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My finacé broke up with me

Jesse Martin

October 28, 2017

Hi Jesse.

A month ago my fiancé dropped the bomb on me that she's not ready for marriage and wants to be single and independent. We'd been together for exactly two years and two months and shared the most amazing memories of my life. She was always completely loyal and I thought she was always honest with me. Before her I was never able to commit to someone 100% but with her I was sure from day one. She had a few flaws as do we all such as not easily able to accept criticism or being responsible enough to look after a job (went through 5 jobs in two years and obviously I shared her stresses). I loved her and accepted her although sometimes stressful and frustrating I gave everything I had to always support her to the best of my ability.

A month before the breakup she began to spend a lot of alone time with a mutual friend of ours. Going for night drives and always talking non stop. They have a lot in common. It's the first time I've ever told her (and him) I was uncomfortable with the friendship and want them to stop spending time together alone. He said no worries he respects that but she was continuously defensive saying she's done nothing to ever break my trust. After a week they were at it again. This caused huge fights between us as I felt she wasn't putting me or our relationship first and I felt blatantly disrespected by both. But still she'd put up fb photos on fb saying she can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together and how lucky she is.

Within a week of having 'doubts' and me trying everything humanly possible to let her see how good we were together and the amazing future we can still have, she gave me back my ring. I told her I'll give her two weeks space to see what single life is like in a final attempt to save us but one week in, he seized the opportunity to ask her out and she said yes. We have all the same friends so it's impossible to avoid them. I'm shattered, broken, angry and miserable. I smiled in tears and told her I just want her to be safe and happy and that I'll always love her. She cried and said I was her first love and first of so many things and that will never change.

The wedding was supposed to be in one month. Booked and paid for and so was the honeymoon. I'm trying to stay positive but it feels like my life slipped through my fingers along with her.. I've lost 10 kg and have dreamt about her every night so obviously I'm struggling badly with sleep.. nothing I'm trying is helping me feel better. Thank you

Thanks for sharing and sorry to hear about the pain you're going through.

You said not much you've tried has made you feel better. That's not because you've been trying the wrong things - it's because the natural response to what you're going through IS intense grief and probably some other intense emotions.

There's a lot here to grieve or to experience a strong response to.

You may feel grief about losing someone you love so much. You may feel grief that it feels like you've lost your best friend. You may also feel grief that you've lost an entire planned future together. And you may feel all kinds of strong emotions in response to this other guy in the picture and her starting to see him.

The natural response here is exactly what you're feeling.

Allow those feelings to be there. Let them wash over you. Over and over again if that's what they want to do. It's normal.

Feeling better is a side product of taking good care of yourself and showing yourself love. There are many ways to do that and getting comfort from friends and family is one of them. Exercise is another thing you can do which will be great for you to do (but be warned, it can be very hard to get yourself to do during these times)

I understand you have the same friends and that you were supposed to get married. Still, it's imperative you reduce the amount of times you can be reminded of her at this point.

The emotions will come in waves and will suck tremendously, with time it will get better. That is, if you DON'T retraumatize yourself. Potentially seeing her with this new guy, hearing stories about how she's moving on and any reminder for that matter may hit you hard and set you back.

Seeing the plans you had, the recency of the events and the shared social circles, I could imagine it's hard to think about reducing contact with her and reminders of her to 0. Do you feel you've fully accepted this is over and you can commit to no contact? If not, that's okay and understandable. But it would be best that you at least started thinking about it.

Thanks for your response Jesse. If I'm completely honest I don't think I've accepted it. I read half of your book already yesterday and keep telling myself it's over she's made a decision, I'm better off, I deserve better, it's better to happen now than later with a house and kids, if she was right for me she would've fought for us etc, but the truth is I don't feel that way. I loved her in all of her forms through everything. The smallest smile or cheeky comment or cooking or the amazing things she did for because she was crazy about me and I loved it.

In the past two years I've put my studies back to help her get on her feet financially. I've stayed in a dead end job instead of putting myself first and finishing my pilots licence and getting into a job that I'd love everyday and be truly passionate about, because helping her put food on the table and a roof over her head was a higher priority to me.

I don't enjoy living with my sister and parents because honestly we're very different but I've stayed there until now because it was putting us both in the best position as we work towards having our own place and the wedding and marriage, and it was so close. Basically all the things I wasn't satisfied with yet were about to be rectified and I was working hard towards that satisfaction. One thing she said was I'll never be happy.

It's like I want her to see how happy I am and how I've gotten my life back on track and how well I'm doing in time so that she'll realise the huge mistake she's made.. but then obviously I'd be doing it for her and not for me..

I agree, it sounds like that would be doing it for her and not for you. Also, I don't think that mindset would get you there in the first place. If your motivation to become happy is to make someone else realise something, I don't think you end up happy. It sounds vengeful, and vengeful people don't tend to be happy.

Don't try to run away of being sad. Like I said before, your situation is very sad. If I were in your place I would be very sad.

But trying to run towards happiness without allowing yourself to grieve the loss may result in the grief eating you from the inside.

Yea I agree the grief is eating away at me. And dreaming about her every night for six weeks causing me to wake up multiple times a night is driving me insane. But I definitely will follow your advice and just keep allowing it to happen. I do really want to get better.

It doesn't help that we're used to quick-fixes for everything and really don't know how to grieve. Allowing it to happen - to pass through you - is the only way these emotions are going to lose their intensity.

But let's also not forget about no contact / no reminders. You're going to make it very difficult for yourself if you're in a position where you're constantly being reminded and retraumatized. I've had clients that took time away from their shared group of friends or moved to a different place altogether. It's THAT important that that calibre of change starts to make sense.

Also continue to do what you're doing: sharing, talking about it. It helps.

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