The protest phase

Academic psychologists and neuroscientists frequently use the distinction between the “Protest” phase of romantic rejection and the “Despair” phase. During the protest phase, deserted lovers obsessively try harder to win back their beloveds. As resignation sets in, they give up entirely and slip into despair.

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Why it hurts a lot

In the Why it hurts we learned that, essentially, a breakup is supposed to hurt. The pain we feel is Nature’s way of telling us that there is something here we need to avoid to improve our odds of survival. That being said, the pain can also be utterly debilitating. It can completely paralyze us, disrupt […]

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Why it hurts

An excerpt from my book: In order to alleviate some of the pain you’re feeling, it’s worth understanding why those emotions are there in first place. By understanding their purpose, it will become easier to deal with them. Our emotional circuitry evolved over the course of millions of years. Like any other biological system we […]

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Hurt people hurt people

If I go through the emails I get from readers it is always painfully apparent how much hurting goes on. Infidelity, abuse, insensitivity — you name it. Often times guys will describe their relationship to me and it just sounds like a terrible cycle of pain. During or after the relationship, we seem to always find […]

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Does she really love this new guy?

Getting dumped and having your ex-girlfriend leave you for another guy is the most painful thing I have ever experience and many of the guys that have commented on this blog would probably agree with me. One question that I’ve heard these guys ask, more often than once, is: “Does she really love this new […]

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The Waves of Emotions

When you’re going through a breakup you’re going to be hit by waves of emotions. Waves turn out to be the perfect metaphor for several reasons. Think of yourself as swimming in the ocean and as an emotion as an approaching wave. When you’re in the ocean and a wave approaches from out in the […]

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Sometimes I’m able to forget you

Here’s one of the poems I wrote when going through my breakup. It’s translated from Dutch to English and doesn’t rhyme,  but that shouldn’t matter: Sometimes I’m able to forget you and then I can go on with surviving, but why would I want to survive if it makes me forget you, maybe you don’t think […]

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How to stop thinking you’ll get back together

From Chaz in Mexico: I am on a really good path to becoming a better man, we broke up two months ago after 7 years together. I am physically and mentally ok. The only problem is this hunch and gut feeling that I will end up marrying her and making my life with her. How […]

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My first love left me for someone else

From Brian in the US: I am trying so hard to stop communicating with my ex. Your articles are very helpful. I feel so “weak”. I am 45 years old and my ex was my first love. I was married for 25 years right out of high school, so when I got divorced I have […]

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Your different personalities

Have you ever felt a certain way about something only later to completely lose that feeling and even to have a hard time remembering how you felt in the first place. Sometimes you’re motivated to do something and it seems to happen automatically. Other times it seems like a chore, like an uphill battle. What’s the […]

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