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I can't agree with you when you say she isn't lying

Jesse Martin

January 31, 2018

From a reader:

Hi Jesse,

I think it’s sugar coating reality when you say she isn’t lying. Well I can’t agree with it. When a woman left you for another guy and goes into the relationship with him, you know, she didn’t pull him out of the closet, so he has to be around and to prove himself to her that is better option than you. And that requires lying and emotional cheating.

I learned this the hard way. Everything was exactly like this guys post, to the word, except before she hooking up with him I secretly broke to her G-drive and saw some semi-nudes she was sending to him and some “I love you” cards from him and lot of romantic material. It was devastating.

When someone is planing to be with another guy for a long time and tells you she loves you and she cares… Well, maybe it’s not a lie, but she is hiding the truth that she cares for another guy more and that makes her “love you”, complete and utter BS.

I thing you should be more supportive, not to sugar coat the reality, but to help this guy accept the reality and his anger, and to transform it into his motivation to grow and to evolve. Telling him it wasn’t a lie, while she hooked up suddenly with another dude is just confusing for him to move on.

Also you was saying about how she even didn’t know her feelings… You are justifying her like she is a helpless potato and she can’t process her own emotions. And we should start talking about that more, girls should take more responsibility and as a males we must demand that. And to demand more communication when we are smothering them and we are not doing the things right. One big punishment for all “wrong” we did in the form of bad breakup is just not acceptable.

There is no excuse for someone telling you “I love you”, while hiding she is planing to leave you or she starts feeling something for another guy. And I totally support the OP of the comment/letter.

Bro, just turn your anger into something good for you, go to the gym, find a better job, be a better man. Grow, show yourself how big man you can be. Forget about her, she is not worth it, and move on and never ever take for granted what women say. Let their actions show you her feelings. Best!

Hey man,

Thanks for the response. I appreciate the honest feedback. I will concede that in the story you describe your ex was indeed not being honest with you and could very well have lied to you. However, women don't always need to reach the level of sending semi-nude pics with another man to feel confident enough to jump ship and I've read quite a number of stories where it did not get to that level.

But let's not forget that the original question was how to deal with anger. I believe your advice (which by the way is representative for the stereotypical advice given by men for men) isn't incredibly helpful. You don't "forget someone" on command and "never ever take for granted what women say" sounds like the words of an angry man. If you find yourself angry at women in general, there may be some emotions left for you to process.

My answer was geared towards dealing with anger and my advice is simply this: Stop blaming her, or women in general. Let us grant that she behaved disloyally, or even immorally. Still, blaming is not the answer. When you blame someone you are almost always implicitly giving someone power over how you feel. "If only they had not done X" then you would still be happy. What this also does is it works to enforce a victim mentality in your own mind. What you're telling yourself is that you are the victim and she has wronged you. My advice is to DROP the victim mentality and to avoid it like your life depends on it. It does not serve you well and only prolongs your suffering.

You are not a victim in my mind. The anger is just a layer on top of a layer of pain, which you're probably not acknowledging. Anger is our response when someone or something is causing us pain or threatens to cause us pain. It's a protective mechanism. And it's exhausting, stressful and not a pleasant place to be in. Sure it can help you extricate yourself from the relationship and you can channel some of it into the gym or other activities (something I would encourage). But ultimately that's not how you overcome anger.

Acknowledge that you're angry. Yes. But don't justify your reason for being angry by putting the blame on something external to yourself. Ultimately, it's not empowering, it's self-sabotaging.

The way I recommend you overcome anger is by assuming responsibility of your role in the failure of the relationship and assuming responsibility over your emotional state. Staying angry at the things she did to you in the past has no benefit to you. You cannot change the past and you cannot change what someone does. That's why I advise you focus on the things you CAN control.

What led up to this? Why are you in this situation? What decisions did you make that got you here? Why did this come as a surprise to you?

Insights like these will emerge if you examine your relationship honestly and viewing it through a third person's perspective is one way to help you achieve that. It would be nice if women would assume more responsibility and tell us about their feeling, it would also be nice if we did a better job at opening ourselves up to that possibility. The former we can't control, the latter we can. Guess what I would focus on.

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