How Your Ex-Girlfriend Moved On So Fast

How your ex-girlfriend moved on so fast

One recurring pattern I’ve noticed in the breakup stories that guys share with me is that they are shocked at how (seemingly) fast their ex-girlfriend is able to move on.

Perhaps she started seeing someone else within days of your breakup, or she left you for another guy. Or maybe she just seems to be handling the whole breakup a lot better than you are.

The question remains: how is she able to move on so fast, and why does all this seem so much harder on you than it is on her?

I’ve come up with, what I believe to be, a fairly good approximation of what is going on. In my view there are several factors at play here.

Her attachment pattern plays an important role

If your ex has moved on seemingly quickly, it may have to do with her attachment pattern, which might very well be anxiously attached.

A study from the University of Toronto has found that anxiously attached individuals can more easily let go of their ex-partners if they focus on someone new.

What they observed is that anxiously attached individuals are naturally pessimistic about their chances of finding someone else. As a result of this pessimism they feel longing for their ex-partners when broken up and put up with more ‘crap’ during their relationship in order to feel secure.

The authors found that by changing the outlook of these anxiously attached individuals from being pessimistic about their prospects of finding a new partner to being optimistic, the feelings of longing for their ex-partners could be reduced. How could this outlook be changed from pessimistic to optimistic? As the authors admit, a rebound relationship, for one, could have that effect, but also simple optimistic suggestions could result in reduced feelings of longing as well.

Take pause for a minute and truly understand what the authors are saying here. They are saying that simply by giving a woman optimistic suggestions they can reduce her longing for her (ex-) partner.

If something as trivial as optimistic suggestions can change her feelings about you, imagine what genuine interest from another guy could do. This effect cannot be underestimated.

If your ex-girlfriend has an anxious attachment pattern, she may have stayed with you only because she was pessimistic about her alternatives.

We decide to leave a relationship based on our comparison with alternatives

There’s a framework that some scientists use to analyze relationships. It’s called the social exchange model view of relationships and the underlying idea is that human relationships can be seen as the result of people making cost-benefit analyses and comparing their alternatives. According to this model you choose to leave a relationship based on a comparison with the alternatives you have and not solely based on your dissatisfaction with the relationship.

Ponder that for a second.

If your ex-girlfriend was unhappy, she might have stayed with you because she didn’t feel her alternatives were that much better. But when a cute guy at work suddenly showed an interest in her, she was gone in a heartbeat. It’s not that the other guy was so amazing, but comparatively, it may have seemed like a better alternative for her at the time.

I believe this is why you ex-girlfriend’s behavior can seem erratic, going from “I love you” to “I love him now”, seemingly overnight. If that’s the case, I also believe there’s another way looking at the situation:

The only thing keeping her in the relationship in the first place was her pessimism towards finding someone new.

The fact that your girlfriend was able to move on so quickly might be an indication of an anxious attachment pattern and her being dissatisfied in the relationship.

On top of that your ex-girlfriend, at some level, was likely dissatisfied with the relationship. And you – as you’ll gradually come to understand – were probably dissatisfied as well.

She started grieving the failed relationship and contemplating her exit strategy long before it happened

Nobody in a loving, committed relationship wakes up one day, having lost all their feelings of love, and decides to break up with their partner soon after.

These things take time. When the thought of leaving someone first enters their mind, they push it away. They feel guilty for even having had that thought.

They try to convince themselves that they’re with an amazing person and that they should feel lucky! Perhaps they redouble their effort in the relationship. They initiate sex more, they get you a bunch of little gifts, they start planning trips. Anything to rekindle the spark they once had. [1]

This might help a little bit, some of the time, but the thoughts keep returning, the feelings aren’t going away.

So they confide in a close friend. They go out for drinks, and after weeks or even months of not daring to say out loud what they’ve been thinking, they blurt out their darkest thoughts. And what they get back from their friends is consideration and understanding. They’re there for them. They want what’s best for them.

After a couple of weeks of talking it over with their friends and family, they finally make the decision that they’re going to end things. But that’s going to be so hard! How are they supposed to move on from this? How are they supposed to live life without this other person by their side?

So they get really sad and despondent. You recognize that something is wrong, and attempt to console them. You start doing all these extra nice things for them, because you can tell something is wrong, but you don’t know what. They cry in your arms constantly. They want to tell you their feelings, but they’re afraid of you lashing out.

So they just remain in the relationship, miserable, and sad, and wondering how much longer it’s going to take before they finally actually commit to ending it.

And then one afternoon, after much support and insistence from their family and friends, they sit you down and tell you that it’s over.

And that’s why when you ask to talk about it, they refuse.

That’s why all your texts go unanswered.

That’s why they appear to be so cold.

That’s why weeks after you break up, they’re on instagram and facebook having a great time with their friends.

That’s why a couple months after you break up, they’re able to start seeing someone.

Because they’ve already done the grieving part. Everything that you’re going through right now, they’ve already been through it. Only they were able to use your love to help get through it.

It’s not that they were able to move on so quick. It’s just that they had a super head start on the grieving process.


If she was dissastisfied, she was probably mulling over breaking up with you, consciously or unconsciously, for quite some time. This gives her a perceived head start in recovering after the breakup. I’ve found support for this view by talking to women who went through a similar experience as the initiator of the breakup. I also had a client who experienced something similar recently and was able to talk to his ex about it. Here’s what he said:

I had an in-depth text convo with her today. Turns out she’s been slowly processing her decision to let go before finally unleashing it on me.

So although it may seem that both your recovery processes should have both started the second you broke up — it often doesn’t play out that way. She’s going to be further along in processing her emotions.

But there’s a more important truth here: Her recovery — anything she is doing for that matter — has nothing to do with you anymore. You have no responsibility anymore towards how she feels.

Your mind is going to want to fixate on her. You’re going to want to know what she’s doing, how she’s doing, who she’s doing it with. That’s because on a physical level you’re still in love with her, you’re still biologically addicted to her. Your biological wiring is engineered to motivate you to find out about her so you can get back together with her.

We need to see this phenomenon for what it is: thoughts and feelings. And they’re not helping you recover.

You need to start catching yourself when your mind wanders towards anything that pertains to her.

Acknowledge the experience:

“I feel like I want to know how she could move on so quickly. It’s making me feel really sad about myself”

“Even though I feel sad and feel that I want to know more about what she’s going through — whatever she is going through no longer has anything to do with me. I am now caring about myself first and foremost.”

Then redirect your thoughts or change what you’re doing.

Rinse and repeat.

It’s not a race

Just because she moved on quickly, or quicker than you, doesn’t mean she’s better off in any way. It’s not a race for whoever finds the best relationship first. Your mind is going to want to compare your progress to hers. Don’t let it. It doesn’t contribute anything to your path forward from here. Instead, focus on who you want to be and what you want your life to look like.

Those who are quick to walk away, never intended to stay

The title of this section is a popular quote that gets thrown around when someone’s ex moves on quickly. I think there’s some truth to it, but it’s also (obviously) an oversimplification.

As we saw earlier in this article, whether we stay in a relationship is largely based on how we view our alternatives. If your girlfriend dumps you for the first guy that shows her attention (e.g. a shitty alternative) then I think it’s fair to say she wasn’t going to be around for a long time anyway.

If, however, you two split up and she is able to move on with her life seemingly quickly, she might also just be “good” at moving on. Resilient people don’t allow themselves to ruminate and take a pro-active approach towards bouncing back. In this case her moving on quickly says nothing about how she felt about you or the relationship – it only says something about how resilient she is.

So it depends. Her moving on quickly doesn’t necessarily mean she never loved you. At the same time, if she’s left you for the first guy that gave her a compliment – you can be confident she never intended to stay.

Make sense? Let me know.

About Jesse

I’ve been helping guys recover from their breakups since 2012. Work with me to fast-track your recovery.


  1. Lorne Brand says:

    Just to support what your article says & keeping it v brief. We broke up on 1st jan. For me it came out the blue & I was devastated. On discussing why & what went wrong she said it started on holiday (August 19), she felt we didn’t talk much! (Whether i agree or not & the other excuses she came up with are irrelevant,) my point being that for months before she pulled the trigger was when she was thinking about it. On reflection I can see a couple of other indications along the way. I think its sad she was in that place for so long. Also she wasn’t going to say at new year (I’m a Scot & it’s an important Holiday/celebration for us) I noticed her getting distant, asked her why & she found the courage (having had a new year drink) to finally say it.
    Those who know my story, know we’re stuck in the same house. My son & I are moving as soon as his exams are done. (This is to do with house sale times, house rental contracts etc. We’re moving away & i dont want to be trapped here if the house doesn’t sell quick & she’s already moved out!).
    So hopefully come June I’ll get my new start. Of course the position is painful but i hope I’m making progress & we avoid each other best we can.
    This article in its entirety answered questions i had that she really couldn’t! ( I also feel her age (approaching 50, & a huge deal for her) & job unhappiness are contributing factors).
    I’m really looking forward to my new start & i look forward to embracing it.
    “Without the rain we wouldn’t notice the rainbow, embrace the rough days & know better days are on the way”. Good luck guys. Stay strong. & once again thanks Jesse Martin.

  2. Urgent need some help.
    I was whit my girlfriend for 17 years. We have a wonderful daughter of the age of 6.
    Our problems start 4 years ago, becos of my job. She was very jealous as I have contact whit many girls, although I never cheated on here, and she knew this. Also in she’s opinion I was not helped she whit everyday work whit my daughter,I was neglected she, which I agree to some point. Well here our problems starts, she gives me an ultimatum, that if I love she I must quit my job and fined another one. After time, I agree and I quit my job. But from this point all become iven worst for booth, as I start to be depressed, I can’t fined another job and I start to use drugs. After a year of depression and self-destruction she put me out of she’s house, and I start to live like homeless, from time to time she gave me some money to buy some food and this was our contact. Well two months ago I fined some job which give me enough money to start living like normal person, it’s a hard job, but I can live by my own, and I am happy whit this. I start to make contact whit my ex, and she replays to my messages, but in the meantime she confesses me she has another boyfriend for two months, and she say that is happy and in love, and she don’t fell nothing for me any moor. I go for no contact but due to we have a daughter together I must interact whit she from time to time i was sending some messages. Also she aloud me to see my daughter only one time per week. She also agrees to meet whit me one time, and we got to have a drink, but I start to feel needy and sorry for what I did, she rejected me immediately, she tells me that between us is over and I must accept it as soon as better for me and move on stairway ,otherwayI will be only hurt. She also tells that my daughter like she’s new boyfriend, and they both are happy whit new person come in she life. I go no contact again for one week now. Today I send some messages again about contact whit my child,but i don’t receive any replay. This week I also have a new job interview, and I was selected for a high profile job, which give me an opportunity to get a decent payment, the problem is my job will consist in travelling around the world and not be present in my hometown and country for a while.

    I still love she and I don’t know how to fined a solution for my problem to get she back. Any advice is welcome.

    Thank you from the heart and good bless you all.

  3. hey guys Are you getting any therapy or breakup recovery coaching around this? I hope so, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot. I recently did a podcast around “Why you’re still thinking about your Ex (and how to stop).” I hope you check it out and that it helps you find your way forward.Here’s the post, if you’re interested:
    I hope these resources help you…

  4. Austin Garland says:

    My girlfriend broke up with me on October 29 and it is currently November 14. The breakup for me was very unexpected and seemed like it came out of nowhere. The day she broke up with me I was so hurt and confused I just lashed out and told her I didn’t care and I don’t want her to crawl back to me. The next day she contacts me and asks me how I’m doing and I tell her that I’m heartbroken. She just says I’m sorry and all the cliche stuff. Come Halloween I go to her house and try to talk with her and she tells me there is another guy and says a lot of hurtful things like the guy makes her happier than I ever did keeping in mind we had been together for a year and a half and she had been talking with him for a couple weeks. I tried to get others involved as a last resort and begged and pleaded for her not to leave. I proposed to her as well. Everyone says the proposal was a last ditch effort to keep her with me which yeah I was afraid to lose her but I also did feel that way about her. I bought her a promise ring months before so getting married was always a plan with me. That being said we are only 18 and still have to get our lives together so needless to say it’s probably too early to get married. Later that night she had a change of heart or so I thought and told the guy that she wanted to stay with me for the simple fact that I love her and he doesnt. He then pleaded with her to talk about so she went on a private phone call with him and talked about it. After all was said and done her choice was still supposedly made and I spent the night and we cuddled together. The next morning I told her I wasn’t joking about getting married and she said she would marry me. She put the ring I proposed to her with on a necklace and wore it around. Then she wanted to go to Kansas to go see her dad and I wanted to come along. At first she said she wanted to go by herself but after she made her choice to stay with me she wanted me to go. So we went and on the whole way there we drove and she held my hand and we had a good time playing arcade games and just having fun. We would kiss a lot too. Then we got to Kansas and we would stay in the same bed and she would ask me to cuddle her at night and everything. We played games together and in the chat she would tell me she loved me and also in person just tell me that I was hot and she loved me. A couple nights in to staying in Kansas I asked for her father’s blessing and that’s when shit hit the fan. Her dad was extremely angry and in turn made her angry and so I had to buy a plane ticket home because she was going to stay there and I had no other means of getting back home. Essentially she ditched me. Another thing to note is she was texting the other guy the whole time we were in Kansas as well. I went home on November 10 and she hasn’t talked to me since and it’s November 14. She came back home on the November 13 and has already gone to the other guy’s house but has not even contacted me. I’m trying to give her space and work on myself but I can’t get her out of my mind I mean for a year and a half we were practically attached at the hip and now there is just a void. It’s hurts and I miss her and I really want her to give me a chance to show her who I can really be and that I am better than anyone else she can choose

    • You’re feelings for her are blinding you from — what sounds like — shitty behavior on her part. If she was close with you at her dad’s house and you got kicked out for asking for his blessing, then that’s a major incident in your relationship you need to talk through. The fact she went radio silent after that really doesn’t help at all. Also, the fact she was texting this guy while you were together shows you her values and how she’s willing to treat you. You, on the other hand, by wanting her back are implicitly forgiving her for this behavior.

      You need to show some self-respect. Self-respect is a form of self-love and it’s more important than your feelings for her. You cannot love anyone if you don’t love yourself. By accepting shitty treatment you’re reinforcing a belief in yourself that you’re not worthy of better treatment. This, incidentally, is why you still want her back. Change the belief and you change your feelings.

  5. I agree with you. I left my ex about 2 months ago. I forgave him about 4-5 infidelities (that I got him to confess because I found shady texts). This last time I forgave him, I met an amazing guy and he made me realize that there are still a lot of good guys who not only are physically attractive but through their actions show me that they have morals and respect… but it was then at that moment when I met this new guy that I realized there were better options out there…

    My ex did one final “f**ck up” before I finally decided “how much is too much?.. what else does he need to do for you to finally realize this is a dead end relationship, what other excuse do you need to hear?”… so when he came to me with “It was a mistake” (again -_-) I asked him to leave my house and never come back

    Long story short, I left him and this new guy is visiting me tomorrow. I still feel sad about my ex, I had a lot of love for him, at some point I pictured us married. I even had a board on pinterest with his outfits (crazy!) but this time, I started the realization a lot before we got back one last time.

  6. hi, my name is Erlangga. My girlfriend was the love of my life, we have been together for 12 years and now I am 28 years old. I just started working and it was entrepreneur trust me it is insecure about our future of getting married. then. she asks me how secure are you while I know I was in trouble. I was so mad and so sad she asks me that question because she is something special to me. thats where I told her I want to break up. it doesn’t take long until my business started to grow, about one month later. Now I tried to get her back because I am in control. but she already hoping for another guy to lift her up to the sky. I feel so bad. I wanted to be that man. I took the step of becoming entrepreneur because of her. now I have nowhere to go to.

  7. Me and my ex broke up and about 2 weeks later while scrolling through social media I run into her page so I’m like wait I thought I blocked her from everything so I click on it and here she is with a new guy so I’m like wow she moves fast. Me and her been together for 3 years and I have never been on her social media so you know I was kind of pissed. Now let’s go back to the events before the breakup in December I think it was I approached her and asked her what was going on she has been very distant and I’m not liking it at all so I ask her if there is someone else she seeing or talking to because not only are you not making a effort to see me we also don’t talk and text as much on the phone I can admit I used to tell her she was a bit clingy and I felt kind of smothered so I guess it was her way of giving me space and I wasn’t liking it I mean I wasn’t even sleeping with her. So I tell her if this is how our relationship going to be then I won’t accept it and it’s best we separate, she tells me she was sorry and she promised she will make a better effort and she blamed it on work and stress. She started a new job that she worked from 6pm till 2:30am and my job schedule was very hectic work 80 hours a week we she started the job we both knew we wouldn’t see each other much but we got the make our money but we’ll do our best. So after having the talk with her I sat back and watched her closely not only didn’t she make a effort the talking was even less she calls me one day and said your being very distant is everything ok so at this point I’m confused I’m like hell no you not going to flip this on me you know you being distant and I’m not going to stress it she tells me good don’t stress it then and we both know where this is going so I’m angry now and I tell her it not going anywhere because we already at that point so she tells me ok cool good luck with your new girlfriend I block her and 2 weeks later new guy I call her a few days later to talk and she agrees so I ask her about new guy she tells me oh it was just a date he’s not really my type but you broke up with me so I figured one date won’t hurt so I tell her ok. So we decided to work on fixing us and taking it one day at a time but something wasn’t sitting right with me for weeks she finally tells me after lying for weeks that she really likes the guy and she has been seeing him when we were still together she said she was sorry and she made a mistake turned out the grass wasn’t greener on the other side the guy was very disrespectful and treated her like shit and I asked her why, she said I didn’t make her feel wanted and appreciated and he was filling a void that was missing with me he told her everything she wanted to hear to sleep with her and completely changed after

  8. Andrian says:

    Jesse, I read this and it was somewhat a tough read. In a good sense, of course and I’d like to say I believe this is what happened to me with my ex. The way you described how it wasnt going to work regardless helped me realize that aspect about myself and her false pretenses going into our relationship then. I’ve been doing fine with some words of encouragement and reminding myself to love myself again and caring enough about her to let her do her thing without bothering her. My life has been happier and fun filled since she dumped me for another man so to speak. I’ve met a great girl a month out and now im feeling focused and incontrol of my life again. Thanks again Jesse for this.

  9. Mark Scott says:

    Great article Jesse. It’s like you were literally there in my relationship, observing and taking notes before writing it all up. Especially the emotional addiction stuff.
    My ex is a woefully codependent people pleaser and expected the same back in return. When I didn’t provide it and held my boundaries instead we’d have the shittiest fights about absolutely nothing. One time she threw a tantrum because I didn’t want to brush my teeth with her before bed! And the longer we were together, the worse it got.
    I realised I couldn’t ever make someone like that happy, and it was draining me beyond measure, as well as making her unhappy because she was no longer taking responsibility for herself and her happiness. She’d lost herself. I tried explaining this all to her and it seemed to go in… until another ridiculous, needless fight occurred and we went back to square one.
    And in the first three or so weeks after the breakup she really was a mess, doing all sorts of anxious, clingy things that no self respecting person would do, while I tried even harder to hold my boundaries for my own self respect. She made my (male) housemate her breakup buddy, for instance, and started buying him gifts and inviting him for dinner – pretty much trying to make someone close to me a surrogate replacement for my company. Which just pissed me off and left me feeling paranoid and disrespected. The only thing that got me through was everyone telling me how much she was struggling and missing me. I could at least empathise with that. I’d dumped her and I didn’t want to make it worse.
    Then suddenly … WHOOSH… she’s out drunk right in front of me with all of our friends, bouncing off everyone and grinning and enjoying herself, like I wasn’t even there. I was left rooted to the spot feeling like a mug for ever being concerned about her, scared of what she might do in front of me with her newly acquired singledom and dutch courage.
    I broke up with her because she was a wreck, but suddenly it was ME – the one with boundaries, who always managed my life and friendships effectively even as she tried to enmesh – that was struggling to function.
    The fact that she asked me several times that night if I was alright felt like even more of a headfuck. NO I’M NOT. BUT YOU ARE. HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED. After the way she’d drained me both together and immediately after our split, I was already a nervous wreck, and that evening was outright traumatic as a result. Adding to that, later on she tried to drink-drive home and one of our friends essentially forced her to stay at theirs. So she still wasn’t taking responsibility for herself. Then she lied to me and said she had asked to stay with the friend, who quickly informed me what bullshit that was.
    And since then, she’s repeatedly said how much she cares and called me her ‘best friend’… but she’s appeared more and more fine, managing her life more while I’ve carried that pain through and slipped further into depression and resentment. It’s so absolutely fascinating to step back and see the way it’s flipped, but it’s dreadful to be going through.
    We’ve since agreed to split events with our friends, but the first one she took she didn’t even go to, and didn’t even let me know – but DID make sure to let one of our friends know she was seeing a ‘friend’ that night instead, which is a sure sign to me that she’s prioritising a rebound (at the breakup, seeing those friends was all that mattered to her. She doesn’t HAVE many friends outside of our group). And now she’s dropped off the face of the Earth – which I should be happy about, because I get my life back. But it’s also a reminder about how she’s clearly got something better going on. Every time I think about that, I get rooted in that feeling, to the point where I’m not even sure I’ll enjoy the events I do go to. I’m even back on dating sites, cruising for something to numb the feeling – which I know is unhealthy for me, but I feel the need to push myself to move on, too. The difference is, she’s doing it because she actually IS detached, at least enough to entertain the idea. I’m doing it despite not being over her. Which is unhealthy for me in the long run, and really, it’s unfair on the next girl I get involved with as well. But I guess that’s MY anxious attachment pattern at work.
    There are some things I take heart from: this was definitely a relationship laced with dysfunction. It wasn’t real, pure love, although in amongst the dependence, there was genuine affection. And it wasn’t a relationship with a real future: everything I saw both in, and out, of the relationship has confirmed she isn’t somebody I could be with for the long run.
    Unfortunately right now she’s pretty much fine, and I’m not. She’s moving on, and I’m not. And because I’m the dumper, our friends are looking to me to rise above it, when I’m the one with more resentments to work through.
    And that sucks.

  10. Elaine Marie says:

    I don’t even know if anyone looks at this anymore lol. But I read the article and a lot of the comments and wanted to give a perspective of someone who has been the girl who moved on quickly ( and lived to regret it). Contrary to some people’s opinions I wasn’t checked out and nor did I ever want to move on quickly. But he dumped me so i ran into the arms of someone else. My ex tried to get me back and I refused. Years later and it still crushes my soul that I never tried w him again. He is married now..has kids. Nothing too much sadder than the gnashing of teeth and what ifs. So guys sometimes we move on fast to protect ourselves or to numb the pain…it wasn’t that we didn’t care or want you so badly. But we f*#$ed it all up in the end.

  11. Brian Pence says:

    this article was amazing, and the comments even better. me and my ex just broke up less than 2 week ago, i moved out and found out she is talking seriously to another guy already (btw we broke up around dec 15th, and this is the 23rd merry christmas). we have a 4 year old son together so i cant just ignore her and forget the relationship. this is also the second time we had a break up, about 2 years ago she left me for another man because i made her feel (neglected) i work full time, until later at night. we broke up for 6 months, during which time she seen 4 different men, and i only mildly talked to other women (no sex on my end). then she wanted me back and like an idiot i said yes. not 2 years later, we break up she swears she changed and wants to be single and find herself, then gets a bf not even 2 weeks later. it hurts the think its so easy to just forget all we had for someone else so fast, it feels like it was all worthless. but maybe this is the wakeup call i finally needed to see she is toxic and i dont need her in my life as anything other than, mother of my child.

    • Hey Brian,

      Of course it feels like it was all worthless, that’s what I would think in your place as well.

      Hurt people, hurt people. She sounds like she has some unresolved pain she’s trying to mask over with different relationships.

      I’m glad you see it as a wake-up call, because it sounds like one to me. But it also sounds like an important point to reflect for you. Why did the old Brian not pick up on any of the red flags?


  12. karan2111 says:

    Me and my recently become ex girlfriend got separated almost 2 months back ….I am in love with her for last 10 years and for last 4 years she was in serious relationship with me ….I proposed her in 2006 when she was 16 years old and I was 25 years old …but after I found she was chatting whole night with someone , one of her classmates …I shouted on her in a hotel and slapped her …she separated and focussed in study ….later in 2008 again we reunited with the help of her elder sister …this time she might thought I was changed and I was literally changed but I lived her I my and allowed none to enter in my life ….she pursued her graduation in a metro city but alongside started enjoying friend circles and nightlife with other guys and specially with one gut ..I left my job career relationship with family friends and transferred to the location where she was studying …I was her local guardian in her hostel also …So easily we could meet and hang around …we dreamed of marriage after her graduation and my career settlement in same metro ..but after finding her these weird acts I got annoyed felt cheated and informed her parents at home town ….her parents called her to her home town and she had to get back to drakonian regime for career and study she blamed me for this and in turn I blamed her for infidelity ….3 Yeats we didn’t see each other …she loved someone else in her college days in 2009 to 2011 and I as busy in my career my age was 31 till then …I got good opportunity to work abroad and I left my country ..but I didn’t allow any girl to enter in my life in between ….again in 2011 because of intermediation by her elder sister we again reunited but she was reluctant to proceed with me that time she again relocated to the same metro city which she lest in 2009 …she came there for her post graduation course from one of country’s leading universities……she came to meet me personally in hotel we had physical affair but she didn’t want to proceed in her personal life with me ….I kept my cool and furnished all responsiblilities such as gifting wishing on time to time on different occasions …later on in 2012 she again met me and disclosed she was having affair with someone physically and emotionally …when her current boyfriend came to know that she came to meet me he shouted and abused her and I listened all but told him to stay away as she wa with me then ….that fellow stayed away and from then me and my now ex started a fresh new life since 2011…I visited approximately 8 times to my home country in order to keep her emotionally satisfied and providebher time …though it was always a long distance relationship but we always kept our emotions high ….she was physically attached with other guys in past too but since I loved her I ignored all these …in between 2013 – 2015 I couldn’t visit my home country because of my professional commitments and personal issues and she completed her post graduation and joined a contractual job for 2 yrs as teaching …her age was 24 yrs and mine was 33 yrsr …in between she found one of her colleague young charming and emotionally attached to this guy…later she hanged around withbsane guy at several locations and hill station to enjoy her life …they had physical affair also ….she told me about this guy and told that this guy had proposed her but she wanna go with me in life ahead ….she actually wanted to be with that guy from core of her heart but may be she was just carrying on relationship with me perhaps under obligation sincebi was just caring too much in terms of financial support and as a typical husband material but not as a boyfriend material …in bertween she told me these stuff and expressed her desire that she was not happy in our relationship but later on it was ok …and we started again as usual our talks and love ….in between these 2-2.6 yrs since I couldn’t get back to home country and meet her she came to meet me abroad where I am working ….after completion of her contractual job she got a full time job in a public sector bank as manager with decent salary…this is the job for which most people aspire forbinnthag country and if some male get that kind of job his demand in society touches sky high so career was now she was setteled in June 2016=…here her ex colleague come boyfriend also got settled in an MNC near to her working location in same country …very recently in 2016 I visited my home country and i found that just before a month both of them ( my ex girlfriend andbhwr ex colleague dum existing boyfriend ) had gone to hill station to enjoy …I got proofs of this trip and their some other trips also in her iPhone as pics and chats which showed her emotional attachment with that guy …I showed to her but she told me nothing like that happened as I thought ….I ignored again and reprimanded her to start a fresh life again by forgetting all these infidelity ….recently I got introduced to her family for marriage but very sooner don’t know cause of what reason she became infidel again and lied to me lot of stuffs like she was busy in some training and didn’t find time to meet me ( which was proved wrong by her bank branch manager and later I came to know these lie ) actually she gone to a hill station with a male member of her office , office colleague and she was in touch with her constatntly for almost a month completely …every night she was talking to her 1 hour and was telling me that someone else like her other colleague is talking to her ..I was with my parents so I couldn’t even trace who he or she was….with same guy she had gone to hill station to spend her weekend rather abounded me to meet even I requested her that I have lumutedbtime here to see her coz I can move abroad sooner ….later I found she had proposed tjisbguy also …don’t know whether they had physical affair or not which they deny outrightly but later I came to completw realty about her past physical and emotional attachment with someone else with whom she still in touch with and crave for …and the recent male with whome she had gone to that hill station , she is still in touch with him ….these all pained me a lot and eventually I bursted out i abused her verbally randomly and slapped and physically tortured her up to certain extent too …I was so aggrieved and in pain I asked her to give back my gifted items engagement ring and all other gifts which I had given her in past such as gold coin etc retc……..though these are worthless for me coz I still love her and want her to get married only cause I had forgiven her in past so have that courage to forgive her again …but she has cut off all kind relationship with me and she has become indifferent towards me …i realized from some sources she has done intentionally to keep me out from her life ….she has portrayed my image in her friend circles as psycho and criminal etc. Etc…..therefore none of her friends entertain me or listen me as well….in between I was so angry I started sharing our some pvt pics ( her pics with me and pics with her ex boyfriends) with her current bank colleagues and sisters it backfired me and her sister warned me to go for legal action and her friends informed her that I was doing such …I was looking for sort of revenge and favour from her friends but it backfired me ……. i was stalking her whatsapp through some other account now she has deleted that and created a new one which I don’t even know and none of her friends or anybody is willing enough tondiaclose to me coz no body even takes my call and she has told everyone that my ex boyfriend is psycho don’t talk to him and ignore whatever he talks about ……even her colleague with whole she had gone to hill station has deleted his whatsapp account …I doubted both of them are in relationship …….on 25th may 2016 she had bday but I didn’t even wish her coz I was following no contact rule …..followed strictly for 90 days …now when i am back to home country and and got a job with average decent figure in a bank , i talked to the guy with whome she plotted story to keep me out from her life and spent one night with same guy ( her office colleague)…..though that guy confirmed me that my ex GF and that guy didnt have sex or any physical relation but my Ex GF had proposed her which this guy denied coz he was already committed somewhere…..since upon knowing the fact that she spent night with some male i abused my Ex GF and taken back all gifts and diamond ring presented to her as engagement ring and i hit and slapped her also , this has made her more fierce and gave her excuse to throw me out of her life …..meanwhile she openly announced ( to friends , families ) her previous boyfriend as her new fiancee ***** upcoming / future husband with whome she was attached in past when she was attached to me as well….as per her colleague ,with whome she spent one night at hill station and betrayed me , she is in relationship with the previous guy but love this guy from heart and still talks positive points about me but coz of last day my aggressive behaviour at time of separation , she cant accept me in her life anymore……….. plz help me to get her back to force her to love me back intensely if possible …plz help me….i still love her want to spend whole life with her irrespective of fact with whosoever she has slept or sleeping now….we are no more in touch for last approx 6-7 monthsand she has blocked me everywhere and every weekend she goes to spend holidays with her new BF …..m in horrible situtaion and depression ….seems lost all coz i have my all on her starting from time career money relationship almost everything ….i was needy clingly and controlling in nature ….was doubting on her and her hidden relationship with her current BF in past when when she was in relationship with me ……but eventually she proved me right and now enjoying life with new BF……I STILL LOVE HER from core of heart ….can forget all her betrayal and wanna spend life with her but cant do anything….. plz guide

    • Hey man,

      I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.

      I have to say, you sound like you’re not in touch with reality. Your relationship sounds absolutely terrible, your attachment pattern sounds incredibly painful and it sounds like your ex wants absolutely nothing to do with you.

      Yet you’re putting yourself through so much pain by not accepting that it is over.

      I know this feels like the end of the world to you and that’s why you’re so focused on wanting her back. But you need to understand that feeling isn’t as strong as it is because of she’s so special. It’s so strong because your attachment pattern turns any love you have for someone into a life-or-death situation.

      Physical violence is the clearest indication that you need to stop, wake up and look in the mirror. You’re out of bounds here man. You need to understand yourself before you can continue.

      In your case I would seriously consider getting professional help.


  13. Thank you. I had been with my girlfriend for two and a half years and despite feeling like it was building towards it she decided she wanted a break this split my heart in half. So I ended it as I couldn’t face being on a break (not knowing what she was doing etc) so this has cleared my head a lot.

  14. I was with my ex for 3 years and he cheated on me so we split, before he left me, we were planing to get married in the future, I loved him so much but I became tired of him lying to me every time he opens his mouth, I went into search for help in the internet, I tried many different spells from almost every place locally as well as online and none of them worked, I almost gave up hope because I thought i will never see my lover again forever, one day i saw some testimony about this powerful spell caster Mr Robinson i emailed him and i asked him to help me bring back my lover and he did A Lover Spell for me And after some days, my lover returned back to me I’d like to say that i got a positive result from (robinson.buckler@ (yahoo). com) ever since i used his love spell, my lover have learned to appreciate me more and more day by day, and he doesn’t take me for granted…

  15. Kristen Cohen says:

    I celebrated my fourth year Marriage anniversary yesterday, i can remember it was Priest Ajigar that help me. We broke up when we were dating few years back and i tried all ways to get him back to me but nothing work and after trying all means i had to sick for the help of Priest Ajigar because i heard and saw so many testimonies about him on a blog site, i had to consult him for help too and he brought him back to me in just 4 days after the counsel, prayers and spell was done in his temple he was back to me and we got married after 3 months. Yesterday we celebrated our 4th year marriage anniversary , we have been living together as husband and wife after Priest Ajigar brought him back to me, we are still living together peaceful till date and we have a boy. Here is his email(priestajigarspells @ live . com) if you want to contacted him concerning your relationship problem or if you want your relationship to be lovely like mine. I’m so very happy and i just want you all to know that he is very powerful and can change your situation.

  16. heartbrokendude says:

    thanks for this article i really had a hard time understanding why she moved on so fast in a week i mean we were engaged for 2 years wanting to have kids a house and all of that typical husband and wife stuff she never even broke up with me she just blocked me on everything while she was staying at her moms because i was crying on the phone with her about how i miss her and she doesnt treat me same and she just told me to take depression pills i cried more cause i just wanted her emotional support then she hung up on me and blocked me a week later i tried to contact her threw email saying im gonna work on myself and wait for you that morning she replied “you should listen to this song i think its our song were the joker and Harley i love you talk to you soon” that same day at night i get a message from my friend who iv been telling to keep an eye on her instagram of a picture of the guy not even them together saying “this is the best guy iv met ever i cant wait to see what happens with us” and he replied “awww your the best sweetie” like wtf i remember she was saying i was the best guy she ever met and she literally said the same thing with this dude shes only known for a week maybe even a month when we were still talking she basically cheated on me with no respect to even end it with me before she moved on if id never told my friend to keep an eye on her i would never had known i would have been her rebound incase that relationship didnt work out i thought she loved me but when we first got in the relationship she just got out of one in which i found out 1 months after being with her

  17. Ronnie Rooney Ronnie says:

    My ex got engaged with the guy within 3 weeks of breakup who she used to be her friends in benefits. She broke up with me by accusing me being controlling, where I only ask her to tell her current fiancé, her friends to give us some personal space. She used to go out with her friends at least 3-5 nights in a week leaving me alone at home. I asked her to introduce to her friends she didn’t and now I know why. She also told me that she broke up with me because of my cultural and religious background. I’m ethnically Bengali and non-practicing Muslim (Agnostic). But she was dating me with no issues. I was going very well with all of her family and now she treat me like outsider. She is devoted to this guy and showing off her engagement ring to whenever I saw her at work. Oh I forgot to tell we work together. Actually I got her the job in my place. We were together for 7 months. Now her treatment towards the other guy hurts me a lot. I don’t know what to do. I love her a lot. I’m 28 years old she is the only relationship I have ever had. I waited for the right girl to come to my life and I thought she is the one. Please help me.

  18. James L says:

    This article hit the nail on the head pertaining to my relationship. To make it short, i always felt like i was the one putting in all the effort into the relationship of 5 years. She never had a direction in life and she was always struggling financially which should’ve been red flags for me. I met her while she was 22 and i was 25 and i supported her financially throughout. Fast forward to the last couple of months before the breakup even after we got back from a great vacation, and getting proposed to in Hawaii 6 months before that, i noticed she started acting cold and distant, and stopped pretty much talking to me. It was like we were just roommates at one point. Me thinking she was just having a bad week ignored it until she went away for a weekend to go home “to clear her head”. I spent that entire weekend wondering what was going on because i did not hear a word from her. I have been burned from my past relationship so i knew i had to take action when something like this happens. The image i portrayed of her was no longer the same person she was now. To my benefit over that weekend i contacted friends, coaches to get advice on my situation and they all told me the same thing that the relationship was dead and that i needed to move on and she was dead weight. I on the other hand have my life together except for this relationship. I also dug through our phone records since i pay for the phone bill too and notice she has been texting this co worker a lot recently, and it has gotten progressively worse for the past month even up until 4 in the morning sometimes while i’m asleep next to her. I also found out she was looking for an apartment on her own behind my back without telling me. I put this all together and i knew what i had to do. She came back from her trip nonchalant like nothing happened and still being cold. I noticed right away she put a password lock on her cell phone which shes never done in 5 years. Before she even stepped in the house for an hour i told her we needed to talk and proceeded to break up with her and kick her out of the house the same day all in less than an hour. She had the audacity to ask if she could stay for another week even on the couch until she could find a place to live, however i disagreed. I know she would just be using me at this point. I’m thankful that she gave me that weekend to gather my thoughts to prepare for the end of the relationship before she could get her ducks in a row and leave me blind sided once she got her own place and become more settled with this co worker. I was happy that i blind sided her and showed her a side of me that she’s never seen before and that i won’t be taken for granted. It’s been one month of NC and i still have not heard from her. Work from the street is she’s sleeping on people’s couches trying to find a place for herself. As much as i felt used until she could find something better, i’m glad that i did this before we got married.

  19. Hi, just want to share my experience. I recently ended my 4 year relationship with my gf/partner with whom i have a 1 yr old daughter. Going back in time I had actually wooed this woman from another man 4 years ago. And now she has acutally moved back with her ex. Maybe what goes around comes around as they say. I fought for this relationship countless times but I guess its GODs will that we wont be together. I cant blame her during our 4 year realtionship it was not perfect. I had done things that have caused her to think this way. I just pray for her happiness and the happiness pf our daughter. I pray that she would finally be at peace. Now its time for me to heal.

  20. Simple mathematics, if a girl has had a lot of relationships guess what is going to happen? If she has more respect for herself and is more reserved, chances of her staying with you are greater, don’t complicate your lives guys.

  21. Jurgess Ike says:

    Simple mathematics, if a girl has had a lot of relationships guess what is going to happen? If she has more respect for herself and is more reserved, chances of her staying with you are greater, don’t complicate your lives guys.

  22. Thisoneguy says:

    Totally agree with this article. I think it described every bit my recent relationship. Thanks for the article

  23. FLUMMOXED2 says:

    Great article!
    One of the things I’ve learned about why women (and in some cases men) move on when they overlap a new partner is that they’ve used the new feelings to override any of the actual feelings that most people feel after a breakup.
    When a person leaving has chosen to leave and has emotionally moved on prior to the breakup, most often they will still feel the loss.
    When a person overlaps a new partner, they’ve effectively covered their emotions with the emotions from the new relationship. I can’t see how this pattern is actually healthy!?
    My ex overlapped her new boyfriend and myself after being together for 10.5 years. She obviously was already emotionally out of the relationship and likely did most of her grieving as she was deciding to leave. I feel like it’s nearly impossible to actually heal from the past relationship when you mask your emotions with new ones.
    I’m fairly certain that because she hasn’t worked through these emotions as someone who didn’t bounce into another relationship would have, that she will end up dealing with her own past demons in the near future, if she isn’t already.

    • Hey FLUMMOXED2,

      You may be right, she may have to deal with those later on.

      Some of the women I’ve spoken to about this topic, however, have told me that towards the end of the relationship they were gradually moving on already.

      When the relationship finally did come to an end, it didn’t come as a surprise and they were emotionally ready to deal with it and even move on.


  24. 10yrs and a 10 month old daughter and she went on vacation and hasn’t returned. Physically she’s back, but what took place on vacation became perminant. She went to attend a cousin’s wedding. While attending, her HS sweetheart (there with his longtime girlfriend) also make their way to this wedding. They rekindled their relationship (yes even with his longtime girlfriend with him).

    Back home I receive a call from her just 5 days into this vacation informing me that she was no longer in love and would like for me to evacuate our apartment before she returned (3 days prior to returning). Are a long story short, she kept me in limbo about us while he resolved the issues in his relationship. Turns out this guy tried to commit suicide over his girlfriend leaving him for another man (After his affair with my ex). 3 weeks after his attempted suicide, she informs me that her heart is with this man. I of course was devastated. Her counter to my devastation was to insult me in every way possible. The disrespect has formed a wedge between my daughter and I. It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve seen my child. She’s openly admitted to me and family members that I did nothing wrong. She simply didn’t love me anymore and wanted out for a long time. Funny thing about it all is I didn’t hear of these feelings until she was already gone. How was I to know she didn’t love me after just having our first child together? Why would anyone wait 10yrs to have a child just to terminate the relationship in such a cruel manner? The absolute worst part of it all is I have to raise a child with someone who betrayed me and disrespected me with such ease.

    How do I get passed all the feelings of betrayal and learn to co parent with the same person that destroyed me emotionally? I know my child is completely innocent but I have this strong desire to run and never look back. I feel like a coward for the thought of running. I had to face so many different emotions all at once. Would love a few words of wisdom.

  25. 10yrs and a 10 month old daughter and she went on vacation and hasn’t returned. Physically she’s back, but what took place on vacation became perminant. She went to attend a cousin’s wedding. While attending, her HS sweetheart (there with his longtime girlfriend) also make their way to this wedding. They rekindled their relationship (yes even with his longtime girlfriend with him).

    Back home I receive a call from her just 5 days into this vacation informing me that she was no longer in love and would like for me to evacuate our apartment before she returned (3 days prior to returning). Are a long story short, she kept me in limbo about us while he resolved the issues in his relationship. Turns out this guy tried to commit suicide over his girlfriend leaving him for another man (After his affair with my ex). 3 weeks after his attempted suicide, she informs me that her heart is with this man. I of course was devastated. Her counter to my devastation was to insult me in every way possible. The disrespect has formed a wedge between my daughter and I. It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve seen my child. She’s openly admitted to me and family members that I did nothing wrong. She simply didn’t love me anymore and wanted out for a long time. Funny thing about it all is I didn’t hear of these feelings until she was already gone. How was I to know she didn’t love me after just having our first child together? Why would anyone wait 10yrs to have a child just to terminate the relationship in such a cruel manner? The absolute worst part of it all is I have to raise a child with someone who betrayed me and disrespected me with such ease.

    How do I get passed all the feelings of betrayal and learn to co parent with the same person that destroyed me emotionally? I know my child is completely innocent but I have this strong desire to run and never look back. I feel like a coward for the thought of running. I had to face so many different emotions all at once. Would love a few words of wisdom.

  26. Matthew Balentine says:

    Hello Jessie,

    This article has by far been the most enlightening article I have found regarding this. I dated my ex for five years. We met when we were seniors in high school and dated all through college. Something about her that I continued to overlook, refreshing to know others fell in this same trap, was her emotional dependency or as you referred to it her anxious attachment. I loved her very and we were each other’s first in so many things including sex. She was gorgeous and would constantly hear people ask me how I was able to get her to date me.

    My ex was a very jealous person, we went to separate colleges but separated by only 30 miles. She was demanding of my time, phone conversations became an expectation and would last too long. She always had this thing that if I could not talk she would take it personally saying “Your not the only one who has things to do”. She was always afraid of loosing me no matter how many times I reassured her that she is the only girl in my life. As a college student I was the only one of the two of us who had a car and a job. All of our dates and the transportation involved where funded by me. I loved her dearly and would do anything to make her happy. Its like I had this debt to her that she was choosing to stay with me even though we are going to separate schools. This continued throughout college, we had our ups and downs but every time her dependency annoyed me I chose to overlook it because she really was a good person as well as my best friend.

    Fast forward to May 2015 and I am no longer a full time student, I was nine units short and decided to take a semester off to work full time. She still has another full year of school left. I move out with a roommate and the realities of supporting myself kick in. Working full time, I actually had two jobs at the time, one during the week and the other a restaurant on the weekends. I was no longer to fund the trips and dates we used to go on because my money needed to go to expenses. I feel any understanding human would see that this is normal. But not her, like I said before she was very demanding of my time and would quite honestly get bothered by the smallest stuff. All my energy went into this relationship to the point where I no longer cared about my own happiness and would only focus on hers. As the months progressed after May she began giving me more and more crap about how we are seeing each other less and she is feeling this distance with me. She was upset that we were not able to have an obligation free summer like we did when I was still a student. The only reason I was working two jobs was because she still demanded the world of me and I still had to pay for a majority of our dates. When she finally got her car she made it seem unfair that I would ask her to drive over to my apartment. Even though I was busy as hell trying to make ends meet I would still make it priority to find time to spend with her.

    When she resumed school in September thats when all the red flags of her being checked out began. I wish I could have seen them. Every little thing I was turned into a fight. My job was rather demanding and at times I would not get off until the late evening. I was trying so hard to balance everything but in her mind there was something I could be doing better. To be quite honest at times it got to the point where I was the one wishing that she would break up with me. The last couple months her jealousy and insecurities truly came out. She convinced herself that the reason why we were spending less time with each other wasn’t because I was working but rather that I was cheating on her. She even made up stories that she saw someone text me, of course I called her out on it, I should have walked out then but I choose to stay, I still don’t know why. There where like three other times where it was the same thing ; we were at a friends party and we were sitting close together on a couch. I was holding her hand while she talking with one of her co-workers, I over heard a couple of people next to talking about studying abroad in Barcelona. Me being the good boyfriend I was I wanted to get to know some of her friends so I chimed in the conversation mentioning two of best friends studied abroad in Barcelona. Once my ex realized that I was talking to these people, one of them being a girl she got cold with me. I asked her whats wrong and she said she was bothered that I was talking to them. We had a fight where she apologized and she promised that she wouldn’t do it again. Maybe a few weeks passed by and we were at my place just getting up on a Saturday afternoon. A couple days before a co-worker asked me if she could send me her cover letter for me to edit, I of course said yes. When my ex saw that she texted me asking me if I got it she went ballistic saying why is she coming to you, is there no one else she can go to. Again we got into a heated fight where I got so fed up I needed to leave the room. She literally blockaded the door with her body and begged that I don’t leave. Like I didn’t want to shove her off the door and eventually calmed her down saying I just need to cool off, again I should have dumped her then but I didn’t.

    Finally in early November I was driving to her school to visit her, the night before we were supposed to talk but ended up falling asleep because I got off work late. On my way there she calls me angry as hell about how we didn’t talk. She even went as far as saying she called me 8 times, how could I sleep through that many calls. I didn’t remember seeing 8 missed calls on phone and told her I only received to. She got all defensive saying I am calling her lier and such. I literary in that moment look at my phone log and screen shot it for her to see. Once she was caught in her lie she tried digging herself out which only made it worse. After we hung up I had, I got out of the car and broke up with her there. I stilled cared about her and held her as she cried about the end. At the end of the day I loved her but I had given too much of myself to make her happy and keep the relationship going that I no longer was happy with myself, hell I did not even know who I was.

    After intermittent contact and going cold turkey no contact in December I began to regret my decision and convinced myself that I am the one who screwed up. I began feeling depressed, she didn’t respond to texts or calls.

    Come January 31 I decided to call her to apologize for me being so distracted with work that it took away from our relationship, I essentially was taking the blame for why we failed, naive I know. In that phone call I couldn’t get one sentence out before she started listing what I did wrong and how she was being treated the way she deserved. She boiled it down to that I didn’t care, her rationale, in October she brought up that there was a classmate that she was studying with that she felt guilty about because she was tempted to go on a date with him. I don’t know what reaction she was expecting. I asked her if she did, she said no, I asked her if she cheated on me, she said no, then I told her that I trust her 100 percent. I wasn’t going to get mad for you being tempted, that is not something that I consider betrayal, granted she being tempted showed problems in the relationship and her being checked out, but I simply stated I would prefer if you minimized contact with him as much as possible, they where in the same lab group. She used this event to say I didn’t care. Here was a girl that you can needed validation from here to the moon and back to be happy. Long story short she told me she had been seeing this same guy and they are official. Driving the knife deeper she began to justify why it was okay for her to do this and how he is being the supporting boyfriend I wasn’t.

    What I learned, reading this article made it clear to me why she acted the way she did both in our relationship and out. She was able to move on from a 5 year relationship to another in as little as a month. For a week this hurt and I continued to social media stalk her because I wanted nothing more than a second chance. Two days ago I blocked her and the new guy and haven’t look back since. Honestly this whole thing has taught me too much I know I will never make that same mistake again. This may have been devine intervention her not taking me back, but I honestly feel I dodged a bullet. I wasn’t going to be happy in that relationship, it may have come back for a while but it was clear in the conversation that the break up just made her sink in her ways even more. The ex I wanted back wasn’t that ex I spoke to. Once reality kicked in it became increasingly easier to move past my hurt and be optimistic about my future. This article really did help tho.

  27. Perplexed says:

    Thank you Jesse.

    I am a deeply unhappily married man of 25 years and was involved in an affair for the last five. I guess to some that makes me an asshole. I am getting divorced now, not because of the affair, but the result of a bad marriage.

    I knew that my ex-girlfriend and I could never be together in the end as she never wanted to be viewed as the woman who broke up a marriage. Now that I read your post, it makes sense. My ex-girlfriend and I were in love, but she became anxiously attached to me after the initial rush of the affair because she has low self-esteem about her age (57 now) and her looks. She is actually quite good looking and slim.

    One day while she was eating alone at a restaurant (again) she is approached by a guy she knew (he is single and rich) and sits down with her. After some conversation, he asked her out on a date the next week.

    On the day of the next date she texted me to tell me it was over and that she had met this other guy. She said she cried so much when she had to text me and tell me it was over, but it tore me up inside so much that I did all the stupid things a guy does when this happens. I tried to get back together, pleaded with her, and everything else, but I did know the breakup was inevitable. She attached herself to a new guy and left me hanging.

    Reading your posts have helped me understand this immensely.

    Also, to all those guys out there who are getting married I have only one piece of advice…..Get married for all the right reasons and not the wrong reasons like I did. You will be better off. I will be to after the divorce.

  28. CallMeJack says:

    My ex-girlfriend dumped me right before christmas this year. It was brutal. It still is. I truly did love her. But we had been through a rough 2 years, I had been depressed for the first time in 12 years. I was struggling. After a year of depression she changed, became very withdrawn, angry, mean, started lying to me. This worsened my condition. Finally, I had switched medications for the 3rd time (wasnt responding well to the first 3), and I started to really get better fast. But I guess it was too late. It felt like it came out of left field but I guess it was a long time coming. How she just one month before crushing me was saying to me how i was the love of her life. I can only suspect she had already moved on, it was just more lies, and likely she was already involved with or had someone in mind to start up with. I do miss the intimacy, the love, she was in many ways home to me. But it had become a cold home. She for so long had no longer been loving. No longer visited. Ignored me. Made me feel very very alone in my life. She also; for our entire relationship was, I guess the best word is “frigid”. She was awesome in bed, but I don’t honestly think she wanted sex. She had lots of toys, and I think for her, being alone, isolated, was what she wanted. I think intimacy was a distraction and love was not something she really knew how to do, or want. She said a number of times she “just wants a husband”. I said I want to be in love, and be happy, and share adventures. What I want I feel is rare. She’s a pretty girl. I’m sure finding a man to marry will be very easy. Finding a girl I can love deeply and care for, that will take some time.

  29. Glen Clark says:

    that was the most informative and kindly worded artice ive read in sometime. i really appreciate the thought and information contained in it and it helped me in a way . ive been separated almost a year . and am not recovering as well as i should be and this i hope helps me turn the corner
    thanks again

    • FLUMMOXED2 says:

      Hey Glen,

      I just wanted to point out that everyone recovers in their own time and that “not recovering as well as I should be” is subjective and you will heal and it will take as long as it needs.

      I know it sucks to hear that, I’m just trying to let you know not to beat yourself up. It’s normal. It’s ok.

    • Thanks Glen, I’m glad it was helpful.

      I noticed you said you are “not recovering as well as I should be.”

      Exactly how well “should” you be recovering? Where does this value judgment come from?

      You recover as you recover. Wherever you are is exactly where you need to be. Resistance is what creates more pain.


      • Glen Clark says:

        i got sorted out the exact way i hoped to 🙂 and hope others find solace in your kind amd well spoken words. thank you

    • Brokenblue says:

      Ageee excellent article thanks

  30. You must feel unconditional love for your partner and feel the same in return. .. I feel unconditional love for her…I dont know what she feels…and everything you say here is right…that is why she found another guy after we separated just in days..the thing is how can I win her back and work with her a better relationship after this knowledge and understanding I have so far…if she is attracted now to another guy ?…tx

  31. GOMEZ TEÓFILO says:

    I contacted Metodo Acamu get me a spot to play with my dream team at Liga Endesa. It was all i wanted. Apparently they always told me i was not tough enough not tall enough even when i played better than most of the professional basketballers in the team. Their was always something that will make them reject me even with other teams, For six years it was basically like that for me, i was losing hope and the dream was fading away. But something, i believe good fate, led me to read a couple of comment on the Internet about Metodo Acamu and all those he had helped get want they wanted. He helped me cast a spell to get me into the team just after two day he told me that the next week i was going to get a call from a coach i was working with before,he was to link me up with some real people that can get me to play for the team i have always wanted . Just as he told me it happened. To contact him with this email address ( metodo acamu fortress at yahoo dot com ) you know what to do. And please not be careful i notice some people use real people testimony to deceive people reading this comment on the Internet to contact order spell casters they claim to have seeked help from beware form them. I mean some one can copy my comment and edit out only the name of the Metodo Acamu and his contact details and replace with maybe a fake spell caster. Be care and and when reading testimonies be attentive, check date of comment and try to remember at least the first line of the comment to avoid contacting the wrong spell caster .

  32. Hi i was in relationshiip for 7 months and everything wsa great until the last month i noticed she was hiding her phone and i saw her texing another guy. she claimed it was a friend about a month alter she broke up with me saying she was in weird place and felt she was pulling away from me. i found out 3 days later she was with the guy she was texing. She lied to me in my face about this guy and i could never get the truth out of her on what happened to our relationship

  33. Very interesting. I think what adds to this is, she doesnt feel desirable. You push all the RED flags to the side and love her for her. Next thing you know, shes happy and then all the sudden other guys who wanted nothing ot do with her, suddenly feel compelled to get her attention. A fight or 2 later, and some stalking from the other guy, and wham, shes off with him. I think of it this way, better to do it now before marriage. Also if shes doing this to you, chances she’ll do it to him. Lastly, what comes around goes around eventually. I’m not talking about revenge, but they’ll get theres soon enough. You can’t go through life lying and cheating, and expect wonderful things to happen.

  34. Hi Jesse. This article really spoke to me. Let me give you some background information first because I really need some specific non-biased advice other than my family/ friends to really help me with this as to what I should do. Me and my ex were together for almost 4 years up until recently. We were great for eachother for the first year and a half, had some growing pains in the middle though. I discovered she was a very jealous type and we would fight all the time about me going out and doing normal things or her getting mad that I watched a certain movie….dumb stuff. I stuck with her though because she was absolutley gorgeous, she had a pure heart and was the most genuine person i’d ever met. No matter how jealous she ever got I loved her because I knew it stemmed from insecurites due to her Dad abandoning her at a younger age. I sympathized with how she felt she was never good enough and wanted nothing more than to be her rock and love her. We talked about marriage, kids, a future etc. We were highschool sweethearts. I have been with her since I was 18 and she was 16 and now we just broke up. Im 21 turning 22 now. about 2 months ago we got in another stupid argument and I had already been stresssed out by her making a big deal out of small things that didnt matter that this argument just happened to be the straw that broke the camels back. I broke up with her that night. She cried, begged, and pleaded for me to change my mind and stay ( we had a few fake breakups where it never actually happened before). But this time I actually took my stuff from her house and left, having told her it was really done. I slept that night, woke up, thought about everything for a few hours, and in my gut it just felt so completely wrong. This was my angel, the girl that loved me for me, she wanted a future with me, and was only over-jealous because she loved me so much and just wanted me to be hers and not feel like she had competition. (this was a problem, I was always so faithful to her yet she felt like she always had competition). Anyways, that morning I called her back and began working on getting her back. By the end of the day I had convinced her to take me back. I knew I had some work ahead of me to gain her trust and build up some confidence in our relationship. The thing was, that she was supposed to move to LA the next month, and now we had limited time to get back to a good place before she left. Our plan was for me to join her up there in 4 months and just make it work long distance/ on the occasional weekends until I could join her up in LA. 3 weeks go by and Im thinking everything is returning to normal. I had a surgery and her friends from LA were in town so she didnt spend much time with me while I was layed up on the couch recovering. I didnt think anything of it because I would have rather her had fun with her friends than be bored watching movies with me all day. we seldom saw eachother for about 5 or 6 days. She came back after that week and her tune had changed. She now was saying she didnt know if she could move past the fact that I had broken up with her and she just didnt feel the same anymore. She said she needed space to think about if she wanted to be with me anymore. I gave her 3 or 4 days, she returned saying she was done. This time it was me begging for her back. The more I begged the more distant she bacame. 4 or 5 days went by and I decided I had to show her how much I loved her and wanted to be with her. It was a few days before she was about to leave for LA now so I met with her and asked her t marry me. She was shocked, and actually said she would think about it so it gave me hope. She said she needded space to really give me an answer though so I gave it to her. She moved up to LA without me being in contact with her. 5 days went by and I was already seeing her posting questionable pictures on instagram with new guys (When I thought she was supposedly considering marrying me?) I called her on the night of the 4th of July. Sent to voicemail. She texted back and was noticable cold and indifferent towards me. she basically said she was done and that my proposal was too late. she had wanted that before I broke up with her, but now things had changed. I havent talked to her since then because I agreed I would finally leave her alone for good and stop trying to get her back…As far as I’m concerned I feel like I ruined my chances with the girl who I genuinely feel like I was supposed to marry. What do I do Jesse? Do you think thoughts of getting back together will ever even cross her mind? Im going to do the No contact thing but for how long? How do you just give up on someone who you feel like your supposed to spend your life with, knowing they wanted that less than 2 months ago? She already seems happy and socially active with other guys on social media which is throwing me for a loop leaving me wondering how she could move on so fast. yet maybe she ahd been considering it ever since I broke up with her a month or so ago and it was a long thought out decision. Do you think shes over me for good? Should I lose all hope and attempt to just move on with my life? Im terrified I just lost the best thing that ever happened to me. please respond Jesse I could really use some advice here!!!


  35. Maddy Patel says:

    I’m the girl whose ex started his relationship with a russian bimbo while we were together and full on dating her a month after we separated. I say separated, becase he officially never broke up. We were together for two years and were in our highs and lows. When he was committed, he was fully present. When the russian chick showed him interest, he used excuses to get out of the relationship that I didn’t see coming. While we were together, he met her in her country. Came back and said he is confused and needs space. Didn’t even break up with me and while I was waiting for the space to get over he visited her again in her country. Ouch! I should have seen the red flag when he started a relationship with me shortly (weeks) after he broke up with a previous chick. I only found that out later.

  36. Michael Pryor says:

    This article seems to match almost exactly my past relationship. “anxiously attached girlfriend”, I love that description. “Your relationship was on a crash course any way” – good to think like this; makes the loss and mistakes seem less.

    So anxiously attached girlfriends are bad? They have their own set of problems and all of these relationships will inevitably fail.

  37. Christina Cuthbert says:

    If she moved on so fast – she never could have been the girl for you anyway. She already had one foot out the door, one eye on the future, her heart looking for another man. Someone who will do something like that while with a person they “love” isn’t someone to build a life with, it’s someone to stay far far away from.

    • Perplexed says:

      Thank you Christina! You are absolutely right!

    • What someone does after being dumped isn’t an accurate representation of how they felt about their partner. Resilient people move on quickly in order to avoid further disappointment and discover where they went wrong. If they already had someone lined up, though, then that’s a different story.

  38. David Richard says:

    Hi Jesse, I’m in that boat. The one where she left me, and
    within a month (Maybe even sooner, she’s with some who, if I’d thought about
    it, was being lined up to replace me). I’ve read the thoughts about attachment
    patterns, and from what I understand of her, the anxious attachment pattern
    fits to a tee. However, the other side of the coin is to do with my own mental
    health issues, having been diagnosed as a depressive 10 years ago (though
    having had it largely in check for most of those years, only usually
    exacerbated for me by relationship issues). None of the upcoming paints me in a
    great light, I know this. Soon after meeting we both declared our love for each
    other, her first, which for me and my own attachment pattern (Avoidant: I have
    one very stable, present parent and one the diametric opposite of that.
    Separated of course) was a huge thing given my ongoing search for my own love
    and stable family. Though I did reciprocate the sentiment, at that point at
    least it was perhaps disingenuous. However, she did continue to put her
    sentiment into practice, it wasn’t just words, and though I did fall for her in
    some way, I have serious doubts as to whether what I experienced was pure love.
    And, this is the part that paints me rather badly, the reason for this I think,
    apart from my in-built suspicion, was my lack of physical desire for her. She
    never turned me on hugely, if at all, but the care she showed for me made me
    fall for her. I wanted to be around her, but after finding myself not wanting
    to hurt her feelings, and feeling I
    should resort to any method to get through sex, I would picture, ‘sexier’ exes
    to make me seem turned on(?!?). When even this stopped working, I turned to
    excuses such as addiction to porn. Then, my embarassment and the depression it
    brought on and fear of hurting her short term led to a cessation of all sex
    life. For 14 months before she left. 14 MONTHS! In the midst of this I began
    looking elsewhere on line for people to meet for sex. I never carried it out,
    but she found out I was looking. And threatened strongly to leave, which I
    avoided by pleading my ‘issues’. With hindsight another of my multitude mistakes.
    I realise that this alone was grounds for her leaving me for someone better.
    She was well justified. But it does not end there.

    I have a son from a previous relationship. A wonderful,
    beautiful 10yr old boy who by this exes admission is a credit to me, and I’m
    very proud of him wherever he is. She, has two sons. another 10 yr old and a 16
    year old. The real issue for me, while existing in this dysfunctional family relationship
    was the behaviour of her 10yr old. According to her, he suffers from Sensory
    Processing Disorder/Dispraxia. I say according to her, because in the UK
    official diagnosis of such child special needs comes with a statement which is
    used to guarantee treatment by our National Health Service. However, no such
    treatment was ever given during our time together. Now, this disorder manifests
    itself by, as its name suggests by causing the child to be unable to process
    information from the senses in the way a non-sufferer might. Requests for the
    child to do something (Put his plate away, get changed for bed, wash your hands
    after using the toilet, get ready for bed, don’t answer back, for example)
    regularly and normally go unheeded until the 3-10th time of asking. And even
    when they are heeded, they do not very often become a pattern of behaviour.
    Never washing hands, or brushing teeth without being asked, for example. So,
    here I am in a situation where I have my Son, who respects his boundaries, and
    requires no such constant direction, and her Son who requires it constantly,
    often within the same 10min rolling window and is CONSTANTLY seeking attention,
    but, due to her wanting an ‘easier life’, she doesn’t always enforce the
    boundaries. The result to my eyes was a fairly badly behaved, rude child,
    unable to acknowledge any boundaries, and the overall behaviour levels of a
    child half his age at best, something my own raising makes me unsuited to deal
    with. Both parts of this were incredibly difficult for me to watch especially
    when it affected my Son, or I saw it starting to affect his behaviour. A number
    of times I considered, for his sake as well as mine, leaving soon after we
    moved in together 7 months after meeting (I’ll come back to this if that’s ok).
    As you can imagine, this part of the process ground on me. Getting better and
    worse, but on a general downward trend. Whilst I was given permission to
    discipline, I often felt resentment that it was left to me, and because it was,
    I was the one doing it most, of course you can imagine who the ‘bad guy’ was. I
    am certainly not as tolerant as I could be, but on the other hand, I have a
    beautifully well behaved and brilliant Son….This was clearly a huge issue,
    and discussions with her often resulted in ideas or plans to counter it, but
    again were inconsistent and never followed up with genuine treatment (example:
    a rewards board, featuring 5 key behaviours to be achieved – 5 consecutive
    smiley faces on each would garner a reward. Categories such as ‘Not taking food
    or drink without asking’, ‘Washing hands after using the toilet’ etc. This
    proved pointless as it was inconsistently applied, and ultimately the kid was
    filling it in himself….) Anyway the upshot of this acknowledgement of such an
    issue was that I was told to ‘tolerate it’.

    I’m afraid the issues don’t end there. I mentioned my own
    mental health problems. Which were already beginning to resurface in the job I
    was doing at the time of meeting. I had whilst working been doing some courses
    in web design and design, with the intention of changing career. But the pain I
    was feeling in the job pushed me towards getting out sooner than I should in
    terms of making that switch. I resigned my job on the verge of a breakdown,
    with the (ridiculously short-sighted, but depression driven) intention of setting up an instantly successful design
    business from home (crazy in hindsight, I know). So this I did. And as you can
    imagine my income slumped from £3k per month to less than £1k. Unsustainable in
    the house I was in, and the catalyst from this kind woman that we move in
    together. With her being a local Zumba instructor, her income wasn’t huge
    either, and so we began to fall behind on rent, and because she recognised that
    I was working to build my business, she decided to get a regular job to help(I
    know, not very manly). Please bear in mind all this while my depression is
    worsening, the clients aren’t coming and those that are aren’t paying well and
    the children situation is as I have described. We were forced to move by our
    landlord to another house, which we found just in time, but was in the country
    and beautiful. It was discussed that some effort would be made to change the
    children’s behaviour so that they take some pride in this new house, keeping
    rooms tidy, putting things away after use, cleaning up own mess throughout the
    house, not leaving glasses of drink in rooms to gather penicillin etc. But of
    course, this never happened, and was never enforced (by her), and I became quickly tired of working from
    home and being expected to tidy up after everyone else (not that I’m the
    world’s tidiest person). I got tired of working and working and getting
    nowhere, and getting more and more
    depressed. My lack of success made me think that working harder and longer would
    help but in doing this, I was neglecting her, after she had done two jobs each
    day and that I no longer had the resources to look after her and treat her in
    the way she deserved. I was sleep walking into oblivion, all consumed by my
    depression and will to make a success.

    Still I could make things worse though. I knew that all my
    life I’d wanted to be a successful artist. I’m quite good. So I started to get
    back into that too. And in time after producing a few nice pieces, decided that
    if I wasn’t making money at web and graphic design, why not focus on doing the
    art properly, to which she tentatively agreed, ‘I want you to follow your dreams of course, as
    long as you help out’, to which I agreed, ignoring the previous stubborn
    principle I laid out. Obviously, as time went on (the last 3 months), I became
    utterly focussed on the art, contributing little and not helping out (of which
    I am ashamed, but could not see past having to be the housemaid for her and her
    children, something my character would struggle with under the best
    circumstances. If they did their part too, it would have been different.) As
    you might imagine this went down badly, though my art was beginning to come
    together artistically! She sent me an email from her work outlining these
    issues that we should discuss, at the end of January. But for some reason that
    discussion never took place. My head in
    the sand, her being busy? On 1nd April she slept downstairs (as she sometimes
    did after falling asleep, I think I can
    see why!). In the morning I received a text while asleep that she had left a
    letter on the bedside(which outlined all these things) and to not be there when
    she got home. At that point, I took it as permission to leave. Having been
    privately harbouring the wish to go myself (but where to?!). For three weeks
    after, I went no contact. But ultimately was weak and messaged her longingly while
    she was at a conference telling her of my pain at not being able to speak to my
    ‘best friend’. I received no reply until the following week when I followed up.
    At which point in my wisdom I questioned , her method of break up as being less
    than decent. All of this by text. However I was unspecific and she took it as a
    sleight of her overall character and withdrew. This week I received an email
    telling me ‘she had considered what I had said and decided that since we
    couldn’t be civil she would withdraw to minimal contact. That she was seeing
    someone else, and that I should pick up my things from the house asap as she
    was ‘keen to move on’. So here I am droning on to you…..and mired in pain.

    I realise I could have avoided all of this by not continuing
    the initial involvement once I realised the lack of sexual attraction. A more
    certain man surely would have. I realise also I have behaved in a way few would tolerate for long. I haven’t covered myself
    in glory. I must also admit to sending a final validation text. Confessing that
    she was right. I hadn’t fulfilled my side of the bargain. That she deserved
    better etc.

    If I’m honest, I just can’t see how I have made SOOO many
    bad decisions….I realise I had probably left the relationship many times in
    my head, long ago, without actually doing it, not having a fall back. And that
    ultimately this is no surprise. She then actually did it once she had an better

  39. Jaux Deal says:

    Great read. It really helped my girlfriend and mother of my two children just moved in with a new guy two days after ending it with me. We were together 8 years

  40. darrylshawn says:

    Sounds just like my ex girlfriend. She has a history of jumping from guy to guy.

  41. mrcanada976 says:

    I’ve been on a few different angles of this and I think that the author missed the boat with all of the attachment style talk, focusing on one style. I dont think he’s entirely wrong, just missed the elephant in the room.

    What I have found in long term relationships (where you actually could get hurt by how fast they moved on) is that women “check out” long before the actual breakup, get their ducks in a row and set themselves up to leave, and they can keep up a facade that the relationship is going fine while the oblivious man is thinking that the relationship is on cruise control.

    When a woman is fighting with you over things like cats and dogs, she still cares. When she shuts up and everything is “fine” after a batch of serious relationship problems she could be checked out. During this time she will still go through the motions, the I love yous, birthday gifts, attending parties and hanging out with mutual friends.

    Us guys often end up in the ugly situation after a breakup of an LTR where we end up realizing that we were the only one who DIDNT know that the relationship was doomed. All her friends, sisters, mother, aunties, cousins, even coworkers knew all about it – they may not have known the exact date, but they knew it was coming.

    I had this happen with two different LTRs, one where a kid was involved and one where we were engaged. Once she gets to that point of “checking out” there is absolutely nothing you can do to improve the situation. You can get tricked into bending over backwards trying to “change” while the goalposts keep getting moved on you. If it ever gets to this point your better off just breaking up with her, because your just getting used as a safety net while she gets ready to move on to the next guy. No amount of being “nice” is going to help you, it will only make the pain worse because you will realize you wasted your time, life, and energy.

    I will cite two examples from personal experience.

    I had this girlfriend, single mother, with a young daughter who I was playing stepdad to. She presented herself as a hard working single mom burning the candle at both ends, going to university as well as raising her daughter. She moved in with me and didnt end up going back to school. One health problem after another she blamed for her inability to raise her own daughter or to work or keep up the house. I helped her work through all of the health problems and at times felt like a single dad, hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel when she got better.

    After the surgeries and counselling and antidepressants and whatever else I started expecting her to start picking up after herself and maybe get out and get a job, to start taking on a leading role in raising her daughter so I could focus on my work. The excuses kept coming and it got to the point where it was dragging on and on and keeping this woman and child was getting expensive. I rented rooms in my home to add to the income and she wouldn’t let me re-rent them despite that I was having financial difficulties.

    Eventually, I got fed up and started demanding. Within a month or two, she had checked out and left. Was on online dating the day after she moved out, her furniture was still here. Thinking about the little girl, I let her store stuff here so she could move out and be independent, I wanted to keep in contact with the little girl after all those years and encouraged her to date, but just to not move too fast.

    Well she met a guy she had obviously been talking to for quite a while. Her OLD profile picture was obviously taken in my house, in the room I had been trying to rent out but she refused to stop camping out in. She went on one date; introduced their kids to eachother a week later, and moved in with him a week after that, and got engaged to him two weeks later. I wasnt even jealous, our relationship had run it’s course. I just wanted to maintain contact with the little girl I had been “dad” to. Shortly afterwards she cut all contact with me and even when I had a small box of her daughters things she refused to even respond to me, and when she came to pick up her things she called the police.

    Moral of this story is she was using me as a free babysitting, housecleaning, and bank machine for quite some time. Had no intention of working anything out, she (like the author suggests) was merely looking around for another guy to bounce to. She never even ended up moving into her own apartment, she stayed with her dad for 6 weeks. Her fury at my demands to re-rent the spare bedroom was because she needed her privacy to find the next victim.

    My second story is a girl I was engaged to. She had cheated on me before we got engaged, and I still had some trust issues. She went to South Africa with her family to see old family there. I was nervous about her going so far away with the trust issues but I swallowed it up and was brave.

    She came back and nothing was ever the same, despite that we had no fights or arguments while she was away; the closest we came to an argument was that she had promised to email me each day and she stopped emailing me altogether after a few days, I called her and asked what was up and she said her parents wanted to get going and she needed to get off the phone.

    When she returned, it was one weekend outing after another despite that I missed her as she was gone for six weeks. This university exchange thing kept coming up over and over again and she wanted to go back to South Africa for up to six months. Her going away for six weeks with her mother and aunts was one thing, but staying in residence at a university halfway across the world was something that was just too much to handle; I felt like I was the crazy one for saying I would not be at all comfortable with that. We should have been planning our wedding, not planning to be on the opposite sides of the planet for half a year.

    At that point I should have seen the writing on the wall, but I didn’t. She brought me to couples counselling and dragged out a laundry list of things I did that made her not be happy. I pledged to “change” and bent over backwards trying to get our relationship back on track. She broke off our engagement on Valentines’ Day, and when I urged her to reconsider she kept asking if she could let me know in two weeks. Two weeks turned into two months, and while I wasnt trying to be needy or pushy it was a question worthy of an answer; she then asked for two more weeks.

    A few months later she just up and left at 5am while I was asleep. Turned out she had been seeing some guy with the same name as me, something I found out months later. I tried arriving at her work with a dozen roses and she just chucked them in the back seat of her car, and was annoyed that I was even present trying to talk to her. (I didnt go inside her work, I put the roses on the car in the parking lot and waited for her to get off well out of sight)

    Again the moral of the story – she had checked out a long long time ago before she left. Her demands for things I needed to do to change kept shifting. She even complained that I didn’t wear fitted T-shirts and that I wore regular ones. In actuality, I should have broken up with her the moment this university exchange thing became more important than our wedding; we were in year 8 of our relationship so it wasnt like we were rushing into anything. I felt like such an idiot for spending nearly a year trying to change, she was just dragging me until she could “start fresh” when she started at university. Never did go on that exchange.

    Now I have a completely different perspective on women and relationships in general. I at times am accused of being “misogynistic”, which isnt at all true because I really do enjoy the company of women.

    My new philosophy is, “If you dont like me the way I am there’s the door.” Now I practically expect women to cheat, have exit affairs, and expect the moon and the stars out of you but not be willing to do much work to make the relationship better. “You think that guy is so great, you should break up with me and date him.”

    The foundations of the problem are these: feminism and online dating. Feminism teaches women that they should have it all and that the world (ie. men) owes them something. Online dating makes men and relationships entirely disposeable, hard to find the energy to work on something uncomfortable when you know you can click a mouse and get hundreds of messages a day from potential suitors.

    On our end, as men, we unfortunately still ascribe to the “women are sugar and spice and everything nice” viewpoint and chivalry, but most women are anything but ladylike. So we get sucked into these relationships where we in the aftermath realize we brought a butterknife to a gunfight.

    The way to protect yourself is to treat the women in your life with the same healthy skepticism as you would treat a man; and not to buy their fluttering eyelashes and “you need to make me happy” game. A woman who truly loves you will be spending all her time trying to make YOU happy, not making demands wanting it to be the other way around.

    • How is life for you now ? I’m interested to see how people have moved on ?

      • mrcanada976 says:

        I met a nice Filipina girl and got engaged to her. She miscarried and I took the chance to hi the exit, sweet girl but I was cheating her almost from the start and figured that the girl I was cheating her was just a summer thing, the Filipina was 3 years younger than me but the other girl is 19 years younger nearly half my age, so I figured that there was an expiry date.

        Long story short I have hung out with the other girl every day for a year now, and broke up with the Filipina because I feared if I married her she’d become a home appliance like the fridge or stove and she deserve better.

        The other girl is my girlfriend now and we’ve been going strong for 7 months official and over a year since we got involved.

        I don’t put up with sketchy bs but I let her be free as long as she’s honest. When she beaks I just threaten to break up unless I actually did something wrong; in which case I own it and apologize.

        Don’t treat women like princesses. They are whores just like us men if given the chance. Treat them like you would a male buddy, minus the punching them in the head when they piss you off – that will land you a pair of silver bracelet in a hurry.

        • Thanks for the update Mrcanada976 I agree with you 100% I’ve been shit on for the last 5 years because I’ve acted like a caring fool and allowed this to happen to myself, I totally agree that most women are anything but ladylike and I personally think that 30 – 35 age range are way more nasty and aggressive then myself.. thanks again! its really does help

    • Hey mrcanada976,

      I can definitely agree with some of what you’re saying. It’s important to accept one another as you are. Some of us fall into the trap of wanting to change ourselves to please her, but end up pleasing no one and even driving her away.

      I don’t think, however, that feminism and online dating are to blame.

      I think it has more to do with women and men alike not being at peace with themselves and looking for external fixes to an internal problem.

      If we can be loving and understanding towards ourselves, we can do the same towards others. We may still break up, but we can do so respectfully, gracefully and lovingly.


  42. barrywhite says:

    I only discovered that my wife, the every woman i love with my life was cheating on me with her boss. This broke my heart in pieces. I knew form the very beginning that her boss was going to bring about the end of my happiness there was something about him that gives him an upper hand when i came to women. He always got what he wanted from any beauty that capture his eye. What wowed me was that my wife, fell for him and decided to put at stake everything we have fought and worked for all those 14 years. I trusted her though i can’t say that our sex life was epic but i can say we were doing alright. I discovered messages in her computer about 8 months ago. I was mad and at the same time sad but i was going to find out how true they where before i ask her or rather before i was going confront her about what i know about sexual relationship with her boss. Unfortunately i was so unlucky and could not dig up any dirt. The affair was perfectly carried out and by all means no trail was left to trace. I could not pay for a private investigator so i decided to confront her myself and ask her about the messages on her computer and like instantly she came out clean but i wished i never asked her because it was like she needed me to see those messages in the first place. My discovery about her affair was like her ticket or rather her way of telling me she no longer was in love with me after 14 years of marriage. She basically left me for her boss. I wished i knew where we went wrong and got bad. Am just gonna go straight to the point because i was not just going let her go like that. She was the first and only girl i had sex with i was not a popular guy in high school she was all i had and loved i was not even in my dreams, let her go without a fight in what ever form. I found a powerful elixir maker called Metodo Acamu Online during a 4 months period she was living with her boss. He is a real and legit and all his techniques actually works just the way they ought to work. If not for Metodo Acamu i would probably be a wasted human by now. He helped me with a make the woman i promised my life time to on the day of our wedding come back to me. It might seem selfish of me to some of you but others who understand what i was in, can tell that just letting her do would be foolish because never again will i find someone like her. All Metodo Acamu asked from me was just materials and nothing else and it was for not reason compulsory for me to give him the money for the materials because, i had options he gave me to get the process done. I could get the materials myself and mail it to him via ups or come down to his holy ground or send down the cost of the materials to him which is less expensive that all other options. And i did just that and it worked will for me. He helped me prepare power elixir and via ups he sent me a package containing harmless materials and instructions on how i was going make the elixir active. I did all he asked me to do in the instructions and everything happened just how i wanted. I got my wife to love just the way i wanted and i loved her just how she wanted. I can literally say my life is perfect because all i need in my life was my family and i had it back with a stronger love bound. Metodo Acamu can be reached with his email address { metodoacamufrotressx at yahoo dot com } note: when contacting him use this email in its right format where all words and character are packed together and at and dot is used in the normal email way

  43. roland Aslem says:

    Hello everyone on this site i am here to testify about Dr. Abolo of ( i got in-contact with him when the only woman whom i loved broke out of our marriage plans and left me with nothing but a lonely man, i gat know choice other than to contact Dr. Abolo because i already try all i could but all my effort seems to be wasted. When i contacted Dr. Abolo, i told him my present situation all he said was that i should give him 48hours to solve my problem then i hold-on to his word. Coming back from work on the day that Dr. Abolo rounded up with spell i got a call from my lost lover begging me to accept her back as my wife. So friends out there if not for Dr. Abolo i would have been the dead among the living. My little advice to those whom there relationship has been apart or having any error in there relationship should take i bold step to visit Dr. Abolo at {+2347052534659} or ( to get your solution.

  44. HurtAndConfused says:

    My wife of almost 9 years went from loving me to loving her new boyfriend in a matter of days. We’re still married and I want to reconcile but she’s putting all of her energy into him. I thought hat this was just a rebound (3+ weeks and counting) but after reading this article I feel that she’s definitely anxiously attached. It explains why she stayed with me despite 9 rocky years. Even when we’ve split in the past there was no “other guy” waiting in the wings to scoop her up. We were able to talk and work things out. But this time when we split she had a new guy lined up already. I just want my wife and family back. I understand the grass is greener for her right now, but it’s still incomprehensible that she’d be willing to let our family (3 kids) fall apart for this new relationship. I’m already working on fixing the problems I caused and I know she sees that. But she continues to jump in heart first with this guy and in 3 weeks has really gotten emotionally and physically attached to him. I just wish she’d take a step back and see how this could affect the kids. I had hope prior to reading this article that I could win her back. Now I feel like my only hope is for the other guy to walk away because no matter how bad things get between her and the new guy it will still look better than our marriage. So it begs the question: how do you win back your ex wife.when she’s anxiously attached to her new boyfriend?

    • Listen to this one guys.. Similar experience as many here..

      I meet this beautiful girl date several times we seem to have a massive connection I’m going through a hard time before meeting her and I got a sabatical of 1 year approved with work so that I could go surfing and travel.. I ask her to join me she accepts and quits her job to follow me .. We stop in Bali as a first leg first 3 weeks great we have one argument quite a big one due mainly to me been a bit insecure due to my past we talk about it some days later and rekindle.. one evening we have dinner and she says that she is confused and needs some space and time to think things.. I ask her does that mean you want to split? She nods and says sorry..

      The following morning I pack my stuff and decide to leave the hotel and pay for her to remain there so she can use some days to think.. As she wanted

      Within 3 days she already meets this OZ guy and is posting pictures of the 2 lying on sun beds and stuff like that..

      Clearly it leaves me devastated and still am so 1 year off together all the plans all the energy me helping her with her visa to go to oz and well all of the above happens .. What kind of comments can one give or say for this ! ? And I loved her to bits

  45. i really don’t know what to say honestly, i met this lady in 2005 and dated for 3 years and eventually due to us still in college then we were unable to maintain a good relationship due to her several immature ways then. We later came together 2 years ago and we decided to take it to alter at this time, its was a distance relationship for 2 years and she seem to be ready for marriage but when we eventually met after two years of phone and skype conversation we got our parents involved and they all prayed about it and told us we can go ahead and start planning our future together as upcoming couple. we had a nice time during my visit and also lil bit of disagreement at the end of the visit but not something strong enough to break us. when i returned back to the states she cut the relationship off over silly excuses. she claimed that i drank to much during my visit and all. “yes i drank” but i wasn’t drunk. i went home during a friends wedding and also its was a festive period and that really unite me and my old friends together and we decided to get together for some decent intake. for real she broke up the relationship unto this silly excuse i can’t believe it but its real. my parents were shocked to see her crumble the relationship after we have already pick date for the wedding. she changed her number and deleted me on social networks. its was painful for she’s my first love and later my final destination the first lady ever introduced to my parents officially as wife to be. i really felt bad and also confused. what kind of girl is this i asked myself. her parents were shocked too. what a terrible person.

  46. Angel Jones says:

    am Angel Jones and i have been looking for a
    love spell to bring back my husband after been separated for 8months,I
    tried 6 different spell caster which I paid them money and non of them
    was able to get my husband back and this make me look frustrated until I

    saw a testimony about one woman called Vanessa on the internet
    testifying about how a spell caster called Almighty supreme bring back
    her ex
    husband who left her for another woman, and i decided to contact the
    Almighty supreme and give him a try and he did some black magic,,after
    48hours my husband called me and said he want us to be together and now
    we are back
    again with our 12 years old son and there is more romance in our
    relationship now.So if any one out here seeing this post and you have
    similar issue like this or any other problem,contact him at,,He will help you and that is a promise,see ya!

  47. Chris Mallory says:

    This article makes so much sense to me.
    She broke up with me 1 month ago and its been very hard between the both of us. We had been together for more than a year. Went through a failed pregnancy and were really super close. She broke up with me due to the fact that I live an hour away from her and she had doubts about my financial stability. We had discussed me moving in with her and so I laid down a plan of how I wanted to do it and she freaked out. I work at a dealership and I had applied the month prior to a new one where she lives, and I told her I wanted to take a month to focus on school while I was waiting for a call back and before moving in and she thought thought it was a horrible idea because at the time I was unhappy with my job because during the winter it slows down and I wanted to seek unemployment benefits. Especially in a small town such as mine where there isn’t a lot of business. She lives in a big city so I applied to another one just after thanksgiving. Well she hated the idea and she broke up with me 1 because I knew it would always be busy. She broke up with me 10 days before Xmas. We spent the night before Xmas eve together and everything felt fine like we were going to fix things. I made her cry with the gift I had made her. It had a huge effect on her and we ended up sleeping in the same bed that night and it felt like things were going to work out. We were intimate. Well I found out she was with another guy on New Years Eve and I questioned her about it and she said he meant nothing to her and that she wasn’t interested. Well since New Years Eve I have seen her a couple of times and the first day I had gotten it out of her that she had been with someone because that day I had text messaged her and told her good morning and did not hear from her towards the end of the day because we were going to go out to dinner. I asked her about it and she said she was making buscuits and gravy that morning, so I asked who she was making them for, and she said “Thats not important.” We ended up going out to dinner that night and things went by good. We got back to her place and while she was away I grabbed her phone and she had been texting the NYE guy. So I kept it to myself. (Clearly it was him she was with) So this last time I saw her I had brought her lunch to her job because after all that waiting I got a call to come for an interview at that dealership in her city and I got the job and wanted to tell her because I was excited. Again, she had to go somewhere so I grabbed her phone and looked through her messages and found out they have been seeing each other and having sex. I also found out they have been together for 3 weeks. I confronted her about it and now since she knows that I know they are together everything its now public about them. He is doing everything right apparently and is making her really happy. And the worst part of it is that he is focused on financial stability. I always was too. Im still currently at my job. Even after all of this. I have been waiting to hear when I start working at the dealership in her city. My cousin lives there and I plan on staying with him til I get my own place. I really didnt think it was a bad idea about trying to get unemployment and focusing on education while I figure out the transition to a major city. I have never lived anywhere else and wasnt sure what to do. Is it really worth my time and energy sticking to my word about getting that job? She is with him. I feel defeated and I dont think I am ever going to get back with her no matter what changes I have made to make things work. He is doing everything right. Doing the right things and making her really happy. Was she trying not to hurt me? Will this fast rebound end?

  48. Hello my gf left in July and 2-3 weeks later said she missed me and thinks of me we talked and then nothing every time I tried to talk to her after. I noticed she was talking to her really close male friend more then before and this is the guy who is 15 years older and I know has had serious feeling for her for long time. She saw me in August before her family vacation and seemed happy to see me( but what do I know now looking back at it). I wouldn’t hear from her only at random times every month or so saying she misses me and been thinking of me but never saying why or what. Again I relaized she was seeing her best friend a lot more and talking to him all the time which I know he has always wanted. I saw she posted picture of them on her fb and said in relationship with him but called me out of nowhere in October and asked to come over I stupidly said yes. Hugged me and said I have been thinking of you a lot lately but yet she has been with the friend. After that I have not heard or seen her she posts things of them a lot and so does he. She says things like how amazing he is and perfec and she is luckiest women alive. Just recently she posted saying I love you to him. I know I can’t give her the matieral things like he does artwork and tattoos. But did she actually ever care about us or was I just in a rebound from the last guy. Does she actually love her close family friend is what she told me when I first heard of this guy. ” he’s like a brother” is what she told me when we were together. Does she really love him or is it true people say it’s a rebound or it won’t last she is with him cause they are friends and whatever else bs people seem to make up. I think she left me for him and has had a thing for him long time. Like I said he is 15 years older then her and already has a family. Did I ever mean anything or was I just someone she was really physical attracted too.

    • The paradox is: it’s both. The feelings were real, and she did really care for you. However, the bond you too had – as evidenced by how quickly she moved on – was not as deep or pure as it may have felt.

      Part of a woman’s wiring is to be opportunistic in her mate choice, and ditch a lower value male for a higher value male. My way of looking at it is that an anxiously attached attachment pattern is not strong enough to over rule those instincts. Hence, when something “better” comes along, these type of women leave their partners.

      Although I’m sure you feel like you loved her, the love you felt was likely mixed in with feelings of codependency, and addiction. It’s impossible to tell the difference until you’ve experienced pure love. The fact that you’re left gathering yourself while she’s moved on, however, is evidence that it wasn’t the latter.

      Make sense?

      • Not really sure I do follow that. What is the latter your talking about. I don’t see my self as a lower value and him higher. He can paint for her and give her free tattoos. That to me doesn’t mean he is better then me or higher value. Because he can give her a lot of material things or take her to places doesn’t mean Im not good enough

        • I think he’s saying she perceives him to be higher value. Doesn’t make it true. In her eyes he is. Be glad to be rid of this woman.

  49. Hi Jesse, I was with this girl I loved extremely for the last 2 and a half years. It was my first relationship and her second. We were from the same place and went to college to a new city so got in contact and went fr being best friends to in a relationship in a month. We loved each other madly and more than that were too emotionally dependent on each other for support and belongingness. We had our holidays on so we used to meet a lot less in the past 3 months. But we like talked for the entire day. But I don’t know when and how but her behavuour changed. Things were a bit rocky between us that time but nothing we hadn’t dealt with in the past. I suspected she was seeing this other guy who she said was just a friend. She didn’t let me check her phone or anything suddenly. And one fine day she wanted to end this relationship however the very same day in the morning she cried and told me she couldn’t be without me. I tried and pursued her for a month. But she broke off contact. I got to know today that she is with someone else, that sane guy. I was completely broken. She was my best friend and I admittedly loved her and gave her more priority than she should have got. But I was so much into her. And so was she. She was always so much dependent on me and fond of me for everything and suddenly she broke up. And now she’s moved on within 20 days
    She wants to be best friends still. I have just started on being No Contact but it sucks. I miss her badly and end up crying and remembering her. But I hate her for doing this to me and also hate myself for letting her do this. But I feel like being cheated on. I feel so let down. It was my worst fear to lose her and it feels so pathetic to realise she’s gone. She was my person and now I feel so lonely without her. We live in the same city within a kilometer distance between us. My best friend is her best friend as well. I am so completely out of sorts. I want to forget her. I hate her for dating a guy when she told me I was someone she wanted to settle down with. Our families knew each other. We were all set. But now suddenly she abandons me. She couldn’t have moved on so fast. Like within 20 days. And I know she wasn’t cheating on me. Its like magically she just went away. And now she’s behaving like this person I never knew. I miss that person I so madly loved. But yes maybe I fed my own problems.

    • I hear you man.

      Ex-girlfriends behaving in a notably different manner at the end-stages of a relationship and the period thereafter, is something which I hear a lot, and which I also witnessed myself.

      I have come to believe it’s a manifestation of the reality you are not seeing right now. She is not suddenly becoming this different person. Rather, she is displaying behavior which is not contained within the image you have of her. Your image is off, not her behavior.

      You are still in love with this image of her. Seeing her, reminds you of that image. But they are not one and the same.

      I think there’s a good chance your image was inaccurate to begin with (it was in my case) and that part of the surprise here is your image not sizing up to reality.

      Your challenge then is to figure out why and when you started projecting this inaccurate image onto your ex-girlfriend, and outgrowing it.

      Make sense?

      • That makes complete sense Jesse I think that after the breakup we seem to think that is not the person we knew but we never really knew that person, if we really knew them then they would not have left

    • I am going through something similar, I was seeing a girl for ten months knew her for years and had always liked her and she claimed the same, we were planning to get married next month and moving in she also had a five year old son which she would regularly leave in my care. We did have arguments but nothing that I felt should end our relationship, one night she stormed out of the house after deleting every picture I had of her and also took my mobile phone we spoke for a week after but that was it she is now seeing a bouncer at her work and is not the person I knew but then the person I knew probably was not the person she really was

  50. Sandra Ruths says:

    I never knew people still have powers and make things happened this way. My name is Sandra Ruths am from American. my boyfriend Slay Scot left me for another girl for three months’ ever since then my life have been filled with pains sorrow and heart break because he was my first love who dis virgin me when i was 21 years old. about two years ago, A friend of mine kido matthew told me he saw some testimonies of this great Dr osauyi that he can bring back lover within some few days, i laugh it out and said i am not interested but because of the love my friend had for me, she consulted the great priest on my behalf and to my greatest surprise after three days my boyfriend is going to call me for the very first time after three months that he is missing me and that he is so sorry for every thing he made me went through. i still can’t believe it, because it highly unbelievable it just too real to be real. Thank you Dr osauyi for bringing back my lover and also to my lovely friend who interceded on my behalf, for any one who might need the help of this great priest here is the email address or you can call the great man on +2347064294395 web sit (

  51. Keep touching the stove says:

    This one really got me! I feel that my exes father leaving them at a young age and seeing her father abuse her mother caused her issues. My ex was in an abusive relationship and went right from him to me who treated her very well. I came from a solid family with parents who love each other very much and still do. I was with mine for over 6 years and we even built a new home. Six months after, she left me for the second time. I have been obsessed with the thought of being with her again. She keeps coming in and out of my life, coming over, staying the night, sleeping with me, but nothing else. She currently is avoiding me. I know what i have to do and that is cut her off totally.

  52. Jordan Mark says:

    Hello I am Brittney Lisa ,I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to Dr iayaryi the great messenger to the oracle of Dr iayaryi solution home,I narrated my problem to Dr iayaryi about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later,My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Dr iayaryi on his personal email address and get all your problems solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: ( get your problems solved like me….. ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: (

  53. Dave Rattenbury says:

    Wow these posts are amazing. My relationship of 2 years just ended. The relationship had been in decline for a while but I wouldn’t admit it. She met new people and was out all the time. Never around on weekends. Then she states she wants to go on a break while shes away the comes back and says not sure how she feels but needs longer and is still in love with me. I give her all the time and the space and it turns out she had been turning to another guy in this time for advice and 2 days are ending it for good she’s in a relationship with him and couldn’t care a less about me. i think all these posts have been helpful because its easy to see how quickly she can move on. the relationship for her was over months ago but stayed with me for commitments and because there was no other options. This guy shows her a “better relationship” and she’s gone. Hurts a lot that she was speaking to him all the time while we were working to save an already dead relationship. She actually phoned me in tears a day after we broke up saying give me the weekend to think then a day later shes with him and moved on. Its so hard to stop thinking of them together 🙁 These post’s have helped me alot today. Thanks alot Jesse

  54. Hey, i got to a relationship during the summer with someone i met during work. We had alot in common and we had great times, opened up to eachother and everything was going great, it was actually her who asked me out in the beginning. We both knew she was leaving to a different city and both agreed that long distance wouldn’t work. So we continued date till the day she was about leave. The last three days, we kinda got into a little disagreement, and she.thought i was attached to her and she started to push me away, she would still reply to my msg but she didn’t wanna hang out. The day after we both talked and how we knew this.was gonna happen(. I was still invited to her leaving party cause we were still friends. However at the end she gave me cold goodbye, not even a hug. After that ive msg her once to check how she was doing, she described her new life as “Amazing, and having a Good time and meeting new people”. She is comimg back for holidays and the summer. Question is has she really moved on? And is there a chance in getting back wit eachother? Im certain if it werent for long distance, we would still be together

    • Wrong question my friend.

      What she wants and what she’s feeling is beyond your control. You need to focus on what you can control and base your decisions on what you know.

      You need to base what you know on her actions, not her words. What are her actions telling you? That’s she’s moved on and doing great. That should be your working hypothesis. Adopting anything else is not based on facts and will lead to you making yourself unnecessarily.

  55. Good article! It is true, if a woman moves on quick, she’s been unhappy, but did not want to find a new guy. When she finally gets over that feeling of not wanting to find a new guy, she can move on.

  56. Jesse, I am a college freshman and this has helped me gain a lot of closure! My girlfriend and I were high school sweet hearts for about two years until college came into the picture. She went away for a month to her college prior to actually starting classes and when she came back she had changed in small subtle ways being more open and confident. During our first week into college I call her and tell her that I’m not feeling confident in my academics and so I ask her the question (looking for reassurance in our relationship)”Maybe we should break-up?” and she says yeah okay…The next two days I try to plead with her as to why she wants this and she says she “lost feelings for me” for since her time in college and I was broken. I find out she had let a guy sleep in her bed a day after I “Broke up” with her and this only made things harder. she claimed that she hated herself for not wanting me anymore and that she doesn’t even recognize herself anymore. In high school she’s always been unhealthy possessive and jealous, and know that she’s in college I can only think about how for 2 years it seems like she’s only been leeching on to me for emotional attention that she craves, because she has a history of just clinging on to new people in her life and dropping others out. My question to you is, will she do the same to me and phase me out of her life completely for someone else or is this just circumstantial?

    • The short answer is yes, she will, because that’s – it sounds like – is her model for affection and attraction. Sound immature, unhealthy and unsustainable? It is, but so is yours.

      Yours is a template that is attracted to this other unhealthy pattern. Unhealthy people don’t “dance” with unhealthy people. You need to revisit your own template for attraction.

      Moreover, college – or any big life change – is always a major relationship test. If your relationship fails, it wasn’t meant to last. The heartbreak you’re feeling is part of life, part of the learning process.

  57. Jesse, your articles have really helped me get a perspective on things. Thanks for sharing. I want to share my story so that you may give advice or others may also learn from it.

    I was in a relationship with a girl for 3 1/2 years. I met her when I was 28 and I was instantly attracted to her. We both are different ethnical backgrounds, she is white american and my parents are from India. She had done humanitarian work in India so we had instant connection, along with us also meeting and falling in love in a painting class we both were taking at the time. It was a text book love story. We went through so many of the typical things posted here, soulmates, love forever, never met anyone who understands me like this, doing everything to please her, her telling me she needs me in her life, crying about how much I mean to her etc etc. I never had experienced this either.

    Most my encounters with women were brief hookups as everyone I knew was club girls and I never had long more than two serious relationships. I was really reluctant at first but the words of love forever etc. let me drop my guard and I eventually fell deeply in love with her. In the process I truly lost who I was, my identity and all the main things I was doing up to that point went on the backburner for this person. Looking in hindsight, what a horrible position I put myself in. When it was over, basically my entire identity and life over the past four years shattered into pieces with it.

    In the end, she left me for her best guy friend. He was always around and madly in love with her and we used to always fight over how I didn’t appreciate her friendship with him because of his feelings towards her, he used to send her text saying he loves her, randomly take her to dinner when I was with her. My personal rule was I kept no friendships with women during my relationship because I felt I can’t be friends with people I am instinctly attracted to because of this mess it can lead to. The entire time I tolerated it because she assured me she didn’t feel the same way and I placed my full trust and faith in what she the end, I kept asking myself how did this happen to me..I was so betrayed by her and angry. I felt she had so disrespected me and our relationship that after such a long relationship, withing a few months she was with him. I was consumed by hate. When I started to no contact rule a year ago I felt so much better. But that also had to do with the fact that I moved to Chicago for grad school and forced myself to start fresh, I made many friends and had a few flings, things looked good and at a time was seeing mulitple women in very casual relationships.

    This summer however, I came home to visit my friends and family in Seattle for the summer and every memory flooded me. It had become so overwhelming to hear that people saw her…that she is with so and so… All the thoughts that he is whispering in her ear those same things I used to, having sex with her just made me lose my mind. But I kept my no contact rule in place approaching one year..until the last week. Some charge showed up on my card that was from a website we had set up together for her. I used to excuse to contact her very snidely demanding money. These emails escalated into very messy hate mails back and forth. I’ll be honest, one main reason I did it because I wanted to let her know how much I hated her for making me feel like shit, and pointing out how much of a low life she was for leaving me for another man. It was the first time I told her how I felt after one year. She told me how she’s over me, happy now etc etc. Through our emails, I realized something, while all my hate was directed on how she left, her emails were about how bad our relationship was. It hit me that in order to get past me, she took all the negatives (albeit many untrue stuff) and created this illusion that our relationship was really bad and I was a bad person and used it. Al the while, I viewed our relationship up to this point as a sacred thing, with the leaving for another man the catalysm of destruction and the reason it didn’t work. Such a horrible perspective I had because, while it hurt me so deeply, the over exhaustion of using all my energy obsessively pondering that event, it clouded a lot of other serious problems we had such as mutual verbal abuse, consistent arguments etc etc. While to some extent it is true, the leaving for another man is something you just can’t go back to, it isn’t the reality.

    The reality of the matter is that in order to rebuild my life, I have taken a lot of advice from these post to realize, someone who treated me like shit, and didn’t have the decency to realize what is appropriate and inappropriate isn’t my life partner. And that I must take responsibility for my actions and that in all honestly, after deep deep thinking, I truly was unhappy in that relationship, but either addiction or emotional attachment kept me there. She is very attractive as well and that helped.

    I rode high in Chicago thinking I was over it and being happy a year later thinking when I came back to Seattle I would just continue on living. Then I hit my all time low and dealt with all the things I had stored up for a year and become obsessed with the notion of her and another doing all the things we used to do. After I conveyed her how I felt about it all in one looong “monologue” email as she put it, and read your blog about her anxious attachment disorder, it all makes sense now. I now am truly on the road to recovery and understand, it’s time to let the venom go, and move on. I must be me for me and continue my course. The person I knew doesn’t exist anymore and all the advise here has led me to tremendous positive results. Love the good, Learn from the bad and Live in the present, in that order

    • Thanks for sharing Mkha, that’s an inspiring recovery. I especially like the quote you end with. Love the good, learn from the bad and live in the present. Couldn’t agree more!

    • Wow..i am going through the exact same thing right now. i just want it to be over.

    • I am at the same place, it still hurts a lot, and that was almost 5 months ago, she is having the time of her life with another guy, we are both studying in France. My story is so long , I thought this would be our 2 year honeymoon, us both in a diferente country different culture giving each other strength in our lows. It turned out to be a nightmare for me, as I gave 100 percent, it seems it was too much for her, and she gave me nothing. Every time she was sad, stressed, lost, scared I was there… The only thing she gave me was, anxiety attacks, depression, stress, sadness, and now anger.

  58. nail on the hammer my friend

  59. theotherguy says:

    Jesse, your articles are a great read! I am actually ‘the other guy’. When I started dating my gf I did, however, not know that she was officially still in another relationship. We met in another country so at least I know that she was not still in physical contact with her bf at that time for these 4 weeks or so of overlap. But only after now dating for 4 months she told me that story… Now I actually do also feel unhappy and betrayed because she was actually lying to me about that for quite a while. She said that she was afraid of losing me if she had told since she knew that I don’t like cheating at all.. But, my point actually is: I am afraid that she would do the same to me as she did to her ex. I am wondering if there are other guys out there who made the same experience, and whether you guys think I should be worried or rather not…

    • I am a female, but maybe you could use my thoughts on it anyway. I think it is pretty hard core, that she can get herself involved with someone else, and not letting her attachment to her “actual” boyfriend show. To me that is not a healthy sign, that she is capable of hiding her feelings to such extent. I guess meeting “someone else” is something that happens all the time and in many cases it actually works out and happens to be the right decision. But it seems like it all started on a lie in your case. Of course a trust issue can be fixed, but to me it sound like your gut feeling is telling you something else. If a trust issue should be fixed, you need to have a complete believe, that from now one, you are completely honest with each other. You having to write about this problem on this blog, shows you are not quite there.

    • Hey man,

      I think there is definitely cause for concern. Your relationship was built on a lie, that’s not something you forgive and forget. Moreover, as Miss10 rightly notes, it’s pretty hardcore for her to be able to pull off what she did. I see no reason why she wouldn’t be capable of pulling the same stunt on you.

      I don’t see a healthy basis for a relationship with such a person until she gets to the root causes of her lying and infidelity. As for you, I think your intuition brought you here, and you should ask yourself if this person is worth your time.

    • David Eric says:

      I am David Eric,I want to say thank to for everything he did in my life. To everyone who doesn’t believe in spell, I was one like you at first. I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to do this since I’ve tried others so-called spells casters and they did not work and was a waste of my time and money. However, when I read so many testimonials of dr.tust how he help people to get back their ex lover. dr.tust answered all my questions and was very nice about everything, I decided to give it a try. I figured it would be my last try to get my ex girlfriend back. So my story is that I was at my office when the girl I suppose to marry told me that she wasn’t in love with me and never will it be and that she didn’t want to speak or see me again, especially since she was talking to this other guy. i email and tell him everything.he let me know which spells would be most appropriate for me and I chose the one that was to get her back to me and stay with me and to marry me.As soon as he finish the spells, my girlfriend came back into my life! It was a miracle to me and I’m so thankful to him, that is why i am sharing this testimony to those who need his help. Things have been going well, and pretty much according to what said would happen. I’m very happy for the love spell have done for me, my ex girlfriend is now back to me and we are living so happy. if you asked me or my friends if I would have anticipated how things were right now…no one would believe it! contact is email address ( or tell +2348156885231) David Eric

    • Paladinrja says:

      Yah my ex gave me the run down after much prodding, a year later. Never sat well with me where this fella she was with was actually at. He’s a fucking loser but I think half of that is just her, the other half is that she was his rebound and I knew it.

      At the introduction, they were just old fuck buddies but later, the little things come out, where you begin to realize that she’s just emotionally insecure and can’t find a real man. I am a businessman and when I met her, thats how she met me. I know she really invested in me, but still kept up these weird patterns throughout the relationship, thats the part that sucked, if she was just that little bit more on the ball… Ahhh well, in the end she hit strike 4 of my 3 strike rule and I actually had to counter-manipulate her out of our relationship. Its hard to do when you know you can just go up to her and get her back, afterall I had done it more than once before. I know what to do and that too becomes a cause for concern.

      How can anyone be so pathalogical with their emotional attachments? Because they are pathalogical in some way. Strike 4 is usually when the klaxtons go wild inside your head. Listen to them, the hurt goes away a lot quicker and you can function much faster. Some of the worst professional victims are actually in much more serious trouble than they realize and that means you are too. As a man, you owe it to yourself to gauge the nut-factor of these women and your capacity to support them through a split, however split you must and she will most likely do it to you. In my case I didn’t want to talk to her and then at 1:30am, 3 weeks later, she decides to fuck it all up (see she coulda got away clear) and do the emotional meltdown.

      Generally its some unseen anxiety level where they pre-emptively strike against you after pre-meditating the end of their relationship. I know some birds that do this years in advance… They ask why we never get involved? My answer is because I will leave you in a heap if you try that shit on me, I will bounce you so hard that you will be reeling from your own shit for the rest of your life. Some men are emotionally mature not just mature and able to tick-tock with the information that is provided them as fast as you can fling it. Make no mistake though, those birds need that emotional turmoil just to remember that men are human too and will treat the next guy with much more common respect. Never screw with anyones feelings unless they give you no choice.

    • theotherguy: You just said my story mate.. I ended up being in a relationship with this girl as I started loving her but after sometime, she started to have mood swings and complain about lack of passion of love. I then found out that she got into a guys(on couple of occasions) within no time(week or two!)

    • Came to read this as the same happened to me recently. My now ex-girlfriend had a BF while we dated, then a I dump you I dump him, I love you I love him game started. To make this story short I moved abroad to study and her dream was to study abroad also, that’s how we met, studying the language. 6 months after I left to complete my studies she started contacting me again, telling me how miserable her life was, how much she wanted to be with me, travel, see the world, that I was a man not a boy like her ex, who when they broke up insulted her and her mother, stole money from her, bla bla bla… So, I did everything in my power to help her get there, once she arrived it was like a 2 week honeymoon, she wanted to marry me, have kids, again bla,bla,bla..then she got home sick and guess what she called the guy, to tell him she was homesick, she didn’t like the city, the country, … She told me she was talking to the guy just to get her money back, and stupid of me I believed her. After 4 months treating her like a princess, taking care of her when she was sick, sad, stressed.. she dumped me because our relation started the wrong way, and she wanted to be alone. Now 5 months later, thanks to social media, I see she is travelling with another dude who she met not long after she dumped me, not more than a month, we even tried to work things out, I think the guy was already in the picture. So yeah, my lesson never date or get serious with someone in a relationship f they do it once they do it twice, they are just selfish and immature.
      Thanks for reading, I feel like shit, and used. getting it out is a good therapy

      • Oh yeah I forgot, now she looks for me for help as her student visa is for only one year, and she wants me to help her get an extension. pfff

      • Hey xavi,

        Thanks for sharing your story. I tend to agree, if she could do it once, she could probably do it again. Past relationship behavior often predicts future relationship behavior.

        But I believe you have a role in this as well. Why do you think you didn’t pick up on her frivolous love? I think it may have been apparent to outsiders that her statements and motivations were questionable.

        Often we fool ourselves because we want to believe something and we ignore all the evidence to the contrary. What did you want to believe in this case?


    • Hey man,

      Let me put it this way.

      I don’t think you should be worried, but I do think this is an important issue you need to discuss with your girlfriend.

      How we conduct ourselves in our past relationships is often a very good predictor of how we will conduct ourselves in future relationships.



      My advice to you is that if the girl enters into your relationship while she is with someone else then there is a very high probability that she will do the exact same thing to you. On what basis do I say this? I have just been hung out to dry by my girlfriend of 10years. I started seeing her when she was seeing another guy. She actually called him 15mins before we first made love and told him that it was over on the phone. In her mind this meant that she wasn’t cheating and had no reason to feel guilty about it. I remember at the time thinking “wow thats cold” but given that I was the “winner” in the scenario i brushed it off. Fast fwd 10yrs and practically the exact same thing has happened to me. She has been courting a guy secretly on Facebook and has admitted to me that she sees him as a better catch. Low and behold she sends me a Dear John letter and immediately is in bed with this new dude and is the happiest she has ever been. I still love her to death but by God her behaviour is cold. It’s got my head spinning and I’m in a major funk. Have been getting anxiety attacks and am not sleeping or eating well. Not fun at all. So I suppose in summary: You reap what you sow. I am not faced with the head spinning task of re-grouping at 41 and trying to get my life back on track. Not what I had been planning 1 month ago!

  60. chriskocher says:

    This helped tremendously by giving me fresh perspective

  61. Despite being a woman, this clarifies some aspects of my recent breakup

  62. loneboy says:

    well said, concluded

  63. Thank you for the lovely article, I did like it, it was like a big piece of a puzzle i ve been trying to find. Well done coach.

  64. IrISh eyes are not smiling anymore says:

    Mine was a 47 beautiful blue eyed blonde. I’m 53. We fell in love while I was awaiting my final divorce. Traveled Hawaii , San Diego’s, concerts , dinners 6 months of bliss. Then she got very jealous and would through my FB , my phone and question me. She even had me unfriend a few women. Yet I never looked at hers. She was rightfully upset my ex was still living at my house. She was worried I was still hitting that late at night. Which I never did. Well I hit hard times. Health issues disability and she started to pull away. The little things. I tied discussing but she just got mad. She also had 3 kids part time. Teenagers I never Met. I understand 1 yr rule. Great mom but she started not having time and we would argue each weekend the last month. Then on Monday a few weeks back. I got a ” text” saying she can’t do it anymore. She loves me maybe later on when my ex wife is out of the hike and I get my health back. No in person no call nothing. I waited 5 days got back to her. I said I agree. Cut all ties bumped her from FB and did not call her. I did breakdown and text her on Saturday. Sent her a pic of sunset. She texted me back the next day and said that’s beautiful and oh by the way I’m going to Santa Barbara for a few days. Do you mind if I drive by and leave your stuff if the porch. Brutal of course I got back to her a few hrs later. Her said too late I’m already out there. I texted her that night and Sunday blew it recalling little intimate things. Told her I loved her. Nothing back been a few days. Never got my stuff but that’s just stuff. I’m on my 3rd day of NC. But I’m shattered and tore up. I have a VM of her telling me she loves me 2 weeks ago. Amazing ” Where Does Love Go When It Dies ” I will never contact her again. I did thank her for the best trip of my life (N Shore) and the best date (Fat) Dokken of my life and for loving me the way she did. Told her I wish we would have waited instead of actually going out until I was officially free. We had to hide our love in a sense and it was wrong of me to pursue her love ❤️. She is an exceptionally beautiful woman , great mom and I kind of changed after getting sick. But I think she was already half way out the door. I wish her love and happiness. DMP JLL

  65. IrISh eyes are not smiling anymore says:

    We saw Styx and Kansas a few weeks back so I Hurd I’m really ” Dust In The Wind ” and was really “Fooling Myself” along with Rik Emmett of Triumph ” Lay It On The Line ” & ” When A Hear Breaks ” JLL Malakee….


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