Use your anger

Use your angerAfter my breakup, several years ago, I decided I wanted to get better at interacting with women. I had always been nervous and shy around women and it left me without any control over my love life. Like most guys my success was largely dependent on random interactions through my social circles. Once in a while I would meet a girl, through a mutual friend, and sometimes it would turn into something, most often it would not. Like most guys, I had no control over my love life.

There are troves of information on the internet on how to approach and attract women, and I dug through a lot of them. I watched videos, I read ebooks, I even took live courses and practiced approaching women almost non-stop for a year.

This improved my confidence and shaped a skill set with which I was able to gain some control over my love life. When I go out I can approach women, interact with them, and if there’s a mutual click I can often leave with a number, or escalate things on the spot. Overall, I’m pretty happy with where I am right now.

Like any skill, and perhaps moreso than any other skill, you need to keep practicing to stay on top of your game. Right now, I haven’t been practicing a whole lot, and today it hit me in the face.

A few weeks ago I met a girl that I had approached at the train station. We hit it off, went on a couple of dates and became intimate. I liked her.

Neediness kills attraction. Your mindset needs to be this: you as an independent man, are on a course in life. If she wants to join, and you want her to join on that course, that’s great, if not, so be it. You stay your course.

When you’re in a committed relationship, you can consider diverting the course for her, but you can never let her direct it. You need to be aware of your boundaries and you need to step up when they’re being crossed.

What happens a lot is that guys start off on their own course and they meet a girl they like. They quickly change their course to accommodate her, and that’s precisely what ends up pushing her away.

Women want to hop on with a guy on a course that appeals to them, they don’t want to have to define a guy’s course. That’s not to say that women can’t have an independent course. They just want a guy’s course to be appealing and stable.

In general, I practice what I preach, I really do. But I slip up too sometimes. And this week I slipped up.

There was no exact moment to pin point where I screwed up, it’s more the vibe I was communicating when I look back at my actions. I liked the girl, but I gave in too soon. We went on a couple of dates, but she also cancelled twice. It didn’t bother me, even though it meant I lost an evening where I could have done something productive.

But the fact that it didn’t bother me, was the problem. The guy I intend to be is an independent, ambitious, driven person. If someone else in my life cancels on me, last minute, twice, I would be very stern with them. I would tell them that I’m not angry with them, but that I need to know that when we make an agreement, we both hold our end of the bargain. That’s what I would do with a stranger, with a friend, with family, but for some reason not with a girl I just met.

Why? Because I liked her.

More precisely, because right now I’m living in a new city (I like moving around), and she was the only girl in my life. This puts you in a scarcity mindset and makes you want to hold on to this one girl. But the reality is that there are thousands upon thousands of beautiful inspiring women in every major city. There is no reason to obsess over one girl. Let alone let her change your behavior in any meaningful way.

You need to escape the scarcity mindset.

What I find interesting about this whole ordeal is that if feels like a mini breakup. I had a mini relationship with this girl. We were intimate, she rejected me and I felt sad. It’s the same roller coaster I experienced years ago, but with 1ft drops instead of 100ft drops. But it has all the same turns and twists, all of which are too familiar.

Luckily I know what to do in these types of situations.

I embraced my sadness. I savored it. I explored it. I focused in on it, and went into sort of a depression power nap. Like a power nap, I let it consume me for a brief period and was able to shake it off after an hour or so. The only difference being that there is no sleeping involved. I expect to have to repeat this process, each power depression being less intense than the one that preceded it.

Now I feel anger. And man, am I going to use it.

There’s an expression that fear is a gift, because it’s an emotion that guides you to do sensible things as opposed to life threatening things.

I believe that extends to all emotions, all emotions are gifts and they are all meant to guide you. So you should listen and embrace.

Helen Fisher believes anger is there to help you extricate yourself from the relationship. Knowing that, that’s how I am using it.

As I savor the anger, I’m thinking “f*ck that bitch”. Why would she not even respond, that’s just fucking rude. I am an awesome guy. Any girl that passes on me is insane. I am now inside an anger power nap. Like my power depression, it will only last a short while.

I’m sure there’s more to come, as I said, I’m riding the roller coaster again, just with smaller drops and ascents. But by embracing every twist and throwing my full weight in every turn, the second and third times around won’t affect me at all.

 

About Jesse

I've been helping guys recover from their breakups since 2012. Work with me to fast-track your recovery.

  • angela

    “Women want to hop on a with a guy on a course that appeals to them, they don’t want to define their own.”
    Jesse, what about two adults who both have their own courses. Can a man and a woman who are both independent find happiness together instead of one following the other?

    • Yes, I think that’s definitely possible. What I meant to say was that women don’t want men to change course, and don’t want to chart a course for their man.

      • angela

        Agreed. It’s hard enough to chart one’s own course let alone set another’s. A man or woman with a clear sense of self is a treasure. Wish I had understood the importance of anger in these situations when I was younger instead of suppressing it in the name of “civility.” That, combined with the “no contact” rule would have saved me the grief of dealing with pseudo-friendships & relationships with both sexes.

  • ray

    Hi Jesse,
    I’ve been reading your super website for a few weeks now – and thought I’d join in and share my thoughts and experience.
    About 10 weeks ago my partner of 2.5 years texted me on a cold and wet Friday morning to inform me that “she now questions everything we have together” and that she “doesn’t want what I do anymore.”
    In effect: it was over. A few weeks before this she’d sent me a valentine’s card, a fluffy teddy bear and told me “this time next year, we’ll be married!”
    A lot had clearly changed in these weeks!
    I sensed something was up a good few days before: text messages became rather too short, they didn’t ‘say’ very much and she started making excuses as to why she could not meet me for our usual pre-arranged weekly dates.
    I sought the dreaded ‘closure & validation’ from her so I texted her after about 6 weeks. This made me feel much worse; she said that she “never loved me enough to be confident of a future for us.” This is in spite of the fact that for around a year we had planned to live together, buy a house etc, etc.
    My question is this: have you ever experienced this before? Or heard of this happening before: that a guy can be besotted with a girl, hear them tell them that they love him, and want to be with him etc. but to then ‘confess’ that (after all) it really meant nothing to them? I was so sure of her; she said all the right things at the right time only to end it so cruelly and without any hint of shame, guilt or remorse! How could someone write such nice things in a valentine’s card if they really didn’t mean it?!
    The heart break and upset I felt / feel is one thing but the sense of injustice and anger is something else! My sense of betrayal seems to only fuel me anger! I’m trying to let my anger go rather than let it get the better of me – but the thoughts of you and your readers would be welcome!
    Ray

    • Hey Ray,

      I actually hear this a lot and it sounds similar to what I went through.

      If your ex-girlfriend’s attachment pattern fits the description of anxiously attached, she could have been with you more so because she was afraid of being alone rather than genuinely wanting to be with you. I talk about this in my post “How your ex girlfriend moved on so fast”.

      It looks and feels like love, but it’s more of an unhealthy obsession or emotional hunger that she’s satisfying by keeping the relationship going.

      My ex-girlfriend also told me that our love had been ‘broken’ for quite some time, although she displayed every intention of staying with me during that same period.

      Ultimately I think it’s a symptom of anxious attachment and her innate opportunism (social exchange model, see above mentioned post).

      The important question, as always, is what does your choice for her say about you? And why did you not see how superficial the ‘love’ really was?

  • ray

    Hi Jesse,
    Thank you for the reply!
    You have asked two insightful questions that have made me think!
    1) The important question, as always, is what does your choice for her say about you?
    I’m not sure you can ‘choose’ who you fall in love with? I don’t know, what do you think about that? I guess I asked her out in the first place because she was pretty and appealed to me. Your second question made me really think!
    2) And why did you not see how superficial the ‘love’ really was?) – I think I did really ‘see’ how superficial it was! I remember reading on your superb blog that you shouldn’t just rely on a girl’s words – rather they should SHOW you that they love you! In this particular relationship I was so head over heels in love that I ignored all the obvious signs that her love was superficial (she rarely paid for any meals out, days out etc, never bought me spontaneous gifts etc – and I was the one always asking her to meet me rather than the other way around!). I did all the chasing, all the paying and I think (perhaps) she took advantage of that!
    In a way – I’m to blame I guess; I should have been stronger but as you have highlighted on the website: us guys often lose ourselves in a relationship and I think that’s what I did!
    Let me know what you think about the question as to whether we ‘choose’ who to fall in love with; I’d be grateful – as your insights are a revelation!
    Thanks,
    Ray

    • Hey Ray,

      Although there is a superficial, appearance based, aspect to attraction, the “click” you feel in a relationship is largely based on the model of affection you were taught by your parents. The manner in which your parents showed affection towards you and towards one another has unconsciously shaped your template for affection, as well as your ex-girlfriends.

      When two people enter into a relationship, it’s because these templates, somehow, fit together. If they are both unhealthy, dysfunctional templates, you can guess what the relationship will look like. Conversely, if these are healthy, supportive templates, the relationship will reflect this.

      In any case, your relationship reflects these underlying templates. Now that you know this, my question is, what does your relationship say about your underlying template? Was it a healthy, supportive relationship?

      Losing yourself in a relationship is a mistake a lot of us guys have to make. The point I hope to get across with this blog is that we need to become aware of it being a mistake, so we can correct it, and go on to engage in healthier relationships. It sounds like you’ve taken the first steps!

  • Hi Jesse,
    I just want to say that I’m amazed by your blog and this whole website. I’m proud to be your cousin and I hope to see you soon so we can chat about all this super-interesting stuff. (They also call it ‘VanZwetjesZwetsen).
    You’re actually writing the deep & wise stuff in a very recognizable, practical, simple way.
    Keep it up 🙂
    Anke

    • Thanks for stopping by Anke! 🙂

  • ANOTHER CHALLENGE

    Jesse, you’re so helpful in these critical times and I have to say you are providing an amazing resource for humanity. Please keep it up.

    I wonder if you can write a post on techniques to accelerate these horrible experiences? Rejection, grieving, anxiety, anger etc? Or would you say there are no keys to acceleration.. and that time is really the only answer? If so it seems kind of morbid and I am certainly not looking forward to the rest of 2014.

    I wrote a comment on another of your posts about my recent disaster. http://rapidbreakuprecovery.com/no-contact-rule-after-a-breakup/

    I relish the thought of coming back here in 1/3/6 months (hopefully closer to 1 but I’m probably too optimistic!) to write a success story on how I faced this head on (with some sound advice) and picked myself up from the floor. FYI today I started NC for 30 days.

    • Hey another_challenge,

      I am confident you will. If you’re taking steps to overcome this challenge in your life, you’ve taken the most difficult step. At some level you’re admitting that something needs to change, and that’s all the momentum you need to start moving in the right direction! See my answers to your other comments and posts!

      Good luck with NC, good for you my man!!

  • Paladinrja

    Yahhh word of caution there Jesse? That shit only works on little girls and women whom are essentially little girls. Even Queens sometimes resort back to princesses just to have a little fun, but a self possessed woman is a Queen and she won’t think much of that. Personally, emotionally immature women bore the shit outta me where it counts. Its really hard not to use my anger when I am in bed with such morons, for all the wrong ways.

    Real women feel a sense of calm not anxiety when you get comfortable. The very fact that you call that ‘needy’, is immature female programming thats settled in. I know plenty of my mates wives that state the only reason she was with him so long is because he got over the little boy act as she matured. She didn’t want to be continually stressed out that she had a loose cannon that could fuck her off at any minute after a certain point and if he had continued she would have found a way to do so.

    A lot of immature women secretly aspire to being that self possessed but truth is fellas, many never do gain that sense of surety and total composition. Any girl that looks at you and calls you ‘nice guy’, is purely on some revenge trip to pander to some asshole thinking she can change him any more than he can change her. This is of course really bad behavior, (what I call) mutually assured destructive behavior. On such women, I use the ‘needy’ shit to get them to go find that prick. They call it finding themselves, I call it good riddance you already bore me. She went off and became crack buddies with him, who knew?

    Funny thing about modern women. They know they get vulnerable, the world knows they get vulnerable but by some ungodly logic its more important for them to seem tough when a relationship is supposed to provide them with an outlet to exorcise those insecurities. But what if they feel they can’t to you, you say? Oh what!, but they can with total strangers!? puhleeze.. they can, always, they just don’t want to be told they are wrong if their partners feels that way (most of whom are just on autopilot), they just want to be entitled. My approach is to take what they say on their merits (if they open up at all) and I will entitle them if I don’t like what I hear. Real women don’t want rednecks.