Why No One Understands You

No One Understands YouDo you have the feeling no one understands you? Even though your friends or your family might say they do, or they might relate to you with a similar experience, but it doesn’t feel quite comparable?

Strictly speaking, you’re right. Every relationship, and every breakup is fundamentally unique. You should not be disappointed, nor surprised, if no one understands you. No one is supposedĀ to understand you. At least not completely.

At the same time there is a lot you are going through, that others can relate to. In fact, it’s likely that you have people close to you that went through a very comparable situation. Not feeling understood and feeling alone in your pain is not unique to you, it is one of the symptoms of a breakup!

Not feeling understood and feeling alone in your pain is not unique to you, it is one of the symptoms of a breakup.

Start viewing “not being understood” as the symptom which it is. You haven’t been opening up yourself enough to your friends. You haven’t given them the chance to understand you. Don’t make the mistake in thinking they can’t.

About Jesse

I've been helping guys recover from their breakups since 2012. Work with me to fast-track your recovery.

  • Hi Jesse,

    I’m going through a phase right now where I feel like no one understands how I feel. So I met this girl 2 years ago and we hit it off. We hung out and had a good time with each other and then one day when I tell her that I would like to date her exclusively, she tells me that she likes someone else but wants to be friends with me. I should have ended it with her at that time but stupid and naive me, I continued being a part of her life and we even got physical which was a terrible mistake. Then one day she tells me that she can’t keep lying to her boyfriend and ended things with me. I maintained no contact for close to 8-9 months. Last month, she got in touch with me again and told me that she has broken up with her bf of 3 years and she is devastated. We started talking and I even went out of town to see her. Things were fine and she was really into me and now all of a sudden from last 5 days she has not spoken to me at all. Every time I message her she tells me he is very busy with work and trying to find a job that she gets very tired by the end of the day and has no energy to talk. I just don’t get it man. What does this girl want? The reason why I keep talking to her is because she’s the only girl I’ve ever cared about so deeply and I still love her but her behavior is very moody and it gets to me. If I try to talk to her about this, she gets annoyed and tells me that I’m way too demanding and she can’t fulfill my expectations. I just refuse to believe that someone can be so busy that they don’t have 5 minutes in a day to just talk. Am I being unreasonable and demanding? I just don’t know anymore and it feels like no matter how hard I try, I can never make her happy.

    Anyway..I feel so confused right now and it feels like no one understands what I’m going through. There is something her that makes me still want to talk to her. When we are together, we have so much fun that we forget how time passes by. Physically and emotionally we are so perfect together. By the way, she used to see a therapist for her depression and was on pills earlier which she has stopped taking now from last 2 months or so. Could that be the reason for her erratic behavior?

    Thanks for listening. Love your writing so keep at it.

    • Hey man,

      You’re right, you SHOULD refuse to believe that someone’s too busy to spare 5 minutes for you. The reality is that if she were really into you, she COULD and WOULD in fact spare at least those 5 minutes to talk with you. You need to start paying attention to what this girl is telling you with her actions, rather than what words she is using. Actions speak louder than words in this case.

      Judging from your story, her actions seem to communicate that she is not interested in you romantically. That alone should be enough of a reason to move on and forget about her. (I know it’s not that easy, but it’s the mindset you need to work towards). There is no shame in chasing someone you like, but if they don’t like you in return, you need to move on, end of story. If you feel you’re perfect for each other, but she can’t spare 5 minutes of her time to talk with you, then you’re projecting some picture of a perfect girlfriend on her, which she clearly is not. Your nr 1. criterium for a girlfriend should be a girlfriend that likes you as much as you like her.

      The only thing you should be demanding at this point is demanding from yourself that you only invest time in relationships that are reciprocal, this one clearly is not.

      Additionally it sounds like – even though you were going no-contact for 8 months – you were practically standing on her doorstep moments after she called. Neediness kills attraction. It sounds like you’re too attached to this one person, regardless if your feelings are reciprocated or not. That’s just not a challenge and not an attractive place to come from.

      Your feelings of her being “the one” or you being “perfect” together are not based in reality. There is no such thing as the one, and clearly your model of “perfect” is off by a lot, because she isn’t reciprocating what you feel. My advice to you would be cultivating a lifestyle where you are not dependent on one girl’s approval, not this girl, not any. You need to be okay being alone and you need to embrace a mindset where your life, your goals and passions take precedence. If she calls after 8 months of no contact you should have so much stuff going on in your life that you’re excited about and focused on, that it’s impossible to drop everything and visit her. You’ll find women all of a sudden have the time this girl is saying she doesn’t have.

      • Hi Jesse,

        Thanks for reverting. I just don’t know why I love this girl so much that I put up with so much emotional abuse. Maybe its because of the awesome sex that we have which is simply out of the world (lol). Anyway..you’re right..I need to have better control over my emotions. Its funny you say that it seems like she is not interested in me romantically since she told me this very clearly that we both would never work so we can’t go down that path. I just don’t understand why though and I’m tired of thinking about the reasons for it.

        This girl has the capacity to screw with my head to the point where I have started to become bitter towards other people in general. I have seen that I’m always angry and I snap at people for no reason. After a few minutes, I realize that I shouldn’t have shouted for no reason but at times its too late and I end up severely hurting the other person with my words. I think this is happening because I’m always wondering why this girl that I love so much is not treating me right and not contacting me. I get angry and frustrated because of this and its very unhealthy. The part that I can not deal with is how do I react when after not being in touch for 4-5 days, she just starts messaging me and calling me. I try to ignore as much as I can but I just don’t know how to. She is also writing content for my website so I can’t completely ignore her. This is what makes all this very confusing and difficult to deal with.

        I’m glad you’re reading this and replying with your view point. I really appreciate it man.