How to control your emotions after a breakup

Controlling your emotions after a breakupFor many guys a breakup is their first encounter with intense, debilitating emotions. The emotions associated with rejection are visceral and profoundly painful. It’s no surprise that these emotions quickly start running the show.

Where we usually like to think of ourselves as rational creatures, now some previously unknown biological force from within has completely overtaken our mind, body and soul. Basic needs and pleasures such as eating and sleeping suddenly become obstacles, difficult to surmount.Continue Reading

The Role of Testosterone in Breakups

Whether you’re in a relationship or not makes a big difference for your physiology and bodily chemistry.  A host of neurochemical constellations are involved in a series of complex processes that drive sets of physiological responses and behaviors. In a relationship, one of these constellations you’re likely to experience is that of attachment to your beloved. These feelings of fusion with your lover are now widely attributed to the “paternal instinct” chemical of oxytocin and the “cuddle” chemical of vasopressin.
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Meditation for Breakup Recovery

During a breakup you have to deal with a host of intense and taxing emotions. As a result you’re likely to experience considerable amounts of stress. Being in a state of stress negatively influences your emotions and it has been shown that stress will negatively impact your immune system. You can alleviate the increased psychological burden of stress with good nutrition, working out and meditation. Which makes meditation a great tool for breakup recovery.

Now most guys I know don’t meditate, and many of them wouldn’t even contemplate it. In fact, I used to be one of those guys. The arguments that ended up convincing me, weren’t related to spirituality. They were related to health.
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How To Deal With Anger After A Breakup

You have to deal with a lot of different emotions, when going through a breakup, but anger is one the most difficult ones to deal with. You might be angry because of what your ex did to you. You might feel you didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were treated or you might be angry at her for not reciprocating your feelings. Then you might have feelings about your anger, you might feel anxious or guilty about being angry. The key is to recognize when anger can help you, and make your anger work for you, so it will become a healing tool for you during your breakup. Dealing with a breakup ultimately means dealing with your emotions.

If you haven’t read my guide for men on how to get over a breakup, make sure you do that first.

Why Do We Get Angry When We Are Dumped?

It turns out love and hate are intricately linked in the human brain. The basic brain network for rage is closely connected to centers in the prefrontal cortex that process reward-assessment and reward expectation. And when people and other animals begin to realize that an expected reward is in jeopardy, even unattainable, these centers in the prefrontal cortex signal and trigger rage.

The author of Why We Love, Helen Fisher, believes that anger serves the evolutionary purpose of extricating yourself from dead-end matches, lick your wounds and resume your quest for love in greener pastures.

I am not surprised that abandonment rage sometimes erupts into violence. Jilted men and women have wasted priceless reproductive time and energy on a partner who is deserting them.

They must start their courtship search again. Moreover, their reproductive future has been jeopardized – along with their social alliances, their personal happiness, and their reputation.

Their self-esteem is severely damaged. And time is dribbling by. Nature has given us a powerful purgative mechanism to help us release a rejecting mate and get on with living: rage.

In other words, anger is a natural dealing mechanism.

Unfortunately anger doesn’t necessarily cancel out love. It’s possible to be very angry, but still very much in love. All these feelings, luckily, lose intensity over time.

Getting In Touch With Your Anger

Getting in touch with your anger can have many benefits:

  • It will take your ex off the pedestal.
  • It can be a great motivator.
  • It can launch you out of a depression
  • It makes you feel less like a victim
  • It helps you move on emotionally
  • It helps you move past embarrassment
  • It helps you get over your ex and sever the tie with her
But there are also unhealthy ways of dealing with anger. Anger can be a deflector for other feelings that you are going to need come to terms with such as abandonment and grief. It’s easy to hide behind anger in order not to face our deeper emotions. Be cautious of these types of anger:
  1. Righteous Anger. “How could she do this to me?” It’s a way of protecting our bruised egos and dealing with humiliation and rejection. Please be careful to avoid this type of anger. Getting overly involved with your ego will keep you from accepting any accountability and stifle your ability to learn from your breakup.
  2. Revenge. We never want to act on revenge. Acting on revenge can ruin your life. It’s a negative type of energy you need to steer clear from.

Expressing Your Anger

Some ways to express anger
  • Accept your internal struggle with anger, even if it makes you feel anxious at times
  • Don’t be too angry at yourself. Take responsibility where needed, but do not carry the full burden of the failure of your relationship
  • If your relationship ended over infidelity, or your ex left you for another guy, keep your anger directed at your ex and not at the other person. Blaming the other person will keep you from focusing on what you need to focus on: figuring out why your relationship ended and healing yourself. Always take the high road.
  • Journal about your anger.
  • Work out. Working out is a great way to release tension and vent your anger. When I was processing my breakup I would be able to always do a couple of extra repetitions just by picturing my ex. The anger I would feel would pump me up and allow me to go that extra inch.

Over time letting go of your anger will definitely help you move on. But to do so you need to feel it, experience it and express it.

Venting your anger will allow you to let go of it, and that will help you move on. To do so, you have to feel it, experience it and express it.

Resources

 

Did this article help you deal with breakup anger? Let me know in the comments! I love hearing from readers!

Embarrassment

Feeling embarrassed after a breakupIf you’ve just broken up, just gotten dumped or your ex left you for another guy, you’re going through a lot of powerful emotions. Although there’s a lot to be said about the different emotions and how best to handle them, I want to focus on a particular emotion in this article: embarrassment.

A lot of guys feel embarrassed during a breakup. A breakup can give you the sense that you’ve been rejected or that people are somehow judging you for it. Both can lead to feelings of embarrassment. The worst part is that it adds up to your other feelings dragging you down. You were already feeling worthless and sad and now you’ve got this embarrassment to deal with. Dealing with a breakup can at times seem as an insurmountable task. It can become hard to get yourself out the front door when you’re feeling like this – let alone get over someone.
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How to Break Your Addiction to a Person

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard M. Halpern is an interesting and educational take on love addiction from the perspective of an experienced and renowned psychotherapist. Halpern says that our attachment needs are based on the infant within us that wants to unify itself with its mother.

If, our attachment needs as an infant, somehow, weren’t adequately met, we may suffer from Attachment Hunger at a later age. Attachment Hunger is a compulsive need to attach to someone and according to Halpern is the cause of love addiction. Halpern goes as far as to say:

The mother or father to whom you looked to make you feel good, secure, and strong exists in the person with whom you are now involved; therefore, if you can get that person to love you, everything will be okay.

Halpern goes on to say that when we experience withdrawal from this addiction, we go back to that infant mindset, and time itself seems to be distorted. Thus the pain seems to be endless. Halpern shares various techniques on recognizing, breaking and overcoming the addiction.

If you’re going through a bad breakup, you’re likely to have some form of love addiction. In particular, if your breakup involves an unattainable woman, this book offers some valuable advice. That being said, the Attachment Hunger philosophy – in light of other literature such as A General Theory of Love – seems incomplete. There is for instance no mention of the influence of the later stages of development on your capacity to form healthy relationships.

Check it out on Amazon here.

A General Theory of Love

A General Theory of Love

A General Theory of Love by Thomas Lewis, M.D., Fari Amini, M.D. and Richard Lannon, M.D. is the most eloquently phrased rebuke of the conventional psychoanalyst’s take on love you can imagine. Backing their arguments up with the latest in scientific research the authors ‘set things straight’ on the topic of love.

The authors start at the beginning, explaining the evolutionary development of our triunal brain and its impact on our behavior. This forms the basis going further as they explain love – but also human behavior in general – in a very clear ‘bigger picture’. The point is made that we base our model of love on our emotional memory, which is highly impressionable as we grow up.

But the most invaluable piece of this work is the chapter on changing this – seemingly inaccessible – emotional memory. A very in-depth and profound explanation is given to what psychotherapy really does for someone, how it heals, and how it can change your emotional memory. There is no better resource to have at hand when you explore your past.

Absolutely mind blowing.

Check it out on Amazon or check out Thomas Lewis’ personal website

Why We Love

Why We Love

Why We Love by Helen Fisher is an amazing journey into the intricacies of the brain in love. Helen Fisher is a renowned anthropologist and a leader in the field of research of love, its nature and its chemistry. With amazing candor and eloquence Fisher excavates the human brain whilst high on love and walks you through every step of her reasoning.

Based on patterns observed in the brain – constellations of neurotransmitter activity – Fisher deduces three distinct patterns in which humans feel attracted: love, lust and attachment. She equates these to non-exclusive reproductive strategies, through which evolution optimally wired us to have multiple strategies to procreate.

Another interesting observation by Fisher is that the love constellations in brains of those who got rejected by their beloved, fires up, rather than dies down. Fisher proves that people feel more in love when they face adversity.

Fisher devotes an entire chapter to the brain science of romantic rejection. With a scientific perspective she goes over the feelings involved in a breakup and their root in our evolutionary history. The psychiatrist’s model for romantic rejection, where a stage of protest and a stage of resignation/despair are identified, is also discussed at great length.

Needless to say, a profound exploration of the topic of love and a must read for anyone seriously interested in the subject.

Check it out on Amazon, or visit Helen Fisher’s site.

A great, in-depth review is available here.

The Breakup Bible

The Breakup Bible

The Breakup Bible by Rachel A. Sussman is a refreshing, effective and holistic guide to getting over a breakup. Although written specifically for women, a lot of the advice is just as valuable to men. Sussman draws from her experience as a licensed psychotherapist and lecturer specializing in relationship counseling.

Sussman’s approach is three-fold, focusing on healing, understanding and the transformation. She skillfully ties her experience as a licensed psychotherapist into this work by including detailed strategies for engaging your ex and understanding your personal Love Map.

Overall one of the best breakup guides I have read.

Check it out on Amazon or check out Rachel’s personal website.

How Do I Get Over Her?

Are you asking yourself “How do I get over her?” You’ve come to the right place. You are about to learn some of the most powerful insights and valuable techniques for getting over someone. It can take a long time to get over your ex and it can be a frustrating and tiring process. Know that it will be harder the more you are reminded of her, the more you stay in touch with her and the more you stalk her facebook page. If you haven’t already, go through my guide for men – How to Get Over a Break Up.
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