Does she really love this new guy?

Getting dumped and having your ex-girlfriend leave you for another guy is the most painful thing I have ever experience and many of the guys that have commented on this blog would probably agree with me.

One question that I’ve heard these guys ask, more often than once, is: “Does she really love this new guy?”

My answer is, perhaps, slightly surprising.

First, let’s observe the premise. After all, is this even a valid or useful question to be asking?

First of all, are you ever going to get a clear, definitive, fact-based answer to this question? Let me answer that for you: probably not. Is there, then, some type of non-fact based, non-definitive answer that you’re going to be satisfied with? Again: no, most likely not.

Second of all, we need to look at what lies at the epicenter of the question. Is it you, and your feelings? Or is it her, and her feelings? In this case it’s the latter. But we know that it’s important, during and after a breakup, to keep the focus on ourselves. It is what we know, it is what we can control. Worrying about things that are beyond out control, drive us mad.

Question every question.

Is this question on the path towards self-reflection, self-exploration and ultimately growth? Or is on the path of continued victimhood, reverence of your ex-girlfriend and the perpetuation of the pain cycle you find yourself in.

Instead, experiment with a different mindset.

Treat the question not as a question to be answered. Instead, treat the question as a feeling.

Instead of looking for the answer to whether or not she loves this guy, embrace whatever sentiment it is that you feel that led to the question in the first place.

Observe and acknowledge in yourself that right now you feel like you want to know whether or not she loves the guy. Perhaps you feel scared that you may lose her forever if she really does. Or perhaps you feel that it’s true and that knowing would give you closure.

Your question can be a feeling disguised as a question.

Embrace it as a feeling and you may find yourself no longer in need of an answer.

About Jesse

I've been helping guys recover from their breakups since 2012. Work with me to fast-track your recovery.

Comments

  1. Why do women, start dating so fast. They end up a relationship and start dating?
    MY girlfriend ended our relationship and was ready to date very soon after that, she was kind of relieved she could date freely again.
    Why don’t they just take time to be with them selves, to travel the world, to read, time for their family.?
    Is it importante for them to be out there on the dating scene available, receiving compliments, feeling attractive or… what? Why not give themselves some time to heal, if their last relationship wasn’t as good as they expected?
    They use it as an excuse but most of the time is just that, “I need time to think, I need time for my self” one week later or less they are out there with some other guy.

  2. Hi Jesse
    I have been in a relationship for almost 10 years with a woman I adore. We also have an 8 year old daughter together.
    For the last year we have had major relationship issues and for the last few months we have been living together but not as a couple while we worked on ourselves in the hope that we could get back together.
    After yet another fight two weeks ago she told me that she couldn’t see a way to be with me and that she was going to start dating.
    She has met a guy who she really likes and who is providing the sort of care I wish I had been able to provide but had been unable to because of our history and our inability to get past the relationship issues.
    Due to our financial situation I am meant to be living with her in our rented family home until the end of 2017 while she is studying but this means I am constantly confronted by seeing her smile when she reads his text messages and I become the babysitter when she goes out to meet him.
    She keeps telling me that she still cares for me and that if things didn’t work out with the new guy that it would be so easy to fall back in to a relationship with me but I feel in my heart that there is no chance because there have been so many issues between us in recent times and the new guy doesn’t have that baggage.
    I don’t blame her for doing what she is doing. I’m not angry, just overwhelmingly sad. I don’t want to see anyone else. I still want her back but know that it won’t ever happen.

  3. MikeAlpha says:

    My ex-girlfriend found another guy who is from the same country (India) as me in 3 days …. it hurts more knowing that she learned all about my culture and now is using that to be better with him… but I feel 3 days is too quick and in your article “How Your Ex-Girlfriend Moved On So Fast” it makes sense she just needs someone to fill the void and gap in her life she doesn’t care who it is… and I have realized it wasn’t love at all with her… she just needed someone… I wish I saw the red flags earlier.. she would text/flirt with other guys when I was with her.. she always was trying to find someone but still keep me as an alternative… but I am glad the toxic part is out of my life however still feelings come back about it.. I still miss her and my soft side comes in but I need to just forget her….

    Also I hate how her friend tries to keep commenting on her social media saying “Oh look how good this new guy is etc.” just to make me feel bad.. deep inside it’s a plan between my ex and her friend to just make me feel bad.. I have to stop stalking them on social media….

    I know their relationship won’t work and is probably a rebound and she will use this guy until she finds someone else better than him , they are incompatible and her parents would never agree or approve it either. She has had 7 boyfriends before me and just keeps changing guys as she likes

    I feel sorry for the time and money I wasted , but happy this toxic person is out of my life. I need to recover and get back to normal life.

  4. Hi.

    I just discovered this website. Unfortunately.

    I am dealing with a brutal breakup after 9 years of relationship – me and my…ex girlfriend even moved country together in order to find new jobs and settle down for a new life.

    We did settle down – we did find jobs. In the same company.

    After a few months, she decides to break up with me – stating that she wants to be alone.
    After two days, she starts a relationship with a colleague of ours.

    I see them everyday at work. And I still live together with her.

    Why am I commenting here? Because how is it possible that she behaves like that after 9 years of relationship? After having sworn to each other to overcome any obstacle? How is is possible that things can end like this, with little or no respect towards my feelings? Not even giving me time to digest things slowly, but bashing my hear over and over against the wall only to apologize afterwards?

    I see them together in my mind every instant. And it is killing me. How can she feel so much affection for him, enough to throw me into this despair and suffering?

    These are…just a few lines, but I cannot imagine an outcome worse than this. I am under meds and I am seeing a counsellor, but this is hurting like hell and I see no way out. I have fits of rage, sadness, despair, completely at random during the day – even at work. It’s been weeks now. She still says she cares for me and she spends evening with me cuddled up watching movies.

    I am very bad at the “No contact” thing. I am really failing badly at that.

    I have read most of the articles on this blog today, and I admit that there is sound advice to be found. Unfortunately, following all your advice requires a stable and rational state of mind – which is the exact opposite of where I am currently.

    Regardless, thanks for writing all of these articles. I am sure they will help. Somehow.

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