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How do you change her mind?

Jesse Martin

December 22, 2020


How does one change a perception that the relationship was toxic? Background: ex thinks that due to her depression, our relationship was toxic and that she needed to let me go so that she didn't drag me down with her negativity. I want to marry this woman but she ended the relationship.

When we feel the need to part ways with someone who we've spent considerable time with, we try to avoid hurting them. We try to break the news gently. Sometimes we try to soften the blow so much, the core message we're trying to communicate gets lost.

If we tell our former lover that we "still love" them and that "we don't know if there's a chance of us getting back together" and that we "want to stay friends" — it can be difficult for the receiver to still make out the original intended message: "I don't want to be with you anymore."

Her reason for ending things with you might not be the factual reason. She might not know the full reason why she feels the way she does (we're complicated animals!)

The bottom line is that she doesn’t want the relationship for her reasons, whether she wants to share them with you honestly or not. Regardless of how you saw the relationship, it appears that she saw things differently regardless of what she may or may not have said to you.

Maybe that changes with time, but maybe it doesn't.

The point is that if someone shows that they don't want to be with you, you're doing yourself no favors by continuing your pursuit of them. You're setting yourself up for repeated pain and rejection all the while reaffirming to yourself that you're not worthy of someone that does want to be with you.

The best course of action is to accept the reality of the situation. You might not have it black and white, but she's certainly not knocking on your door and she's rejecting any of your advances.

For all extents and purposes and for whatever reason, she's showing you she doesn't want to be with you. You've showed your willingness to reconcile and you've exhausted your options. At this point, for the sake of honoring yourself, you need to draw a line, count your losses, and mourn the death of the relationship and the future you had in mind together, so you may start moving on. Focus on your life so that whatever happens, you’ll be in a better place to deal with it.

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