How To Deal With Anger After A Breakup

You have to deal with a lot of different emotions, when going through a breakup, but anger is one the most difficult ones to deal with. You might be angry because of what your ex did to you. You might feel you didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were treated or you might be angry at her for not reciprocating your feelings. Then you might have feelings about your anger, you might feel anxious or guilty about being angry. The key is to recognize when anger can help you, and make your anger work for you, so it will become a healing tool for you during your breakup. Dealing with a breakup ultimately means dealing with your emotions.

If you haven’t read my guide for men on how to get over a breakup, make sure you do that first.

Why Do We Get Angry When We Are Dumped?

It turns out love and hate are intricately linked in the human brain. The basic brain network for rage is closely connected to centers in the prefrontal cortex that process reward-assessment and reward expectation. And when people and other animals begin to realize that an expected reward is in jeopardy, even unattainable, these centers in the prefrontal cortex signal and trigger rage.

The author of Why We Love, Helen Fisher, believes that anger serves the evolutionary purpose of extricating yourself from dead-end matches, lick your wounds and resume your quest for love in greener pastures.

I am not surprised that abandonment rage sometimes erupts into violence. Jilted men and women have wasted priceless reproductive time and energy on a partner who is deserting them.

They must start their courtship search again. Moreover, their reproductive future has been jeopardized – along with their social alliances, their personal happiness, and their reputation.

Their self-esteem is severely damaged. And time is dribbling by. Nature has given us a powerful purgative mechanism to help us release a rejecting mate and get on with living: rage.

In other words, anger is a natural dealing mechanism.

Unfortunately anger doesn’t necessarily cancel out love. It’s possible to be very angry, but still very much in love. All these feelings, luckily, lose intensity over time.

Getting In Touch With Your Anger

Getting in touch with your anger can have many benefits:

  • It will take your ex off the pedestal.
  • It can be a great motivator.
  • It can launch you out of a depression
  • It makes you feel less like a victim
  • It helps you move on emotionally
  • It helps you move past embarrassment
  • It helps you get over your ex and sever the tie with her
But there are also unhealthy ways of dealing with anger. Anger can be a deflector for other feelings that you are going to need come to terms with such as abandonment and grief. It’s easy to hide behind anger in order not to face our deeper emotions. Be cautious of these types of anger:
  1. Righteous Anger. “How could she do this to me?” It’s a way of protecting our bruised egos and dealing with humiliation and rejection. Please be careful to avoid this type of anger. Getting overly involved with your ego will keep you from accepting any accountability and stifle your ability to learn from your breakup.
  2. Revenge. We never want to act on revenge. Acting on revenge can ruin your life. It’s a negative type of energy you need to steer clear from.

Expressing Your Anger

Some ways to express anger
  • Accept your internal struggle with anger, even if it makes you feel anxious at times
  • Don’t be too angry at yourself. Take responsibility where needed, but do not carry the full burden of the failure of your relationship
  • If your relationship ended over infidelity, or your ex left you for another guy, keep your anger directed at your ex and not at the other person. Blaming the other person will keep you from focusing on what you need to focus on: figuring out why your relationship ended and healing yourself. Always take the high road.
  • Journal about your anger.
  • Work out. Working out is a great way to release tension and vent your anger. When I was processing my breakup I would be able to always do a couple of extra repetitions just by picturing my ex. The anger I would feel would pump me up and allow me to go that extra inch.

Over time letting go of your anger will definitely help you move on. But to do so you need to feel it, experience it and express it.

Venting your anger will allow you to let go of it, and that will help you move on. To do so, you have to feel it, experience it and express it.

Resources

 

Did this article help you deal with breakup anger? Let me know in the comments! I love hearing from readers!

About Jesse

I’ve been helping guys recover from their breakups since 2012. Work with me to fast-track your recovery.

Comments

  1. I did really benefit a lot from this post. Thanks a lot.

  2. How do I deal with the anger I feel toward my ex? I broke it off with him, and he set about ruining my reputation, stealing from me, defecating in my bed, etc. I had hoped there could be some kindness, but the vitriol aimed at me is both embarassing and hurtful. I’m a fixer, so having someone so angry is hard on me, and every time I turn around I find more items missing. How do I let all of that go?

  3. Jesse
    stumbled across your website this evening whilst going round and round in a maelstrom of confusion over my breakup which has basically taken the last 4 weeks to finalise. Wont go in to detail here but my head is a mess and although things are still very raw your site has helped me try to regain some degree of mental equilibrium. I know there is no quick fix, no miracle cure but I also know that the relationship was dead in the water but it still hurts like unanaesthetised surgery right in the middle of the chest. The places my dreams take me, the places my wandering mind takes me are nowhere I want to go, and after 6 years with her I’ve a lot to get over, a lot to forget and to forgive. I’d like to inbox you at some point to discuss next steps if possible.
    thanks, DT

    • Hey Dant,

      Thanks for sharing and thank you for the kind words. It’s easy to get down on yourself at this stage, but you DO have something to commend yourself on. It sounds like you’ve come to terms with the fact that the relationship is dead and that the dissolution process has been (somewhat) finalized.

      That means you’ve taken the plunge my man. This is the START of your recovery. It’s the bottom of the mountain, and it feels like a daunting task ahead of you. What’s more, rolling back down would be so much easier.

      Coming to terms with your relationship definitively being over, and finalizing the dissolution of the relationship. Those can be the hardest steps to take. And you’ve taken them. So hang in there!

  4. clairut says:

    Thnks….help me deals with my anger….realise my mistake….i called my ex….shout at her….insult her…humiliate her on facebook…and what not….im quite calm….hope for a fast recovery….

  5. AssurnErrotte says:

    Hi nice site

  6. Bill Eman says:

    I am really surprised to read this post article. Actually I am so benefited getting this article. Dude a big thank for sharing this post article. Keep it up…

  7. Again, good post!

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