Breakup Advice for Men: 7 Steps to Recovery

Breakup Advice For MenIn this article I’ve tried to summarize a lot of the concepts I talk about on this blog into the most important breakup advice for men. Going through a relationship breakup is excruciating. Feelings of incomprehensible sadness permeate every aspect of your life. There is no doubt in my mind that it’s one of the most painful things there is in life. But – maybe for that reason – over time, it has the capacity to become one of the most profound and inspirational experiences you’ll ever endure. Too many guys out there, however, end up suppressing their grief and do not use the recovery period to learn more about themselves, relationships and themselves in relationships.

Step 1: No Contact

This is the hardest thing to do, but it is also the most important step you can take to get over your ex girlfriend. You need to break off all contact with your ex. (In some cases, for instance divorce where children are involved, no contact is not possible. In these cases, keep contact to a bear minimum.)

No contact means, no contact with your ex in any form whatsoever. No checking her facebook, no viewing old pictures and definitely not texting her goodnight.

Even the briefest contact with her fires up the circuits in your brain associated with romantic love. These incidents tend to reset your recovery and draw you back into a state of intense grief. That’s why, if you want to recover, you must break off all contact with your ex. It’s the most important piece of breakup advice for men.

Action Steps

  1. Send your ex girlfriend a concise, to-the-point message, explaining that you will now be breaking off contact in order to take some time for yourself to fully recover. Explain that you hope that she can respect this and wish her well in her recovery (Always take the high road).
  2. Make a conscious decision – and a commitment – that from now on you are going no contact for 30 days. If you make it 30, go for a another 30 days. Using time frames makes it somewhat easier. If you break no contact – that’s alright. Figure out where it went wrong, and reinitiate.

Step 2: Remove All Evidence

You need to get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex – at least until you’ve fully recovered.

Not only seeing your ex will trigger an intense, visceral emotional reaction – things like pictures, songs and maybe even certain locations, can do the same.

The antidote is simple, remove any chance of being reminded of her from your daily existence. Avoid places where you might walk in to her, or might be reminded of her.

Don’t leave pictures on your computer and don’t stay friends on facebook. Don’t rely on self-discipline to stop yourself from indulging in reminiscing. Prepare yourself for your future weaker you. You don’t want to hear about her moving on, you want to focus on YOU moving on.

Action Steps

  1. Call up a friend and have him help you gather all the stuff you still have that belongs to your ex-girlfriend or that reminds you of her.
  2. Have your friend hold on to all the stuff that reminds you of her, and have him give back all the stuff that belongs to her.
  3. Prepare yourself for your future weaker you. Do not rely on self discipline.

Step 3: Don’t Try to Stay Friends

Quit any attempts you’re making to stay friends with your ex, and do not engage in any attempts she makes.

Staying friends after a breakup is a fallacy. It is a desire rooted in insecurity about moving on. Just because you’re broken up, doesn’t mean you’re feelings are now turned off. The opposite is in fact true, your brain circuitry for romantic love fires up even more when you’re faced with rejection. But the point is, you can’t be friends while you still have feelings for her.

Let your ex girlfriend know that you do not believe that it is not possible to stay friends while trying to get your lives back on track. Beware! You might get some resistance on this. Women tend to want to preserve relationships and get along. The likelihood of it working out, however, is small. Chances are you’re going to get confused, hurt and disorientated in your recovery.

Action Steps

  1. In a concise, and to-the-point manner, let your ex-girlfriend know that you don’t believe you can maintain a friendship while at the same time recovering from a breakup. Let her know that you’ll be going no-contact and that you hope she can respect your decision.

Step 4: Leverage Your Support Network

Breakup Advice for Men: Leverage Your Support Network

Your support network consists of your family and friends that you can turn to in this tough period. These are your life lines and can make or break a swift recovery.

Being among those that love you reminds yourself, at a very basic, primal level, that there are people that care about you, and that will always be there for you. They will help you move on.

When you’re going through a breakup, you might not know it, but you’re craving to be loved. You tend to be obsessed by getting that love from your ex-girlfriend, but love from friends or family comes a long way.

Action Steps

  1. Get in touch with your friends and family and arrange to see them. Let them know what you’re going through. Talk about the breakup, but allow yourself to be distracted too.

Step 5: Keep Busy

It’s important to stay busy. Distract yourself. Push yourself to make plans for most of your waking hours.

The negative emotions you experience during a breakup are associated with plummeting levels of dopamine. When  you focus your attention and do new things, you elevate this feel-good substance, boosting energy and hope.

Do anything that forces you to concentrate your attention.

Action Steps

  1. Call up one friend you haven’t talked to in far too long
  2. Start learning something new today, like playing the guitar

Step 6: Allow yourself time to grieve

Staying busy is important, but it is critical that you allow yourself time to grieve.

A breakup is in many ways a traumatic loss which is stressful and emotionally taxing.

By allowing yourself to grieve, you’re acknowledging your feelings and coming to terms with them. Understanding and interpreting your feelings will stimulate your recovery and will allow you to learn from the experience and is the key to healing a broken heart. Failing to do so, will increase your chances of repeating past mistakes.

Action Steps

  1. Send your ex girlfriend a concise, to-the-point message, explaining that you will now be breaking off contact in order to take some time for yourself to fully recover. Explain that you hope that she can respect this and wish her well in her recovery (Always take the high road).

Step 7: Exercise

Both resistance training and cardiovascular exercise are invaluable tools to the recovering man.

Your brain recognizes exercise as a moment of stress. It then starts releasing proteins and endorphins that protect your brain from stress and block pain. Resistance training will pump up your testosterone levels, increase your lean muscle mass and allow you to shed excess fat. It will not only make you more fit, it will make you look better. Seeing a notable difference in your physical appearance will boost your confidence – which is often a well received perk during a breakup, especially for someone that’s been dumped.

Cardiovascular exercise is a great way to clear your mind. It has a meditative effect that was instrumental in my own recovery. I would go out and run for 45 minutes almost every day. I would come back, and no longer be frustrated, conflicted or mad.

Start exercising today!

Action Steps

  1. Start with a small routine and slowly expand on it from week to week.
  2. Track your exercises and log them at the same time after every exercise.

In summary, you want to start off by cutting off all contact with your ex-girlfriend. It’s super hard, it hurts like hell, but it’s what’s best for your recovery. No contact with your ex-girlfriend isn’t enough, you need to get rid of anything that might remind you of her and avoid places, people and things that would do the same. Trying to stay friends doesn’t work. Even though you’re broken up, you’re still in love, which makes friendship an impossibility. Now that you’re cut off from your ex, spend time with friends and family, allow yourself to feel loved. Allot one time per day that you allow yourself to grieve. All of your other waking hours, you must keep busy and make sure you exercise. That concludes my breakup advice for men.

Let me know what you’re struggling with in the comments

About Jesse

I’ve been helping guys recover from their breakups since 2012. Work with me to fast-track your recovery.


  1. I’ve done the complete opposite to everything outlined above and I’m in so much pain 3 months after separation. We’d been together 5 years, married for 15 months and have a son together
    She’s moved on, tells me she still loves me while sleeping with another guy.
    My head is a mess, my heart aches every day and all I do is give in to her requests because I still love her so much.
    I sent an email this week stating that I was backing away to heal and it was met with hostility, I allowed myself to be pulled back in to being friends with lots of kind words from her just to be pushed away again when it suited her and now the first thing I do every day is cry because it hurts so bad.
    I’ve gone back to emails, blocked her number and social media accounts and will put the steps you recommend into play as I need to heal and it’s never going to happen while I’m used as a yo yo yo suit her needs.
    Thank you for this information Jesse, I’m putting it into practice for sure!

  2. Its good to know that I’m not alone in this. My ex and I recently broke up just this past week. We met on college because we were in all the same student organizations, we were friends for four months and dated for six months. She was the first and, as of now, the only girl I fell in love with. One evening, however, she stayed up in this guys apartment taking shots until 4 am, alone with him, and avoided me all the next day. We then broke up the day after after an awkward day her avoiding me. I didn’t perceive any signs of a waning love until one day before the breakup. I think I made all the mistakes in this article, in that I agreed to be friends with her as she was crying all over me during the breakup. Further, me and my ex are officers in just about every student organization together and her new boyfriend is a member of every one. I am a community college student and I only have a month before I transfer to an university and never have to see any of them again. Further, consciously I have told myself that we are never getting back together, however, I am constantly reminded of her on an almost daily basis. Likewise, I still have dreams of my ex and I going out and getting back together.
    I’ve found that spending time with friends and keeping up my exercise routine of going for daily runs has greatly helped me.
    I feel that part of my problem is, foremost it happened so suddenly so my mind is still slightly in shock as I did not perceive any waning in my love for her or her for me (although the latter is probably not true in reality). Second, I see them every day and wherever I go I am constantly reminded of her, so I have to learn to dissociate. Finally, I used to be friends with my ex’s boyfriend and I was the one who introduced them about two weeks before the breakup.

    • Thanks for sharing Heinrich and good to hear you’re aware of some routines that are helping you out.

      The signs of the love waning often appear later on, when we’ve had several weeks or months to reflect on the relationship. This is where the recurring thoughts and dreams actually help you out, by revisiting the relationship again and again, you can gain new insights into what went wrong (but you can also get stuck in certain thought loops).

      There’s also the college factor that’s worth taking into account. Not many people are emotionally mature at that age, and often we don’t have enough experience in relationships and with sex to know that what you have (your relationship) is a good thing worth protecting.

  3. Hey there. I’ve recently broke up with my Girlfriend that I really loved with everything I had. She left me and I can’t deal with it because we both stay at the same commune. Like her room is less than 15 steps away from my room. Please help me I don’t know how to deal with this.Everything of her reminds me of all the Good times we had. Her clothes on the washing line reminds me of everything. It seems impossible for me to forget about her while I see her everyday and for the fact that I know she’s here makes it difficult for me to forget about her. I can’t lie I miss her like never before and that kills me even more. I can’t even study without a glass of wine next to me. I know it’s wrong but it’s helps me to study and not to drop my Average. Hopefully you’ll help me.

    • I’m in the similar situation. Her rooms is 5 steps away from my room. We share same laundry room, same kitchen. I can even hear everything in her room from my bed. I don’t know how you’ve been doing, could you give me some advice? We’ve been together for 2 years and it hurts like hell. I lost my appetite and I can’t sleep at night. She has cut me off from all social media and even blocked my phone number.

    • Hey Wandile,

      It sounds like you need to get yourself out of that situation. We often hate to think that a breakup should dictate where we live, what we do etc. But in reality, it’s not that crazy. When the best athletes in the world get injured, they go on rehabilitation retreats in far away countries, away from everything. The rest, the change of scenery, the attention they’re getting — all these things help them recover. Very often I’ve heard stories from guys telling me they’re living with or living close to their exes and it’s killing them. Moving doesn’t seem like an option to them. Why not? Why not prioritise your personal wellbeing.

      Having said that, sometimes moving IS truly impossible, for whatever reason. In these cases you cannot change your situation and you must work on accepting it. If you catch yourself thinking about her, if you find that you are reminded by something and it triggers pain — you must embrace it and accept it fully. You must accept life as it is without complaints. This does not happen over night. This takes time and practice. But the only way you’ll be at peace with this is by accepting it all.

  4. Right now it’s been about 2 weeks since my ex broke things off after about 4 years together- just flat out said she didn’t see herself marrying me. We broke up once before and got back together. The last 6 months together were the hardest cause I knew she had given up emotionally and began distancing herself
    No intimacy
    Just no interest in talking- I always tried to call her at night to say goodnight…..wouldnt call or text back would just go to sleep.
    Hated the Christmas gifts I got her never used them once
    Didn’t get me anything for our anniversary
    Didn’t appreciate small things I did for her
    It’s been extremely difficult. There’s times im fine and know I deserve better than how she treated me and then there’s times im an emotional mess blaming myself missing her and doing my best to not contact her.

    But reading articles like this and other guys experiences in the comments definitely helps.

    My biggest struggle is overcoming my negative self talk about myself
    – ill never find the right woman, 29, to marry
    – ill never be good enough or attractive enough
    I’ll be alone forever.

    I know it’s not true but the feelings of a break up are very difficult to overcome.

  5. A month since breakup we were together 2.5 years and engaged in a long distance relationship with her planing on moving up. Hasn’t been easy at all had no appetite for over a week and sleeping has only just settled down. Went no contact from day 2 and a week ago got a text asking how I was and that she thought she would have heard from me. Wish I hadn’t of responded set me back. What makes it hard got dumped by text and there’s so many questoins left unanswered but have to accept this. Feeling of loneliness and emptyness still hangs with me and I guess from reading in various places online have to give time time. The thought of never seeing her again eats away and not getting to say goodbye properly but I have to accept that is has to be like this,

    • I think you’ve got the right idea, Sam. You need to set boundaries — something that’s probably hard because you didn’t do enough of it during the relationship. If she broke up with you over text, there’s nothing to gain from responding to her text messages.

  6. Hey guys ummm I am just a teenager who haven’t felt love until she came in my life.I thought that she was only made for me.i had a great talks with her everyday it was fun but i was scared to say i love you to her and also think that she is not a best person for every day i was chatting with her i did tried alot not to fall in love with her.even i tried to make my frn’s gf to her but I was not happy never tried to show to her and wanted her not to love me.still I did knew she loves me and wants to say me one day she couldn’t wait and said I love you let your friend go away I don’t care your friend.I had tried to say that I don’t want to be in love with her but can’t. I replied her ya I love you too. After saying I love you to her still I wasn’t caring to her at all I just think that her height is not good doesn’t looks beautiful at all.stayed same everyday I use to joke with her she also enjoyed me and I too enjoy saying jokes doing jokes let’s just say that I have got my audience who fully co operates with was going on I just said that I cant be in love with her to my frns who use to ask me at that was fun she was enjoying me I was too.she was studying in the nearby school and I couldn’t find her or locate her that who was the girl talking to me on fb.I use to ask her everyday did I saw you today???.and sheuse to say she saw me or not.after huge days I just recognized her and she use to say me bye I was awkward and didn’t even replied her she use to say u feel so awkward in front of me.I couldn’t anything and say that I won’t be tomorrow.after somedays there was vacation. She didn’t came to school and even I didn’t care too much but it was the starting of my love to her.she use to always message me and I even enjoyed that we did a lot with her frns.I just said hey let’s do flitting with her fb frns and she said OK good idea let’s do it we did a lot with many people.still I didn’t had a great attachment with day one i just thaught to stay away with her and didnt used my fb.the same day her fb was hacked she was mad for loosing me and wants to contact me so she gave her number to my frn the frn was the person said before.the unknown person sent me frn request and suggested me to not to be in love take your dreams up and so on .I was happy for his suggestion and said to her.she said I didn’t understand I gave her my I’d and pass and said check.after giving I’d I remembered that there was other girls too whom I was chatting.but I was not scared and made myself to face her.I was thinking she would say me u cheat but she didn’t instead said plz don’t talk to other I can’t see you talking with other girls I didn’t said anything but just stayed silent and replied I won’t love any other rather than was going on sometimes I used to do whatever she use to refuse me and let her typing the msg to different girls.I knew the hacker was the same person who was sending me msg about making my aim and so on .I had challenged him to hack my ac if he can .he had hacked and flashed many chats with her to the all was bad feeling my frns were afraid of the hacker and blocked me I have traced the hacker and posted In my fb but he didn’t stopped at last I have closed my ac the vacation was over my frns asked in school what happened what was in fb huh??? They said I have said them this wasn’t me all was done by hacker although it was lie that the msg was written by myself I said I was also did by the hacker.I made a new ac and started to connected with her in new fb and email we enjoyed a that time I was a bit in love but not in a great.after that we continued both made a new a/c and chat.still didn’t had too much feeling for her.after a month it was October in it’s end I said won’t we focus on study.she said yes we should.we continued talking till it was end of November.I got a chance to touch her I had hold her hand and kissed her two days regularly .after that I was kind of mad for her I just felt the love for her and sayed many things to her many dreams and many love for her .again the vacation started we both were loving each other too hard that I was beyond limit.we both were feeling same.after the dec15 she was changed she had sent some photos where a boy was saying her I love you even sent some songs.I said ohh he is so good go with him to her se said don’t me mad. She was controlling herself to talk with me I muse to wright paragraph for her she use to write one sentence. One day I have asked her hey what happened????she said let’s continue our study I am going far from you because I can’t disturb my study I can’t loose my scholarship.I said OK but is there is any other reasons behind it or this is only one she said this is only one .soon my vacation started and stayed whole day home.I was thinking she will be happy to hear that but she was sad.I thought she was in love with that boy and asked her after 5 days of my vacation I said do you love me she said nah I love abhinav.I was shocked and couldn’t believe that the same girl use to imagine her blanket as me and used to HUg blanket is gone.I said thank you so much for staying with me I can’t say leave him because u love him now. She said plz don’t say anything more than this I can’t face you keep silent and asked to forgive last she said I can’t loose you plz be with me forever I couldn’t refuse and said may I call you she just picked phone and talked while we were talking she said if I will say Thai I don’t even have bf .I acted as I didn’t knew anything or heard anything.I was so happy worte some letter to her via mail she didn’t gave any reply many times I thought maybe I should be away from her and planned to be but can’t the result was everyday a mail without was sad but I am still confused that what is inside her heart what she wants.if I say I don’t care you she used to say u know how much this hurts can’t know what is going in her heart anyway today I said her plz go away and she also said me to leave her life free.I don’t know she is in love with other person or not or just showing name of that person for to reduce disturbance anyway it was the end and finished now I think my story was not great at all it was normal after typing this much anyway she dosent reply when I talk to her about another girl what does this means I didn’t knew

  7. Nice article, But the problem here is my office and nearby area is where we used to hangout most and have a stack of beautiful then, now daunting memories.. Have to go to office daily and all other favorite hangout spots mark her presence.. Just too hard to deal with them..

  8. hi Jesse,

    when you say, “Send your ex girlfriend a concise, to-the-point message”, are you saying that after you have done the initial break up, send her a txt msg letting her know that you dont want any contact going forth? or was this supposed to have been said when the break up was happening live

  9. my situation is a touch one, my ex is leaving for the national guard basic in a month, and we both decided i would be a good idea if we broke up, also i have some minor trust issues that we have had problems with about a month before we decided to take this break. She says that she loves me and wants to get back with me when she gets back, but just the fact that we arent together and the fact that i have trust issues is killing me. I believe that we will get back together, just by the way she has been talking and acting its just killing me that we are technically split up, im going through the grieving stage, but its weird. Im so confused and dont know if im being played.

  10. I had a rough experince. We started as friends and i fell in love with
    her. As I started to persue her, she was scared of the idea. It was a
    difficult 5 are so months trying to purse her, she put me through loops
    back and forth for months about her feelings. Until she realized she did
    love me. So we dated for 4 years. I was kina a slacker so she put us on
    a break until i get my act together, so i did and started school
    looking for a second job and trying to build a future. A year had passed
    and im still studying and finding a job was tough. She question my
    commitment because i wasn’t where she wanted me to be but i was doing
    everything i could. I always went above and beyond in the relationship,
    but she just saw it as another thing i did, but i wanted to make
    memerable experances with me paying for vacations, big birthday
    experances, romantic dinners, driving all the time, super affectionet to
    her, super supportive with everything she did, for her which none of
    her pervious BF’s did for her. She was good at saying how she left but
    her actions didn’t reflect it. I was doing everything in the
    relationship while she just reaped the benifits. She never did anything
    to make me feel special. She wouldn’t even drive to my house to see me
    but she wanted more of my time but she couldn’t take the time to drive
    to see me. Her thoughts are, the guy does everything,which is true to a
    certain extent, because i know relationships are two way. But she would
    always say how much she loved me but her actions didn’t reflect it. And
    while we were having a tough time in the relationship she would say i
    want us to work but i was doing everything for support, romantic
    dinners, affection, making love, everything, while she didn’t do
    anything but reap the benifits, She wanted me to be willing to drop
    everything for her which i did but she couldn’t do the same for me. I
    love her with all my heart and soul, but i couldn’t just let her take
    advantage of me anymore. I didn’t want to but i had to break it off
    after 4 years. It was the hardest thing ever but after it broke up with
    her she contacted me more in 2 days than she did in a month. it was
    exteremly hard, after hearing she joined tender singles site 2 weeks
    after we broke up.

  11. I had a rough experince. We started as friends and i fell in love with her. As I started to persue her, she was scared of the idea. It was a difficult 5 are so months trying to purse her, she put me through loops back and forth for months about her feelings. Until she realized she did love me. So we dated for 4 years. I was kina a slacker so she put us on a break until i get my act together, so i did and started school looking for a second job and trying to build a future. A year had passed and im still studying and finding a job was tough. She question my commitment because i wasn’t where she wanted me to be but i was doing everything i could. I always went above and beyond in the relationship, but she just saw it as another thing i did, but i wanted to make memerable experances with me paying for vacations, big birthday experances, romantic dinners, driving all the time, super affectionet to her, super supportive with everything she did, for her which none of her pervious BF’s did for her. She was good at saying how she left but her actions didn’t reflect it. I was doing everything in the relationship while she just reaped the benifits. She never did anything to make me feel special. i don;t expect as much, but just something as a token of apprecation. instead i was always told im not doing enough, after just covering EVERYTHING a boyfriend could do and after satisfying her needs. it was never enough from me. She wouldn’t even drive to my house to see me but she wanted more of my time but she couldn’t take the time to drive to see me. Her thoughts are, the guy does everything,which is true to a certain extent, because i know relationships are two way. But she would always say how much she loved me but her actions didn’t reflect it. And while we were having a tough time in the relationship she would say i want us to work but i was doing everything for support, romantic dinners, affection, making love, everything, while she didn’t do anything but reap the benifits, She wanted me to be willing to drop everything for her which i did but she couldn’t do the same for me. I love her with all my heart and soul, but i couldn’t just let her take advantage of me anymore. I didn’t want to but i had to break it off after 4 years. It was the hardest thing ever but after it broke up with her she contacted me more in 2 days than she did in a month. it was exteremly hard, after hearing she joined tender singles site 2 weeks after we broke up. i hurts so much because i love her, but relationships are a two way street.

    • Followed all this but what makes it difficult is that we are co workers and have to see each other regularly. I do avoid her but at times i am forced to see her and it does get painful for me seeing her move on.
      I am happy for her but i want to do the same. At times we do end up talking which i try to keep brief.
      I feel like i should move jobs as i am not coping well and i dont want to cause a scene.

      Co-workers are aware of our breakup and i guess i have difficulty hiding my depression. When that is pointed out, it does not help me to move on. I am at theraphy rn but i feel like i have been dwelling too much on what was a 4 month relationship for 3 months now.

  12. Anders Jonson says:

    Very good, to the point, and practical guide backed up by science! Thanks!

  13. Darren McGreevy says:

    My biggest issue is that my ex and i lived next door to my families home and we work together in a fairly large hotel. I have moved in with family and she is trying to find somewhere else to live so that is good but the work thing is tough. I still need to try and maintain a professional working relationship with her. We don’t need to see each other every day but every second or third day; there she is. And she was dating someone within a week of us breaking up and I know she never fooled around thanks to her best friend confiding in me. She just met someone and moved on at light speed.

    • Dallin Robertson says:

      I’m in the exact situation. I work with my ex and she moved on to someone else within two weeks. And what hurts more is that she is dating someone else from our work. Makes me want to puke but I have to deal with it. It makes me angry but I turn that anger into razor sharp focus and lots of diet control with working out. I will be better. First step is no contact!

  14. Good advice. Just saw my ex with another guy. Ouch. Anyway thanks for the site for guys. I get tired of reading stuff written for women. Keep up the good work

  15. Jesse, sorry if this is long, but I can’t make sense of what really happened. I have known this girl for years. She is a bartender at a place I USED to frequent. We always had chemistry, but she was with a guy, and then got pregnant. The marriage didn’t last, and we began dating after a few months of theyre split. We got close really quickly, but being that people knew me at her bar, we tried to keep it a secret that they were dating. I was worried that they would start rumors if they found out, that would jeopardize our relationship. I wasn’t ashamed of dating her, but I didn’t see myself dating a bartender, with a kid, and surrounded by friends that I didn’t see being good for her. I thought that by showing her better things, or making her think that the environment that she was in was harmful to her. She agreed with those things at first, but where I lived, or the money I make didn’t mean anything to her. I actually liked that about her, but then began to be like “how can she not want to change her life?” “how is she not impressed with what I am offering?” She is really soft on the inside, but a hard shell on the out. This was hard for me because I have a sarcastic sense of humor, and like to tease. When I would tease her about something (clothing, music choices, etc.), it was little to me. I was just playing. I think she is beautiful, and would tell her. But my teasing made her think that she couldn’t be herself. I didn’t see this until after she broke up with me. I thought she would just tease me back, but instead, she kept it all inside of her, and when she would say she felt like she couldn’t be herself, I didn’t understand. I love to be silly, and have fun. How could little jokes make her feel this way? I never wanted to hurt her. I wanted to take her away from the losers in her life. I was great with her kid, and thought that would make her see she should be with me. I am 37 and she is 25. I would see her making so many mistakes, that as you get older, you see so many younger people make. I would offer advice when she would complain about ruining her life by getting pregnant, having to leave school, and being tied to someone so terrible by having a child with him. We dated for 8 months before it ended. She is still married after being separated for over a year. There was always an excuse why they couldn’t go through with the divorce. It was either, he couldn’t get off work, or forgot paper work. I told her that it was his way of keeping them together. That he wanted to play and then be able to come back. Well, he did, and she considered it since we had split a few weeks before. It hurt that she considered this, but I understood since they have a child, and didn’t fault her for it. When she decided to leave it was because she said she couldn’t be herself with me. When I would give her advice (that I though was helpful), she would get upset and yell at me “I’m not dating my father” She just wanted me to sit there and say “I’m sorry, I love you” “it will be ok”. Which I’d say, but then I would offer advice to help her deal with it. I thought I was doing the right thing. The night it ended she told me she maxed out her credit card. I told her to be careful to not ruin her credit. She got so mad. I was just offering advice. That’s how I took it. I understand now what she was saying. After a few weeks I tried to apologize. I told her I now understood. We kissed passionately when I left. We could’ve had sex, but I didn’t. Her son was sleeping, and I figured it wasn’t over, so there would be time for that. I thought we were going to work it out. She texted me the next day saying that she loved me, and still cared, but needed to be on her own. That she didn’t feel the same. I let it go, and moved on. But she would keep sending me texts saying she missed me, or that she kept hearing songs that reminded her of us. I thought this was a hidden message that she wanted to still try. She was now back to drinking and partying with her friends. Being an attractive bartender she always had things to do, people to be with, guys to date. I figured that her going back out was clouding her judgement. She had her phone stolen one night out, had to go to the hospital for being so hungover, and I thought she would see how things were worse since leaving. I was wrong! Then my grandfather died. I was tore up and went to see her. There was something different with her this time. She said she was there for me. I AGAIN apologized for things, and told her I understood. When I left we didn’t kiss. The next day she said that there just wasn’t any chemistry any more. I was devastated! I mean, chemistry was always our thing. I was now dealing with a death and a break up. Way too much at once! I would send her long texts of how I loved her and realize what I was doing. I put her on a pedestal. When she definitely had issues of her own. I did everything they say you shouldn’t do. I was a wreck! Now I think she is with someone else. Girls like that can’t stay single long. She always has guys hitting on her. It always bothered me. Dating a bartender isn’t easy and especially if you have insecurities, which I do. I see things so clearly now, but it feels too late. I called her and apologized for not understanding yesterday, and am now starting no contact. Now I feel I have ruined a good thing. But why didn’t I think that when we were together. I worried that our paths, and where we are now, were too different. She didn’t seem deep. Couldn’t carry conversations with me. Was always on facebook or pinterest and it drove me crazy. I would be like, “damn, can’t anyone talk any more?” I thought the age difference was a problem. Now I feel like I will never be able to get a girl who looks like that. I live in a superficial area, and she was not superficial, and I loved that about her. Now I feel like I ruined everything, but keep asking “why did I always have this feeling that something wasn’t right when we were together?” I am so lost now. I feel like being 37, I will only see women who are not attractive. I am a decent looking guy, and look young for my age, which allowed me to date younger attractive women, but is that what I really need? How can you go from dating hotties, to then trying to look outside that, when every one your age doesn’t appeal to you? Dating sites seem to make it worse. I don’t know what I’ve done, and now I feel like it won’t get better. I am now working on my anxiety issue. I’m on google everyday trying to make sense of things. What did I do? Was it right to leave. This has allowed me to see a lot of issues that I have, but it is torture to learn these things after the fact. Moving on seems impossible. All my friends are married with kids and that makes it hard to be around. Her son had an affect on me that I didn’t see. I miss her so much, but am I missing her, or just the feeling of having someone? It’s hard for me to meet women. I’m not the guy in the bar that just works numbers. My job is demanding and I travel a lot. I feel like I will never get that chance again. It has become hard to move on. To get out of bed. To focus on work. Was it right for us to split? Was I totally wrong in our relationship? Why did I do the ultimate rule of going back and spilling my guts? Giving her all the power to move on, while making myself look weak and unattractive. Now I think she is with someone else. She acts like her life is so much better now. Which hurts even more! I’m sorry this was so long. I feel like I could keep going, but I would be surprised if any one is even still reading. I hope I explained enough here. Can you help me with what I did and help makes sense of what happened? Thanks for sharing…if you were able to last through all of this!

  16. Prateek says:

    hello Sir,

    My girlfriend never had time for me, she always gave excuses..she would never plan a date and whenever I brought the topic, it led to arguments and we would end up having a huge fight..this issue has been troubling me since the beginning of our relationship..recently, her mother had undergone surgery and we didn’t see each other for more than two months..I didn’t force her because of the situation..but now her mother’s back home and still she didn’t ask me to meet her..This shows her seriousness towards the relationship..
    So, I ended the 2 year relationship today but I don’t feel good..I was very much attached to her but she never understood how important it is for a couple to hang out..
    Did I do the right thing??

  17. What if you work with this person? it makes it as difficult as it gets.

  18. Hi Jesse. my ex GF just broke up with me she said that she is under alot of pressure
    & need some time appart. She also says she still loves & cares for me. Here the difficult part
    we are also coworkers I am her manager. She is also starting to date another coworker.
    What should I do?

    • Frank Kush says:

      That’s why you don’t fish off the company pier. Hopefully you went out and crushed some pussy so you can get the smell of death off of you.

      Good luck.

  19. Justin Duvall says:

    Me and my ex were together for 6 years we just recently separated. I was depressed most of the time we were together. We went thru so much a death of our child. Then a birth of new one. There were so many bad times in our relationship that outwayed the good. When we separated it started off mutual until i found out she had been seeing someone else. It only took her a week to bring a new man in her and my sons life. It hurt so bad because she said she didnt love me anymore and when i asked why she would bring someone into her life so quick. She told me because he makes her happy. Now my emotions arr running wild and i dont know what to do. I love my son but its hard seeing this guy over what was once our house. I feel like i love her but i dont know why. She has been so cold and hurtful to me. I still see my son but it hurts so bad to know i was replaced so quick. I dont know what to do anymore i cant sleep. I went thru a period of not eating for 5 days. I feel like im in a bad dream and cant wake up. If there is any advice you could help me with i could sure use it. Thanks

    • I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a tought time. I was married for several years and had similar circumstances. I felt my x seeing a different guy helped me let go to what we once had. Keep your child close to you and don’t worry about what your x is doing. Spending time with my children helped me heal. The love for a child is unconditional and is forever unlike relationships where there is no guarantee. Take care

    • I’m in this exact situation right now. I see u posted this a year ago. Makes me wonder about the outcome. As I sit here with the same feelings u described, I also do feel a sense of relief. It’s most definitely one of the worst pain u can ever feel in life especially with a child involved. I’ve lost about 50lbs thru the process. But I know beyond any reasonable doubt that the relationship is over and that’s not such a bad thing. I was deprived of feeling loved, wanted or appreciated in that relationship. its like a quote by Robin Williams, “I use to think the worst thing in life is to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with ppl who make u feel alone”. That quote really struck a cord with me. Knowing it’s a quote from someone who eventually ended his own life makes it that much more real to me.

  20. Needingsomehelp says:

    Hi Jesse,

    I need some objective advice. I’ll keep it short.

    Im 28, ex-GF was 26. We broke up 6 months ago after 2.5 years together (the last year long distance)- she wanted out because she didnt feel commitment from me- i tried my best but i totally was the guy that was trying to meet her needs and I put her on a pedestal but I did this out of desperation at the end when she was pulling away….Today, I still love her.

    1 month after we ended, I called her and tried to get her back.. when she said no, I hung up and cried. 3 days later I called her up and told her off for her lying to me about some things and hiding things (particularly about talking to another guy; not cheating that I know of, but hiding him from me). I did not take the high road and told her I’ll never look at her the same way again. She cried, slammed the phone on me and never admitted to lying, and told me to angrily have a nice life— we havent spoken since. She was in a new relationship 2 weeks later. (and still is with him). Im hurt- Im faking it til I make it, but deep down I am still broken. I dont know if perhaps writing her a message wishing her well would help me heal, trying to end on better terms as we did truly care for each other and I still do.. but i feel that would just give her the satisfaction she wants and im not sure if she would hurt me more depending on how she responds.

    What should I do? 🙁

    • Frank Kush says:

      She didn’t feel commitment from you because she was fucking around on the side and felt guilty about it. She was projecting her guilt onto you. Never let a woman know you care too much about her because it always leads back to this place.

  21. Hi jesse this is my story. Is long and detail but I thought it might help others to relate.

    I had been dating a girl for about a year and a half. I met her through a friend one night we went out. She was living in Miami at the time and I was working down in Bogotá. She had come down to Bogotá for a wedding and that weekend she went out with a mutual friend of ours and we met.

    The next morning I contacted her through my friend and we started talking. She went back to miami that next day but we started to talk everyday and since I used to live in miami, my family lives in miami and still have a house there, it was easy for me to visit her often. I started going every month or she came once a month. We would see each other about 5-10 days a month… She had just graduated and was not working yet so it was easy to come and stay for 1 or 2 weeks with me. We did this for about a year. During this time we made so many plans together. We had plans to get married, to have kids, we even used to visualize where we would live and how we wanted things to be. I was in love, I had never been so in love. I admired her for what she was, I had fun with her, I found her so atractive. Well basically i would call her THE ONE when I talked to my friends about it. I believed she felt the same thing for me, at least she said she did.

    Because she could not find a job to stay in the US and she wanted to start her own company in Latin America she moved back home with her parents in venezuela. I went and stayed 3 weeks with her. We went to my parents house in an island in Venezuela, she met my school friends and so on. I had to come back to work in Bogotá and we expected things to go like they had been going.

    I have to mention that we did had a bit of problems (arguments) because she could not decide where she wanted to live or what she wanted to do and I was a bit pushy for her to move with me or at least the same city. She used to say she liked the idea but never really executed anything.

    After I came back from spending the 3 weeks with her those arguments became more constant. We decided to give each other time but we kept talking everyday (she would text me every morning). But at one point we had a fight and she decided we had to stop. I gave her space and time and did not contact her for about 3 weeks (send two emails with a link to a love song during that time hahaha).

    It was my birthday 4 weeks ago and she emailed me. I emailed her back and it was very friendly. I was in Venezuela visiting my parents and told her and she was happy I was there… As I realized I knew I had to try to get back because I knew that she was the one for me. I knew this all along but I was a bit proud and dissapointed she decided to move to Caracas than come with me so I did not contact her also thinking it was a smart choice.

    I contacted her 2 weeks ago vía email saying I wanted to start talking again, just talking and see what happens and I told her I loved her and missed her a lot. She replied saying that it was very nice of me to write such email and that she was glad and happy that I still felt those things for her but that she had moved on and that she was dedicated to starting her business and she is now daitng some one who makes her happy and gives her peace of mind and that she thinks that I should turn the page and do the same. She even said it was better if we didnt talk again and mentioned to please not hate her for this. This was devastating. I send an email back very nice saying i didnt expect this and that didnt expect the no talkiing again part but that i understaood and that i never hated her or will hate her and that if she was happier with this guy I understood and so on. Never got a response.

    Then yesterday, two weeks after the email, I contacted her best friend who became some what close to me because I needed her opinion. i wanted to know if I should contact her or if that is a lost cause. Her best friend told me things straight up and she said that there is no reason for me to contact her, that she had been very clear with me on what she wanted. Her friend said that she had never seen her so happy with someone. I told her friend that she (my gf) use to tell me that she had never felt like this for someone when she was with me, she even was the first one to say i love you, she use to share marriage plans with me and that I felt she was really in love. When I told all this things she could not understand, she said she didnt understand how she move on so quikly or what happened. Neverheless, she said to not contact her because she tried to move on and met this guy and now if i contact her i will create problems between them and my gf will hate me for that. I asked her if she might contact me in the future and her friend said probably not.

    I just want to know your opinion on what happened? I mean we used to “love” each other so much and in 1 month after the break up she starts seeing some one and 2 months after the break up her friends claims she is sort of in love? Is she in a rebound? maybe she found someone who she really really loves and she never really loved me? Will she ever come back or should I turn the page and begin a new chapter and forget the hope of she contacting me?

    I feel very hurt, I feel like the relationship was not really real, like she really did not mean or fealt what she was saying. In one of the emails I asked my gf and my gf said that the things she said to me she really thought they were true. But that she never planned this and it just happened….

  22. Hi Jesse Sir , my name is vivaan .. i am following your advices , i broke up in february 2014 & it has been 8 months now .. i am following no contact rule & it is really helpful , but sometime all my buried emotions suddenly ignites those good feelings and care i had for her , i know its over now but the thought of her being in someone else arm who could never love her like i did is breaking me inside .. i cant get over the thought of she being kissed or even touch by someone else .. should i continue to suffer like this ? is there any way out of this ? i tried my best to get her back but things didnt work , it was 15 months long relationship .. the thought of she is sleeping with her new guy is killing me .. i am deeply sad but helpless … i respect you , you are like brother to me , please advice me sir .. yours faithfully, vivaan.

    • Vivaan,

      Hang in there buddy, you’re doing the right things. No contact is going to help your brain circuits recover from the deep attachment you had with this girl. The less you see her, the less you think about her, the less intense the emotions become. So not only stick to no contact, but guard yourself from thinking about her. If you think about her, catch yourself, and redirect your thoughts.

      Know that the pain wanes, and you become stronger because of it.

      • Thanx a lot Jesse bro for your reply … yes exactly , i am keep following no contact rule & day by day , things are getting better .. your advice is really helpful … during initial stage of no contact rule i had a false hope that she may contact me but she continued to give me cold shoulder , it was hard to digest this fact , her reaction was shocking to me but now i am focusing on myself … now i realise that i can live happily even without her & someday i will find my ideal match , someone who can understand my love 🙂

  23. Hi Jesse Sir

  24. Struggling loads with everything

    • Hey Dazzle. I remember feeling overwhelmed, and looking back, I was in a very bad place, both during and after the relationship.

      People undergoing breakups have been known to display the symptoms of depression. I’m not an expert on depression. I can only speak from experience, and looking back at mine, I can now see that I was in a very, very dark place. I got out, by changing everything around me. My location, my friends, my school… everything I could. And it started out sucking hard, and being super scary. But slowly but surely, I rebuilt my life, and with it, my identity.

  25. Hurt in NB says:

    My break up was not quite 2 months. She called it off after almost 4 years. She wanted me to move in with her after a year and eventually marry. I have to say, she is an amazing person, Very easy to get along with, kind, sincere, passionate, well educated but I just could not make that move. Some of the things that bothered me about her was that she was not a good house keeper, she had a nice house but would sooner be outside planting flowers. I tried to help and motivate her to change but it just did not take. She was a clean person but had no desire to clean 15 minutes a day.
    After about 2 years I was trying to find away to bail out but still loved her and still spent 5 out of 7 days and nights at her house. I may as well have been living there.
    We travelled together which was a complete joy,, always a great time. We got along, we talked, walked, joked, We were glued at the hip. Sex was never an issue,,, god there were time she wore me out.
    Even still there were times I wanted to just get my stuff and bail out due to house keeping issues….etc
    This past July 1st 2014 I made the mistake of meeting another girl for coffee for just ONE HOUR, I met her on a single site just looking for friends., someone new to talk too. Nothing sexual or intimate.,,, I have a tough time talking to my male friends or making new male friends…… lets face it,,, what macho guy wants to hear his friend whine about his girlfriend or feelings toward his relationship. I did not not how to access a help program through work to talk to a professional.. ANYWAY,,, after that coffee date,,, I realized what I did wrong and stopped it instantly knowing that my GF would NEVER do what I did.
    Anyway,,, the girl I met turned out to be my girlfriends friends boarder……… yup… that right,,, they knew one another .. well 2 days later my girlfriend got a text, and confronted me about it,,, I did not deny a thing,,, told the truth,,,,, needless to say july 5th I was cleaning my stuff out of her house.
    We met 2 weeks after to talk because I did find professional help to deal with the loss of her and my infidelity. We talked peacefully and she did say that the relationship was OVER. She cried,, she hugged me and told me she loved me but needed time and space. One thing that threw me off was,,,, she said,, ” of you do not hear from me before Sept 30th to call her.”
    Not sure what to make of that……
    Anyway,,, still no contact with her to this day,,, although it was my birthday this past week and heard nothing from her,,, she never forgets birthdays,,, so that stung a bit.

  26. K-Life Express says:

    I guess if I’m still living in the same place then there is no point in doing NC because I will always have that big reminder. Plus, I’m a dj and also have a deep fascination with music AND radio, so getting away from some of the music we shared (and it’s A LOT) will not be possible…

    What happened was we never broke up, but she went on vacation in east coast to meet family and she was about to come back after her mother left back for Africa, but then ……. I ran my big mouth to the leader of international studies at our college, telling the lady about my girlfriend’s psychological and mental issues which caused the leader to call my girlfriend’s sister and tell her that she recommends that my girlfriend stays in east coast and finds a school over there (although it really wouldn’t make a difference either way). Her sister also wants her to stay. She is in this country on a student visa, by the way, so either way there was going to be a risk of “losing” her at some point unless we got married.

    There’s more to the story, but that’s the basic and most important ingredients to it.

    I truly want to keep the apartment she and I were living in and switch the lease to my name because the rent and the location are EXTREMELY convenient. A two bedroom for $500? AND it’s downtown around every place I need to be? I cannot give that up to go back to living at home with parent, especially if I’m supposed to be doing something to make myself feel BETTER. I felt more depressed at home, mostly because of the location, even before all this happened.

    Now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if no contact is appropriate or we keep talking through skype and hopefully meet again, but a bus takes two days to get there (also consider trying to schedule this around work hours and consider the additional two days to get back and the cost vs how much time I get to spend there) and flights are too expensive to be doing all the time.

    No contact break up? Or keep it going long distance? I also wonder if going no contact as of today will push her to fall for someone else in the east coast where she is… or if it could make her think about returning? Lastly, the fact that she is staying over there isn’t guaranteed until she finds a school who is willing to accept her over there. Circumstances make knowing the odds of her being accepted a little unpredictable. She does know that she has a school here (the one we were attending) that will accept her for fall semester. Will going no contact and telling her “please give me a call if you’re ever in my area” destroy all possibilities of her returning? And I wonder what her sisters will say if she tells them the news about my no contact plans…

  27. Sam O'Brien says:

    Thanks so much Jesse! Your posts have been invaluable! I have been through multiple break ups, and they have all been excruciatingly difficult, but I wish I had this type of advice in my former breakups.:) I might not have then made the same mistakes twice! Anyways, I really appreciate it man.

  28. Hi Jesse, this has been my go to site trying to figure my self out and fix my self.

    I rarely fall for a girl, women come and go, that’s life and I’ve accepted that fact over a decade ago. I’ve dated and been with a vast verity of women. I am an average on looks, athletic, and confident around women. I work in womens clothing fashion so I’ve become accustomed to speaking with women and controlling my flirts.

    There’s a girl who works right across from me, from day one I was drawn. I was in denial and avoided her, its the way she looked at me.. Like a deer at a headlight.. No facial expression, just this stare.. And I’d get lost in her eyes.. Time stopped.. I heard that phrase before being “moonstruck” never believed it till it happened to me.
    I’m not a non believer of love, I just never believed it for me. Sounded rubbish..

    Anyways one morning I was in a good mood, and we met eyes again like everyday so I naturally shouted good morning ! And she replied with a smile “finally u talk to me, its about time” I took it as an obvious invitation and replied smiling “about time? I didn’t even see u till this morning” we exchanged a few flirts here and there and I let it ended it there. After a few weeks of it, I told her because of work and how it may look why not exchange numbers so I can talk to her secretly without worrying about who sees us. She was delighted and took my number right away and we texted for a couple of days. Eventually one Friday she said she’s really going to miss me, so I suggested why don’t we go on a date she said yes shed love to.
    And of course I was stood up lol, I let it slide which I shouldn’t have but she kept asking if I was upset I brushed it off and said no, then another Friday so I asked her out again, and again she was flakey never contacted me back .. At this point I said forget it, she probably has a relationship and was hiding it.
    Monday came and I ignored her, her friend who was also my friend started asking me about us, I suppose rumors spread fast. Her friend seemed jealous and started getting in between with questions and that I’m a player etc..etc..
    So on that Monday I told her its ok, forget it.. She kept apologizing about that weekend and she needed to talk to me, so I said alright that Monday night! A dinner date .. And she did, turns out she’s a single mother and she’s been preoccupied on the weekends with a new born, she was afraid this little info would scare me off as her friend told her. So I assured her its alright. I’m willing to give it a try, fast forwarding with the dates and all it was going great .. We became closer and we had better communications .. However there was no intimacy .. I told her it was alright, she had trust issues .. Men just wanted one thing from her, I told her I’m patient and I wanted all of her not just her body.

    As time progresses it felt like it was still getting better, the way she looked at me hasn’t changed except she adds a smile after the blank stares.. She has this flirty smile that she gives at every opportunity. One day she told me her friend told her to be careful of me, I told her obviously she was jealous.. I’m not a player, I do look like one or so I’ve been told, but I’m set on one girl and have always been that way.

    We didn’t fight just she needed to gain trust, I said alright. Randomly her ex started getting back into her life due to the baby and she kept telling me how much she hated it, I told her let me be there for her. She gave me the excuse it was too embarrassing to how complicated her life was. Again I was being too naive and played the nice guy.

    She invited me to her friends wedding and she wanted me to meet her friends, when that day came I heard nothing from her, I believe she met someone there, that week some new guy stopped by to see her, she quickly came to me hugging me and talking to me about seeing me next week in front of him, as I walked away I looked back and caught him leaning outward like he was checking to see if I’ve left or not.

    That’s when I knew, I didn’t understand there were no signs, I told my self she got bored.. She’s that type of women.. I didn’t jump to conclusions giving her respect that shed tell me, a few weeks go by and she says nothing.. Acts the same.. The stares and smiles but we stopped talking as much, certainly not over the phone.. Just in person.. So after 2 weeks I told her I’m done… She apologizes and says she hasn’t been her self.. This whole ex back in her life has been sooo stressful. I told her anyways I’m done, this was 2 months after that guy incident and I told her I waited patiently enough, and she just cut me off.. I told her I was hurt, I don’t show it but I am.. What hurt most was she made me feel like I was nothing but a blank piece of paper being thrown away, something u don’t even think back about when u throw it away.
    I told her I once promised her I’d be there always, I intend to keep all my words.. So we can be friends in the future but not right now, I need to get over her before then..
    She said she will text me later so we can continue this conversation and gives me a hug, and sorry smile.
    I waited all day like a fool.. And no text

    A week passes and she wanted to talk so I told her no, and what hurts even more is after I told her that she doesn’t even care..
    She said she’s sorry, she would never want to hurt me, I said I’m not trying to get an apology
    I rarely open my heart to a women and it was her after all these years.. She tore it up.. I meant nothing to her.. I said I have so many questions but I’m not going to ask them.. I have so much I want to say.. But I won’t.. All I’m going to say is u hurt me so much.. And we can’t be friends right now.. I left

    I have tried the no contact, it was difficult considering I see her everyday, I also don’t want anyone to know I’m hurt so I pretend I’m alright everyday.. My pride .. My ego won’t let me show it.. But hearing her name or seeing her breaks my heart little by little each time..

    My friends think I’m a player type and I have women lined up so I don’t want to admit to them that I’m broken.. My family I don’t talk to so I’m dealing with this on my own..

    I gym everyday, Saturday and Sundays I cardio 2-3hrs I keep my self pretty busy, but every min of the day she’s in my head.. My heart aches.. I thought maybe if I just contact her but pretend I’m alright, I’d feel better .. So I broke the no contact.. I know big mistake.. But I actually got better, as in my depression going away.. I know it was just an illusion but I’m sure a lot of men here agrees when desperate it seemed like a brilliant idea lol. As we started talking I commented u must be mad since I didn’t get a reply through texts.. She told me her numbers changed.. And she talks to nooo one now, not even her friends..
    I supposed that made me feel better ? Gave my self ideas and false hope, another week goes by just recently, I see a new guy go up to her and ask her for her number.. She easily gives him her phone… Just crushed me.. She looked at me right away.. And had this sad look.. I figured by guilt.. I couldn’t put up my fake smile anymore.. I had a client over talking about new opportunities, listened to him as long as I could, I gave him a hand shake as verbal agreement, told him I need to be some where and the rest of the info give to my assistant. They’ll take care of him, apologized to my next client and told everyone I needed to be else where and left..

    Found some place to sit and think.. Calm my self down.. Few hours pass.. I can still go back into work so I went back, made sure I can at least go home knowing nothing is screwed up at work.

    I see her again, this time she looks a little better.. Instead of the sad face of guilt she has this look like she wanted to tell me something.. Every time our eyes meet I looked away, she even tried to smile. I know shell try to explain something either way I didn’t want to deal with it anymore..

    Sorry for such a long story Jesse I just wanted u to see where I stand, so for the past few weeks I’ve even tried to date a few girls, absolutely beautiful women but when the time comes I become flakey.. I realized till I’m over my ex and I’m normal I can’t.. My self confidence is dead also..

    My body is in great shape.. 170lbs st 7-8% body fat, 5″10 .. Women tell me I am handsome,cute,sexy not bragging but I personally don’t see it ? After her I thought to my self maybe it was my physical looks.. My face.. My wardrobes .. The way my voice sounds.. I dont know..

    I keep my self busy.. I gym 5am go to work right after.. End work at 6.. Gym again or go home.. In bed by 9ish.. Must Thai in between.. 2-3 hours of training during weekends.. And during all of that she’s there.. In my head.. My heart.. Cracking.. I’ve never been this broken before and it is alien to me.. I tell my self its ok to be sad but I chose not to suffer.. Everyday when I think of her.. I tell my self there are no mistakes in life.. Only lessons.. But nothings working.. Frankly I’m getting tired.. Exhausted of this depression.. I don’t feel like doing anything of go anywhere.. I literally force my self everyday.. I can’t sleep… Have a hard time eating.. Is there any other advice I can use some more right now..

    Even trying happy songs to overcome my depression.. Even at work I have earphones on 1 ear all day now.. Even as I type this on my phone lol..

    • Hi k,

      I’m honored and proud this site helped you out that much. It’s comments like yours that make it all worth it!

      I think you’re got the “keeping busy” part of things handled. What you need to work on is opening up.

      I’m going to take a wild guess here, but it sounds like you don’t have any friends or family you really open up to. You don’t have anyone in your life you are able to tell you feel broken.

      You’re wearing a mask 24/7, that’s what’s killing you, not some girl.

      The way to get rid of the mask is become self accepting. You need to accept your flaws, you need to accept your current situation and you need to make peace with your insecurities. There’s not better way of doing that then opening up to your friends. 8% body fat, congratulations, but it doesn’t mean shit if you’re not truly at peace with yourself. And if you’re not, some girl might find her way through the cracks in that shield of yours, and break you from the inside out, and you’ll keep on trying to hide it from the world.

      Your problem is you’re running away from the pain. Sounds like me you need to face it, and maybe even cry like a man.

      • Hey Jesse, u are correct, I do wear a mask. I was going over ur other topic about dissolving the mask.. And yes I do not have anyone to tell my problems to, or its my self stopping my self to..
        The problem is .. And I know this sounds silly but I don’t know how to ?
        As I was raised this way since childhood, my mother raised me to never reveal my emotions, be little of words and expressions weren’t for men.. I grew up with this habit and I’ve always kept things to my self.. As for romance I’ve always shown it rather than saying it.. Probably one of my major problems for my relationships is I’m not open.

        I’m not sure how and where to start, actually this is the first time I’ve vented lol and its online.. Feels rather good but also makes me feel more pathetic and worthless as such little things could bother me this much.. Women come and go its a fact and a part of life yet one women driven me to the point I’m desperately seeking help to regain my self, I feel out of place.. I’ve always been able to figure out my problems and overcome hardships on my own with common sense. And here I am so lost.

        Today is back to square one of no contact rule and it is devastating.. Since morning she’s been trying to make eye contact like if she had something exciting to tell me but I’d keep my eyes looking at different directions to avoid her, I’d accidentally look at her and avoid eye contacts. Breaks my heart every minute I’m here. Questions keep dwelling with selfish false hopes of.. What if.. Maybe.. Chances.. And we can.. Etc etc.. Then the bitter.. Of why.. When.. How can she.. Why Me.. Why now.. I did this to my self.. How can I..

        I’ve searched online and there are methods such as hate her.. That it’ll help avoid her.. But I can’t.. I really cant.. If she completely ignores me.. Probably be easier to hate her.. But ultimately I can’t ? Or maybe plain don’t want to hate her.. How can I ? I cherished her..

        As I read ur comment, I do realize I need to love my self more, it’ll be the right step to the right direction .. Maybe that’s why I was so addicted to her, the way she made me feel during the good times.. When I should’ve found my self first..
        I’ve been trying to think rationally, so that everything will make sense.. And I just get lost again..

        I’m assuming this is just the early stages ?

        I want to try facing my pains, just not sure how. I’ve been trying to reevaluate my situation and use common sense to understand but again I start to dwell in questions.. I keep telling my self.. That reality is.. This is just a phase .. And it’ll be ok, I’ll get over it, look back at it and laugh about it.. Even forget.

        Again sorry for this long post, maybe my challenge is a little different from other cases but most men can relate to. I hope this challenge of mine will also help ur eBook and help others.

        Its been a few months and have not improved, I train in martial arts, physical pain I can endure but this emotionally and spiritually has taken a huge toll in my life and my Judgement’s

        Its good to know I’m not alone on this, and also a shame.. I’ve always been motivated to prepare my self for the worst outcomes in life of every situation but this is something I was totally unprepared for ! Lol

        • Hey man,

          It sounds like you know exactly what your challenge is: opening up to others. This is why you’re in so much pain right now. Your ex is probably one of the only people you’ve opened up to, perhaps ever. Now that that person is gone, it feels like a hole in your soul. Am I right?

          You need to use this experience as a wake up call. As a blessing. You’re focused and successful in certain areas of your life, but now you have a new challenge. Learning how to drop your guard and learning how to connect with others.

          Often times you learn how to drop your guard my starting to love yourself more until the point you realize there was no reason for the guard in the first place. You’re awesome just the way you are. No homo 😉


  29. Know what Jesse? You’re one of a hell great advisor! I am having almost the same experience with the one having an overly attached girlfriend. In just may 1 week she can forget you and hang around with the new guy. Well thanks so much for the advise I am starting no contact rule today. You rock bro! Regards!

  30. mohamed says:

    Jesse, I felt like u speak my mind man and for that I wanna thank u. Thank u for confirming that I’m not crazy 🙂 I almost started to wonder! I was in a long distance relationship and I saw her every now and then and she agreed to move in as soon as possible. We spoke on the phone for hours daily. We sent 10s messages throughout the day. One day all the calling and texting and planning to meet started to flow one way only. All of the sudden I started to ask myself and her am I imposing? Am I bugging? Am I begging? Yup, all of the above. I felt right then there’s something here and I know what it is but I’m just going to ignore it….I couldn’t.

    So I asked her if someone else has got her attention but she said no and got “upset”. Long story short, I finally expained to her that the only thing more intense than my passion is my pride and that I won’t be contacting her again. I never looked back and I promised myself to never look back…it was good time but I can have better 🙂 the truth is, now that I think about it, yes I was emotionally dependent on her and I wanted to do the impossible to see her happy everyday. My experience tought me to trust the fact that I know myself and I know what I want….I know when I give 120%, I excpect 120% minimum and that I wouldn’t settle for less.

  31. My girlfriend of 1.5 years just broke up with me, I feel like crap and want to move on, she lives near me and I know I will come into contact with her in person, im going to start getting rid of everything that reminds md of her and block social media, it sucks and I’ve never felt this bad before, i want to be happy but I get so lonely, it wasn’t a angery break up and we said we want to respect each other and keep everything mature, but its so hard not to blame her and get mad, I just feel like im being punished for her choices I guess, and it sucks so bad, any advice for face to face meetings, like how should I act

  32. I was in a relationship that lasted a year. She was older and wealthy, and married. Didn’t plan it, it just happened. Before me she was with someone for close to 10 yrs. she met me 2 years after she broke up with her Ex. Her reason for breaking up was that she wanted to be faithfull to her husband even if he didn’t deserve it. I noticed that she started withdrawing, and was always busy to even reply a msg. Apparently she had ended the affair before I knew that she did. She avoided me seriously and when I finally realized what was going on I became heartbroken. We have spoken about the break up, I have expressed anger but it’s difficult for me to move on because I feel cheated. I never wanted to fall in love and drop my guard 100% with her but she made sure I did and afterwards she broke my heart ( I even let her know I don’t drop my guard 100% but that I was going to make an exception with her). It’s difficult. What do I do? How do I move on. It’s almost 6months now. We still talk and are friendly, but deep down i feel betrayed.

    • Hey Maxi,

      I struggled with the “dropping my guard” issue a lot as well, here is what I believe is the best strategy.

      As a guy you shouldn’t have 0 secrets from your partner. I’m not saying get into the habit of keeping stuff from her, but it’s healthy to have a private part of your life that’s just for you. It’s necessary in maintaining your own identity, which should be distinct from the “couple” identity you share with your partner. So I would say let your guard down 100% in 90% of the areas of your life, and keep it up in just a few.

      Then also get into the habit of letting your guard down with friends and family. Often when you’re guard is up, you’re wearing a mask. If you’re only taking that mask off with one person, that’s a lot to deal with for that person and you’re setting yourself up to become dependent on them. Women want you to be able to be yourself with them, but also for you to be yourself with others. Being yourself involves letting your guard down, so this is something I believe you need to become comfortable with.

      Over the past years I’ve been disposing of all my masks and I can tell you, it breeds confidence and fulfillment.

    • Maxi, remaining friends and in contact is tough. You have to go no-contact. I just started my journey, and its tough as hell.

  33. Yeah I know. But I want NC so I can heal sooner.

  34. She said her feelings weren’t strong enough anymore.

    • That’s my point. You’re making it sound like you would take her back at this point. Which is undermining your self-worth.

      You need to decide for yourself that it is over, regardless of what she says, thinks or feels.

      Your mentality cannot be: I’m going no contact because she doesn’t want to talk to me. That’s undermining your self worth. That’s implying you would even WANT to be with someone that has no interest in you. You don’t. And if you do, that’s the feeling which you need to scrutinize. Because it is what’s causing the pain.

  35. I still have feelings for the girl and it pains me to see that she moves on so quikly. She already made out with other guys so I know it’s definetely over, but I still can’t let it go. I am not running away from my thoughts and have imagined het with other guys several times. I also haven’t had contact with her for a week now. But I need and really want to let it go. Anyway thanks for the support.

    • Is it over because she’s no longer interested, or is it over because you’re putting yourself first and wouldn’t take her back after this kind of behavior?

  36. Can’t stand the thoughts of her having sex with other guys. What can I do about it?

    • Have you come to terms with the relationship being over? If not, then you need to reach your tipping point first.

      If you have, then I would suggest something counter-intuitive. I would make your mind go there on purpose just to prove to yourself it won’t kill you. Instead of continuously running away of those thoughts when they come up, I would take a stand. I would imagine her having sex with another guy, knowing that if you can handle that thought, you can handle anything the world throws at you.

      You might not be ready, but when you are, it’s all about facing your fears and not running away from them.

  37. reading all the steps and advise really helps me get through this. I was with my girlfriend for 5 and a half years. I tried the whole lets be friends thing but it all ended badly and ended up with her deleting me from her life (facebook,instagram ect) and I was shattered but after reading this I feel much better and hopefully I can move forward and learn from all this and I hope she can as well.
    thanks heaps

  38. This site is a saviour for me right now. I was contacting my ex like crazy over the past 2 weeks until Monday when he started ignoring me. It sent me crazy but have been in No contact since Wednesday and already feeling better. The thoughts are still there but trying to move on one day at a time.

  39. Hi. Thank you for the post, I appreciate it!
    I was in a relationship for 5 years until my then girlfriend broke up with me. I wasn’t in contact with her for about 3 months. Long story short.. I started seeing her again – friends. A few weeks ago, she told me she’s seeing someone else! This is so heartbreaking!!!!

    • Getting that news is brutal. But it shows the risk of trying to stay friends after a relationship. It’s a sign you weren’t completely romantically detached yet. I would advise to sever contact for a longer period before you attempt to become friends.

  40. I need help,please someone help me get through this…

  41. interesting advice, i saw myself doing many things i shud/shudnt be doing that you mentioned, but its hard when a child is involve, and to make it worse my ex txt me the other day she is seeing someone else and thought she would let me know. I couldnt sleep that night, i just wana kill that guy, before he kills my kid.

    • That’s true. You cannot go 100% no contact when there are children involved. Jealousy is likely one of the most powerful emotions we can feel.

  42. I just can’t express enough how thankful I’m for this articles and advices. You feel like is the end of your life, and It’s the beginning of a new chapter in it. Thank you very much Jesse, I don’t feel lonely in the world because of your articles. Now I know that anywhere in the world us, guys, share similar feelings when it’s over. Hugs for everyone, from South America.

  43. jacklemon says:


  44. Running is definitely the best thing there is right now. I can’t believe how much it clears my mind…

  45. I know I should be going nc but the thought of never seeing her KILLS me.. I still care about her and she cares about me

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