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I did nothing to deserve this

Jesse Martin

January 20, 2018

First off, thank you for writing this post. I related with a lot of the points you made. My girlfriend left me a couple of weeks ago and I’m currently trying to piece myself together, but damn is it hard.

She explained to me that our relationship had to end because she didn’t know if she wanted to be in a committed relationship anymore. She went on about how she started feeling that way for a couple of months. It was after Thanksgiving she knew she was going to leave me for sure.

I personally could not trust a word that came out of her mouth at that point. I was so blown away by what she was saying because she always acted like she loved me. I never once thought her feelings were going another way because I trusted everything she told me. When she broke up with me she explained how she still loves and cares about me, which I found to be bullshit. It was bullshit because my friend later explained to me that she was out drinking with her new friends that same night.

The hardest part was that I knew when she broke up with me, that it was because she wanted to see someone else. I knew who the person was too. I had seen him at parties and other social gatherings and I saw the way she interacted with him that there might be a chance she had some connection with him. During the break up I brought up this point, and she assured me that was not the case. She said she didn’t even know if she wanted to date at all.

Well my feelings were confirmed when after a couple of weeks I saw her around campus with her new boyfriend. That day I lost my damn mind. I felt so betrayed and crushed because I knew everything she told me was a damn lie. All the times she told me she loved me during the months her feelings were going away, that I mattered to her, that she would always be there for me, it was all I fucking lie.

Its hard to think how someone you loved can move on so fast and have the time of their lives, while your sitting her devastated trying to figure out what to do. Even though I’ve been told many times not to blame myself, I can’t help but do. I question what I did do to deserve this? The hardest pill to swallow was that I did nothing to deserve it.

Its really hard to move on and focus on yourself when you feel like there is no point in doing so. Especially when this is the second time this has happened to you. At least this time it did not involve my best friend. Although it still hurts all the same, and for some reason it hurts worse. I truly loved this person and thought that she loved me too. While the entire time, behind all the fake bullshit she was feeding me, she was counting down the days she could leave me for someone else.

I think the hardest part for me is how I should deal with this anger. I have blocked her out of my life and accepted that I will never see her again. Now I’m just left with myself and all these angry emotions and no where to put them. I have smashed and thrown away anything that reminded me of her, but I’m still angry. This feeling keeps holding me back from moving on and bettering myself. I really just wish that I can turn on a switch and and forget everything about my ex as fast as she forgot about me. Although life isn’t that easy is it?

Sorry if this shit post was hard to read as Im still fresh from this break up. I just wanted to share my story and see if there was any suggestions on how to move on from this kind of break up. I just want to get rid of all this rage I have and I can’t find a healthy way to do it. I stay up at night thinking how my ex is probably fucking her new boyfriend while I’m sitting here in a shell of my former self.

Hey man,

Thanks for sharing and sorry to hear what you're going through. It sounds like a very tough pill to swallow, but it also sounds like this is exactly the pill you need to be swallowing where you are right now in your life. Let me explain.

You're describing what happened from your perspective. Understandable, it's what we default to. At the same time we can often glean the most insight into a situation if we look at it and describe it from a perspective other than our own. In your story in particular I suspect you'd feel differently about the situation if you'd be able to look at it differently. Here's an example.

You say she was lying to you. That's possible, but I think it's unlikely. It's far more likely her feelings changed, over time. It's difficult to be aware of what you're feeling exactly. It gets more difficult when your feelings evolve. It's more difficult still to accurately articulate your feelings. And if you're in a relationship where you're not trained and conditioned to articulate your feelings... well... you're not going to be hearing a whole lot of truth, that's for sure. But is it lying? I wouldn't say so.

So from your perspective she's not telling you the truth. But, perhaps, from her perspective, she didn't know the truth. Perhaps what she knew evolved, and has continued to evolve. Telling you she's not sure if she wants to be in a committed relationship anymore is an attempt at an easy let-down. It's her attempt at leaving the relationship without hurting your feelings.

Adopting a different perspective not only gives you more insight (and a better approximation of the truth), it also get rids of the notion that you were "lied" to. If you weren't lied to, there's less reason for you to be angry. Isn't that what you wanted to begin with?

There's something else going on here, if you've followed me this far. If you're able to look at your situation from a different viewpoint, gain insight and dissolve anger, all of that is happening in your head. None of it has to do with her. It's all about how you're approaching your thoughts and how you're interpreting what's happening in your life. Only by taking responsibility yourself for feeling angry can you work to overcome it.

Next, you mention that you "never once thought her feelings were going another way because I trusted everything she told me." I would be careful here not to cast everything into a black-and-white world where someone can either be trusted or not, or what they say is true or not. A woman can feel unsure about how she feels about you, but that doesn't mean she'll tell you in your face. And there are many instances where I think she shouldn't. Think about it. Some days you may feel more in love than others. If you're feeling less in love one day, should you tell your partner right away? And are you lying if you don't? No, of course not. It takes a while before you're able to see a pattern. And even when you do, it can be a short pattern that passes. These things aren't pinned down easily.

It's part of your job in a relationship and as a man to keep tabs on your woman's emotional state. Is she feeling happy? Is she feeling fulfilled? What she says is one thing, but how is she carrying herself, what is she radiating, what is she doing with her life? Words are only a small part of the story. It's more about noticing how she's feeling than asking how she's feeling. She won't spell it out for you, you need to develop a sixth sense for this.

This, incidentally, is what relationships teach you. If you're not in tune with how your partner feels, you have no barometer and no self-correction mechanism. If there is distance between you and your partner and if that distance is growing, you will be unaware of it and unable to correct course.

So, rather than believing that you did nothing to deserve this, that she lied to you and that that is the cause of your anger. I would encourage you to experiment with taking more responsibility for how you're feeling. What if your anger is the consequence of looking at this through your eyes only? Instead of asking what you did to deserve this, ask yourself what you did that got yourself here. Were there really no signs she was losing attraction for you? Was your sex-life amazing until the day you two broke up? Unlikely. You want to move past the anger? Let's start with some radical honesty with yourself.

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Get her out of your head

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