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I'm going no contact, now what?

Jesse Martin

May 18, 2014

From a reader:

Hey Jesse!

My girlfriend and I had been dating on and off for about 3 and a half years, now that we are both about to go off to college things got stressful and we started fighting much more. She broke it off, and has never seemed to look back. The times I have seen her she literally has not cared a inch about me wanting to get back together or anything along those lines. She is also talking to mutiple guys and I'm confused how she got over it so fast. Since I'm not going to school yet It's really hard for me to meet anyone new. We hung out one night, and everything was like it was before, and the next morning we woke up and she told me "this doesn't change anything" and then told me she didn't want to be in a relationship and drove away. Since then I told her I couldn't be friends with her anymore and she hasn't tried to contact me in anyway and seems fine talking to other guys. (No contact for about a week and half now) What to do?

Hey man, thanks for sharing your story. I'm sure a lot of readers can relate to the feelings of confusion, and abandonment you must be feeling. I've written about how ex-girlfriends move on so fast in the past, so I suggest you start by checking out that post.

If you're in a relationship and one or both of you are about to go to college, or are about to finish college, you're in for a major relationship test. A lot of relationships don't pass the stress test and dissolve. All that usually means is that they weren't built to last in the first place.

Think about it. If you can't hold the relationship together when you're both about to go to college, what about finding a job, getting kids, becoming sick? These are all stress tests on the relationship, and if you fail one the first ones, you should be grateful you're getting this information now, and not after having invested more time into the relationship.

You might not be able to fully appreciate this right now, but it seems she is putting the past behind her, you should too.

I think it's GREAT you said you can't be friends anymore. You're absolutely right, I don't think you can. But you can't just say it, and hope for her to contact you (that's what it sounds like you're doing). You have to LIVE it. You have to fully accept that things are over, you have to commit to continuing now as a new, bachelor version of yourself.

It might be hard to meet new people right now, but is it impossible? It sounds to me like something you should be doing, even though it might feel hard and strenuous at the moment. And that touches on a critical point. You need to get into the habit of doing what you know you should be doing.

You need to get into the habit of doing what you know you should be doing.

What would your life look like if you had never met her but at the same time you had the most awesome, amazing life? What would you be doing? What hobbies would you have, what people would you interact with?

Take that picture, of your ideal bachelor life, and start growing towards it.

Here are my three favorite pieces of advice you can start off with:

  1. Strictly no contact
  2. Lift weights/run
  3. Do radically new things
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Get her out of your head

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