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Let the pain transform you

How to deal with passing / visting places connected to your ex?

How do you deal with passing or visiting places that are connected to your ex? I always get that feeling in my gut when I pass her home. I have to inadvertently drive by her place when I… Read Article →

Why did she do X on social media?

A common question I get is after guys see something their ex does on Facebook or some other social media platform and they try to interpret what it means. Here's an example: I don’t have… Read Article →

Anxiety: How to deal with it

A member of our Facebook group shares the following method for dealing with an anxiety attack: the old cliche'of step by step. For me 'one day at a time' was too much. I was just trying to… Read Article →

First breakups hurt more

People that go through a breakup for the first time, or whose first deep and meaningful relationship comes to an end, often describe their situation in existential terms. They say things… Read Article →

How do you change her mind?

How does one change a perception that the relationship was toxic? Background: ex thinks that due to her depression, our relationship was toxic and that she needed to let me go so that she… Read Article →

My girlfriend broke up with me out of nowhere

Girlfriend called it quits out of nowhere Thursday. We haven't even had fights in 4 years we were together. I love her dearly and miss her deeply. I need help stopping myself from trying to… Read Article →

Don't take ups and downs too seriously

Don't take ups and downs too seriously Your recovery will not be a linear process. You will feel a wide range of emotions at varying intensities at different times. When you’re on an upswing… Read Article →

Staying friends after a breakup

Take-aways You can be friends with your ex, but only when you both have no romantic interest in one another anymore If you have romantic feelings you will not be able to separate them from… Read Article →

Do you miss her, or do you miss how she made you feel?

Missing our former partner may be the most defining emotion we experience after the end of a relationship. It’s absolutely natural to miss someone, especially if that person played a large… Read Article →

How the end of a business relationship taught me something about breakups

I worked with a business coach over the span of a couple of months. As of this writing we’re no longer working together and also not in touch with one another. The reason I think this story… Read Article →

Always be willing to walk away

During a negotiation, one of the most powerful positions to have, is one where you have the power to walk away. If the other person needs something from you more than you need something from… Read Article →

Feelings aren't truths

When we're in love we feel amazing and we tend to think the person we're in love with is uniquely suited to be with us. We believe they are irreplaceable. It takes a failed relationship (or… Read Article →

Does she really love this new guy?

Getting dumped and having your ex-girlfriend leave you for another guy is the most painful thing I have ever experience and many of the guys that have commented on this blog would probably… Read Article →

Time distortion

One difficult you may have experienced is that certain feelings — your longing for your ex in particular — can unexpectedly overwhelm you. It is easier to come to terms with these cases if… Read Article →

Why does the sadness come in waves?

One of the most valuable lessons there is to learn about weathering the emotional storm of a breakup is realizing that the pain, the sadness, the negative emotions, all come in waves. When… Read Article →

Interview: Do I miss her? Or do I miss the relationship?

This is an interview with Carl, an old friend from my uni days. I wanted to interview Carl because he’s been in several long-term relationships and he’s lived through several breakups where… Read Article →

I shouldn't be feeling this way

Here's another common trap I see guys fall into. They say something like this: I shouldn't be feeling this way it's been 6 months (or longer)! or I shouldn't be feeling this way, we only… Read Article →

What to do with gifts?

I often get questions about what to do with gifts that were a present from the ex. Throwing away seems too harsh, or nonsensical (in the case of, say, a fine watch). Giving it back is a not… Read Article →

Why it hurts

An excerpt from my book: In order to alleviate some of the pain you’re feeling, it’s worth understanding why those emotions are there in first place. By understanding their purpose, it will… Read Article →

I can't agree with you when you say she isn't lying

From a reader: Hi Jesse, I think it’s sugar coating reality when you say she isn’t lying. Well I can’t agree with it. When a woman left you for another guy and goes into the relationship… Read Article →

Are you living in a bubble of your own creation?

Meet Steven. Steven is in pain. His girlfriend told him she needs space. She doesn't like how he focuses on her flaws and not his own. She says she's tried telling him, but he doesn't change… Read Article →

The easy let-down

There's a class of reasons for breaking up with someone that I call "The easy let-down". It's when someone's feelings have changed to the point where they don't want to be in a romantic… Read Article →

I did nothing to deserve this

First off, thank you for writing this post. I related with a lot of the points you made. My girlfriend left me a couple of weeks ago and I’m currently trying to piece myself together, but… Read Article →

She dumped me saying she's not over me cheating

We've been dating 3 years. I cheated a year ago. Thought we were past it. She dumped me a few days ago saying she's not over it. Finally stopped being irrational and crazy emotional today… Read Article →

Why do I still love her after she cheated on me?

Hi Jesse, Still feeling like shit it's been roughly three months since this break up. Finding out she's pregnant and then just the other week found out she's been cheating on me with the… Read Article →

My ex-girlfriend emotionally cheated on me and I can't get over it

From Alex: My girlfriend of 4.5 years recently broke up with me and it has really screwed me up. I am someone who is ready to settle down and she was also the same. I met her when she was… Read Article →

Grieving everyday losses

The authors of “The Grief Recovery Handbook” describe grief as the set of conflicting emotions that accompany a change in a familiar pattern. That’s a broad definition, and they deliberately… Read Article →

My finacé broke up with me

Hi Jesse. A month ago my fiancé dropped the bomb on me that she's not ready for marriage and wants to be single and independent. We'd been together for exactly two years and two months and… Read Article →

She used me to move on to another guy. Should I confront her?

Hi Jesse, Just wanted to say a big congratulations on the site. The advice here is pretty much exactly what I needed and relates so closely to how I'm feeling. I am 26 and my (ex) girlfriend… Read Article →

Let your friends ground you in reality

When my college girlfriend left me for another guy while we were on a break, I had isolated myself somewhat from my friends. Looking back I think I sensed she didn't mix well with my friends… Read Article →

Dealing with obessive thoughts

For many of us, our way of dealing with adversity is some form of thinking. "Oh shit, X happened. What does that mean? What should I do?" When faced with adversity we try to think our way… Read Article →

Attached (Amir Levine M.D., Rachel Heller M.A.)

In Attached psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S.F. Heller break down our current understanding of Attachment Theory, how it shapes our relationships and… Read Article →

Interview: It's only after you've lost everything you're free to do everything

This is the first a new interviews series I'm doing. In this interview I talk to William, a good friend of mine from college who (at the time of writing) went through a recent breakup with… Read Article →

Continued hope for reconciliation

From "Why we love" by Helen Fisher: Why do lovers continue to hope, even when the dice of life come up relentlessly against them? Most still hope the relationship will spring back to life… Read Article →

What is the quickest way to get over her?

The quickest way to avoid more pain than you’re already feeling is to make sure you don’t see your ex-girlfriend anymore and aren’t reminded of her anymore. This is incredibly simple advice… Read Article →

Acknowledging emotions

Acknowledging Emotions Throughout the aftermath of your breakup you will feel a wide range of emotions. Some will be more overwhelming than others and some will be less pleasant than others… Read Article →


A large part, if not the most part, of our behavior is guided by our unconsciousness. Who we are attracted to, when we get mad, what we think about something — we don’t get to choose to do… Read Article →

Take responsibility for your own happiness

One of the natural reactions to adversity is viewing yourself as the victim of some external circumstance. We find ourselves in pain and ask “what caused this?” The answer, invariably, is… Read Article →

Reaching your tipping point

You may be reading this and still very much feel in love with your ex-girlfriend. There may have been many signs that would indicate that the relationship is over and she wants nothing to do… Read Article →

The Romeo and Juliet effect

From Why We Love: Adversity often feeds the flame. I call this curious phenomenon “frustration-attraction” but it is better known as the “Romeo and Juliet effect.” Social or physical… Read Article →

You are ill-equipped to deal with grief

Grief is the normal reaction to a loss of any kind. The feelings you are having are normal and natural. However, in a society where we are increasingly conditioned to expect instant… Read Article →

Addicted to your ex-girlfriend

The dictionary definition of being addicted is being physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance. Typically we associate this condition with drug use, but doesn’t heartbreak… Read Article →

This can be harder on you than on her

Generally, the initiator of the breakup has an easier time getting over the relationship. If you’re reading this, more often than not, you’re not the initiator. So that will make things a… Read Article →

Your pain may be rooted in your old pain

Growing up as children we are constantly observing the world around us, absorbing it, and learning what lessons we need to learn to help us to prepare for the road ahead. So too with… Read Article →

The despair phase

Academic psychologists and neuroscientists frequently use the distinction between the “Protest” phase of romantic rejection and the “Despair” phase. During the protest phase, deserted lovers… Read Article →

The fundamental attribution error

The fundamental attribution error says that when we react to another person's behavior we tend to overestimate that person’s character and we underestimate the situation. An example might be… Read Article →

The protest phase

Academic psychologists and neuroscientists frequently use the distinction between the “Protest” phase of romantic rejection and the “Despair” phase. During the protest phase, deserted lovers… Read Article →

Why it hurts a lot

In Why it hurts we learned that, essentially, a breakup is supposed to hurt. The pain we feel is Nature’s way of telling us that there is something here we need to avoid to improve our odds… Read Article →

Hurt people hurt people

If I go through the emails I get from readers it is always painfully apparent how much hurting goes on. Infidelity, abuse, insensitivity -- you name it. Often times guys will describe their… Read Article →

Sometimes I'm able to forget you

Here's one of the poems I wrote when going through my breakup. It's translated from Dutch to English and doesn't rhyme,  but that shouldn't matter: Sometimes I'm able to forget you and then… Read Article →

The waves of emotions

When you're going through a breakup you're going to be hit by waves of emotions. Waves turn out to be the perfect metaphor for several reasons. Think of yourself as swimming in the ocean and… Read Article →

How to stop thinking you will get back together

From Chaz in Mexico: I am on a really good path to becoming a better man, we broke up two months ago after 7 years together. I am physically and mentally ok. The only problem is this hunch… Read Article →

My first love left me for someone else

From Brian in the US: I am trying so hard to stop communicating with my ex. Your articles are very helpful. I feel so "weak". I am 45 years old and my ex was my first love. I was married for… Read Article →

Your different personalities

Have you ever felt a certain way about something only later to completely lose that feeling and even to have a hard time remembering how you felt in the first place. Sometimes you're… Read Article →

No contact when you work together

Hey Jesse, I love your website and have started to really get into the reading. I am coming out of a 7 year relationship and it is truly horrible. I have a particular problem, we work… Read Article →

How a breakup builds character

The breakup that was the catalyst for this website was back in 2010. I went through a lot of different emotions and only once I had overcome most of them, did I start writing this blog… Read Article →

I'm going no contact, now what?

From a reader: Hey Jesse! My girlfriend and I had been dating on and off for about 3 and a half years, now that we are both about to go off to college things got stressful and we started… Read Article →

Use your anger

After my breakup, several years ago, I decided I wanted to get better at interacting with women. I had always been nervous and shy around women and it left me without any control over my… Read Article →

My girlfriend needs time and space but still loves me

From a reader: Hi, my girlfriends been left the house now for 6 weeks saying she wants time and space so that is what I have given her. It's been tough really tough. Anyway I found out the… Read Article →

How to stop dwelling in the past

From a reader: Hi Jesse, I have been reading your articles and they are very helpful. A few months ago my ex broke up with me a week after our one year anniversary. It was long distance and… Read Article →

How to deal with loneliness

From a reader: Hey jesse.. i'm just a regular guy ..20 years old..i am studying in college...the issue that I am facing since a long time is loneliness. Let me put it this way, I used to… Read Article →

I know she still loves me

From a reader: Hey, I just lost my girlfriend. I mean, she left me for another guy but I know that guy ain't good for her. He doesn't deserve her. I really love her and can do anything to… Read Article →

Why does the sadness come in waves?

One recurring pattern I've noticed in the breakup stories that guys share with me is that they are shocked at how (seemingly) fast their ex-girlfriend is able to move on. Perhaps she started… Read Article →

Dating again after a breakup: Advice for men

You've only truly recovered from a breakup when you are able to start dating again while you feeling good about who you are, what you stand for and you feel you're able to engage in a… Read Article →

How to control your emotions after a breakup: Advice for men

For many guys a breakup is their first encounter with intense, debilitating emotions. The emotions associated with rejection are visceral and profoundly painful. It's no surprise that these… Read Article →

Getting past your breakup (Susan J. Eliott)

In Getting Past Your Breakup Susan J. Eliott does an excellent job breaking down a lot of the key challenges faced by those going through a breakup. With a focus on embracing your emotions… Read Article →

Why no one understands you

Do you have the feeling no one understands you? Even though your friends or your family might say they do, or they might relate to you with a similar experience, but it doesn't feel quite… Read Article →

Book: The power of now

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, is a life-changing book. At least is has been for me. Tolle's philosophy is simple, but ever so profound. He states that most humans live trapped in an… Read Article →

The no contact rule after a breakup

When we break a bone we have our injury looked at. Typically the bone is set to ensure it heals correctly, the limb is put into a cast and you're told to give it plenty of rest. In other… Read Article →

Breakup advice for men: 7 steps to recovery

In this article I've tried to summarize a lot of the concepts I talk about on this blog into the most important breakup advice for men. Going through a relationship breakup is excruciating… Read Article →

Meditation for breakup recovery

During a breakup you have to deal with a host of intense and taxing emotions. As a result you're likely to experience considerable amounts of stress. Being in a state of stress negatively… Read Article →

How to get over your ex-girlfriend moving on (Advice for men)

Seeing your ex girlfriend move on before, you yourself, are ready to take that next step, is a painful experience. It hurts to see someone who was once your closest companion moving on to… Read Article →

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

If you came to this page, you're probably asking yourself: How long does it take to get over a breakup? It's a question, most men, at some point after their breakup, ask themselves when they… Read Article →


If you've just broken up, just gotten dumped or your ex left you for another guy, you're going through a lot of powerful emotions. Although there's a lot to be said about the different… Read Article →

A General Theory of Love (Thoms Lewis, M.D., Fari Amini, M.D.)

A General Theory of Love by Thomas Lewis, M.D., Fari Amini, M.D. and Richard Lannon, M.D. is the most eloquently phrased rebuke of the conventional psychoanalyst's take on love you can… Read Article →

How to break your addiction to a person (Howard M. Halpern)

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard M. Halpern is an interesting and educational take on love addiction from the perspective of an experienced and renowned psychotherapist… Read Article →

The Breakup Bible (Rachel Sussman)

The Breakup Bible by Rachel A. Sussman is a refreshing, effective and holistic guide to getting over a breakup. Although written specifically for women, a lot of the advice is just as… Read Article →

Why we love (Helen Fisher)

Why We Love by Helen Fisher is an amazing journey into the intricacies of the brain in love. Helen Fisher is a renowned anthropologist and a leader in the field of research of love, its… Read Article →

My girlfriend left me for another guy

My girlfriend left me for another guy and it was devastating. It's one thing to be on the receiving end of a breakup. You experience rejection by someone you love and hold dearly. It can be… Read Article →

How do I get over her?

How do you get over her? At times it can feel as if you'll never be able to fully recover from losing your loved one. Or perhaps you're able to accept it's over, but you don't see how you… Read Article →

Dealing with a breakup for men

A break up hurts... like hell. There is no better way of putting it. It's intensely painful. And dealing with a breakup involves getting through some of that pain to still be able to get… Read Article →

How to deal with anger after a breakup

You have to deal with a lot of different emotions, when going through a breakup, but anger is one the most difficult ones to deal with. You might be angry because of what your ex did to you… Read Article →

How to heal a broken heart

In the sections on dealing with a breakup I gave you tools to survive the day-to-day challenges of a breakup. Now it's time to give you some tools to concentrate on how to heal your broken… Read Article →

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