, I know I’m different. You can read all the quotes, articles and cliches on why you should leave your significant other to reassure your preconceived ideas on how a relationship should be, but the reality is that EVERYBODY is different. Those people who generalize relationships can never speak the complete truth. I know I could have been what she was looking for. I know I could change and learn to live in the moment. When I found out I was losing her, I got my act together QUICK. And maybe it shouldn’t come to that point if you love someone, but it doesn’t mean you don’t truly love someone if you don’t come to that realization when you were together either.

    Anyway, after all her efforts; after all my efforts, she decided to “think about it” and told me she’s going to need a while to make a decision and said we could be friends. She said I could still come see the dog and I was doing just that. There was a point like a month later that she almost made it seem like I should go over to see her and the dog and we shared a plate of food she was making and just talked about how things were doing. I once again took the dog out for a walk and came back to find out that she was going to head out with her girlfriend for a little while. That same day I gave her Grandpa a special gift and he loved it. She texted me later that night saying thank you for doing that, that was really nice of you. It seemed like maybe she was really seeing how I acted about this, I’m not sure. Then on the 4th of July, I was told by a friend that he saw her at a pub and it looked to be like a double date that included her and she told him to not tell me she was there. Well he told me and I was furious because she almost gave me little bits of hope that she can see I was worth it, then she’s going behind my back saying “don’t tell him” and what not. So I decided to leave her a quick voicemail and honestly, it was calm. It wasn’t irrational, I simply said, I loved her and I heard about that “double date” and I just told her we can end this if that’s how you’re going to play this out. I told her it’s the last thing I want, but I’m also not going to get played by the girl I gave my heart to for over 7 years. She texted me at 3pm the next day (like 12 hours later) and basically said I got your voicemail and sorry but I just don’t think this can work out. I told her I felt like I deserved a little more closure than a text message (keep in mind, the initial break-off was through text too and any time in between that when we did see each other, she avoided talking about it). So basically my close to 8 year relationship was ended through text. And there was no reason for it to be. I wasn’t abusive, it’s not like she felt as if she had to be safe about it or anything, she just went the coward’s way out.

    My sister texted her about it and she said that she missed “the old me”. Which is bullshit because if anything I’ve changed and improved for the better this whole time. She said it was this past year that she started losing it for me, which is bullshit because this year we did the most we have ever done together. This year we spent the most time that we ever did together. This past year we went to Canada with her friend and her boyfriend, Pennsylvania to visit her best friend and her boyfriend, and we went to Vegas for a week together and had a blast the whole time. All the way up until the end she always assured me that I was great and she was so happy with me.

    She used to buy my clothes all the time at her own will and just recently bought me a new shirt before all this happened. She fucking loved me and I knew it. But here’s the problem. She has this co-worker (keep in mind my ex is the manager of the place she works at) and her co-worker is her employee, obviously. One day she happened to invite me over her house to have some drinks and eat some food. So I went and we had a blast! I was conversing with her co-workers husband (we connected on many different levels) and basically like half of their family. But this co-worker of her’s has a son. And I thought that it was a little odd the way they said “hi” to each other, as if there was some awkward thing about it. So I just brushed it off and had a good time with the family over there and we left together. She told me how much she loved that I was so cool with their family and even before we went she’s like “you’ll love them and her son”. But anyway after we left I asked her why it seemed a little weird between them (they just said hi and didn’t talk for the rest of the night by the way). She said there was no reason and I was just being observant or paranoid. I brushed it off and said I had fun and we should do it again sometime.

    Then take us back to about a month after we went there, I was fixing my exe’s phone. The screen cracked and being the handy man I am, I ordered a new screen and replaced it for her. So I had her phone for a couple days and we stayed in contact via facebook and her work phone. So I told her, you probably have text messages and missed calls so let me put your sim card in my phone and I’ll read you off anything you missed over the past couple of days. At this point in our relationship, that was just second nature. We trusted each other on that level and she said okay, had no problems with me doing that. So I read her a couple of messages and then I came across one with no contact name. All it said was “Hey (insert her name here). I read that to her and said hold on, let me put it in your phone and I’ll see if the contact comes up because my phone didn’t have the same contacts. She’s like no Mike, it’s fine and I didn’t think anything of it, so I was just like no it’s not a big deal I’ll just check. Well, she still didn’t have the number as a contact but she did have another number with the same first 3 digits, which was her co-worker!!! A lightbulb went off and I asked her, is this your co-workers son? I had to pry answers out of her, she said it was nothing, but said she went over there before when HE invited her over. I got mad for a second but didn’t get irrational, and she was trying to reassure me that it wasn’t anything and wouldn’t happen again. So I brushed it off. Keep in mind, if this was me a few years back, I would have flipped out more, so it was clear that I was more of a mature person this time around and I trusted her so I thought she would respect that I let it go.

    Well now since this thing happened, she’s “in a relationship” with him just under 3 months after we broke up. I know it wasn’t something she waited for and I know she’s been going over their house for a while before they finally made it official. Simply put, she played me. She acted like it was my fault and I pushed her away but I honestly am getting to the point where I think it’s bullshit and part of her was wishing that I slipped up a bit so she could have a reason to run off to this “perfect guy” with his “perfect family”. He lives closer to her, she works with the kids Mom, so everything just fell into place perfectly for her. She left something real for a daydream.

    I dedicated so much time to her and I’m not saying she didn’t either but that’s what I thought made us special. I thought we would have been one of those love stories who went through some hard ship and still came out on top in the end, you know, like a REAL relationship should be? I just can’t believe the person I loved and thought I knew just turned out to be a coward. It’s just so heartbreaking. I miss her family and so much more about us than she could ever imagine. Now she’s dealing with it by falling for what’s easiest for her.

    I wish you all the best, I apologize my story was so long but over 7 years can’t be summed up that easily.

  73. It’s like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. I feel like I’m on a sinking ship in the middle of a sea storm at night and there is nothing I can do. It’s been over a year now since she met somebody new. It still seems so surreal though the reality of this devastation makes me want to step in front of a train over and over again. Their is no hope, I gave her 5 years of my life and now I’m 42. There is no hope for an older guy like me to start all over again….it’s just too late now.

    • Are you crazy? 42 is still so young. And do not be talking about stepping out in front of a train. You probably mean so much to many people without you even realizing it. Don’t be sad it’s over, be glad it happened. Learn from the experience and start a new chapter in your life. You got this!

    • Roger,

      It sounds like you’re going through excruciating pain and I’m very sorry to hear that. The love you must feel must be overwhelming.

      For what it’s worth, I know the ship, the storm and the night you describe very well. To this day they constitute the worst, strongest, most painful thing I have ever felt.

      But here’s what I discovered: The storm doesn’t kill you.

      The ship sinks, but it was never meant to survive the storm in the first place. And the ship doesn’t represent YOU, it represents the relationship.

      You’re still placing yourself on the ship — but you needn’t. The ship NEEDS to sink for you to get along with your next voyage.

      You’re not too old, and deep down you know this to be true. People find love at any age, and 42 is certainly not the oldest I’ve heard of.

      You’re also not starting over.

      This experience will help you forge your personality. It will take time, but you will come out a stronger man if you take in the lessons the experience offers.

      That stronger man, is starting ahead from where you were, not behind.

  74. This all sounds very familiar. I had a 6 year relationship with my now ex. Everything was fine, except for the fact I did not have a job at that moment. We had plans to marry and have kids but then she started acting weird for a few days and eventually came ‘the talk’. Ofcourse she did not tell it to me rightaway but I found out she had been going out with a colleague, who has a pretty good job, and decided to dump me.

    She now still has doubts about the guy and I don’t know if it’s a rebound or not. My ex still wants to hang out with me but also says she won’t get back with me, just because I did not have the requirements she seeks in a man (career wise). So not only did my dreamgirl (At least I thought and still think) left me for another man, but also the feeling of being not as great as the other guy is what kills you inside. She did tell me I was better at some other things like sex….

    I don’t have much hope left she will ever return and perhaps it’s for the best. One of the worst things is not being able to sleep because I’m thinking about all the great times we had together (even though she still thinks we never did something nice). I hope I can get over this as soon as possible…

  75. Wes Sauter says:

    I stumbled across this site looking for answers looking for way to lose the hurt. I’m not a spring chicken. I’m fiftyfive. I’ve been married and divorced three times. I joined

  76. lovesick says:

    my gf of 2 years left me and now she is dating her flatmate jst 3 weeks after the breakup.
    let me say i am not perfect and i dont intend to be.. my ex fell for me very early in d relation (like 2 months) she became needy but i was always there for her no matter wat time of day.. surely i did not know how i truely felt for her…but she was after my life to get married .. i told her i cant marry ryt now and but i never made her feel ignored weneva she wanted to c me or talk to me i was there.. it took me a while to realize how much she meant to me and how i felt for her.. when i told her i m in love and i wanna spend the rest of my life with her .. she said she loved me and told me this is the man she always wanted me to be.. but there was something not right .. she started keeping distance.. avoiding my calls and texts and i cudnt control my feelings and kept pushing and one day i proposed .. she said yes .. she said she loved me and wants a lyf wid me.. for next 3 days she did not reply to my calls or text (it wasnt like i kept calling her, i called her once or twice.. or jst a one or two liner text) and then she texted me that i m suffocating her and she can never b wid me like ever.. i lost it..i didnt understand wat happnd.. i cudnt sleep i cusdnt eat .. i was depressed to d core.. i tried talking to her bt she wudnt answer.. few days later wen we spoke she said there is nothing left to say and she doesnt know wat she feels for me.. i did not contact her for a week .. but i jst wanted some sort if closure.. i tried reaching her.. and she answered and told me she needs time..i said sure i understand… this was 5 days before her bday.. ok let me mention this for first year we were in the same city and then it became long distance (not tht long.. we use to c each other twice or trice every month)… so on her bday i jst msged her to wish her.. and it was a saturday.. so i decided i should go out and try to divert my mind.. ironically the place i went to .. who do i c there… it was her wid her friends celebrating her bday .. and i thot she came bk to town and didnt even tell me.. even then i ordered a cake for there table and wrote her a letter .. and next thing i kno her friend comes up to me and tells me to sudd off and not be a creep and stalker.. i cudnt take it and i left… 3 days later she called me and told me she saw how sick i was .. how i have lost weight.. and told me she cares for me and cannot hurt me like this.. and she will always be there.. and will call me d next day and every day till i am better.. i told her if u r playing wid me dont.. cause i cant take it anymore …it was bitter sweet.. although i was sad abt the situation but talking to her calmed me down…but then again no call no msg for 5 days and i lost it.. i went bitter and i said some **** things to her.. and i realised i hav only hurt myself… now she is seeing this guy i never liked (cause he was after her wen we were dating) and i cant stop picturing them together.. she said she will never spk to me now but yes she did love me.. but not anymore ,.. and the other guy is far better thn me.. how do i deal wid dis.. and y do i still miss her.. i made some mistakes.. but i was never bad to her .. i never lied i was always loyal .. is it completly my fault that this happnd.. my thots are poisioned wid her memories and i all i can think of is to talk to her and make peace.. i tried but didnt wrk out.. it actually made us fight more.. and she ends up rubbing her new relation in my face.. i dont kno wat to do… its still very fresh .. its been 2 months of no contact.. help me !

  77. My gf of almost 3 years broke up with me almost a month ago, on my birthday night! How Nice! She lives in a different country with her family and she moved here temporarily with me 1.5 years ago, until i could go back to her country with her, that was our plan all along. (btw we were gonna leave back together in 3 months time). Things were really good when it was good and we had our share of fights at times. But we loved each other so much. or atleast she made me believe she loved me. We had everything planned out. A month ago, I was out of town for some work and when i came back, couple of my friends told me how she and a friend of mine were flirting and spending alot of times together while i was away. I knew that so called friend of mine was interested in her, I mean he likes every other girl he sees, but hes ugly and not very educated, He knows these drawbacks of him and so every girl he chases, he has a specific technique to get to them, he tells them his sad stories, how his family is such a wreck, how his father doesnt treat him well, and all these shitty things he makes up. So while i was away, and my gf was sad and missing me, he took advantage of the situation and used his ‘technique’ to get to her. And surprisingly it apparently did get to her. When i came back and heard about all of it, i blamed it all on him how it was all his fault and even fought with him. Somehow my gf still denies anything happened. So we go on, and after two weeks on my birthday, i go to her room to surprise her cuz i was supposed to be somewhere else. I find her not there in her room, she lies to me where she was and finally she tells me she went to call her ex from a phone booth. (Though now i doubt if she really went to call her ex). Before i could even start a fight with her over it, shes like i want to take a break, im not happy here in this place, and how she doesnt love me as much as she used to, and how it was all my fault that our relationship failed. She then also confesses to flirting with that guy, that shes been denying all these while. The next day she says she wants to break up..I tried every thing I could do or say to get her back into the relationship, couple days later, bugged from all the text i sent she says she is over us and to leave her alone. It was so hard, I couldnt even wrap my head around things that were happening and she was already seen going out with that guy in the town, sitting at the cafes she and i used to sit. I swear it was the hardest times i had seen in my life, I couldnt eat, sleep, everything else that everyone else here goes through..I went NC, hoping maybe she’d call me or text me, NOPE i was wrong, I moved to a different city temporarily , I feel better, But im actually feeling like is it even okay to feel better this soon? I mean everyone here talks about months or years not getting over them.. I m not completely over her yet but I know im never getting back with her and I dont feel all those resentments against her or rather I feel bad for her that she’s going out with that loser. Is this normal/ okay?

  78. Ex Machina Deus says:

    Hey Guys,

    i never do this, but i’m typing here cos i’ve basically no one to turn to or talk to. bascially an introvert

    Been dating this girl, my first love outta collage for the better part of 3 years.
    after that period, she initiated a break up,, cos of our constant wrangling
    for personal time and detrimental personal depression, due to a variety
    of factors and arguements in a relationship didn’t exactly help. But
    yet, i perservered in the rs and tried to make it work, we had our share
    of ups and downs but always came thru, so the sudden jarring news was a
    slap in the face.

    i didn’t take to well, but got along with the program and decided to get
    focussed on my life, Upon which she started msgs and turning up again
    and hannging out with me as friends. Of course, initially i didn’t take
    this well,, the resentment and anger of the sudden breakup existed. this
    went on abit of few months, and she started coming lesser and lesser.
    we still kept in contact for a few months after which, contact was rare
    but existent

    I reckon his was when my no contact period was in place and decided to
    focus on my life exercise etc… trying to get better, to the guy i was.
    eventually after retaining a semblance of my old self i realized that i
    wanted to share this with her, who saw me during my dark days. i wanted
    to enjoy her company and get back to our old smiling days. I texted
    her, but replies werent as immediate but friendly enough. Then i texted
    her asking to meet, in which she used the ol work excsue. finally one
    day, i decided to call her as i really missed her voice and boy, she
    sounded pissed, and everything was one word replies. with no care or
    concern in her tone of voice, someone unrecognizable. it hurt to be
    treated like this, I texted her after the brief and unwelcomed call,
    apologizing. She replied, outta respect of the new partner she wanted to
    cease all communication., I was distraught shocked agnozied angry at
    the way she spoke to me…insert all cliche emotional vocab here.

    i tried talking to her abit more, along the way swiftly checking all the
    boxes of the ill advised breakup moves back and forth, just to emphaize
    who pathetic and desperate i was (big mistake i knew then, but was a
    wreck at that time and was maudling and panicked and apopeltic all and
    the same time; zero compsure!, think i was having an anxiety attack at
    that time,couldnt think period!). And told her why she kept cominmg over
    after the breakup saying she wanted to see me etc,. she bluntly replied
    i was mistaken etc..and it was over the day she broke up with me, of course, i asked for a chance back and if her
    relationship was recent. She didnt wanna say of course, initially said
    can’t remember then replied it only commenced year, In any case, she said the past is past and urged me to move on and that she’d like to end the convo. her written replies were succinit, sharp, Almost PR media ready replies. emotionless and robotic.

    i knew it was over, and was enranged,, of being lead along,, etc..
    thinking why the hell was she coming over giving me mix signals and not
    enabling me to move on, letting everyone around me think i still had a
    gf, coupled with feelings of emptiness and loniness on what could or
    should have been, perhaps i should have made an earlier effort etc…

    i went on the google highway and decided to find a resolution hoping more
    closure,. but all her social sites and chat apps, had pics that i took
    of her. Which she specifically mentioned she liked that pic cos i took
    it of her and it was during one of our dates.

    I;m confused even more now,, more questions…. wouldn;t the first thing
    you do in a new rs, be to change our main profile pics to something
    recent or with your new man.. major connumdrum all over again,,, can’t
    even find anything on her new man.. or i’m lost all over again,, she’s
    blocked me on one of the chat apps that we used.. so probably i guess
    its over for real., but i don’t understand why she doesn’t change her
    pics, seeing how she mentioned it was special to her during our time

    Fucking love man,.. pure bullocks and pain.

    I know its a cliche story and everyone goes thru yadadaydada… but man,
    when it stings it really stings.. can’t sleep can’t eat… can’t even
    move on with all these questions.

    Hope for some advise, guys. Every article says it gets better, but it
    just really really hurts – like a fuckin slow burning tumor formulating
    its way to a total breakdown.

  79. Hey Guys,

    i never do this, but i’m typing here cos i’ve basically no one to turn to or talk to. bascially an introvert

    Been dating this girl, my first love outta collage for the better part of 3 years.
    after that period, she initiated a break up,, cos of our constant wrangling for personal time and detrimental personal depression, due to a variety of factors and arguements in a relationship didn’t exactly help. But yet, i perservered in the rs and tried to make it work, we had our share of ups and downs but always came thru, so the sudden jarring news was a slap in the face.

    i didn’t take to well, but got along with the program and decided to get focussed on my life, Upon which she started msgs and turning up again and hannging out with me as friends. Of course, initially i didn’t take this well,, the resentment and anger of the sudden breakup existed. this went on abit of few months, and she started coming lesser and lesser. we still kept in contact for a few months after which, contact was rare but existent

    I reckon his was when my no contact period was in place and decided to focus on my life exercise etc… trying to get better, to the guy i was. eventually after retaining a semblance of my old self i realized that i wanted to share this with her, who saw me during my dark days. i wanted to enjoy her company and get back to our old smiling days. I texted her, but replies werent as immediate but friendly enough. Then i texted her asking to meet, in which she used the ol work excsue. finally one day, i decided to call her as i really missed her voice and boy, she sounded pissed, and everything was one word replies. with no care or concern in her tone of voice, someone unrecognizable. it hurt to be treated like this, I texted her after the brief and unwelcomed call, apologizing. She replied, outta respect of the new partner she wanted to cease all communication., I was distraught shocked agnozied angry at the way she spoke to me…insert all cliche emotional vocab here.

    i tried talking to her abit more, along the way swiftly checking all the boxes of the ill advised breakup moves back and forth, just to emphaize who pathetic and desperate i was (big mistake i knew then, but was a wreck at that time and was maudling and panicked and apopeltic all and the same time; zero compsure!, think i was having an anxiety attack at that time,couldnt think period!). And told her why she kept cominmg over after the breakup saying she wanted to see me etc,. she bluntly replied i was mistaken etc.. of course, i asked for a chance back and if her relationship was recent. She didnt wanna say of course, initially said can’t remember then replied this year, In any case, she said the past is past and she’d like to end the convo. her written replies we succinit sharp, Almost PR media ready replies.

    i knew it was over, and was enranged,, of being lead along,, etc.. thinking why the hell was she coming over giving me mix signals and not enabling me to move on, letting everyone around me think i still had a gf, coupled with feelings of emptiness and loniness on what could or should have been, perhaps i should have made an earlier effort etc…

    i went on the google highway and decided to find a resolution hoping more closure,. but all her social sites and chat apps, had pics that i took of her. Which she specifically mentioned she liked that pic cos i took it of her and it was during one of our dates.

    I;m confused even more now,, more questions…. wouldn;t the first thing you do in a new rs, be to change our main profile pics to something recent or with your new man.. major connumdrum all over again,,, can’t even find anything on her new man.. or i’m lost all over again,, she’s blocked me on one of the chat apps that we used.. so probably i guess its over for real., but i don’t understand why she doesn’t change her pics, seeing how she mentioned it was special to her during our time together,

    Fucking love man,.. pure bullocks and pain.

    I know its a cliche story and everyone goes thru yadadaydada… but man, when it stings it really stings.. can’t sleep can’t eat… can’t even move on with all these questions.

    Hope for some advise my friends. Every article says it gets better, but it just really really hurts – like a fuckin tumor slow burning its way to a total breakdown.

  80. Wow thank you so very much for this article. . It really helped me..

    So here is my story..any feedback would be greatly appreciated as I’m in a pretty dark place right now.

    I met my best friend and love of my life 2 years ago. We lived 10 hours apart so not that big of a deal. I put on many miles going back and forth. We had a relationship like I had never had before and I have had serious relationships but never like this. I was 32 and she was 26. We fell in love very quickly and shared our deepest secrets and fears. With my Job I could not just move there but always had a plan in motion to get there…

    We never missed a day of talking or telling each other just how important and special we were to each other. But all of this went down hill very quickly. 2 weeks ago she told me another man.. just a friend slept over as he was drunk and did not want him to drive home. I questioned it as I was coming over the next day for a week visit. She told me there has been another man for the last 1.5 years. And that they get drunk. Laugh. Forget about their problems and have sex. This was devastating but I just started down the rabbit hole. She told me she could not give me 100% of herself at that time as she had some feelings for him but did not know what they were. And she needed time to figure it I gave that time and let her figure it out. A week later while I was out of town working she told me she has come to her senses and to come over for support. .so I drove 18 hours with no sleep to get there. When I got there it was special… holding each other like we have never held before… it was amazing and she even let the other man know about me (did not know and is married lol) while is was in front of her and I supported her the whole way…. forgiving her. The next day as she was at work her phone went off and I looked over to read ” wtf I had no idea this was coming as we just had amazing sex 2 nights ago) I put 2 and 2 together and realized yup. I just went down on my girl 24 hours after another man came inside her… ( ya she told me that. ..that’s where he likes it) I was upset told her I’m pissed and no more lies… I went for a drive she thought I left and contacted the other guy… I came back she told me she needed to go tell him and explain in person .. I agreed as she told me and promised it was to end it. An hour later she came back a different person. Told me I was the other man the whole time. She used me .. never loved me and sex was just sex was just nothing as she said. I drive 10 hours home devastated knowing they were with each other as I was driving… and I know this guy.. He is using her as his little secret.. to the point that she lied to his wife for him believing he will leave her for her someday… I want to expose this but I know it’s not my place. Well 2 weeks later I have lost 25 lbs from not eating and can’t sleep or work… please tell me this will get better.

  81. My wife of ten years just did this to me 7 months ago. It was as if she just flipped a switch and wasn’t the same person I met all those years ago. She started attacking my job and said she was embarrassed to tell people I worked Executive Protection ( making 60k) and not working Law Enforcement (making 70-80k) like she was, that she made more money and was the breadwinner, and that I wasn’t doing enough to buy a house and start a family.

    The minute she started acting weird and distant I knew there was someone else but she just kept denying it until after a few months after she moved out. I went through ten years of hell with this woman who had the worst luck ive ever seen a person have and she just couldn’t catch a break. I never turned my back on her and always guided her through any job, family, or personal issue that was thrown at her. Helped her get an education, didn’t let her quit anytime she wanted to give up on jobs or school, and supported her and her family financially. How did she repay me you ask? She left me for another police officer (Divorced twice) that could give her financial peace of mind. She moved in with him after 5 months of dating and during month 6 they bought a home together and will move into it in a few weeks.

    She is the type that was never happy with what she had and always wanted more and more as if material things were going to be the solution to her emotional void. A lot of people say I should consider myself lucky and I dodged a huge bullet. This maybe true but I just cant get over the level of betrayal that she was capable of. I did so much for her to ensure her success over the years. She was my best friend, lover, wife, and I trusted her with my life.

    She has emotional attachment problems as she can never be alone and always has to be in a relationship. I don’t know if this a grass is greener thing or what but I keep telling her something is definitely wrong with a guy who is divorced twice (was cheated on causing divorce #2) and will agree to buy a house with someone he hardly knows and who essentially cheated on her husband with him after only 6 months. Something is definitely messed up inside of her too if she’s willing to throw away 10 years and a man that always had her back. I’m just angry and hurt as I feel I deserved a better end then this. Break up with me sure…but leave me for another man you hardly know? Wow. Thanks for letting me vent!!!

  82. My wife of ten years just did this to me 7 months ago. It was as if she just flipped a switch and wasn’t the same person I met all those years ago. She started attacking my job and said she was embarrassed to tell people I worked Executive Protection ( making 60k) and not working Law Enforcement (making 70-80k) like she was, that she made more money and was the breadwinner, and that I wasn’t doing enough to buy a house and start a family.
    The minute she started acting weird and distant I knew there was someone else but she just kept denying it until after a few months after she moved out. I went through ten years of hell with this woman who had the worst luck ive ever seen a person have and she just couldn’t catch a break. I never turned my back on her and always guided her through any job, family, or personal issue that was thrown at her. Helped her get an education, didn’t let her quit anytime she wanted to give up on jobs or school, and supported her and her family financially. How did she repay me you ask? She left me for another police officer (Divorced twice) that could give her financial peace of mind. She moved in with him after 5 months of dating and during month 6 they bought a home together and will move into it in a few weeks.
    She is the type that was never happy with what she had and always wanted more and more as if material things were going to be the solution to her emotional void. A lot of people say I should consider myself lucky and I dodged a huge bullet. This maybe true but I just cant get over the level of betrayal that she was capable of. I did so much for her to ensure her success over the years. She was my best friend, lover, wife, and I trusted her with my life.
    She has emotional attachment problems as she can never be alone and always has to be in a relationship. I don’t know if this a grass is greener thing or what but I keep telling her something is definitely wrong with a guy who is divorced twice (was cheated on causing divorce #2) and will agree to buy a house with someone he hardly knows and who essentially cheated on her husband with him after only 6 months. Something is definitely messed up inside of her too if she’s willing to throw away 10 years and a man that always had her back. I’m just angry and hurt as I feel I deserved a better end then this. Break up with me sure…but leave me for another man you hardly know? Wow. Thanks for letting me vent!!!

  83. hi jesse,

    i have had a similar experience i was engaged to my gf of 3 years and have lost her to another guy
    Things were always very affectionate and loving and we were always very close she told me i was was her soulmate and would always be with me.
    a couple of weeks before it ended she said she was having some issues with herself and needed to sort her head out but we were ok , then by the end of that week she tells me there is something up with us and we have a heart to heart and she tells me that she needs space and time to sort herself out but she will be back i spoke to her a few days later and she tells me she has taken the engagement ring off and we want too many different things out of life.

    she then comes round for her stuff a few days later and i ask her if there is anyone else even by a guys name i had noticed sniffing around on her social media liking a lot of pics , she promises me there is no one else and she still loves me.

    she messaged me a few times and kept saying it was over she said she prob even jumped out of it too soon but its over , fast forward a week and i see her car outside a house near me god knows why i got out but i did and guess who comes out to confront me yes the guy that i had asked her about, it took all my nerve not to punch him but he wouldnt tell me anything so i left .

    turns out on social media they had been together since the night she came round to get her stuff from me.
    i havent spoken to her since but see she is out with her new bloke loads , i just cant understand where it all went wrong and so quick i was always kind and treated her right she has just got with this new guy im sure it was going on for a while at what level who knows.

    just want to know what happened but i dont think she will ever tell me , it hurts like hell though

  84. ashmichigan says:

    I have just been dumped after a 4 month long relationship where she was my in many ways more invested than I was. While I dragged my feet on saying “I love you” to her (I was never 100% about her in the first place) she decided to tell me that she loved me, was the one to “officially” announce us as a couple, and planned everything we did together. We never fought, had great sex (she was my first), and would talk for hours. Then one weekend she went to a male co-workers get together and ended up staying up late with him into the next day. That Sunday, after a series of distant texts, she basically broke it off with me saying we were not in the same place in our lives and she didn’t see me in her future. The following week was hell since I carried the idea that I just needed to give her space, but the following Tuesday I checked her facebook and discovered she had listed herself as being in a relationship with the same male co-worker, only a week after our breakup. Not only do I feel betrayed and heartbroken, I am left confused as to how to move on from here. I was never fully committed to the relationship like she was, but it’s frustrating that she completely dropped me over the course of a weekend for a guy she works with (who sounds like a real catch since he has an estranged babymama and works for Kohls) . Beyond no contact I don’t know where to go from here, it took me a lot to get myself into dating before her and now I feel like I am back to square one. I’m horrified of being alone and I want to get back into dating, but I’m not sure if there’s anyone out there for me after this one…

  85. Thanks for the great advice….

    The love of my life left me two weeks after saying she’d marry me. AND writing me a very long love letter about how she can’t wait to start a future with me. We were together through high school and college. I moved away for a job so we went long distance for a while, and had some problems. But we fixed them and I caught some of my mistakes early enough that I thought things seemed to be going really well.

    I guess not. Like a light switch she changed and wants space to be with this guy. Thinks I’m completely suffocating her even though I gave her the freedom to go experience whatever it was she wanted.

    I was totally blind-sided since she said all these wonderful things to me right before ending it. This pain has been the most excruciating I’ve ever felt. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

  86. MikenificentVA says:

    Kevin B…

    I just finished reading your post man and I can definitely relate and I must say I’m so glad I came across Jesse’s passage because it would have helped me out a lot had I read it a lot sooner. I was in a VERY LONG DISTANT relationship… America to Australia (btw…peace to Paladinrja who appears to be Australian from the dialogue I read. I love that country and hope to visit again one day and you made very good points.) and we were about 4 months away from me getting there on my prospective marriage visa and she up and left me for another man not even 2 weeks after our break up. I will have to say I did commit some “things you shouldn’t say” crimes and so did she but I was faithful, loyal and woke up to tell her I loved her every morning despite being in a different time zone. Not to mention, had to jump from job to job, unemployment for 2 months and spent 3K to get over there which was nonrefundable only for the “other man” or “friend” to win. Like an idiot, I begged, pleaded and gave it my all to try and save what was, but clearly it wasn’t enough and for months on end I cried and cried asking God “Why?” and was at times feeling suicidal because to Jesse’s point… it was an “addiction.” I’m no where near a saint, but when I have a special woman in my life by no means will I betray her in anyway but she was very selfish and with me being in my 30s going back to the “game” just wasn’t an option so I found myself just putting up with it because I love her and was “addicted.” I will always love her to pieces because any woman that would be willing to fly across the world for me deserves a 2nd chance if this “friend” doesn’t work for her or breaks her heart but the thing is in the mean time I’m not holding my breath. As Paladinrja described there are plenty “birds” out here that you can have fun with to get your mind off of things until you get your confidence back until she returns if it’s meant or until you find one that will be a lot better. I’m a true witness and it will be 5 months tomorrow and she’s already in another relationship to put the dagger in even more, but just being able to be free and focusing on myself has helped tremendously dealing with the rest of the scandalous ones that come my way. As the world turns the tables will eventually as well. Hold your head high homey and don’t change a thing.
    Peace and love.

  87. I was dumped by the girl who i thought would spend the rest of her life with me .
    She dumped me after 5 years of togetherness. Couple of months after dumping me i find out that she is going out with her colleague at work .
    Fast forward 7 years , she is married to that guy and is leading happy life. I got married too ..I would say it happened on a rebound relationship.
    I think about her every other day ,My heart still aches and the pain never went away.

    • I feel for you. My girlfriend left me for a coworker, if you read my above post (towards the top) I tell the story. We were coworkers also at one time. I can’t help but hope it doesn’t work out for her and her new boyfriend but I think they are talking marriage just like we were.

      I was engaged a long time ago (to another girl) and it took me 2 or 3 years to get over her, she is married now and I am happy for her. The good news is I could care less about her. 7 years and you’re still not over her, I suggest you start praying like crazy. God I hope in 7 years I’m over my problem girl. My girl was a user, not sure about yours but maybe you should be happy that you had 5 years. I only had 1 with mine.

      I’m in no contact now (only been 1 week) and I do hope the day will come where she wants me back. Then I can tell her to fuck off and I will be better.

  88. Thank the gods I found this site.
    Here is my tale of woe.
    I was with my partner for the last 7 years. Things with her were amazing damn near the entire time. We were the best of friends. We did everything together. Every day we told each other how much we loved one another. We were as in love at the end of our 7 year relationship as we were in the beginning. Even more so. I trusted her more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. Other couples were envious of us and she was proud of that. We really were that close and we were engaged to be married “any day now”. Nine months ago she applied and was accepted for a new position as a flight attendant with a major airline. I supported her whole heartedly. Her new work schedule was chaotic to say the least. There were some months I would only see her 6-7 days. Regardless, we text and spoke as much as possible throughout the day. There was never any indication that anything was wrong. She told me how much she loved me and what I meant to her right up until the break.
    Her home base was in Detroit and we live in Las Vegas. Because of this, I applied for, and was offered a job in Michigan. We found a house to rent, put down a security deposit and I came home to pack for the move. Two days prior to her flying home to help me move I was feeling a little insecure so I called her. I told her I wasn’t sure we were making the right decision, told her I felt like I was single, told her I wasn’t happy with our living arrangements, etc. She broke down and started crying. The next day she text me and acted as though nothing were wrong but I just couldn’t let it go. She finally told me she wasn’t coming home and to turn down the job. Now I’m in recovery mode and she won’t have any part of it. I’m begging her to come home, she refuses. I dont see her for 6 weeks. In that time she rented her own place in Detroit, opened her own bank acct but while this is going on, she’s still texting, inquiring how I’m doing. Well I start doing everything I’m not supposed to do. Begging, pleading, bargaining, crying. Nothing works. I then find out that she has been talking to some other guy on the phone from the moment she split up with me. He was supposedly an old friend of hers from before our time who is going through his own divorce and just happened to reach out to her in her trying time. When she tells me this over the phone, she then asks me, “would you like me to stop talking to him?” I said yes, we didn’t need any more distractions in our lie and she agrees. Well fast forward about a week later and I pull cell phone records and see she’s still talking to this guy at least 8 times a day and for as long as an hour. I called her on her lies. Lots of screaming and tears and she again agrees to stop talking to him, but says they may continue to text. She then removes me from the cell plan so I cant view the phone records. I ask her to please not talk to him until we have figured out what our plan was. Well I finally get her to agree to go to couples therapy with me but it will take her 10 days to do so because that’s when her next day off is. I schedule the appt and she shows up in town the night before. We meet up at her hotel and she hops in my car. our plan was to get a bite to eat and re aquaint ourselves so therapy wouldn’t be awkward for us. We never even get out of the car. We spend the next 2 hours talking, and she’s crying, and I’m consoling her, and begging her to just give us another chance. She tells me she loves me so very very much and worries about me but she’s not in love with me any more. I asked her if this is what I can expect her to say in therapy? Did she come all this way just to break up with me? She said if the therapist said there was anything worth saving, she would work at it 100%. Well in therapy the next day, she basically tells the therapist that she is only there to make sure I’ll be ok during this break up. She’s also concerned because she still wants to be friends and wants me in her life. I tell her and the therapist there is no way that’s going to happen. If we break up I’m gone for good. She becomes hysterical in therapy. And I’m floored. I feel utterly betrayed. The therapist says that we can indeed fix our relationship, but it’ll take work. As my ex and I are leaving, I ask her if she would be interesting in seeing the therapist further and she agrees. I feel slightly optimistic. I take her back to the hotel and drop her off after saying good bye. Long story short. I found out that she hopped on a plan and flew directly to the city where this other guy lives. I was crushed!!!! I believe she viewed the therapy as the official break without telling me. In her mind that was the point that she would be free. She promised not to talk to the guy until after we explored professional help and once that commitment was satisfied, she was free. That was 4 days ago and I haven’t spoken to her since. I feel such betrayal that I don’t think I could ever come to talk to her again.

  89. 7 years together, and today she tells me she met someone else.

    I feel empty right now, shocked, never saw it coming. I always thought she was the nicest, most trust worthy person I ever met.

    The fact another man is involved, has just made this ten times worse. How do you pick yourself back up from something like this, when you’ve been with somebody for so long that you’ve loved, been with for so long.


    • I’m going through the same thing, was together a year. I explain in a couple of posts above. I’ve had 5 serious relationships in my life and 3 cheated on me, maybe even a 4th. All were hot as hell, I think the hot ones are just too addicted to guys chasing them. Seems like it’s a womans world what a shame. It’s hard to get out of bed because of the pain, it’s around every minute of the day.

      Last weekend was tough because I knew she was with him because she doesn’t have the kids and knowing that she was fucking him. Can’t tell you how sick I was. This weekend will be worse because of Valentines day, especially because we had plans.

      I always bragged to her how strong I am, now it is time to prove it. I suggest you think the same. Keep talking it out and keep reading about cheaters, she will probably do it to him too. Girls move on so easily I’ve seen it a million times with other guys. It all goes back to Adam and Evil. How old is she?

  90. Hey man…im 19 and my girlfriend broke up with me when we started university. We were together for 3 years and i loved her alot. Her parents were really strict and i always had to hide to meet her and stuff and it started off being frustrating at first but i did it bc i loved her. We got comfortable with eachother and like every other couple we argued and stuff bt we always resolved it. It was hard to meet her and we promised eachother that wed spend quality time with eachother in university..we do different degrees and i cldnt help her with work bt there was this guy who was about 3 years older than her whl she talked to. She always told me that she didnt like him and i didnt want to pressure her or get mad bc i wanted to act maturely. She said she didnt have any feelings for him. We had argued in november and she said to me that she think we should end this. She didnt say why but i thought she needed space. So i gave her space and it hurt me so much bc she said that she doesnt love me anymore. I thought she neeeded time and i was planning to win her back. When exams were finished in december, just when i was planning to get back my love,she messaged me and said she has feelings for the same guy that helped her. I felt crushed and i felt as though my world ended. She said she will always have feelings for me and that i was her first everything (first kiss, first time we both had sex etc) i feel betrayed bc i stayed with her when other guys would have left bc not seeing your gf is hard. And then when we could finally be together she falls for some other guy. I know im not perfect but i loved her and she knows it. Other girls seem to be interested in me bt ive always been a shy guy and its seems my ex is all i know…what should i do to get over this heart ache and will i ever get over it? Help please guys thanks so much!

  91. i had a close to 4 year relationship with my ex, until she decided that it was over, just like that. i had to come to help out at work on a day that i am not shceduled, and she thought that i was going out behind her back. she asked me for my facebook and hotmail passwords, wich i refuse to give her, because i have never asked for her passwords and i dont see the necessity to do so. i have nothing to hide, but i still did not find it appropriate when she asked. after saying no to her, she gave me a choice to give all my passwords, or to take my bag of clothes and leave ( i was not living with her, i was at her place ). i have taken the decision to leave, because for once i have decided to stand up for myself.

    i have not heard from her since. i found out though that she has met someone, after 5 months that she ended our relationship. My question is : did she really moved on or she just wants to be with someone because she does not want to be alone ? should i eve bother, or just move on myself ? if someone can give me advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

  92. My girlfriend of six years, who I was engaged to for a month, did exactly this. She met him at her summer job and started talking to him on a friendly basis which I was okay with because work is no fun if you can’t have work friends. After the summer we went back to college where we lived together and everything was fine. We’d laugh, cuddle, have sex, cook together, go on adventures, you name it. Then suddenly she started to act more distant. In the middle of September I noticed the change. She didn’t want to cuddle anymore, we stopped having sex, she was always leaving to go work on projects or do homework with an ex-roommate of ours, she would take hours to text me back when it used to be seconds. I chalked it up to her being stressed out with classes (we’re both seniors and getting ready to graduate in May).

    As September turned to October, the distance continued to grow. It wasn’t from lack of trying to remain close on my part either. I’d do special things, I’d buy her flowers for no reason, I’d cook foods I knew she loved, I even showered with her on multiple occasions to see if I could reignite the spark, but it all failed. In the middle of October, one of our mutual friends turned 21. She went out with her to celebrate (I couldn’t because I had an exam the next morning) and I get a text at 3AM from our mutual friend saying my ex was talking on the phone to her “work friend”. I thought nothing of it because I know we all do funny things when we’re drunk.

    Time goes by and it’s now November. Fed up with the distance that’s grown between us, I do the only thing I can to try to bring us closer: I proposed. She said yes but it wasn’t the classic “Oh my god, YES!!” It was more of a “What are you doing? Why are you doing this now? Do my parents know? *slides ring on finger and nods head after I ask for the 5th time yes or no* “. As soon as we get back to our apartment, she says she has to go show people and is gone for 3 hours. She wouldn’t respond to anybody’s calls or texts. Nobody is still even sure where she went. Fast forward a week later, we’re supposed to have an engagement dinner with her parents. I show up to go to dinner, no parents, she’s crying, she says she’s not sure if she loves me the same way anymore and wants to have some time to “figure herself out”. She follows that by saying she always wants to be apart of my life and she’ll “never leave me” and that she just needs to figure out what she wants to do with her future in terms or education, career, etc. I accept and give her her space. 3 weeks later our mutual friend from above calls me and tells me that she caught my ex at a bar with the guy from work. I call her out on it and she pulls the “he’s just a friend” card. So I dig deeper and find out what she’s been doing and confront her. She said she wasn’t sure if she had feelings for him and that is isn’t fair to me for us to be together because she “couldn’t give her all to [me] because of these feelings”. So she gave me back my ring and said she hoped we could be friends and maybe try us out again later but that right now she “needs to focus on her classes and herself”.

    That was 3 weeks ago. In the past 3 weeks, I come to find out she’s not focusing on herself, but focusing on her new man. Imagine that! I also learned that this new guy is a complete waste of space. He’s been arrested multiple times, just got off probation for a DUI, is a confirmed and habitual womanizer, and yet my ex is falling for all of his tricks. She still tells me she loves me and cares about me and I even offered her a second chance, but she lied and said the whole “focus on myself” crap again. Her parents, myself, and everybody else who knows this new guy have tried to warn her about what she’s getting into, and she just alienates us all. Even all of our mutual friends say she won’t talk to them anymore.

    I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but I was pretty much the perfect guy for her. We both had the same sense of humor. We both pushed each other to be the best person we could be. I was sweet, caring, endearing, adventurous, and spontaneous. I worked my ass off in school and locked down a job making $70k+ right out of college so she could be a stay at home mom like she told me she always wanted. Every major life decision I’ve made had been for her. But now she’s throwing it all away for some guy everybody knows is going nowhere in life. Everybody that truly cares about her is pissed off at her because she doesn’t realize what she’s doing. I want to feel sorry for her, I really do. But at this point, she pretty much deserves to get her heartbroken by this douche bag so she can realize she’s made the biggest mistake of her life.

    If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I know it’s just a sob story, but it feels good to let it all out!

    • Think only about yourself. And… kick her from Your life. Don’t waste time and Your life for person like she.

      This is my advice after all experience with women.

    • Paladinrja says:

      You gotta have a reality check of the self man. Don’t think about what you are or are not to her, just think about what you will say to the next bird that shows an interest in you? or you really will be that guy you imagine yourself to be. One that is between relationships for long periods of time.

      I’m a mature bloke and my young bird decided to move on a couple of months ago. She’s doing some very self destructive things and she just up and left suddenly when we split. Thats life. I could see it coming but because she split on me emotionally or physically three times before (never for long) I told her the last time, that if it happens again I will not pursue or continue the relationship. Sure I am concerned for her, but only to a point, the point where she doesn’t get the wrong idea about why I still bother.

      These chicks that need a man handler to stay in a relationship and call it attractive/exciting aren’t worth the effort. Get a dog, you’ll get more satisfaction. Any bird that isn’t independent is most likely a waste of time. An independent women is emotionally sound and able to translate their feelings into logic. Its not about income or life status but real smarts. Young women whom are obviously not very life experienced tend to bounce out of bad habits and try shit with a more mature guy, but at the end of the day, their maturity lasts about as long as it takes for them to get bored. Remember fellas, 25 is the new 18, she’s a child pretending to be a woman who’ll whinge about how you “let her go”.

      I could go round that dipshits house, bang his silly little boys head against my shoes to tap out the mud and tell the chick to get home and she would do it. But truth is the moment she lost me was the moment she disappeared from the relationship (this happens whilst they are still involved with you). This is because she lost all sense of herself and objectivity by being too giving, too fast and not seeking emotional, mental and physical parity with her maturer partner. Older women can do that too if they are emotionally inexperienced. Truth is ya gotta stay ahead of the game, ya think ya can’t live without them but fact is ya can. Problem is some of them can be fucking hard to get rid of because they develop this strivance to make their breakup more meaningful than the fact they just wanna fuck someone else and get off their face. I don’t even care to label that.

      Remember scholars, one person walks out the door and the other shuts it behind them, remember to smile.

      • I am 38 and my ex-girlfriend just turned 25, I don’t see a problem with the age difference but her step dad is 38 and she keeps comparing me to him. Also she has several younger sisters and they all keep telling her that I am too old.

        Last summer she started telling me about this guy she works with, I used to work with her, that is how we met but she always said I didn’t need to worry because he is 5’2″ she is 5’8″, I’m 5’10”.

        Anyway a month ago she told me they went out as friends, I was pissed but she had me convinced it was nothing, then later she told me she was with him again but still swore it was nothing. I believed her because we were and had been talking marriage, I own my own house and she does have two kids, she has been wanting to move in but my brother just got divorced and lives with me but only until this summer of 2015.

        Last weekend she made up an excuse not see me and I knew she was with him, I finally got her to admit it and that she has had sex with him. That practically killed me, we’ve been together a year, she is an exceptional looking girl even with the two kids and has an unbelieable personality. It always did bother me that at moments she thought she was too good looking. For the life of me I can’t figure out what she sees in this midget with bright red hair. He is 24 and I am 38 other than that I could break him in half.

        She went from talking about love, life, marriage and family with me to now she is doing it with him. We have not talked or text in one week today.

        I don’t think this guy has any money (not sure) and I have been helping her with her bills but that has only been the last few months. I did not help her before that other than a couple bucks. I just can’t believe this has happened and the pain is 24/7.

        I really feel like putting a beating on this guy. I just wish this pain would go away and after reading your post I thought maybe you might have some advice for my situation. Thanks DC.

        • Robert Jones says:

          I don’t think you realize how lucky you are… I know you don’t want to hear this (read this)… but you own your own place.. I assume you have a job that sports this place of yours… You are really in a great place right now. Sure, maybe lonely… perhaps distraught.. But overall, you don’t realize that you’ve practically mimicked the matrix (like I had two years ago), dodging bullets. I wish you the best. Most of all.. I hope you don’t fall for her bs anymore. Stay true to yourself. I can guarantee that no one… Not one person in this universe has your best interests at heart, more than yourself. Take care mate.

          • El Bambino says:

            I just went through a similar situation. Chick I was dating made me feel like her affection to me was real. For once “Love Song” made sense to me. I was living a dead life until I met her. Im 28 and she is 23. I met her at work. After 3 months, I was in love and I thought she felt the same way. But she left me for a guy at work she was previously dating but broke things off because of something he did. Though she was with me, something I felt was off and I asked her about the other guy and she lied saying nothing was going on. She ended us after 3 months saying I dont communicate with her enough, which was an excuse. I saw things between them at work I didnt like and I confronted her, and she still lied, and I trusted her. SHe kept leading me on until I caught them in an intimate moment in a room at work. It broke me, and I grabbed my stuff and quit my job. I couldnt take the pain anymore. Everything at work reminded me of her. This happened three weeks ago, and it hurts 24/7. I did not deserve it because my intentions were honest, I wanted her. I wanted all of her, but I was used and discarted and she didnt care about how I felt. I feel mostly angry because I let myself be fooled, mostly to prove I cared about her. But it was a mistake, caring about her. I forgive her though. I got my job back but was relocated to another location. I still see her boyfriend who also works where I had been relocated, who pisses me off because he acts like he has something on me, but I dont show emotion and play it off like I dont give a fuck. I could break him in half if I wanted to, but that does nothing for me and is pointless. She hasnt messaged me ever since.

          • Justin Cross says:

            This is EXACTLY what happened to me…literally EXACTLY…except with mine, it last right about the same time, 3 1/2 month, and it broke me for awhile, we actually had had a miscarriage during that time…she was emotionally not there…and we were going through our first strand of harsh issues as a still fresh couple, she brings communication back with a *friend* from work amidst our trouble..and I catch the communication between them with him saying things like *good night beautiful, sweet dreams and sleep well* at 1am in the morning while with me..she had changed her password so I couldn’t get into the phone which when she was all for us, she had nothing to hide and I had her password willingly and didn’t feel the need to check..saw his message come in one night and respectfully and un-angrily asked if I could see the texts and how they communicate…We met at my job, and she was all about me in the beginning, pursued the shit out of me…and had something with this guy previously but didn’t pursue him because he acts like a child and doesn’t have goals for his life, while I do..I know shes an exceptional girl in a lot of ways, but she has self destructive tendencies, and in short, she wouldn’t just talk to me and let me know that we shouldn’t be together at that time, she instead left me emotionally and attached herself to him..If I’m to be honest, I don’t want it to work with him because of how everything ended..but I keep my mouth shut and let it be what it is for the moment…I will be working with her at the end of October and have no idea how that will go…but I guess I will find out….I see your post here was 7 months ago, how did your situation turn out? did she ever talk to you again?

          • Justin Cross says:

            Did your ex ever try to get back in touch with you by now? or never spoke to you again?

          • Hell no, man. To this day she has not texted or called me. I have not seen or heard from her since. Even after I left that job in May for a career, she didnt even call or text to say “Congrats.” She doesn’t give a fuck, haha. She never did, because her heart is with her ex. She chose him, not me. I was her rebound. She used me and when the time was right again, disposed of me. That’s what I get for putting all my eggs in one basket. It’s embarrasing because all my coworkers found out about it, making us the hot topic for weeks, but I’m happy now. Cautious, of course, but I’m happy I went throught it because I learned many lessons from it. My advise to you, be the better man and cut off all ties. Change jobs if you have to. If you cant, keep things professional. Last thing you need is a harrassment complaint. You suspect something is going on, that’s your intuition. Listen to it. That’s what I didn’t do and look what happened. I went through 3 months of hell for it. I also learned a very important lesson too: Don’t shit where you eat.

          • Justin Cross says:

            I feel you man…I doubt mine will want to talk to me anytime either, I mean I wont say never…life and time especially a good amount of it, has a way of changing things in people…but I wont worry about it…I wont say mine was a situation where she directly chose the guy,he was definitely filling a void, and she was definitely thinking of what it would be like in a relationship with him at the very least…she chose me first when he was already an option…but when communication came back between them, and she tried to hide the way they were talking in the texting, I couldn’t just let it go…Of course she claimed I was the bad guy, and that I *tried to control the friendship* blah blah…but in the end she was self-centered, didn’t truly care about how I felt at all, and just did what the hell she wanted to do to make herself feel better..I dumped her technically..but it was a tactic to get her to stop talking to him the way that she was..or lose me..well instead that back fired..she deleted me off her friends list at the time on FB, never blocked me though, and withing that first week, she baited me by changing her relationship status from single to *in a relationship* even though she wasn’t official with him yet…it was to get a reaction out of me…of course I did react, and that backfired as well, she played it like a game, and was quite cruel in the wording as we spoke about it..about a week and a half later, she messaged me after I poured my heart out with the traditional *i miss you, and is there a chance for us* type message, she waited a day, but did message..was curious about whats going on with me…but cut the conversation kinda short..the next week I start seeing pictures of her and this guy together on his social media…and I confronted her via messager, told her I thought it was fucked up and that I guess she always wanted him blah blah, and that there was no chance for us to work out even if she did want to come back..she read it, but didnt respond…a week later, I sent her a heart felt email, wishing her well, telling her I will always in some way care about her and that one day I hope we could make amends…the next day, she messaged about something i left at her house, was nice about it at first, but that her mother was gonna set it outside for me to grab it and that she would not be there when I came, (of course she was at the other guys house no doubt)..but the conversation went south because I made it known by the way I spoke that I had intentions on seeing her as I went by…backfired in my face again..I told her it wasnt a good time to go get my stuff anyway, and she said if it was there in the morning it would be tossed..I didnt go get it and just said fuck it..I dumped her on July 25th…she had spent almost every day with the other guy and on August 19th, less than a month, all that which i just typed had happened in that time, and she became *official* on social media with him…now, Sept. 18th…both of their profile pics are of each other together, her and I havnt spoken since that conversation about me picking up my stuff from her house..and I dont know if i ever truly will hear from her again…which is sad because I cared about this one..she made me feel loved in the beginning and pursued me hard as fuck even when I was hesitant..much like shes cold and callused to me..and its sad because we lost a baby together during that time

          • Some important wisdom here:

            1. Listen to your intuition
            2. Be honest about your situation
            3. Cut off all ties
            4. Don’t mix work and relationships

    • Kevin B, man I know exactly how you feel as I have just gone through the EXACT same patten.. almost to the dot.

      I thought she was “the one”. We did the exact same thing with exclusive jokes, pushed each other, etc. I was also sweet, caring, endearing, adventurous, and spontaneous. We did a lot of things that she liked. I also worked my butt off to provide the living for her that she wanted. We were weeks away from buying our first home together, starting school (university), etc.. and then poof. It’s like it’s not even the same person I’ve known for years.

      I’ve also got the exact same line of…. “I still love and care about you”. I too even offered her a second chance, but she lied and said the whole “focus on myself” crap as your ex. We both know what they were really focusing on…. The question I asked myself was, how can someone “love and care” do things like that? That’s not love or care. If anything it’s pain, the feelings of ungratefulness, betrayal, etc.

      After reading many articles and talking to close friends, I have made the decision for myself to move on. I focused on the things I learned from the relationship to improve myself and to continue looking for that special someone. If she is really happy with that new guy then great for her, if she’s not – well then hopefully she learned her lesson. If I’m still available at the time and assuming she really did learn her lesson, I MIGHT consider giving the relationship another try.

    • Shashank Sharma says:

      Exact same story my friend.

    • Sayanth Sundar says:

      The same thing gappened to me bro….but am younger nd to u..and ya we wer n togtht for 2 years….she was my first love(she had some non serious type relations b4)…..when we wer in 12th we loved each other nd cared so much….after 12 we both admitted in differant colleges nd after a month of the college days…she shows some kind of distance to me….when i asked she said nothing…..wheand i leaved that by believng dat….this feelng was only bcz of my posessiveness nd ol…..during a casual talk i asked her about her guy friends in college….she said some guys name nd said one of them a guy proposed her….(in her college evryone know about her relation)nd lso told me dat..every gilrs…blame dat guy…for proposing her nd they blame him dat he ‘z trying to separate her from me….when i heard dat i took it as a joke…but after serveral days…the distance increases nd..she started showing some kind of behaviour dat..shez not the same nd her feelngs for me z not same………..den i asked wot gapnd to u nd ol…..she was like brain washed…and she tell me dat…she likes dat guy…nd ya she is more confirtable wth him…..i was SHOCKED TO DEATH…when i heard dat…..nd as naturally i bcm angry….afta some talks ..nd ask her to chose me or him…….nd she said “i cnt leave him”…yea she said to me indirectly…dat….the guy she had known for merely 3 weeks is morr important than me…who was with her all past 2 years:(…my heart was broke in to trillion pieces……..i cut all contact with her…..nd ya now i realise that … life is far better than b4 when she was with me:)now i love my own slef more dan i ever did…..nd ya am cobfident bcz i deserve btr girl dan her….bcz am good looking and and a person havng wise heart than her :)….life is a show wateva matters….SHOW MUST CONTINUE 😉 🙂

    • Hey man, you were perfect guy for her indeed.

    • Robert Jones says:

      I wanted to read your story… because mine mirrors your experience oh….so well. I hope you have learned to move on. Six years is awhile. I lost mine (mirrored image of your story) except I still don’t know any details. And she cut off everyone she knew too… That was two years ago. My story’s up top (above yours). Email me if you want. I’m interested in how you’re doing now.

    • Sai Niño says:

      Thanks you for posting this, this post may be very old but I am currently experiencing the exact same thing with you as my girlfriend. Right now it has only been 3 days since I found out that she lied to me and is seeing another guy. I kept thinking what I should do, which was leaning on forgiving her and giving her another chance. Even the guy is the same as your story who is a douche. This post made me decide that I should move on with my life, even though it is very very very hard right now. I still see her face everytime I close my eyes. I just want to know how to move on now and it just seems very hard to do.

      • Erick Cano Sosa says:

        Look man, I can´t really say that I’m complitely over my ex who happens to be the mother of our child, she left me about 8 months ago for a step-brother she had just met a day before leaving home, that’s right, just one day before. She was with this no-job, drug-dealing guy for about 3 months living with her mom and stepfather, through that period of time she ocassionally sent e-mails asking if I was doing ok and shit, I knew she wasn’t happy with the guy and just ignored her which apparently pissed her off a lot, after breaking up with the guy she comes back and tells me I was the reason of her breakup ’cause whe was still in love with me and that she had made a terrible mistake, bla bla. I decided to give it a try for our son but I just couldn’t get out of my mind all the things she obviously did with him, all the pain that I suffered over the last months, all the broken promises, all the deceit, I didn’t trust her one bit anymore, so one day when she was taking a shower my instinct tells me she’s fooling around, so I check her phone and I realize she’s been talking to a lot of guys and making it seem like she’s single. I obviously dumped her and all she could ever say about it was that she didn’t knew why she kept doing that, that she likes men’s attention, it is really hard for me to digest the fact that my ex wife is a whore, I mean she’s the mother of my son, it’s been really fucking tough but, it is not the end of it, I can’t say that I’m doing well but I’m not doing that bad either and that’s how I can tell that I’m on the right path towards a complete recovery and I know you’ll be just fine. Just concentrate on doing stuff that you like, maybe find a new hobby, I know I did, it really helped me, go out there and meet new people, before you know it you will stop thinking about her as much as you do right now, stay true and remember how lucky you are to have yourself.

  93. my girlfriend broke up with me a couple weeks ago over text. we both had a lot in common and i felt like she was the one. when she broke up with me i asked her if she liked this one kid bcuz i really hated him and he was a dbag. he was even hitting on her when we were dating. she told me, “no i just like him as a friend.” this made me feel a little better. a couple days later, i find out that shes dating the guy that i asked her if she liked. when i found out, my heart dropped. i wad frozen. my mind was clear. i just stared at the wall. then i just mentally collapsed. i felt a flurry of emotions. i was furious, pissed, outraged, a little sad, and confused. i also felt betrayed. it was the worst feeling ive ever had in my whole life (except for titty twisters those hurt like a mofo). i texted my best friends which i shouldnt have cuz theyve never been through this experience but props to them for trying to give me advice. i just felt terrible. i talked to my friends about it and i called my ex bad things like “bitch” and “hoe” etc. i was so pissed at her for this. i could never forgive her. this kid that shes dating made fun of me and stuff like that. i told myself that im done with her. forever. it was unforgivable. i just had so much rage inside me. i punched my walls in my room and kneed them (i accidentally put a dent in my wall). i thought i could trust her but i guess you just cant trust some people.

  94. Me & my GF have been together for a year. Then, just out of nowhere, like it was no big deal, she dumped me. She said we’d be better off as friends!?!?! Now, she doesn’t talk to me! My friends always involve her in any conversation possible! My “friend”, likes her & she likes him. She’s literally encouraging him to ask her out. TOTAL BULLSHIT!!! Can’t believed he’d do that!!! Now it’s McKenzie & Brandon!!!

    • I’m 13!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That, that, that, uuuggghhhhh!!!

    • Kyle Coonerty says:

      This had happened to me she called me and said its about our realtionship but she couldnt say it to me but had to tell someone else other than me and while she told them she started crying. I was getting messages the we can just be friends and only cause i lived abit far from her and liked someone else. which now i feel like she was a big waste of time and all our memorys just were a big waste of time

    • That friend of yours is a piece of shit man…uuuugggggghh

    • That friend of yours is a busted man…uuuugggggghh

  95. Me and my girlfriend for 6 years broke up last month. She has been seeing another guy when she’s still with me. They text each other everyday and they flirt to each other but when I asked her she said they are just friends. But pretty soon later, she told me that she’s numb in this relationship, there are no more sparks. She want me to let her go so I granted her wish. I couldn’t eat and sleep for 2 weeks! My whole world collapsed! After few days we broke up, she start dating this guy. I’m in NC now. She did tried to reach me during the NC period but I just ignore her. I miss her so much and I love her still and I want her in my life! I don’t know what should I do now. Is she in a rebound relationship? Please give me some advise guys. Thank you so much! Cheers

    • CodeCracker says:

      I have been there bro. Let me share you some facts. She practiced the breakup in her head 100 times before she actually did. In this kind of scenarios often girl find another support first then start comparing and end up putting their logic that they are good with new guy because they thinks that new guy is reset button for relationship. After break up they dont want you to go away but at same time they want to move on. They often use you for this and make sure that what you think and if you think its wrong and if you try to resolve the issues then they get confirmation that they are doing write. So why she is doing so. She just want a clear exit. For that they show that they still care for you and when you think to step forward towords them they just push you away. You just do one thing, just say to her that you are agree to her decision and tell that you just stay happy. (dont say this emotionally or with anger just with passive tone) and go into no contact immediately. And make sure she doesn’t receive any update related to you. Just disappear from her life. This will make confusion in their mind and they take time to move on to next boy. Dont satisfy her queries, dnt let her share what she thinks. Just run away. By doing so you will get remarkable results. One more thing she is selfish, self-centered, and does not want any blame. Dont give her those satisfactions that she need. You just move on. Trust me. You can do this and its hard but worth doing. Best luck. And dont worry. She will realize everything and that time believe me you will reject her. But for all this you first need to move on she is not good for you.

      • Man this a great advice it does work cheers

      • Cheese Louis says:

        Legendary! :0

      • Kangsa Oroo says:

        I’m in the same shoe and I find it hard to move on. Sometimes I just don’t get it. Why let a 3rd character in this game. If there’s no spark left we can either fix it or let go in better terms instead of leaving behind a nuclear weapon. I just don’t understand why. 🙁

    • Hi dave, very sorry to here what has happened to you personally, it isnt nice but i tell you my friend you have nothing to worry about although it seems impossible at first. Im very glad you have done the nc rule because that seriously messes,with a girls head, they will be thinking oh ive not heard from him, has he sumone else has he moved on etc, the thing you have to do is love yourself as much as you can do and try to socialise to get you out in the big world, you have to understand that for a girl to do what she has done means she has low self asteem, she is vunerable and she is afraid of being by herself hence getting with the other man.
      My girlfriend of three years left me two months ago for a twat she went work with, my partner left work before he did but i always new something was not right, it ripped my heart to bits but im slowley putting the bits back together again, me and my ex have a 6 month old son and she still did the shit behind my back though she keeps denying it and two days ago at my dads, i seen my son so obviously my ex was there and she was staring at me for most of the day and she ended up rushing over to me and gave me a full snog, i do not no what that was about to be honest but it happened.
      What you must do now as its a few week later is take yourself away for a weekend or a week and clear your mind because you will come back a brand new person and change your appearance and i tell you now when your ex did ever see you again you will be the complete opposite of how she thinks you are, you the top man dude and we are the stronger ones out the Male and female sector, i find its always easier for a women to move on because most men will accept some girl if there pritty enough, no offence ladies i no your not all the same….fact…..blokes do get dumped more than women on the percentage of 78%men 22%women.
      And just remeber your not alone im going through it to lol
      Take care and all the best for your bright future.

    • Cheese Louis says:

      This sh*t breaks my heart man. :'(
      I understand how you feel. I was sad and enraged when my ‘girlfriend’ left me. Seems like these women aren’t good for anything at all. xD

    • Hello Guys,

      My story is complex and long. It is full of manipulation and foolish moves on my part, but what he think is love, especially first love, can turn a man into a fool. If you have the patience, read on…

      A few years before I met her, I had been living in a major US city in the North, surrounded by good friends and lots of things to do. I was working as a research technician at the time, and I almost instantly formed many bonds both inside and outside of my department. On any given night, a beer with friends, a bite at a restaurant, or watching a game was only a phone call away. Plus, I was very into road cycling, and there were several other guys in my department who were always down for a ride. I had never been very confident around women, but I had a sort of quirky outgoing way with people and a good sense of humor, which helped me make many friends, though no girlfriends.

      It had been a lifelong goal of mine to pursue a doctorate, and after four years as a research technician, I applied to PhD programs. I was accepted to several programs, and I narrowed it down to two; one which was less famous, but where I knew I would be happy, and one which was very famous, but was in an area that simply did not appeal to me. I would like to say that I have lived my life without regrets, but I settled on fame over happiness, and soon found myself living in an area that I simply hate! Moreover, I never clicked with the people in my new program, as they have very different interests from mine, and I soon found myself feeling very isolated and depressed. The outgoing and quirky me seemed to fade away, leaving only a shell of my former self behind. After a year of this, I finally made a single friendship in Stevo. He had moved here with his wife from New Zealand to pursue post-doctoral studies, and we quickly hit it off. They introduced me to a woman whom I shall simply call “M”. “M” was a British expat who had recently moved to the area for her job at an investment bank. She was beautiful, witty, and had a British accent that could melt your heart. We soon started seeing each other, but the relationship was complex from the very beginning.

      “M” had a troubled past. She had grown up in London, but her family were imagrants from a Muslim country, and held strong beliefs and traditional values, which as an agnostic, she simply did not share. Furthrmore, a few years before expatriating, she had left a mairrage with a basket case of a man who had been both physically and emotionally abusive to the extreme. She was so afraid of this man, that when he had begun to berate her family, going so far as to beat her father who had cancer and was on chemo at the time, she stood by him for fear of the consequences of crossing him. Her family disowned her for this, but had re-established contact after her divorce. Since her adolescence, “M” had never believed in her parents religion, and had lived a double life. This only intensified after her move to the US. You see guys, “M” was a chameleon. To her parents, she was the good Muslim girl who prayed five times a day and fasted during Ramadan. However, in reality “M” drank, dated white guys, and did countless other things that were far from inline with the Muslim faith. This was the “M” that I fell in love with.

      I was very hesitant to start dating “M”, and rightly so. However, many of these complexities would not surface for months into the relationship. Furthermore, it would take me years to truly appreciate the extent of her “anxiously attached” pattern with men. The relationship was very happy for the first year, we had a great deal in common, and fell madly in love. She was my best friend, and given my lonely and, frankly, needy state, she seemed like the answer. I moved in, and we would live together for several years before things fell apart. However, from the time that I moved in to the bitter end, there were red flags and compromises all along the way.

      The first red flag was the fact that she was keeping me a secret from her parents. When they called, I would have to be silent. She always promised that she would tell them about me when the time came, but as the years went by, this seemed more and more like some fairytale. She would always tell me that we were already living like married people, and we would cross that hurdle when the time came. Sometimes, I would protest. However, this would throw her into a fit, and she would accuse me of not believing that she loved me.

      The second red flag was when she asked me to convert for her, explaining that she already knew the pain of being disowned, and her family would never speak to her again if she married a non-Muslim. She explained that I could be like her, not really believing or living like a Muslim, but putting on a show like many “Catholics”. I would like to say that I refused and stood by my principles, but I was whipped and so desperately clinging to this relationship that I would do anything not to loose it; anything not to feel lonely again. I thought that this act would finally push things along, but it did not. We flew to London together, and I was supposed to meet her family. However, not only did I not meet them, she waited until my last day there to even tell them about me, never mentioning to them that I was in the city. From then, things never moved ahead. Each time that I brought it up, she would tell me that arguing with them would have to wait until her next visit. Each time she visited, the argument would be about the fact that she wanted to marry someone of her choosing, but not about the guy that she had lined up.

      The next set of red flags would vividly establish her “anxiously attached” pattern with men. When she had gotten divorced, she had already lined up the next guy. Having been disowned and having no one to keep her from doing otherwise, she ran away with him. However, he was a real scumbag, and used her for sex before swiftly exiting the scene. I was willing to excuse this at the time; she was alone, just out of a hellish mairrage, and vulnerable. However, I was not willing to forgive her for the way that she lied to me about Graham. “M” had met Graham on the plane ride to the US. When she told me about him early on, she presented it as just a few innocent dates that had fizzled out. Not only that, these were the most casual of casual dates. She told me that she had not even liked him. However, about a year into the relationship, I asked her some probing questions. What I found out, is that they had dated for months. Despite what she had told me, she had really liked him and wanted it to be more serious, but in the end, he had just been using her. Moreover, they had been sleeping together just weeks before we started seeing each other, and she was still trying to contact him when we had first started dating. I felt betrayed, and briefly left her. However, this relationship had become my identity, and after she called me again-and-again, and after one tear filled meeting, I took her back. Things would never be the same after that deceit, and I would never see her in the same light. Still, I stuck around.

      There were many other manipulation a along the way, and yet still, I would just take them all. Soon, I found myself doing nearly all of the dishes, most of the cooking, most of the cleaning, dropping my plans for her, etc. I had once been exceptionally fit, able to ride over one hundred miles in a day, but partly due to exhaustion, partly due to depression, I gained forty pounds over those three years. I was never able to explore my own interests, always having to cater to her needs. I never asked myself whether I was happy, instead focusing all of my energy on her happiness. Then, she lost attraction.

      I am convinced that my attending to her every need and bending to her every whim made her loose attraction for me. She was staying with me only until she could find someone new. Then, the new guy came along. She would not tell me about him until it was far too late, but she left me for him. After she had asked me to move out, she started playing mind games. I would never call her, but she would call me several times a week, sometimes sobbing about having dumped me. Then, she insisted that I come by one day to pick up a few things that I had left behind. They were the most absurd things to pick up: a few old magazines, a forgotten rain poncho that had cost all of $5 at CVS, a pair of contacts, and two crumpled band aids. She was cooking for someone, and was acting strangely aloof, but clearly wanting me to ask about it. She reminded me three times that she was cooking on a schedule, and seemed to want me to ask questions. I didn’t take the bait. Two days later, she called me. She sobbed for ten minutes about the breakup, saying that she had “done bad things”. Then, she told me that I should start seeing other people, because she had a new boyfriend. I told her that I thought that that was “fucked up”, seeing as how she had only been out of a three year long relationship for a month and a half. It turns out, while she had not slept with him while we were together, she had been part timing with this guy from work. Just like the guy after her divorce and me after Graham, she had this guy lined up before she split with me. I cut contact then. We have not exchanged so much as a text since. One of her friends confronted her about the new guy. She wouldn’t say a thing.

      I was doing so well with this breakup. I was back on my bike and working out, loosing weight, eating right, trying new things. However, since then, it’s like I’ve fallen apart. I don’t sleep much, I feel betrayed. I find myself waking up to the most perverse thoughts, knowing that she’s defiling the bed that we shared for years with him. I feel angry!

      As much as I can see that this girl was toxic, as much as I can see how she manipulated and used me, how I bent to her every whim, I also find myself thinking of the good times. Things trigger memories… We traveled a lot together, and seeing a picture of somewhere that we went send memories playing through my head like a movie. There are also all of the places here that remind me of her. Again, I hate this place, and nearly all of my good memories here involve her.

      More concerning, there are the self destructive aspects. I started cycling a decade ago to force myself to quit smoking. After the breakup, I was working out and on the bike to make sure I didn’t start again. However, since that phone call, it’s been a couple of cigarettes every day. I know it’s terrible for me, but I feel like my life is in shambles, and I just can’t seem to pull myself out of the mess. I want to get back on the bike, never smoke again, but try as I might, I’m an anxious mess and just can’t motivate myself.

  96. I’m 12 and I’m reading this ps my life went to shit on Tuesday because the love of my life left me four a 8th grade boy like wtf.

  97. Hey Jesse,

    Thanks for the article. It has really helped as a motivation for me to stop thinking about what happened recently. My girlfriend of almost 5 years broke up with me last Monday. We had had an on and off relationship toward the beginning, but we had been together for almost 2 or 3 consecutive years before this break up. Every time we had broken up in the past, it was her leaving and citing that she was unsure about things.. But she always ended up coming back to me and asking if I wanted to give it another chance. I always took her back and gave her everything that I could. This girl meant everything to me and, at some point, I think I meant everything to her too. But recently (over the past few months), I had noticed that she had been more distant than in the past. We wouldn’t text, call, or skype as much. We spent a lot of time over the summer together since we both worked the same job and I went with her and her family on vacation twice. I thought that everything was fine and dandy. I’m already kind of used to her being distant at times. She told me that she isn’t a very affectionate person but still loved me.

    I am a sophomore at the University of Maryland and she is a junior at a private college about an hour away from me by car. I don’t have a car on campus so whenever I visited her, I would take a train and then a light rail to see her. It was a 3 hour commute that way and fairly expensive.. But I didn’t care, I was happy to see her. So I would visit about once every 2 weeks last year. This year, I had only visited twice (once at the end of september and once just last week before the breakup). I would always be the one going back to see her and she seemed really happy to see me. Just last weekend before the breakup, we were having a great time at a party together.

    But when I asked her if she was still happy with me the day after I had arrived back at school, she told me that she didn’t know. She said she still loved me and that I was her best friend. She talked to her friend and decided not to do anything for a little bit. But she called me the day after to break up. She didn’t seem distraught at all over the phone.. Not even a hint of regret or sadness. I was just barely holding myself together. I didn’t beg or plead… I just kind of accepted it at the time and didn’t argue. She and I agreed to not talk for a little bit so we could both have some time. But I couldn’t take it and called her the day after and we agreed that we can talk again.

    I had been planning how to win her back until last night. Last night, she told me that she had a date with a guy for later this week… It killed me to hear it. It made me angry and sad and jealous. She said that she wanted me to hear it from her before I heard it from someone else. She said that she swears she hasn’t moved on that quickly.. But that she had already moved on a few months ago… During our relationship. I never knew that the girl who I loved and gave everything I could to had already checked out of the relationship but kept it going for months.. I just can’t believe that she already has a date just 11 days after our breakup.. It makes me wonder if I’m really that expendable.

    Thank you,

    Another Hopeful Romantic

    • sumit bhagat says:

      Hi Andy,
      When i was reading your story on that time i thought that i am reading my own story there is only one difference which is i was in a relationship for more then of 4.5 years where 2.5 years we spent together as she came to my place only for me because i was working in another place so she came to there for purpose of study actually she came for me only she used to tell me this thing always.During our 4.5 year of realtionship there were not a single day where we could not speak,we used to speak on daily even if we had fight still we had a good bonding.But on october this year she brokeup with me for another guy on that time i was not talking to her for more then 5 days and during this day she found that gut i was wonder how could she done this thing with me.She told me that she still love me but she has a also feeling for that guy. I was jealous angry i did not understand what to do as i loved her a lot.So finally i told her i am not gonna to talk with you and be happy,and as of now we have never spoken i used to talk with her friend and her friend tell me that she still remember me and always talk about me.I am confuse whether i should talk to her friend or not,but this time there is no would in my chest but still i have a pain which i cant see only feeling hope you would understans.

      • Stick to no contact my man, you’re on the right track. The feelings with pull you back, that’s what they’re designed to do. But she moved on, and you should too.

        • sumit bhagat says:

          Hi jesse thanks for the reply your advise really boosted me and your articles are so motivated.But i need one suggestion from you.My girlfriend called me on yesterday and crying and was telling me that she does not have any feeling for that guy she remembers all the time we spent together and i think she wants to come back in my life.We both have cheated to each other i also slept with another women when i was in a relation with my girlfriend and she also dated another guy when she was in a relationship with me. We both have loved each other and now after 2.5 months of our breakup she wants to come back and now i am confuse what to do when i listen to my heart it says come back and give it another chance but when i listen to my mind it says no do not go again if she can cheat you now so she can cheat you in future as well and also my lots of friends says after breakup if you do patch up it do not runs. Please advise me what to do?

    • Unfortunately you’re not the first person who this happens to. Turns out, we’re incredibly “opportunistic” in our relationships, especially someone that is anxiously attached.

      We can appear and even feel committed to our current partner, but if something seemingly “better” comes along, we have wiring to take advantage of that situation.

      Part of the problem is that someone that is able to change gears that abruptly is probably not worth your time, let alone your love. But another part of the solution is not sacrificing your own values for her or for the relationship. Paradoxically, putting her before yourself will make her lose respect and could trigger this kind of behavior. I speak out of experience.

  98. My girlfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. But we still live together and worst is we work together too. I accepted of who she is. She had 2 past bad relationship before and got two kids on her first. I accept her and love her uncondionally.. But something is wrong, everything i do for her is not enough, she want more of it. I change for her, i made her my world and gave everything for her, i dont even care for my own happiness as long as she is happy im happy too.. I know that she love me, she want to have a future with me and she said that im the man she want to marry. She worry about me she cries for me. But i still feel weird, something is wrong, i dont know if she is saying the truth or she is just using as an option. She is more happy when she is with her friends most specially with her male friends. And when she is with me she look bored and not happy. I ask her why she is like that, but she keep lying and saying crappy words. Until one day she told me that she dont love me anymore and not happy too. Its killing me seeing her everyday at the apartment and at work.. I dont know if i have to move out or i ask her to move out, i still worry about her she cannot afford ro pay for a rent.

    • Paladinrja says:

      Thats her problem man, tell her to fuck off, she made her bed. Believe me, women are very income oriented. Most girls think you owe them because the relationship fails, they want it all back and to be honest quite a few guys get that petty too. Fact is, when you are split, you are split that means everything down the middle and your first action should be to seek your own place. Trust me, a change of scenery (even if you gotta go a couple of weeks without cash in your pocket) will make the world of difference. Just find that new space and don’t let her know where it is. Its your space. With all the stuff you do at home, should keep you happy for a couple of weeks till you get cashed up again and whatever you do. Do not bring chicks home til you are ready to have that space invaded. Go to their place instead.

    • Man kick her the fuck out trust me if you did a lot for her don’t worry about anything now you deserve better you’ll find a better person who’ll appreciate the things you do for her.

  99. Robert Sam says:

    Great article !! I am living the exact same thing she lef me a month ago because I started drinking and I didn’t gave her the attention she needed.But a day after the breakup she was with a “friend” of our that we bith knew him for only 2 months.Yes it’s hard I can’t stop thinking abiut her or them togheter.She kept lying to me about him and even tried to work things out with me.But she was hiding something and I knew it was him.She denies still that it’s not with that guy.Even her mother is on my side because she figured out.She said that she needs space and that she will think about getting back but every day she is with that guy.She is young she is 19 years ol and I was her frist..also we had to move to another country at my mom’s place to start a life there togheter.So yeah I’m confused depressed and all that but I decided to move on I can’t wait around for her to decide between me and that guy.She treated me with disrespect hiding him from me when she actually knew that I know all about him.She is young and immature and from my view she doesn’t deserve me.I am moving to my mom and let this thing behind me.I know she is confused and I KNOW that she will try to get in contact with me after I will leave.But guess what? I made up my mind and I will not get back with her.Sad that all turned this way but that’s life people change and that includes people you love and people you trust in.I shared my story and I am sure I’m not alone this things happen with young parteners because they don’t know what they want from life.So if you are in this situation reme,ber it’s not your fault it’s just an experience and you have to learn from it.Again great article a lot of helpful advices here.

  100. Well this is my story:

    I had been dating a girl for about a year and a half. I met her through a friend one night we went out. She was living in Miami at the time and I was working down in Bogotá. She had come down to Bogotá for a wedding and that weekend she went out with a mutual friend of ours and we met.

    The next morning I contacted her through my friend and we started talking. She went back to miami that next day but we started to talk everyday and since I used to live in miami, my family lives in miami and still have a house there, it was easy for me to visit her often. I started going every month or she came once a month. We would see each other about 5-10 days a month… She had just graduated and was not working yet so it was easy to come and stay for 1 or 2 weeks with me. We did this for about a year. During this time we made so many plans together. We had plans to get married, to have kids, we even used to visualize where we would live and how we wanted things to be. I was in love, I had never been so in love. I admired her for what she was, I had fun with her, I found her so atractive. Well basically i would call her THE ONE when I talked to my friends about it. I believed she felt the same thing for me, at least she said she did.

    Because she could not find a job to stay in the US and she wanted to start her own company in Latin America she moved back home with her parents in venezuela. I went and stayed 3 weeks with her. We went to my parents house in an island in Venezuela, she met my school friends and so on. I had to come back to work in Bogotá and we expected things to go like they had been going.

    I have to mention that we did had a bit of problems (arguments) because she could not decide where she wanted to live or what she wanted to do and I was a bit pushy for her to move with me or at least the same city. She used to say she liked the idea but never really executed anything.

    After I came back from spending the 3 weeks with her those arguments became more constant. We decided to give each other time but we kept talking everyday (she would text me every morning). But at one point we had a fight and she decided we had to stop. I gave her space and time and did not contact her for about 3 weeks (send two emails with a link to a love song during that time hahaha).

    It was my birthday 4 weeks ago and she emailed me. I emailed her back and it was very friendly. I was in Venezuela visiting my parents and told her and she was happy I was there… As I realized I knew I had to try to get back because I knew that she was the one for me. I knew this all along but I was a bit proud and dissapointed she decided to move to Caracas than come with me so I did not contact her also thinking it was a smart choice.

    I contacted her 2 weeks ago vía email saying I wanted to start talking again, just talking and see what happens and I told her I loved her and missed her a lot. She replied saying that it was very nice of me to write such email and that she was glad and happy that I still felt those things for her but that she had moved on and that she was dedicated to starting her business and she is now daitng some one who makes her happy and gives her peace of mind and that she thinks that I should turn the page and do the same. She even said it was better if we didnt talk again and mentioned to please not hate her for this. This was devastating. I send an email back very nice saying i didnt expect this and that didnt expect the no talkiing again part but that i understaood and that i never hated her or will hate her and that if she was happier with this guy I understood and so on. Never got a response.

    Then yesterday, two weeks after the email, I contacted her best friend who became some what close to me because I needed her opinion. i wanted to know if I should contact her or if that is a lost cause. Her best friend told me things straight up and she said that there is no reason for me to contact her, that she had been very clear with me on what she wanted. Her friend said that she had never seen her so happy with someone. I told her friend that she (my gf) use to tell me that she had never felt like this for someone when she was with me, she even was the first one to say i love you, she use to share marriage plans with me and that I felt she was really in love. When I told all this things she could not understand, she said she didnt understand how she move on so quikly or what happened. Neverheless, she said to not contact her because she tried to move on and met this guy and now if i contact her i will create problems between them and my gf will hate me for that. I asked her if she might contact me in the future and her friend said probably not.

    I just want to know your opinion on what happened? I mean we used to “love” each other so much and in 1 month after the break up she starts seeing some one and 2 months after the break up her friends claims she is sort of in love? Is she in a rebound? maybe she found someone who she really really loves and she never really loved me? Will she ever come back or should I turn the page and begin a new chapter and forget the hope of she contacting me?

    I feel very hurt, I feel like the things she said or the plans she made with me during the relationship were a lie or it just didnt mean anything. In one of the emails I asked my gf and my gf said that the things she said to me she really thought they were true. But that she never planned this and it just happened….

    • If she told you to stay away then I would stay away. If you contact her that just might push her even further away. You have to be strong, you never know she might come back in a year but don’t count on that. I had a girlfriend come back after a year and things got way better, the only sad part is in time she became bipolar and then things got worse.

      I’ve taken so many advanced psych classes for my field I swear a huge percentage of girls are bipolar. My girlfriend that just left me for another guy I think is bipolar and I’ve been thinking that since we first started dating.

      My friends are telling me to get back out there and get laid or some sort of bs. Personally I’m not ready, not even close. I’ve been lifting weights since I was 16 and am in good shape but now I am going to dedicate myself like never before, no more partying, strict diet (usually good anyway but now even more so) and also I’m thinking about going for my doctorate degree in therapy.

      Meeting somebody else is the last thing on my mind at the moment, make myself a better person and then see what happens. I hope she sees it someday so then I can tell her to go fuck herself.

  101. Good article. Can relate in many ways. Just getting over being dumped after a year of dating and great sex. She was the first person I dated after my divorce and is 12 years younger than my ex wife (hehe). Seemed too good to be true.,..and it was. I have kids, she doesn’t. I have dogs, she doesn’t. She’s a free spirit and I’m fairly locked down in my life. She probably thought she could deal with our differences. On the surface it struck me like the perfect opposites attract situation and as my feelings developed I got into that mentality. We started dating as I was working through my separation…we were very clear about our boundaries and neither of us really wanted a serious relationship…so it worked well. But as things go what we were doing was far from casual; it freaked me out because I wasn’t sure how into her I was, but I went with it anyway. I got through the pain of my separation and was ready to throw myself a little more into the new GF only to have her close the door at that point. That’s what sucks…feeling like I was falling for her for real only to have her slip away. It’s confusing and I don’t know if she has another guy…possibly. She’s the kind who doesn’t go without for long and I don’t mean that in a bad way….she’s attractive and open. But at the end of the day she’s afraid of any sort of commitment I think–I have kids and a real job…she’s 30, is going to New Zealand for 6 months and doesn’t even own a bed. Well at least I had a year of great sex right after my marriage fell apart! Experience only makes us stronger. All that said, I was surprisingly broken hearted about the whole thing. I must resign myself to the cold hard facts…if she wanted to be my GF she would be. Full stop.

    • Could not agree more my friend. Sounds like a little too free-spirited for you (and for me). Nothing wrong with that. Sure, it hurts, but there’s also beauty in the pain.

  102. Adam Lewis says:

    Great article.

  103. Hi Jesse my story is a little lengthy but not much. I got dumped by my girlfriend 3months aago. See we knew eachother since highschool. I was a junior at the time she was a freshman. I had a huge crush on her since the day I saw her. Funny thing she was my best friends younger sister. Anyways I am kinda a goofy head always making jokes which by doing that I thought I made a bad impression. But as the years past i said to my buddy I like his sister. He was suprised but happy cause if anybody was gonna be with her he wanted me. So later months pass and he tells me that she thought I was cute and had a crush on me. So the mom and him set everything up for us and it was incredible. She was a geeky girl like me love’s messing around and stuff. So we vegan dating I tell you it was a dream come true or so Ii thought. See she was my first girlfriend. I treated her great always paid attention to her. Then one date she said that she thinks iam everything perfect for her but wouldn’t marry me. I mean I hide my emotions that day but I was really sad. I mean how could she say that. Anyways months past we were still together and out or nowhere she says lets just be friends. She dumped me and gave me some bs reasons like that I was to needy or looked always to the future. Granted we never argued so I didn’t understand it felt perfect. I was devastated I couldn’t sleep I was miserable and got out of shape. I mean even her brother was like why did you do that. So I started thinking that she cheated on me cause she had so many guy friends and they would constantly hit on her. She then blocked me from all social media and never contacted me. Its been 3months and its still going. But now she found herself a new guy already. I mean that quick like that devastated me cause it makes me think everything she said to me was a lie. She did say she felt confused when she dumped me but thats about it. Now I dont know what to do. Cause my best friend is her brother and when I visited she will be there with that new guy. Which I think was way to quick. I dont know iam lost. See some guys are always interested about the physical stuff but I always respected her and never did anything to make her feel uncomfortable. See but she told me in her past she use to do things with others guys not sex but other physical activities. She also had 3 boyfriends before me 2 in which nobody new. But they ended quick unlike us I was proving to her that I was different but I guess it was not enough.

    • Hey man,

      Hate to say it but you have a classic case of Nice Guy Syndrome, and I suggest you read “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert A. Glover.

      Basically, Glover says that Nice Guys will try and do everything right at the expense of their own needs. They will then think, and assume, that they will get what they want if they just do everything “right”. They don’t realize they’re begin dishonest by not disclosing their needs and they’r being manipulative by trying to find indirect ways of getting what they want.

      Moreover, girls don’t like nice guys. The trick is focusing on having integrity, but not losing your masculinity in the process. Girls want to be touched and want a man to lead. There is nothing noble about leaving that all up to her. It’s manipulative. You need to act on your needs, and always respect hers at the same time.

  104. Hi Jesse, sorry this is a long story but I think its slightly different from the norm.
    I had been with a girl for nearly seven years, at first we were tremendously happy and so in love, we moved in together ( I moved to her town) and got engaged,we had a fantastic intermate sex life unlike anything we both had experienced before full of tenderness and passion, and we were also best friends,but there were problems, her jealousy and insecurities would flare up quite often, which I would take as a personal attack and not really talk about properly and be worried about it happening again, I also worked shifts in another town over an hour away, which caused friction as she was quite often left home alone and lonely, despite this we were very happy and had huge love for each other.

    Unknown to us until fairly recently I have been struggling with a form of aspergers, throughout my life, a result of which is that, I don’t always think and behave as most people would, if something bothers me I don’t talk about it for fear of starting conflict and then it builds up inside until it becomes too much for me and I have a form of breakdown and run away, when it gets that bad I have no choice involved, its so overwhelming and the problem stays with me for a long time and I am unable to face communication during that time, this was after a year and a half.
    After some time it passes leaving me filled with regret and devastated at the damage I have done to her.
    I would have NEVER EVER chosen to leave her at any point in my life, I love her so much, she was the one, and I wanted nothing more than to be with her, get married, have kids, be part of your family and make her happy for the rest of our lives but I struggled to communicate that to her after each breakdown.

    After my first breakdown we got back together but didn’t get re-engaged, I couldn’t seem to fully recommit, I was full of a lot if fear about it happening again which prevented me from seeking help and when I was with Her again I was so happy that it masked my problems and I didn’t recognise the signs until it was to late and the whole process happened again.

    Even when the first notion of me having aspergers came about, my fear of it and finding out what it really meant kept me from getting diagnosed for far too long.

    Every time I had a breakdown I would move back to my home town as I had no where else to go.

    No words could explain the hurt and regret for what I have done to her, she a most fantastic, wonderful, caring, beautiful person and I love her with all my heart, body and soul, I could never love anyone else as much as her, she is the light of my life, and knowing I have caused her so much pain and heartbreak is soul destroying.
    The amount of love she had for me was huge and she put up with more than any other person I know.

    After I came out of my last breakdown, It was like a vale had been lifted from my mind and I knew that I couldn’t allow this to happen again, I had never been so determined to sort out my problems, I would fix myself and I wanted to prove to her so much that I loved her and that I would conquer my issues and give her the safety, security and love that she deserves.
    She said that the only way she could be with me again was if I got a job in her home and moved there, which I was totally prepared to do.
    I went to the Doctors for help and I am in the process of being assessed for the type of aspergers I have, so that I could get help and recognise the start of a breakdown and how to prevent it.
    I started a therapy to learn how to deal with my emotions and than a different relationship therapy to help me recognise problems and communicate better. I started applying for jobs in the same town as her, any jobs that would pay enough to survive to start with just so that we could be together.
    We would meet up and talk and I know she was very worried about being hurt again but was so pleased I was making an effort,
    I finally got an interview and I was so happy….
    But it was too late…….
    I had hurt her so much and too much time had passed….. And the worst thing possible happened, she stopped being in love with me and found someone else.

    There are just no words to explain my pain and loss, I am completely heartbroken and destroyed, I have died inside. I will never get over her, she is my soulmate.
    Throughout every thing I always believed that we would pull through this and live our lives together, making each other happy, and growing old together.
    The thought of her being with someone else is too much to bear.
    The light has gone from my world.

    I emailed and asked to meet, which she agreed to and wanting to show my commitment to her I took a ring and proposed, it was all I could do to show how committed to her, I also had a ring for me so other people could see my commitment, but she turned me down saying why couldn’t I have done this 2 weeks ago and that she would always love me but she now had feeling for this other guy, after only a WEEK!!!! and he lives in another town which was the cause of a lot of our problems and her loneliness.

    I believe that the feelings that she had for me are being deferred to this new person as she was lonely and had been hurting for so long and when he met her he showed her warmth and she latched on to it.

    It kills me to know that this is all my fault and that if I had acted sooner this would have never happened and it is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

    Despite all this I truly WANT her to be happy and safe, she deserves that more than anything but I can’t be her friend as I would be unable to bear news of her happiness with someone other than me, I would die all over again.

    Its now been just over three weeks of no contact, I’ve been trying to keep positive and improve myself, working out, new clothes, trying new things both for myself and in the hope that if she ever did contact me again I would be more attractive. I have blocked her on facebook as I can’t stand to see her with this new bloke and have heard nothing from her in any other way, the real kicker is that she was in contact with a mutual friend and asked her to keep an eye on me when this first happened but since then hasn’t enquired once about how I am, so I guess she is totally wrapped up in this new guy and I’ve been forgotten.

    Any advice please.

    • Hey Ed,

      Your story is in fact not so different from stories I’ve heard in the past. There are two patterns in particular that I’ve seen a lot, and that I have experience with myself.

      The first is your ex being quick to move on. I have post exclusively on this, but basically it has to due with her model of attraction. We humans are incredibly opportunistic when it comes to relationships. We stay with someone until there is a better alternative. Before that time, we act and feel as if our partner is the one. But if we see something better, we’re wired to be able to shift gears and abandon ship.

      The second pattern I recognize has to do with your diagnosis. If you’re struggling with something in your life – in your case a medical diagnosis – it can make you less desirable, as cruel as that may sound. It’s the classic story of the wife leaving the husband when he’s diagnosed with terminal cancer. There are wives that stay, but your ex isn’t one of them. In other words, the relationship wasn’t meant to last, and she is not your soul mate. Soul mates don’t leave soul mates on their deathbeds.

      I’m sorry to say, she wasn’t that attached in the first place, and you’re better off without her. You just need to come to that realization, and figure out why it took you that long to get there.

      • What does that say about somebody that can shift gears like that. My girlfriend left me for a guy that is only 5’2″ and has no money. He is 24 and I’m 38 but I don’t look it and I have money and a good career, he is still in school. She went from talking marriage and family with me to a few weeks later or even days later doing it with him.

        Do you think she will do this to him too?

  105. Hey Jesse,

    new on here, interesting reading the comments about whats been going on, my situation is similar, different but in a way not so different, ok here goes.. so i’m an international student in the states so i’m on a student visa so i’m not here permanently but would like to hopefully stay if i get hired after graduating, i’m 24 years old, your typical college student, been here for 9 years now (long time for an international student) and i volunteered at a camp in 05 and hey i got to meet a great girl, one who i kept in contact with since it was out of state, but we spent that entire summer together, we’ve been talking and staying in contact with eachother ever since constantly, its crazy when you think about it lol and since i’m coming close to completing studies and looking at internships wewere really planning on visiting eachother over winter break and summer since i got an opportunity to do in internship in her state close-by her, and then guess what, one night, she seems different, and wants to tell me something, that she met a guy at a get together she had with friends a few weeks earlier, and my biggest fear becomes a reality because this girl is one i wanted to be with, i focused on trying to make things work trying to plan things accordingly with school and graduation and work so i could finally just have her closeby always, and be just a drive away instead of a few flights.. and now she just decides to drop it all, every bit of emotion that we built together to get to this point and get this.. she told me that she wanted to remain friends as in talk like we always did, texting, calling, skyping THE EXACT SAME WAY while she’s seeing this Josh fuck. (Granted he didn’t do anything wrong) but i’m still pissed and sad and feel powerless and frustrated. As a graphic designer i hate not having control over my own situations or a game plan, i can’t just go with the flow, thats one of my flaws, hopefully i haven’t lost you yet Jesse lol anyway, yeah, we’ve Skyped a few times, she isn’t dating this guy yet so i felt like i had a chance and i put out a whole game plan on how i could save what we had! it was valuable to me! too valuable. i would sacrifice a great job offer for a mediocre one just to be closer to her. But all she did was tell me she didn’t know what she wanted and cry and i felt horrible seeing her cry, i couldn’t be mad at her, even if some would say yeah i have a right to be mad, but i care about her so much that i agreed and told her that i want to be happy (which is true) and told her that we would stay in contact (which was a lie) and that i’m alright (which was another lie) guess what, this is the second time that this happened, and thats why she was crying because she felt like she’s ducked up and couldn’t make the choice not to move forward with some guy she’s known for 2 weeks but instead stay with the guy she’s known for years that has a whole plan set to be in motion.. but she chose Mr 2 Week Josh Fuck. When she made that choice she sent me an esay of a text apologizing and saying how sorry she was and that she still loves me and always will, i’ve been feeling like shit all week and i’m not even mad anymore, i just don’t have energy to be mad, all i did was say “Alright i hope it works out for you” and nothing since. I’ll feel like shit for a while i know.. but when i think about and analyze this situation, we were in a complicated long distance relationship that had no issues whatsoever, and i mean NO ISSUES, other than the distance, i’ve seen plenty of long distance relationships work, and i was giving 150% to make sure this worked, and i was confident it would work, but like you said somewhere in your article, she gave up at some point and prepared herself mentally to move on as soon as the ‘opportuity’ arose, and for this to happen two times, makes me feel like an idiot, and second i feel like i’m just not good enough in some way even there’s friends and people that say oh you are a catch, i don’t see it, she probably thought it at first but then lost it, i must have screwed up somewhere somehow at somepoint by saying or doing the wrong thing, i must have sparked a thought or planted a bad seed of some sort that slowly grew and took over, but i can’t find it. i tried to do so before she told me its never going to be the same and she chose Josh 2 weeks, anyway, i must be re-peating myself allot. please ignore all the horrible punctuation and spelling mistakes lol not really worried about editing this post but i hope it makes some sense to you. one thing you said somewhere in the comments that slapped me in the face was “men fall in love with women, and women fall in love with how a man makes them feel” that quote kind of helps me put the pieces together, i think all this time even without her realizing it, i think i was a stepping stone for her to get something better.

  106. Hi Jesse,
    Thank you for this blog as it is really helpful and it gives hope that at least i will get over it eventually. Being someone who can work from home, meaning i can move whenever i want should help me in the healing process i suppose. For now I decided to move to Thailand next month where my friend lives, and to continue to travel for a while.
    Anyway, here’s my story if you have time to read it.

    I’ve just been dumped after a 3 and a half year relationship and
    honestly, reading about how long it takes for people to get over it, it
    really sounds scary.

    Relationship started trough the chat, and sounded like fun at the time. She was already cheating her husband with his best friend, with her old time friend and with someone else as she told me. I should’ve leave right there but I was also up for fun I guessand I never believed i will fall in love. I was all for open relationships and freedom, something I will never allow myself to get into again.

    Bit by bit, we fell in love with each other, even tough we didn’t live in the same city and we only seen each other dozen times, not counting countless hours spent on skype and on phone together every day.

    After a year and a half, she lost her job and started crying and, i guess in that state of mind, she even admitted to me how she had an affair with her boss occasionally from the time even before she met me (damn it, why would you even tell me that now that you over with it, so selfish). I left her that day, but she kept crying, saying
    how she loves me more than anything, how shes wants to fight for my love again etc.

    Mind you, this girl is stubborn as hell and prideful even more, so seeing her cry and saying things like fighting for my love was not something i would ever imagine i would hear from her. So I stayed there, cold at first but after a while I continued being with her again, love was that strong I guess.

    At that time she left left her husband and went with her son back to her parents house.

    We continued like that for two more years, doing everything together,
    almost never fighting, never had big fight, relationship was perfect. I
    mean i could’ve seen in her eyes, in her smile that she really loves me.

    She was miserable living with her non-understanding parents, in a small
    house, small town, living in a room with her, now already seven years old son. I
    know how miserable she was, and I was giving my absolute best to make
    her happy, I was constantly looking for ways to make her smile. There
    wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her, as soon as she asks, or without even asking most of the time.

    Last time she was at my place was 2 months ago for several days, and everything looked perfect. I know when people are forcing something, but she didn’t. I know for sure she still loved me. I’m not sure what happened, but once she got home we didn’t talk as much. I was working really hard, like 14 hours a day so I can
    finally propose her, and she always had an excuse of why she can’t talk
    much (parents in the room, her kid and her sisters kids in the room

    I wasn’t paying much attention, I was just looking forward to seeing her again soon, and I even had some bigger plans for her, having solid amount of money by now.

    Suddenly, while exchanging sms’s, she said she needs to see what to do with her life and how we should separate because life is too short, she is not happy with herself, she needs to think of her son.
    I was sure she want’s to go back to her husband, and that would be something i could understand, but that was still giving me hope that it’s not to late to save our

    I was in shock, I couldn’t believe what I hear. I was 100% sure that we are going to spend our life together, that we are soul mates, that we are best friends, that we deeply know and understand each other, which im still sure of, no matter what.

    Honestly, Im 36, and i had lots of relationships, and in every single one of those
    relationships you could tell which one of us is not completely honest
    about being in love. As you may guess, I was the one that never really
    fell in love before meeting her and girls sensed it, just like i knew which one of them really loved me.

    Anyhow, 2 days later, I went to her city to surprise her, messaged her how im outside her house and I was expecting she’ll be furious, but I just wanted to see her one more time, i was trying to understand what happened.

    She came out smiling, and even almost started to cry when I was about to cry but i
    held it and so did she. We talked normally, and she was even eager to kiss me, so we did. One thing she said back then, in a half sad way was, that i would never be happy living in that small town, not having any of my friends around. And she was right, and there’s even more. I know i wouldn’t be happy there because i would always think of how all of her friends and neibghours see me since she had a history of misbehaving. People know everything about each others in such small places…

    Anyway, I asked her again if she found someone else and she said no, but I could’ve see something strange in her eyes, I just didn’t want to believe in it.

    I was so happy that she looked normal and I thought i did the real thing. Few days later i wrote to her that I am ready to move to her city and finally become a family with her and her son. She just said don’t do this to me now, shes a mess, her
    husband thinks she was going back to him etc. I said ok, my proposal is

    2 weeks later, she messaged me saying how she found someone
    else. Just like that. I thought I was going to die that second. Of
    course that meant she was cheating on me again, for at least couple
    of months, because you won’t really leave someone until you are sure
    that you want to be with someone else.

    It’s been 2 weeks since then, and i’m devastated. I can barely eat or sleep. I can’t stop thinking what i could’ve done better, where did i go wrong, should’ve i
    propose her earlier, did she ever imagine us living together. Worst of
    all was that I was finally making solid money, like 3 times more than
    before, and I was so ready to move to her city and start living with her
    when this happened.

    I tried to talk to her one more time just so I can understand why, what, when, whatever. Why didn’t she say anything if she was less happy in our relationship so we can work on it, everything seemed absolutely perfect. Why did she allow herself to cheat on me again, did I really deserve it after I loved her unconditionally.

    How come she was ready to quickly ditch something we built for 3 and a
    half years just because someone new impressed her. And how can she be so
    cruel not to even ask me how am i doing, am i ok, am i even alive.

    Now i know I would never be happy with her for the rest of my life considering what she is capable of doing, but why cant I get over her, why do I still love her.

    Now that i had some time to cool down, and i implemented NC for 2 weeks even before reading how that is a good thing to do, and after reading your articles i can understand that :

    1. I was so lost in our love, and i kept telling her i love you, even after she told me to stop saying that so often.
    2. She was trying to do things for me all of the time, and i mean all of the time, always placing my wishes above hers, but i wouldn’t let her because i wanted to do things for her all the time as well so i was always responding with you chose, or whatever you decide (this was probably my biggest mistake, i wish i knew this earlier).
    3. I know its over because even if i do every step to become the alpha i used to be before i met her (cocky i know), and she somehow wants to come back one day, i wouldn’t accept her back. This reality hurts the most (along with the fact that she decided to cheat on me instead on working on us), the fact that i wouldn’t accept her back but i still love her so bloody much.

    As I said, Im 36, 37 in few months, and im starting to get really scared that i will end up being alone, no kids, even though everyone says it’s never too late…its kinda almost too late..

    At least im looking forward to traveling for couple of months, can’t imagine whats it like for other guys that cant afford that luxury.

    Again, thank you for all your articles Jesse, i hope you can make a good living out of all of this because you really understand things and you deserve it.

  107. Sam "Squid" Dullard says:

    after being with a girl for 1 year and a half she leaves me for another guy… I’m so depressed about this.

  108. I hope you can give me some advice… Just before my ex went away for the Summer to her grandparents, she did something that made me lose trust in her, I don’t know if she cheated or not, but my suspicions were justified by her evasive behavior. Throughout the relationship, she was the clingy one, the one that loved me more so to speak. I loved her too, but she was the more *attached* one. I think I did well, because it was her who asked me out initially, and originally I wasn’t that keen on her, but slowly and gradually over the course of 3 months I became more and more attached to her. I let my guard down basically. She remained just as attached to me. But it was by the time I was really really attached to her, before she went away, that I started losing trust in her and felt more insecure. It wasn’t like the start of the relationship where I was basically stringing her along… I actually fell in LOVE with her.

    It’s been almost 2 months since she left for the Summer. She wouldn’t be back until September. Throughout the Summer, I found it harder to maintain my trust in her, since she couldn’t talk to me much (only via facebook message). She’d always commit herself to writing huge messages early in the morning to tell me how much she loves me and cares about me, we’d talk for a couple of hours each day, on and off.. Thing about this girl is, she was the kindest, most heart-warming, most loving girl I could ever have hoped to be with, but I simply couldn’t trust her. She did things that’d make it valid for anybody to question her loyalty, and I did question it. It really did eat away at me when I thought that I could be with a girl who’s screwing another guy, it’d hurt. Yet she would always say she wants a future with me, but that’s all she cared about, a future. So it felt like she was just keeping me until then, so that she could keep her options open. Giving me hope almost.

    I know she loved me, I know she was crazy at me for ages, and couldn’t stop thinking about me, and couldn’t stop talking to me, she cried for me, and made promises to me and I became her in some ways, I began to reflect what she was giving me. But now, it feels like the roles have completely reversed and i’m the one who’s begging for her!

    It ended like this. When she was away, she stopped talking for intervals of days and was very evasive of me and I still lacked trust in her because I didn’t think she was actually at her grandparents. So we got in a heated facebook argument, that was very frustrating, and I blocked her in the end when I gave her an ultimatum. 2 weeks later she messaged my friend that she doesn’t know well and I found out so I messaged her to tell her to stop bothering my friend. She wanted me to come back to her, and eventually I accepted and decided to the past in the past. After a week of this, we broke up again, for similar reasons, I just couldn’t trust her word when she said that she wouldn’t be able to talk for a month because her phone and bad internet. I didn’t believe it. So I told her to tell me the truth over and over, and she just acted evasive, so I blocked her.. again. 2 weeks later, I message her instead, my head cleared, and I tell her I want to be her friend first, and tell her I’ve met someone else, which I had, but it wasn’t serious. She told me to piss off. But I didn’t, and eventually we kept talking, and we got emotional again, and told each other how much we love each other. Within a few days we were back together again, and I trusted her more than before, I felt a lot more secure, and so I thought I did the right thing and there was hope! But nope, because within a week, she made her facebook relationship status invisible, and deleted all my posts on her wall. Obviously my trust wasn’t %100 because the first thing that came to mind was because she was hiding me from another guy. (She has a lot of guy friends). Soo, I got very upset, I thought it was hopeless, and kept positing stuff on her wall, pictures of us, telling me I love her, etc. I messaged her telling her i’d keeping doing it until she’d tell me the truth, she said it was because she wanted to wait until the end of the Summer. But her logic made no sense. If she so desperately wanted to stay with me, and kept telling me how much she wants a future with me, then why would she be so secretive about me being on her profile?

    I messaged her like crazy, over and over and over, waiting until the end of the day, when she usually replies. I kept thinking of things to tell her because I was very upset and angry, and it kept entering my mind. I told her i’d keeping posting stuff on her wall until she’d tell me the truth. I even lied and told her that I met a new new girl who I was meeting. I got very obsessive, and I hate myself for being like that. I really do, and don’t ever want to be like that again. But by my surprise, the lovable caring, girlfriend that would never ever give up on me, and would cry for me and express that she’d always want to be with me, and marry me and have a family with me… had just blocked me, from everything. I was in a gut-wrenching state of shock that she did this. I could not believe this. She didn’t even reply. She was of course very upset that I did this to her when I unblocked her, and now I know how she may have felt. But I did it for justified reasons. I lacked trust in her, and for good reason..

    This was but a few hours ago, and I feel devastated. Torn apart. My confidence is crushed. For years I was self-concious looking for a girl who’d love me, I’d never had a girlfriend before. I found her, and I lost her for the last time. This time, it wasn’t me rejecting her, it was her rejecting me. The reason I went back to her was because I was dependent on the relationship, I don’t have any hope in finding one again. Everything hinges on her. I feel like all she said to me was not truthful, and it’s like all that confidence she gave me goes back to zero. I’m devastated, I really am. How can I eradicate that pointless hope, and move on from this? I go to the gym and it makes me feel better but it just doesn’t fill enough of my time to keep me from feeling hurt and wanting her back.

    I feel like a fool even putting this, because I probably look like a fool.. But it’s only because I loved her loads and had hope. And because i’d been waiting for someone for ages, and I feel like i’ll be waiting for ages again, years maybe. I’d never asked anyone out and i’m 21, but she did because as her friend she was crazy about me. I let my guard down, and I need to regain my confidence. I need a solution, something consistant and solid that I can keep doing like clockwork to get my head back together and to become a man.

    Please help.

    • You’re wrong.

      You don’t need something to escape the pain, you need to face it head on.

      You might feel not understood right now, but so many guys have gone through the same process as you.

      You don’t let people get too close to you and are able to stay in control while you start dating this girl. Slowly, you start falling for her, and lower your guard – something you never do. Lowering your guard has then somehow made you emotionally dependent on this girl. Your emotional neediness ends up sabotaging the relationship. You get dumped, and feel utterly heartbroken, because you trusted her, you had never opened your heart to someone before. And now she broke it.

      Your reaction is one of manning up. You think you mustn’t let this guard dropping happen ever again, or at least be super careful.

      I believe the opposite is true. I believe that the problem to begin with is the fact that you were walking around with your guard constantly up.

      If you constantly shield yourself from emotional connections, it will become a big deal if you finally do engage it one, and it severs.

      Your guard is like a mask that you’re wearing. You’re hiding your true self from others because you believe it is necessary to protect yourself. My question is: is it really?

      I used to wear multiple masks. One at work, one with women, one with certain friends. Keeping those guards up, maintaining the personas the masks represented – it wasn’t keeping me safe. It was giving me security. If anything, it was draining my self-confidence.

      Drop the masks I say. Open up like you did to your ex-girlfriend to others. Train yourself in creating deep emotional connections to people. You will become stronger because of it, I promise.

  109. doris carter says:

    my ex-boyfriend dumped me 8 months ago after I caught him of having an affair with someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I visited the INTERNET for help and I saw a testimony on how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problems to him….. he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my peter came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Dr Ohehen spell caster, you are truly talented and gifted contact his email:(}

  110. My girlfriend of almost a year just left me for another guy 3 days ago. We were at her brother’s house watching fireworks, and when I went inside, I saw her head face down in the lap of another dude. I walked out and called a cab to take me home. Before the cab arrived, she ran outside and asked what my problem was. All I said was that “I am leaving and do not want to talk to you.” She became irate and started screaming at the top of her lungs. Later that night when I got home, I removed her from Facebook and sent her an email telling her to have fun with the other guy.

    The next day I thought I was coming to my senses when I sent her 2 emails telling her just exactly what kind of condition she put me in and asked if we could work it out. She called me and broke up with me stating that she needed to go find herself. This of course was crap, and she intended to run off with the other dude. I did try to stay strong and just arrange for her to pickup her stuff from my house, but emotions got the better of me and I asked her to come back yesterday morning. I then sent an immediate email back saying please disregard my last message and that I was good to be free of you. She then replied and asked why I did not try to talk to her when I found her head on someone else’s lap. To this I replied that she was being irate, and that the best thing was to go home. I then asked why she did not try to talk to me, or try to save the relationship. No response on that one.

    I wish I would have read the blogs and message boards about this first. I think I did a few things right, but also a few things wrong. I did the right thing by taking the cab home. Staying there would have only made the situation worse. I removed her from Facebook and intend to block her once she picks up her stuff. Along with her belongings, I packed up every gift she ever bought for me or my family including the dog treats. I erased every email, picture, video, or Facebook post. Now the only communication with her is through messaging via Facebook or email. In the communications I am non-emotional. Very much unlike my earlier emails. I fear that my emotional emails in the first couple days may play against me, because all of the people on these forums are suggesting silence in communications with your ex.

    Problem is she just met this guy one day before. This means that this girl is not the greatest person to be with. She used to tell me things like I was her rock and that I am a great man and make her so happy. This apparently was a load of crap, and if she can jump ship after knowing the guy for a day then this is not worth trying to salvage. All of this I know, but of course it still hurts. Like I said, I am not looking to get back with her. I just want to prevent as much closure for her as possible.

    Going forward I am going to start working out again, and playing some of the video games that was not allowed to play while I was with her. I am going to focus on my job. After 6 months or so I may start trying to date again, but for now I need a break. One thing is for sure, I know I do not want her back.

    One thing that really helped me come to this mindset was thinking about all the crap she used to do that irritated me. I wrote it all down and then read it back to myself. If I ever do get the urge to contact her, or simply just start thinking about her, I will bust out the list again and read it.

    • Hey man,

      Sorry to hear about your situation, but I think you’re sharing some great insights already. Reminding yourself of her flaws and of the negative aspects of the relationship is a form a self-coaching and will help you stay on track during your recovery.

      Stick to the advice on the blog, learn from others and let us know about your progress. You’re not alone buddy 🙂

  111. Son nguyen says:


    I dated my ex gf almost 2 years before I cheated on her with a college friend. I went to a friend’s wedding by myself and ran across an old college friend. We sat at the same table and chatted up. We did kind of flirt but nothing too inappropriate. She knew I had a gf and I told her I had a gf. She ask me to go to an after party with the bride and all the bridesmaids. But I decided to go home early because I had someone waiting for me at home. We exchanged numbers and when I got home she texted me to go grab coffee. We hit it off and started to text daily. Feelings for the new girl got very strong and I decided to break up with my gf. I dated the new girl for 3 months and soon came to realization that happiness was right in front of my eyes and I couldn’t see it. I had it all along but was blinded by lust and the curiosity of being with someone new.

    So I contacted my gf and we worked things out and got back together. She told me that I am either a habitual cheater or a guy that does it once and never again. And I was the latter. I went through so much hell getting back with my gf. Her whole family (a large family I might add), hated me. I got kicked out of her house by her little brother while eating dinner there. Her cousins told me things like “you have guts to show up here” or “better not f@#$ this time up.” I felt like I was wearing the letter A on my chest. But I loved her so nothing matters. Besides problems between me and her family, our relationship was very good. Everything was great for about 7 months. Then we had an argument about something I forgot to tell her concerning my job. Nothing big really. It got heated so I left my house. Actually I left her at my house so I can go for a drive to cool off. She then left my house along with all her belongings. We did not talk for almost a week. Then I tried to contact her but couldn’t. Days later my friends caught her at a club kissing another guy (picture as evidence). It was her boss at work. He is around my age. I’m 28. My gf is 24. And the new guy is 29ish. It was so crushing because I should have seen it long ago. I was not able to connect the dots. They spend so much time together at work that eventually feelings for each other will sprout. The new guy is a car sales manager so he talks a lot. And maybe that attribute of his gave the impression that he is giving her attention. During the “break up” talk, I never mentioned the picture but only said I know its him. I remember everything so vividly and it still crushes me inside everytime I replay the events in my head. She had always told me that she would never date her boss and that he’s not attractive. But once you live long enough, stranger things can happen.

    I love her so much. I haven’t contacted because I know it does me no good. Every time I come across a pic of her on fb my heart just drops. I freeze up. I no longer go to the church we both are a part of because I dont think I could handle seeing her. My biggest wish in life is to get a phone call from her saying she misses me or to drive home from work to see her car on my driveway. Better yet open my bedroom door to see her fast asleep tired from waiting for me to come home. I know I am not lucky enough to get that wish. But I know of one person who is that lucky. Its the guy she is seeing right now.

    With love
    Son Nguyen

    • Son,

      It seems to me you’re assuming too much guilt over this. You cannot claim all the responsibility for the failure of your relationship. She should share the blame, and you both should learn your lessons.

      You are tormenting yourself by still having her on facebook. Get rid of her on facebook, and go no contact. Use every ounce of power you have in your body to stop the “replaying of events” in your mind before they start. Allowing the replay to occur will keep the feelings and the pain alive.

      No contact
      Support network

  112. raymond says:

    My fiance and i broke up 6 weeks ago because she said i don’t have time for her and taken her for granted for the past 1 year when in fact we are living together, we’ve been together for 9 years and 2 months, but moved in together for 3 years until the break up. She was really bored even though i talked to her al the time, i gave her everything she needed. I tried to talked to her and begged to come back, she said she needed time and space. And here is the ridiculous part, i gave her a computer and installed a counter strike game so she could play and dont feel boredom, while i was doing my thing she was playing addictively. 6 weeks ago the break up occured. and after 6 days i over heard her talking to someone on skype she met on that game online, she was dressing up whenever she talks to this guy which happens to be living somewhere in siberia (found out based on my investigation). When i heard their conversation i literally smashed the door open and there she was laughing at the skype and she said there is nothing wrong with that since we broken up already. This skype thing with the guy continues for weeks, every night i made a childish move and keep bothering them. By the way we are away and working overseas. Even though she was doing this i kept on begging for her to patch this up to make it work one more time, i did this evryday. Until one sunday afternoon we had this conversation and she said she was falling for this guy already. Then stopped begging. The skype thing happened for about 3 weeks, so i told her to move out (we were housemates with some friends). She resisted to move out, she didnt want to but i told her she has to. Thats the time she was really mad at me. She moved out 2 weeks ago and found out from a friend of mine that she changed her profile picture from her facebook to thr guy’s picture. She literally broadcast it to all of the people we know that she has a new boyfriend. I feel like shit. It like a emotional roller coaster im feeling. Everyday is different mood. Honestly i dont want her back anymore but the thoughts of her having a new boyfriend and moved on so fast keeps stabbing me on the chest. Im getting drunk every night just to feel numb and so i could sleep without thinking of her. It’s been 6 weeks now when we broke up but its still painful, not as much as the 1st few weekz but the pain is still there. I feel so alone even though im surrounded by my friends here which happens to be her friend as well. She dropped everything, she forgottrn the whole 9 years weve been together, forgotten every friends we have and she doesnt talk to them, she’s no longer the same woman i knew back then, her attitude changed, even our friends told me that let her go because she’s not the same person anymore. I dont know how to completely move on with this situation. Your advice would be a big help. Thanks bro.

    • Stop the drinking. It’s time to face the pain and stop running from it.

      Your situation sounds very brutal. So I’m not surprised it hurts like hell. But you need to ask yourself, why did you choose for this woman? You chose someone that is capable of behaving in the way you describe. You helped create a situation where you were begging her to take you back.

      Your choice in partner says something about you, what does it say in your case? That’s what you need to explore.

      What’s more, it sounds that you might’ve accommodated her too much in the relationship. The fact that you were begging her to take you back is the ultimate example of this. If she doesn’t want you, why would you want her? The only answer is because you’re addicted. It’s completely irrational.

      You can buy her stuff to do to make her less bored, but you could’ve also taken her out to see new things. Both solutions come with a very different context.

      Overall I would say you need to take some time to reflect, do some soul searching, come to understand how you got to this place. It’s hard work, but it’s worth it in the end.

      • RAYMOND says:

        That is also the same question that i keep on asking myself every single day, why i chose her and why i can’t completely get her out of my mind even after the pain that she caused me, why am i still holding back the memories where in fact i could have al least use those pain and sufferings to get through on all of this? I guess “Queen” was right
        “I want to break free” “But life still goes on, i just can’t get use to living with out you by my side, i don’t want to live alone, god knows got to make it on my own”. I’m searching on how to mend my broken heart fast and the steps on how to overcome this, until i came to your site. The only question in my mind that is always there wherever i go, how could she forget the whole 9 years we have been together and fall for a guy who she doesn’t even know and just met online for just a week? thanks jesse, it is really nice to talk to someone who has experienced same thing that we did. you are a big help bro.

        • She hasn’t forgotten. Women just remember in a different way. There’s a saying that men fall in love with women, and women fall in love with how a man makes them feel. If a relationship turns sour, the man no longer makes them feel good. They’re less attached to the person, more to the feeling. Whereas we as men are more attached to the person.

          Regardless I think it’s a wake up call that she can ‘forget’ about the 9 years, and you can’t. Clearly there’s a mis balance there. It’s probably a combination of you overvaluing those 9 years and her undervaluing them.

          Glad I could help.

  113. My girlfriend left me for another guy an shes the godmother to my godson an i just dont know how to hande this . an also the fact that shes having sex whit another man already it eats me up inside .

    • Hey Victor,

      I’m sorry to hear that man. You need to continuously stop your mind from drifting to those thoughts, you can do this by replacing those thoughts with some positive imagery. When you gain some mental fortitude I recommend you face this challenge head on and imagine the worst possible scenario. It will feel terrible, but if you stay grounded, you’ll realize you can handle it. And once you realize you can handle the worst case scenario, things get easier and easier.

  114. hii sir……its hard time for me m not good in english….me my gf after 3 years rltn she said me nothing her In heart for me…..she is busy In her study and wants top college for pg course so she study hard and she not live with her parents …before joining of coaching everything is okkk….I thought that she doesnt huv times for other activities but after 6-7 months she changed….I remember one time I called her she was busy in another call than I totally mad pandit I call again and again she blocked my numbers and no replies of my any messages…I decided to meet her and asked for new guy she said he is only classmates…and she was exchange number….after many times her call busy….so finally I decided clear all things she said nothings her in hearts for me….and said u will remember me as a friend I will be always there for u…..worse feeling..!!!one more time i gone meet to her but this time she avoid me and said all is over..!!
    after 3 days she came her home she message me to see me…and after 10 days she called me but I didn’t pick up after five minute I message her that “u call me”??? she was not reply and after 3days her bday then I wish in nyt at 12 o colck….and talked 8:30 minutes…she said she called me because miss me and say sorry for weird treat me last time….after that now 12 days she not message and call…..??
    she foeget me..??? she happy without me..?? what should do now if she will call me..should I come infront her or escape from her life..??

    • Maintain no contact and your worries about what she’s thinking and what she’s doing will wane. Fill up your time with a newfound focus on yourself and your goals and take things day by day. Feel free to report back here on your progress 🙂

  115. Hey jesse.. i’m just a regular guy ..20 years old..i am studying in college…the issue that I am facing since a long time is loneliness. Let me put it this way, I used to have quite a happy life 2 years back. Everything was just perfect. I scored good in studies,had a good friend circle,i had a girlfriend whom I loved with all my heart, I used to have a happy life. But then suddenly, my life shattered all the way 2 years back when my girlfriend dumped me..i guess for another dude. Guys i’m telling ya honestly I loved her truly more than u guys could ever literally. and everything just shattered. obviously I tried to get her back, but it was all in vain. since then my whole life changed. I changed..from happy to sad,from joyful to full of sorrow..i used to cry a lot..for hours sometimes !! asking god what I did wrong ever ?..i helped everyone, I respected my ex,cared for her,valued her the most..but I never got an answer from could I get ?..Then obviously..time passed , after one and a half year of suffering and pain..i got back on my feet..i became I barely cry..even when I do.. tears won’t come out of my eyes..sometimes I wonder they have dried..heh ?..the only issue that left was’s killing me from inside since my break up..and it still does. I tried going out with some other girl.. but u know I could never trust anyone after my break up..nor I can love anyone again with that the memories of my ex keep on haunting me when I try to going out with any other girl never worked out till now….i got friends..but u know I can’t call anyone my real friend. u know I can’t share my feelings with anyone..coz they won’t understand. I always have to wear like a fake smiling mask in front of them. now I just don’t know for how long I could bear this loneliness…i barely feel anything now like totally numb I don’t have a reason to live..yet I have to live for my parents..and I am strictly against suicide..i am trying my best to be strong but sometimes I just break down…:/ 🙁

    any suggestions would me much appreciated

  116. Excellent article but it’s just hard to face the true facts..

    I’m 20 and My parents passed away last year on 2-10-13. When the one yr anniversary came up this year on 2-10-14 I prayed hard that day and the week before that I would one day meet a beautiful girl to date. A beautiful girl that follows me on Twitter randomly messaged me on 2-10-14. It was like a prayer had been answered and I couldn’t believe it, honestly.. Fast forward we have been going out ever since about 3-4 times a week. Had the best time holding hands, going out on dates, normal dating things.. She always says initiates sexual jokes and got upset with me one day when she made a sexual comment last week at dinner. She thinks I’m just taking her out just to use her for sex and that’s not the case at all.. Thing is she always brings up sex first, but got upset when I said something back. I don’t get it. Ever since she has been upset and recently told me she has found someone else. It really really hurts because I’ve talked to several girls that come and go, but this girl was very special because I really wanted to date her and she knows that. And now she has found someone else guess it really is over.. She told me she is talking to someone else as if I never existed.. She’s so beautiful and has that perfect outgoing personality. I’ve said sorry, wrote her a letter, and feel that I was misunderstood. Honestly feel like shit.. idk what to do. Don’t think I or anyone else deserves treatment like that.

    • Hey man,

      That’s an extraordinary story and I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. I have a couple of observations I’d like to share.

      First of all she sounds insecure about herself and about sex. It sounds like she’s overly concerned about being used, which makes me think she might have had bad experiences in that area.

      You don’t sound like someone that would use her, but being too reassuring, too apologetic and too compliant kills attraction. The harsh reality is that being the nice guy in a relationship is unattractive for women. Women want a man that takes care of them and provides for them, without them putting her at the center of the universe.

      It’s a paradox. Women will keep pushing you for attention, but if you give her everything you’ve got, she’ll lose respect and attraction for you. It sounds to me like that’s sort of what happened.

      I think you need to reassess your overly positive image of her. This is someone that doesn’t want to be with you, and was able to ditch you for another guy on – seemingly – a whim. Is that really the “perfect outgoing personality”? You’re idolizing her, and focusing on her unattractive behavior will help ground you back in reality a little bit.

  117. Hi Jesse,

    Liked reading your article. I’ve been having a difficult time with a break-up that a occurred last December with my ex-girlfriend. I’m 33 and she is 28. We dated from June until early December and between that time everything seemed and felt great. She was incredibly affectionate, giving and caring and planned things with me right up until she broke up with me out of the blue one evening on the phone. She couldn’t really properly explain why she was breaking up other than saying she would only end up hurting me and had problems at home and with her health she couldn’t talk about. In late December we chat again and I discover that she is manic bipolar and rapidly self destructive. She told me she took a turn for the worse at home and her mum had to take her back into hospital after attempting some stupid things. She said she never wanted to tell me about her bipolar because its too difficult, thought that her problems wouldn’t have returned and felt terrible about not telling me and for how she treated me.

    During her time in hospital she told me she also met another guy who also suffers from bipolar and they end up together…going public with their budding romance on facebook just a month after ending things with me. This just made me feel 100 times worse being replaced seemingly overnight and I don’t know if its all due to her bipolar or just her feelings suddenly changed in a matter of hours….

    I shouldn’t have let this get to me especially after what she told me about her health and it may have been for the best but things felt better with her than any other woman I have been with…it felt we connected on every level. We caught up with each other last month and she told me everything about her hospital visits, psychiatrist visits, showed me her medication(which is making her sick) to even explaining her scars due to self harm and she only came clean to her family about being bipolar after ending things with me….this should have been enough to scare me away but I’ve tried dating numerous other women over the last couple of months and its only made me feel worse after brief moments of enjoyment since I end up comparing them all to her. Its affecting my work and I’m still exercising a lot but I feel this had a knock on effect of my own mood which my friends and family have noticed a lot. I still go through things in my head over what happened from blaming myself to feeling anger as to why she couldn’t have told me about her condition and that her knowing I wouldn’t have judged her. Little things still remind me of her and it sets me back which shouldn’t be happening nearly 3 months on. I guess knowing that things with her new guy will probably work out since they both have the same issues to deal with and understanding is making it difficult for me. Any advice on how I can get out of this slump would be much appreciated.

    • Yeah, what she says doesn’t make sense. That’s part of dilemma unfortunately. She’s feeling something powerful and primal that is driving her behavior. She’s trying to retroactively rationalize this behavior, and we’re usually not that good at that, especially not if the behavior is erratic.

      Hiding a medical condition from you is a terrible precedent for a romantic relationship. Especially since it more than likely influenced the dynamic between you two. Personally, I find that inexcusable and am not surprised things ended. You need to get to the same wavelength as your partner in a relationship, and there’s no way you can do that by withholding critical information like this.

      Of course it feels like an extra dagger in the back when she ends up with another guy. But honestly man, I think you’re right when you say this is for the best.

      It’s normal to compare other women to your ex. If it’s very much on your mind, you might just not be ready to be dating again. You should’ve seen me three months after the relationship ended, I was still very much a wreck.

      What do you think your selection of this girl as your girlfriend says about yourself? Why do you think you sought out this type of relationship? Do you perhaps see some recurring patterns in relationships in your life? Your relationship with your parents is a good place to start looking.

      I think you might be feeling lonely and as if there’s no one out there for this girl because you’re not surrounding yourself with high quality women. You’re problem is then meeting the right women, and really has nothing to do with this one girl. It’s just the way our male minds work when we’re living in a scarcity mindset, we go back to that last girl we felt intimate with and we feel like that’s what we need.

      So my advice would be: reflect on your own attachment pattern and surround yourself with high quality women. Especially the last part can be really challenging and you might not know how. But at least you know where you need to focus.

      • Hi Jesse, many thanks for your thoughts. In response to your question on my selection of quality women….when I first met my ex girlfriend and our time spent together she gave me no indication that she was anything but a quality woman – thats the thing – I knew nothing about her illness and she was able to hide the symptoms from me.

        • Hey Andy,

          That might be the case, but there is never 1 broken person and 1 non-broken person in a relationship. Your choice in partner is a reflection on yourself. You need to figure out what your choice of partner says about yourself. Even if she might not have technically told you about her illness, it’s part of a larger story that you were attracted to. You might have a predisposition for her “type” and if so, you need to become aware of that, and figure out why that is.

  118. Reinhardt says:

    Hi Jesse

    I JUST got left for another Guy, I had moved to New Zealand with my Dad about three weeks ago and we had been together for 3 years…The WORST thing is that how she said she would ALWAYS love me, NEVER LEAVE me, and she was SO caring and Loving. I loved her with everything in me, And now it’s over…Im in so much Emosional Pain…I dont know what to do..I dont even have many friends here yet cause I’ve been here like 3 weeks…Im devestated 🙁

    • Hey Reinhardt,

      That sounds tough man. At the same time being in a new place with new things to see can really refresh your programming and may be just what you need right now. It sounds like you really lost yourself in the relationship. I have found this to be a recurring symptom in bad breakups – guys “opening up for the first time”, “really dropping their guard” or in your case “loving her with everything in me”.

      My view is that you should love with all your heart, but you should never lose yourself in the relationship. What does that mean? Well, you shouldn’t be using the relationship or your girlfriend to define yourself. You and your partner should form a symbiotic relationship together, where both parties would be able to survive without the other, if necessary. A lot of my readers, and myself included, formed parasitic relationships with their exes. They used their ex-girlfriends as a crutch to their own identity. As a result, when the relationship ended, their sense of self could no longer survive. And this is painful.

      In the short term I advise you get to know some new people. This will take some effort and some courage on your part. In the long term I advise you to start doing some soul searching. Why where you so attached to this girl? What does your choice for girlfriend and your past relationship say about you? What do you stand for? Did you always stick to those values in your relationship?

      Good luck and stay strong!

      • Reinhardt says:

        Hi Jesse

        Thanks for help. I feel better now that I coukd talk to a fellow guy about this. What you are saying is SO true. Never will I let my gaurd down like that again. Thanks for all the support and help. I will go and do some soul searching :). Thanks again

  119. Hey, Jess,

    Your article about the loss of the loved one really applied to my case.

    My fiancée broke up with me 3 months ago, told me there was someone else before takingthat back and assuring there wasn’t anyone actually. Truth is that thanks to a friend of mine, I found out she did had a crush on someone else as she is now in a relationship with a guy from her work, proof that her new romance is not recent but has been developing itself for months maybe.

    You see, the problem, like I read in your article, was my feelings for her. She wasn’t the first one but I’ve never loved someone that deeply and sincerely, she’s the only one that really knew me at all, the one that matched my needs as far as relationships are concerned. As a result, I was addicted to her, like you said. As a result, the lack of her presence I’ve been experiencing for 3 months now is just unbearable

    The most painful aspect of my new situation after 2 years and a half of love, is that she relentlessly kept promisins me the same things, that I was the man of her life, that the was the happiest woman to have a guy like me by her side, that I was her soulmate, that nothing would ever change that, well, I guess you know what I’m talking about.

    As a result, I proposed to her (she was relentlessly talking about that) and, believe-me, with all those promises she was giving me, I was damn right sure she was the one I would spend my life with, my soulmate, which makes my situation unbearable. I gave the very best of myself for her, I did all I could to make her happy.

    When we had moved in together (once again, she was talking about that so much), she kept telling me about her plan for our future together. And out of the blue, she dumps 3 months later.

    The feelings are now horrible. The feeling of injustice, of betrayal, you feel like you still love her, despite the fact that you imagine her in the arms and in the bed of another guy (that mental picture makes me wanna kill myself), saying love stuff to him, promising things to him. Then the horrible and persistent sorrow to have lost the one that mattered so much for you, the feeling of rejection, the good memories that constantly flow through your mind, all the little things that remind you about her, the feeling that you will never meet someone that’ll make you want to rebuild a new relationship, the feeling you don’t want to go start over all the little couple steps with someone else but her, the feeling that you will never be able to give your trust to someone, the feeling that you will never be able to simply get over her… Long story short, the pain is unbearable.

    If you got any more advice for me, I’ll be very grateful to you.

    Thanks already for the article above that made me think over all that.

    Best regards.


    • Hey Vincent,

      Thanks for sharing your story.

      What women say during or just before a breakup, frequently defies all logic. This is why I advise guys to look at what she’s telling you with her actions, rather than just interpreting her words. Actions often speak louder than words do. I go into this in one of my posts:

      I’m sorry to hear that she’s moved on to someone else. This really forces you to deal with a whole extra dimension of pain. At the same time I’m glad that you can recognize your pain for what it largely is: withdrawal symptoms to your addiction to your ex girlfriend.

      Paradoxically, doing all you can do to make someone happy is often the root cause for driving them away. Women have a tendency to always want to push the relationship forward and seek more of your time, attention and provision. Part of the beauty of a relationship is to allow this to happen in a harmonious manner, in accordance with what YOU want and feel. The problem occurs when she dictates the conditions and you end up complying against your own desires. She will not only be dissatisfied with what she’s getting, because she senses it’s not genuine, she’ll lose respect and attraction for you because you did not act on your true desires, namely, not taking things that fast.

      The pattern I’m detecting in your story is one where she pushes and pushes the relationship forward, and you end up complying. My question for you then is: were you moving forward on your own terms?

      There are no shortcuts in dealing with the pain. The only thing I would stress is that you go THROUGH it and don’t run or hide from it. Through this experience you’re discovering more about yourself and more about relationships. Feelings of her being the one or not being able to find someone else are fundamentally irrational. You need to discredit these feelings when they come up and ask yourself: is this a fact? or is this just an emotionally charged thought?

      • Dear Jesse,

        Fist of all, thank you for your answer and your time.

        Regarding what you said, I realise now that maybe I did too much indeed. The problem is that at first I did not want to rush things or go too fast, precisely because I had learnt some lessons with previous relationships. But the thing is that she’s always been so dedicated and enthusiast about us, always valuating those demonstrations of commitment because she felt so insecure about herself. I had never lived that with someone and I was sure she was sincere and that it would be different this time. Based on that aspect, I must remain honest and I can’t say I felt forced to move forward in our relationship at the same pace as hers. I wanted it the exact same way because I did not want to blow that chance away.

        And for the other thing you said, I also realise it was probaby a mistake, always doing my best to make her happy. Truth is I’ve always been so in love with her, I naturally emphasised on making her happy because it is precisely what made me happy. Once again, I must remain honest and say I never felt forced to do so but it’s the kinf of natural reaction I had with her, thinking about her way before thinking about myself. In addition that feeling of mine was relentlessly reinforced by the fact she always said she valued my little attentions for her and that she felt so lucky with me for that. I guess I should have noticed it was not sane for a relationship.

        I am gonna read your article about how they’re able to move on so fast, thanks for that.

        I am going to take it one day at a time and let time do its job. I can’t deny it’s damn hard though but I have no choice but to keep moving.

        Once again, thanks for your time and your advice.

        All the best and kind regards.


        • My pleasure Vincent!

        • Wow.. I feel like I am reading my own post. I bought us a house a little out of town, which I now live in alone. We’re young, I’m 22, and she is 19. I found out she was done with me on a facebook message on her account while she had been at work.. things had been questionable in the last month or so. She decided she needed space and slept at her sisters for a couple of nights. She had always given the clingy vibe, and got attached really quickly. Overtime that balance titled downword.

          For whatever reason after dealing with an ever growing pattern of need for space or lack of sex. The month before she was practically begging me for it, but I wasn’t exactly taking advantage of it. She probably grew to resent me for it..

          She was hiding a “relationship” from me with one of her employees at her job. The only reason we were ever engaged was her seemingly endless commitment to me. She would tell me her dreams, every night. Always made sure I knew she loved me. I grew to really love the attention and intimacy, and I got hooked.

          I bounce from despair to an almost mania of “just maybe”. I blame myself, and I can’t seem to let it go. I had her move everything out within 24 hours, I was so devastated from what I had seen. She was using me for a roof, food, and attention. It makes so much sense looking back.. She still tries to maintain a line of communication with me, but I don’t find this to be healthy at all. She hasn’t admitted to the cheating, but I seen what she had to say about her engagement with me.

          I want her back, but I have to accept there is no future. I’ve blocked her based on your advice… it wasn’t easy. I’m sure I will fight with it over the coming days, but I have to tell myself I’ve already said what I wanted to her. In an attempt to find some closure I wrote her a letter tonight, and drove to her job to drop it off. I probably should of sat on it for a day or so, it’s insane how quickly emotions can cloud ones judgement.

          I don’t want to know the answers to my questions. It’s just too much as it is.

  120. I got blindsided to. I trusted her but when things got rough she lost her job I became a little stiff on her spending money. And I tried to get her back to school didn’t settle well with her. Eventually 7 months ago she left me for another man. I may have been tough but I didn’t deserve what she put me through. Past 5 years was with her n engaged for year and half. Still think about her, get angry and what not but it’s over. N hell I had tried to get her back but she didn’t give a crap. I tried contacting made a cool of myself but no reply or a word. But idk this feeling will go away. I just can’t get a hold of how this happened n ended. I was a simple happy man trying to make it work emotionally n finically but I went wrong somewhere. I have revenge in my mind after what she put me through. At the same time I hope she is happy.

    • Hey Chula,

      You need to catch yourself saying “I don’t deserve X”. It implies that you’re entitled to something, when in fact you are not. Things aren’t “supposed” to be a certain way. Things just are.

      The Buddhists say all suffering stems from attachment. Eckhart Tolle says that you need to let go of things you can’t change or can’t leave.

      It sounds like you have a case of the Nice Guy syndrome. You feel entitled to happiness because you were just a ‘nice guy’. In fact it’s more likely you were subjugating you’re own needs to serve her’s with the expectation of getting something back for it. This is manipulative behavior and you need to see it for what it is.

      You need to accept that where you are now is the sum of all the decisions you’ve made up to this point. You are responsible for where you are now. And until you realize that, you cannot move on.


  121. This I believed happen to me. She wanted to end things and I felt kind of blindsided. I tried to contact her a couple times most of the time i was no contact because I didnt want to force her to be with me. I heard from people that she had been partying alot and soon I found out she was hanging out with someone else. Its been 3 months and a month and half since no contact. I feel better and somedays I do feel free but then I feel resentment because I dont understand how she could do something like that after being together for 7 yrs. I asked her if she did but never wanted to admit to leaving me for someone else. Although her actions smoke otherwise. Im sticking to no contact but I just cant seem to get past the resentment.

  122. Thanks for your advice ill try using it to gain experience and move on

  123. Thanks for this Jesse.

    My gf of 3 years recently ended things with me. Although we were in a long distance relationship where we barely saw each other, I still thought and hoped that once we get married, we will eventually be together and that hope kept me moving forward in this relationship. This February, we were going to celebrate our 3 years anniversary and I has made plans to take her out of town and spend time together. She was the only girl I’ve ever said I love you to and now its all over. I thought distance was probably the key factor in her taking this step but then she told me she actually likes someone else and said it won’t be fair to me if he continues this relationship. This left me devastated! After 3 long years of being together and surviving lots of hurdles, she just goes out and finds some other guy to go out with and ends things with me. To top it all, she tells me that this other guy is from the same city as mine which means she’s again falling for long distance relationship. She told me I’m the best thing that has ever happened to her and she’s a fool to let go of me but she can’t stop herself from doing this. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Where do I start again? How do I start again man? How can I not call her or message her or talk to her? She had become such in integral part of my life.

    Anyway..your post helps a in dealing with this! One day at a time I guess..

    • No contact bro. You’re overwhelmed by emotions now. No contact gives you clarity and you can start taking small steps from there. Setting small goals and accomplishing them will will replenish your body of dopamine, giving you a sense of accomplishment and meaning again.

      And if you feel like calling her, make sure you’ve deleted her number, and go running. Seriously, go running! See how you feel when you come back.

      • You are right, I am overwhelmed by emotions at the moment. I did try going no contact with her but she texts me saying she feels sorry that we haven’t spoken properly and that she will call me and talk to me again in detail blah blah. Its just very difficult since we were together for 3 darn years. I love working out and have been going to the gym since last 5 years so that kind of helps in getting my mind off things for a while. I’m not much of a running kinda guy but I will give it a shot and let you know how it feels. First thing tomorrow morning!

        Thanks once again for replying Jesse. Take care!

        • Hey Mike,

          Running and working out should give you much of the same benefits. I find running to be a bit more hypnotic and even therapeutic. Let me know how it works out for you!


  124. Thanks. I needed this hard wake-up slap in the face!
    Recently got dumper by my girlfriend. I went to the baker, and I was stumped when he asked me “What bread do you want?”. Good question… I realised I only ever wondered what bread my girlfriend wanted.

    This part hit the nail on the head!
    “Believing she was the one doesn’t make any logical sense, but more than anything, it is a sign you were probably emotionally dependent on your relationship. Were you worried more about how she felt, than how you felt? Were you worried more about if her needs were met, than if your needs were met?”

    Well done. Thank you for this.

  125. Thanks for this!


  1. […] to get her back. Just temme what to do. I know she still loves me.As painful as it is to have your girlfriend leave you for another guy, fundamentally, it’s not something you can control. Eckhart Tolle says about facing […]

  2. […] of damage control mode. It’s time to reflect and start healing your broken heart.If your ex-girlfriend left you for another guy, you might want to check this out. Maybe you’re shocked at how fast she was able to move […]

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