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How do I get over her?

Jesse Martin

August 14, 2012

How do you get over her? At times it can feel as if you'll never be able to fully recover from losing your loved one. Or perhaps you're able to accept it's over, but you don't see how you can ever find someone as funny/attractive/smart/... again.

Relax. We all feel that way when in the throes of a breakup. It's part of the process -- these are symptoms of heartbreak. That's right. Feeling as if the pain will never end, feeling as if there is no solution -- these are all symptoms of heartbreak. They are not unique to your situation.

So relax, buckle up, and read on...

Why is it hard to get over someone?

If you're in pain because you just got dumped and you're wondering how to get over your ex - or for whatever other reason you can't be with someone you adore - it hurts. Not only does it hurt, it's hard to get over someone you love.

But why does it hurt? For that, we have to go back to our childhood. You see, we humans only have one 'model' on which we base all our intimate relationships. That model is formed during childhood, and it's based off of the relationship you had with your parents. Thus, if you had a dysfunctional relationship with your parents, your model - on which you base all your intimate relationships - will be a dysfunctional one. That's all you know!

Until you take the time to dissect the problem and take the time to heal yourself, these experiences will continue to have a negative effect on you and your ability to get over you ex. Most of us are not even aware of these feelings, let alone the origin of them.

Your relationships with your parents falls within an attachment spectrum that encompasses three distinct styles in decreasing order of 'healthiness':

Assured attachment

If you grew up in an assured family, life's ups and downs will have been a bit easier for you to cope with. Your parents were always there for you and you have a close and caring relationship with both of them.

  • Family comes first and everyone works together for the greater good of the unit
  • Your parents encouraged you to do new things and take risks
  • You parents had the ability to communicate, express affection and empathy

Ambivalent attachment

If you had an ambivalent style of attachment with one or both of your parents, certain things interfered with their ability to be fully devoted parents. Ambivalent people do not attach or connect to others as easily as assured individuals do. You parents may have loved you, but at some point other factors affected the way they raised you, and paid attention to you.

  • Unemployment, poverty or economic stress was a factor
  • Chronic illness or death in the family
  • Disconnected or unhappy marriage

Avoidant attachment

If you were raised by avoidant parents, there's a strong chance your years growing up were filled with conflict and chaos. There is a good chance one of your parents had severe issues that impeded their ability to devote themselves to you.

  • Compulsive, controlling parents
  • Parents aren't affectionate
  • Parents have personality disorders or are physically and/or emotionally abusive

If you fall on the ambivalent/avoidant side of the spectrum, there is a good chance that your relationship may have been somewhat problematic and your breakup extremely excruciating. In that case, getting over someone you love will be a lengthy and difficult process. You will generally have a harder time engaging in healthy relationships.

There is a high probability that you're unconsciously engaging in relationships with women that have similarities to the parent you have unresolved issues or traumas with. This is called repetition compulsion. It means that you unknowingly have a compulsion to repeat themes and behaviors in adult relationships based on the model you were  in your childhood.

Go test your attachment style here, and go test your ex-girlfriend's here. Let me know in the comments what your results are.

How to Get Over a Girl

Construct And Explore Your Love Map

Identify which attachment style best describes your relationship with your parents. Take time to explore that relationship. Think how it might have influenced the way you love. This is an essential step in healing a broken heart and the key to getting over you ex.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

Recognize your feelings as they start to play up. Give them a name and a place, and talk back to yourself e.g. "I feel sad right now, and that's okay, feeling sad is a natural part of going through a breakup."

Make the Choice Not to Suffer

Strong feelings are natural, and normal given your situation. You cannot control what you feel, but you can control how you respond to them. Choose not to suffer. Be sad, but don't let your emotions keep you down. Make sure you don't put yourself through unnecessary suffering by keeping in touch with your ex, or trying to stay friends. This is essential stuff in dealing with a break up.

Cost Benefit Analysis

Make a cost benefit analysis of your relationship. What was good about, what was bad about it? Were you emotionally satisfied? Were you sexually satisfied, intellectually stimulated? Review the bad things about the relationship when you feel sad. This will help you see the situation more clearly and get over you ex.

Support Network

Reach out to friends and family. Reassess your relationships and try and be among people that care for you. Isolating yourself right now is going to make the pain worse. It's great to feel loved and needed, especially now.

Once you're ready dealing with day-to-day challenges of the breakup, you've put effort into dissecting your background and healing your pain, you can start moving on

Let me know if this helped you!

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