My first love left me for someone else

From Brian in the US:

I am trying so hard to stop communicating with my ex. Your articles are very helpful. I feel so “weak”. I am 45 years old and my ex was my first love. I was married for 25 years right out of high school, so when I got divorced I have never been with anyone else. My curent ex was my 2nd date, first true love, and I am suffering. The break up occured 4 months ago, when she went back to her ex, but she has never missed a day contacting me still saying I’m her best friend, she loves me, and meets for sex on occassion although her partner does not know about it. She has a lot of pride so she cant admit that she made a mistake going back to him. She calls me as soon as she gets in the car to drive to work, text me all day long, calls on her way home from work, and moves to emails when she gets home telling me good night before she gets into bed with HIM, and starts the process over. I am tortured and its my own fault. I love her more than anything. It’s killing me and hurting all area’s of my life. I guess I didnt have a questions as much as I need someone to help me. I’m truly suffering.

Hey Brian, thanks for sharing your story. There are certain factors that make a breakup extra painful:

  • The longer the relationship, generally the more painful the breakup
  • If it was your first love
  • If she leaves you for someone else
  • Not sticking to no contact
  • Your ex-girlfriend giving you a false sense of hope

You mention each and every one of these factors in your story. I’m not surprised you say you are truly suffering.

The length of your relationship, the fact it was your first one and her choices thereafter, are beyond your control. They are the starting conditions we need to accept. The other two, however: no contact and her giving you hope, are two things we can have some control over.

Your pain is understandable, but your behavior is exacerbating the situation. You need to stop listening to what she is telling you with her words and start listening to what she is telling you with her actions.

Regardless what she tells you, she’s with another man. She would have to be devoid of any emotion not to still feel some level of affection to you. But unwittingly, she’s hurting you by still showing that affection, because she’s giving you hope. She’s giving you a reason to hold on. Her action tells you that although she still cares about you, she wants to be with another man now.

Not sticking to no contact is fuelling your pain. Every interaction with her is firing up all the memories and emotions in your brain, keeping them fresh and in the foreground. Every word she says you’re over analyzing and finding reasons to be hopeful. The pain we cannot change – the suffering we can.

You need to get to your tipping point. Where you decide that no one person is worth this much pain. Where you assume that you will never get back together again. What she’s doing right now is not fair to you. If she wants to be with another man, she needs to own that decision and take responsibility for the consequences. Right now she’s being unfair to you and you need to protect yourself from that.

Regardless if there is hope for you guys in the future or not, your working assumption must be that there isn’t. Because any alternative involves being in touch with her and thinking about her. Both will exacerbate the pain you’re feeling and will continue to fuel your suffering.

You need to tell her you’re initiating no contact and that you’d like her to respect that decision. You need to be strict in this – and it’s going to be very hard. You need to start reaching out to your support network and make sure you have friends and family on standby. And lastly, you need to start exercising if you aren’t already.

All this can only happen if you reach your tipping point. If you catch yourself talking to her again. Looking for signs to be hopeful again. Realize, that only if YOU DECIDE that at some point the pain is not worth it anymore. Only when you decide to assume it will never work out again can you start on your path to recovery.

Best of luck my man, we all feel for you!

About Jesse

I've been helping guys recover from their breakups since 2012. Work with me to fast-track your recovery.

Comments

  1. Akshay Ghumare says:

    Hi myself Akshay..I loved a girl name Ashvini for more than 4 years we were in relationship..She is 3 years older than me..since last year she left me and her parents have warned me and my family if I tried to contact her or meet her..she had an abortion when we were in relationship but told me when she aborted the child..her sister had ran away from hope to marry a guy against her family wish..now her sister had separated from that person and even all this complicated sequences and also her family pressure she told me to move..I mean how can I just easily move on..she has blocked my number…n told me to that I shall get some better girl than her…I mean is this so easy..She is my first and true love for worth I can die..what is like move on and shit ..I psychologically and emotionally disturbed…There has not been a single day passed that I have not remembered her..I wish before all this I have seen I would have died..if you really want to move on then why the hell you come in relationship with a person to make them cry for rest of their lives..you promise someone that you will never leave their hand at whatever consequences happen you will be there for them and trust them more than your own body and soul but they just utter you two shit words i.e move on and throw you away like a garbage piece..what is worth for living if you won’t get a person to live with you most love in this world..???

  2. Hi my story might be enjoyable and i need help understanding hopefully you can answer my question. I met my first love at the end of 2003 begining of 2004 around sept sometime its 2015 sept and im 27 yrs old Ive gotten over my first love but that love will never go away of how i felt about her and how much i loved her i could remember it i moved from Arizona to Grand Prairie Texas and im so introverted that my step father said i needed to get out the house and im like dude you dont know me like i have a past life out there in the streets id rather stay inside so he insisted that i get out and make friends i used to go out play basketball and ride my bike and there were some kids down the block that i currently just started to go to school with. now she noticed me but i didnt notice her. she told her nephews that were around the same age is her to come down and ask me if i wanted to play football see she plotted something i didnt know she was doing so they came down and i asked if they were playing tag foot ball or tacle of course the said tacle and were playing in the streets so i agreed and said knowing i didnt want to in the back of my mind i was say if one of these fools hit me its on and poppin so i guess she hopped on her bike and road down the street to go talk to one of our friends that we also went to school with not knowing she had a lil tom boy in her but over hearing her nephew say something like my aunt is sprung off of you and im like what lol, whos your aunt now mind you im from the city the northwest to be exact these are subburban kids now her other nephew told his bro he was stupid cause he wasnt suppose to tell me. and the whole time im lost well im like wait wait whos your aunt thinking shes like way older because ive always interested in older women lol not knowing it was her who hopped on the bike lol and they told me it was her so they was like well were going to go inside right quick to get something to drink and a sandwhich that turned into 15 mins lol when its over 100* outsides lol so she rolled up on her bike or what ever and seen me waiting outside and asked me where her nephews were at and im like wait wait those are your nephews i well they went inside shes like laughing and flirting at the sametime and im like what shes like your so proper lol and she goes inside and her nephew comes out and says did she talk to you and im who who are you talking about so he goes back inside and as im about to go back home i start to walk and thats when she comes out and says hey isnt your name such and such and im like yeah shes like my name is such and such now before you get started i know your thinking oh this is just lil puppy love but trust me its not so anyway we get to talking and shes like asking me question avoiding asking me what she really wants to ask me to see if i like her so she says i know someone that likes you and with a grin on my face im like who i dont know anyone here so who are you talking about. shes like someone that goes to our school im like theres so many plus i just started going to this school who you talking about your gonna have to come better then that and stop beating around the bush and shes like your straight forward and speak your mind im like yeah so then shes like well she rides our bus im like well who just tell me quit trippin and just tell me so then she gets me to find out its her but she starts playing hard to get to see if i really like her but really with me being a capricorn and her being a scorpio pulling and drawing me in closer and closer we talked for so long i lost track of time and she was like well heres my number just call me later tonight i go in and my step dad is like i been watching you the whole time and hes like i see you done got some girls number smiling and happy but to skip alot due to my laptop typing this my best friend told me at school said hey isnt your girl such and such and im like yeah why well she hugged up with some dude in the other hall way woop de woop de woop and im like no i trust her and if she didnt want to be with me we discussed this she would just tell me and we both wouldnt hurt each other so he was like i guess im just gonna have to show you so you can see with your own eyes and i so he showed me i seen i didnt believe it so later on in our relationship being with each other everyday sexually and mentally even talked about marriage the whole nine because we came to the conclusion that we both wanted to be with each other our who lives but somewhere or another she called me and told me in person that she wanted to take a break in our relationship and she didnt know for how long but she knew what for so to see if im the one she wanted to be with for the rest of her life lol you know when woman tell men that they think that there breaking up with them but i knew thats what she really wanted so not knowing that night her and her family went to a party some kids was throwing from the school i didnt know about we were all jock except i didnt hang out with the jocks if that makes since but anyway come to find out later her brother that went to the school came up and told me and said my sister dont want to be with you anymore but later i hear her nephew tell me the truth about what happen he wanted to take me away from her and have her for hisself because he didnt believe in interracial relationships plus he threatened her that night at the party plus they were drinking and in high school they were some heavy drinkers real heavy drinkers so he threatend her to leave me to be with him and im like know way and hes like i cant believe she didnt tell you as much as you both were in love i went to her older brother and asked him if it was true and he said yes he called her and told her that she need to tell me the truth and stop leading me on and be honest so she told me we left on good terms but told me that one day we will together again and im like ok well are you sure but the same guy she cheated on me with is the same guy shes married to has two kids by but she keeps telling her family that she wish she would have stayed with me and shes hurting because of the pass and she rather be with me but shes married know this is years later she admits this her brothers daughter says everytime she sees her look at me its like she says shes never seen look at any guy like that before in her life but we have spoken in person a few years back and i can see the hurt and regret in her eyes and all i can do is turn away her family tells me when they get to really bad fights that i should do something about it and im like well she should have thought about that before she got married with that dude he doesnt even like me plus i wouldnt come between there marriage anyway not with me being a man of God no so they tell me shes cheated on him more then 3 times and im like once a cheater always a cheater but will help you get support only when she wants it. it took me a long time to try to get over her but in the back of my mind thinking that will be together again in the future but knowing what that bible says about being married me never being married i dont think she can re marry but so i know for sure there going through a devorce after 13 years but i over the years ive had dreams that im not meaning to have or even control about her and dont understand why i have dreams about my first love know ive purposely lost contact just because i try not to be involved with whats going on but every so often i want to experience what love is all over again i want to love again and fall in love but it will never be the same as my first love no matter if i can count on both hands how many women i been with and ive given my all and have cheated on me so its hard for me to trust anyone all though i know how to change that thats not the issue i just want to know why i keep having dreams about her that i dont purposely dream ive had 3 dreams in one week about her this week one to mention last night and im trying to get clarity and understanding which im pretty sure your going to tell me something ive already heard nd not wanting to hear but i hope you can tell me what i wanna hear. thank you for taking interest in reading my post.

  3. My story might be one of a kind. So basically, a girl I work with
    ended up falling in love with me. I fell in love with her and we
    maintained a outside relationship on the sneak. I know this is totally
    wrong, but our connection was so on point. She literally was like my
    other half. Same age, no kids. She works full-time and goes to school
    for nursing. It gradually got to where we loved each other and it seemed
    like she was going to leave her man after she finished her nursing
    school.

    This was going on for a year and a half. She talked about kids,
    growing old, etc. She called me her soulmate. It seemed like she was
    only with this other man as an anchor for financial support. Everything
    was almost perfect, and I was hoping she would leave him this April when
    she finishes her school. We talked every single day all the time,
    morning to night.

    But now, outta nowhere, she just stopped talking to me. She told me
    that she decided she fell in love with me at the time but wanted to work
    things out with her man. As far as i know, her bf broke up with her for
    the moment but they are trying things according to her. and i know
    there
    is another guy who is just a friend she swears to god. But this dude is
    coming to see her at work and shes always on her phone..like when we
    were talking i would chill with her on her breaks and come up to see her
    when im off….and she would always be texting me when we dont see each
    other.basically has a bf but had me and threw me to the side and has
    another guy…i work with her and he comes up here which makes me sick
    to my stomach….. I know we
    were both in the wrong but it felt and still feels like we’re supposed
    to be with each other. I’m emotionally invested; she’s only the second
    girl I’ve ever told that I love. I just don’t know what to do. We both
    agreed we were perfect for each other and soul-mates.

    She
    says she never wants to lose me as a friend and wants to go back to how
    we were before we got intimate. But now she doesnt want anything to do
    with me…how can you go from talking all the time to
    nothing…basically replaced with another guy…..i dont know what to do
    or how to keep it cool at work.

    How do I handle our work situation? I see her everyday. I’m trying to
    get over her but seeing her always… and every new girl i meet…i always
    compare or look for similiarities as her

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