How To Move On From A Breakup

Moving On From A BreakupMoving on after a breakup is about closing a chapter in your life and opening a new one. It’s no small task. You need to be ready to leave the previous chapter behind you, and come to terms with how it ended.  One part of moving on is accepting that closed chapter as part of your history. The second part is embracing the unfolding story and taking responsibility for it.

Identity

Identity and awareness of your identity is a keystone to healthy levels of self confidence and self awareness.

Cultivating your identity means coming to define your personality.

By reflecting on yourself, your goals and where you want to go in life, you explore and hone your identity.

Action Steps
  • Grab a piece of paper and write down what defines you as a person. Next, write down what your top five goals are in life. If you don’t have any, now is the time to come up with them, think BIG! Come back to this exercise every month and keep track of your progress.

Reclaiming Your Masculinity

Reclaiming Your Masculinity After A BreakupConnecting With Other Men

The best thing you can do for yourself and your future relationships is to have male friends. You will get more of your emotional needs met and become less dependent, needy and resentful in relationships with a women.

Connecting with men involves doing guy things with guys. There is no one right way to do this, but it involves joining teams, going to sporting events and firing up the barbecue.

Through male relationships you are able to define yourself more clearly as a man. Not having a sexual agenda removes the fear and dysfunctional dances that are common in relationships.

Action Steps
  • List three men that you would like to get to know better. Next to each man’s name list a possible activity you could do together. Next to this, write down a date and make a commitment to contact him by that day!

Getting Strong

Developing physical strength will translate into self-confidence and power in every other aspect of your life.

Embracing one’s masculinity means embracing one’s body, power, and space. In order to do this you have to stop putting junk in to your body and train it to respond to the physical demands of being male.

This involves eating healthy foods eliminating drugs and alcohol, working out, drinking lots of water, playing, relaxing and getting enough rest.

Action Steps
  • Identify three ways in which you neglect your body. Write down three ways in which you can start taking better care of yourself.

Reclaiming Your Personal Power

Reclaiming Your Personal PowerSurrendering

Surrendering allows you to let go and respond to life’s complex beauty, rather than trying to control it. Surrendering allows you to see life as a laboratory for learning, growth and creativity.

Surrendering means letting go of what one can’t change and changing what one can. Accept that you can’t be in control all of the time.

Surrendering allows you to see life as a laboratory for learning, growth and creativity

By surrendering one can see each life experience as a gift from the universe to stimulate growth, healing and learning.

Action Steps
  • Think and write down one gift from the universe that you initially resisted but can now see as a positive stimulus for growth or discovery.

Dwelling in Reality

It’s easy to fall into the habit of controlling your world by creating a belief system about people and situations that are not based on reality. All guys do this to some extent, but it can take on unhealthy proportions when going through emotional distress.

Dwelling in reality means looking in the mirror and facing tough decisions.

It allows you to access the inner power you need to make significant changes in your life.

Action Steps
  • Pick one area in your life in which you routinely feel frustrated or out of control. Step back from the situation. Is the difficulty you are having with the situation the result of you trying to project the reality you want to believe onto it?

Facing Fears

Many guys, while in the process of getting over a break up, approach the world as if it is dangerous and overpowering. To cope with these realities, many guys hunker down and play it safe.

Facing your fears is the only route to self growth and is a hallmark of successful men around the world.

Every time you confront a fear, you unconsciously create a belief that you can handle whatever you were afraid of.

Every time you confront a fear, you unconsciously create a belief that you can handle whatever you were afraid of.

Action Steps
  • List one fear that has been controlling your life. Once you decide to confront the fear, begin repeating to yourself, “I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will handle it.” Keep repeating this mantra until you take action and stop feeling fear.

Developing Integrity

Integrity translates into increased self-confidence and self-worth. A lack of integrity means that you’re lying to yourself on a structural basis.

By conditioning yourself to question your decisions you can change your behavior to be in line with what you believe to be right.

Action Steps
  • Choose one area in which you have not acted out of integrity. Identify your fear that keeps you from telling the truth or doing the right thing. Reveal this situation to a safe person. Then go and tell the truth, or do what you have to do to make the situation right. Tell yourself you can handle it.

Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries keeps your from feeling like a helpless victim so you can reclaim your personal power. It is not unusual for guys getting over a break up to take a step backwards, believing the other person will stop pushing.

Setting boundaries means drawing a line when you want to draw the line and letting people know that those are your boundaries. By letting people know where your boundaries are, and sticking to them, you are taking responsibility for how you let people treat you.

Action Steps
  • For the next week observe yourself. Do you say “yes” when you would rather say “no”? Do you agree to do something to avoid conflict? Do you avoid doing something because someone might get upset at you? Write these observations down and share them with a safe person.

Dating Again After A Breakup

Dating Again After A Breakup(Check out my post specifically geared towards dating again after a breakup)

Many guys getting over a break up have a knee jerk reaction to get back “in there” when the heartbreak is still fresh. I believe it’s something that you shouldn’t force.

Aside from the fact that you won’t be very successful with women, if they sense your desperation and emotional instability, it won’t help you getting over a break up in the early stages.

I do, on the other hand, believe that the hallmark of full recovery of getting over a break up is the point at which you can voluntarily enter into a new healthy romantic relationship. Voluntarily however, implies that there is no underlying need for validation at play. That can only be achieved when you’ve become aware of all the underlying factors and have been able to process them in a healthy way.

The reason you’ve experienced a bad breakup is because you didn’t have the level of emotional awareness and strength of character you needed to handle it. Before you do acquire those skills, you’re at risk of repeating mistakes of the past.

That would mean I might see you back on my site when shit hits the fan again. My goal, however, is to set you up once and for all so you’ll never have to come back here again!

Summary

  • Fully disengage
  • Forget about staying friends for the time being
  • Validation and closure will have to come from YOU not your ex
  • Maintain a healthy body and healthy mind philosophy
  • Plan specific times to grieve
  • Postpone ‘spontaneous’ grief moments
  • Keep a journal and write down what you’re feeling
  • Acknowledge feelings, don’t judge them
  • Reflect on your relationship, your role in it, and possible emotional baggage you may carry with you
  • Create a support system of friends and family
  • Focus on understanding the causes of the breakup and assume accountability for your part
  • Think about what defines you as a person and strive to sharpen that definition
  • Make sure you always have goals and are working towards achieving them
  • Embrace your masculinity physically and emotionally
  • Accept that you can’t be in control all of the time
  • Face your fears
  • Question your decisions before you make them, and do what you believe is right
  • Set your boundaries where you feel you want to set them, and let people know
  • Become aware of your well-being, your development and your recovery.
  • Engage in dating when you feel ready, no sooner.

Resources

Let me know how it goes and if this guide has helped you move on, I love hearing from you guys!

(This is Part III – Moving On After a Break Up of my 3-part guide for men on how to get over a breakup.)
Go back to Part II – Healing a Broken Heart
Go back to Part I – Dealing With a Break Up

About Jesse

I've been helping guys recover from their breakups since 2012. Work with me to fast-track your recovery.

  • darren

    you put together a great website, thanks for the guide

  • nima82

    I broke up 3 months ago and I read a lot of stuff I discovered already, good summary

  • Mike

    It is remarkable how you present complex ideas with such simplicity.

    I can honestly say that these three parts contained less volume, yet greater depth than any other breakup advice column I read over the past 2 months.

    Thanks again Jesse, you really helped me through this.

    • Hey Mike,

      Thanks for the kind words, glad I could help out!

  • christian

    Good Stuff! Easy to read and filled with information. Thanks! 🙂

  • Valyo

    You my friend are very good with words. My girlfriend from 1 year did broke up with my a week ago and I have felt many things. I want to get her again, I wanna make her feel pain as she did to me, I cry sometimes and others I wanna go out and find another girl……It’s very difficoult and I can’t stand it sometimes. I’m glad that you wrote up those things and explained if very carefully and you are right at the most of them. But the first few days/weeks are very very difficoult and you guys shoyld just accept the feelings you have, whatever they are….And let’s hope the girls that broke up with us will never find someone like us and will regret what they did. Good recovery to all of you like me there and be strong.

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