Dealing With the Immediate Aftermath

Use your anger

Use your angerAfter my breakup, several years ago, I decided I wanted to get better at interacting with women. I had always been nervous and shy around women and it left me without any control over my love life. Like most guys my success was largely dependent on random interactions through my social circles. Once in a while I would meet a girl, through a mutual friend, and sometimes it would turn into something, most often it would not. Like most guys, I had no control over my love life.

There are troves of information on the internet on how to approach and attract women, and I dug through a lot of them. I watched videos, I read ebooks, I even took live courses and practiced approaching women almost non-stop for a year.

This improved my confidence and shaped a skill set with which I was able to gain some control over my love life. When I go out I can approach women, interact with them, and if there’s a mutual click I can often leave with a number, or escalate things on the spot. Overall, I’m pretty happy with where I am right now.

Like any skill, and perhaps moreso than any other skill, you need to keep practicing to stay on top of your game. Right now, I haven’t been practicing a whole lot, and today it hit me in the face.

A few weeks ago I met a girl that I had approached at the train station. We hit it off, went on a couple of dates and became intimate. I liked her.

Neediness kills attraction. Your mindset needs to be this: you as an independent man, are on a course in life. If she wants to join, and you want her to join on that course, that’s great, if not, so be it. You stay your course.

When you’re in a committed relationship, you can consider diverting the course for her, but you can never let her direct it. You need to be aware of your boundaries and you need to step up when they’re being crossed.

What happens a lot is that guys start off on their own course and they meet a girl they like. They quickly change their course to accommodate her, and that’s precisely what ends up pushing her away.

Women want to hop on with a guy on a course that appeals to them, they don’t want to have to define a guy’s course. That’s not to say that women can’t have an independent course. They just want a guy’s course to be appealing and stable.

In general, I practice what I preach, I really do. But I slip up too sometimes. And this week I slipped up.

There was no exact moment to pin point where I screwed up, it’s more the vibe I was communicating when I look back at my actions. I liked the girl, but I gave in too soon. We went on a couple of dates, but she also cancelled twice. It didn’t bother me, even though it meant I lost an evening where I could have done something productive.

But the fact that it didn’t bother me, was the problem. The guy I intend to be is an independent, ambitious, driven person. If someone else in my life cancels on me, last minute, twice, I would be very stern with them. I would tell them that I’m not angry with them, but that I need to know that when we make an agreement, we both hold our end of the bargain. That’s what I would do with a stranger, with a friend, with family, but for some reason not with a girl I just met.

Why? Because I liked her.

More precisely, because right now I’m living in a new city (I like moving around), and she was the only girl in my life. This puts you in a scarcity mindset and makes you want to hold on to this one girl. But the reality is that there are thousands upon thousands of beautiful inspiring women in every major city. There is no reason to obsess over one girl. Let alone let her change your behavior in any meaningful way.

You need to escape the scarcity mindset.

What I find interesting about this whole ordeal is that if feels like a mini breakup. I had a mini relationship with this girl. We were intimate, she rejected me and I felt sad. It’s the same roller coaster I experienced years ago, but with 1ft drops instead of 100ft drops. But it has all the same turns and twists, all of which are too familiar.

Luckily I know what to do in these types of situations.

I embraced my sadness. I savored it. I explored it. I focused in on it, and went into sort of a depression power nap. Like a power nap, I let it consume me for a brief period and was able to shake it off after an hour or so. The only difference being that there is no sleeping involved. I expect to have to repeat this process, each power depression being less intense than the one that preceded it.

Now I feel anger. And man, am I going to use it.

There’s an expression that fear is a gift, because it’s an emotion that guides you to do sensible things as opposed to life threatening things.

I believe that extends to all emotions, all emotions are gifts and they are all meant to guide you. So you should listen and embrace.

Helen Fisher believes anger is there to help you extricate yourself from the relationship. Knowing that, that’s how I am using it.

As I savor the anger, I’m thinking “f*ck that bitch”. Why would she not even respond, that’s just fucking rude. I am an awesome guy. Any girl that passes on me is insane. I am now inside an anger power nap. Like my power depression, it will only last a short while.

I’m sure there’s more to come, as I said, I’m riding the roller coaster again, just with smaller drops and ascents. But by embracing every twist and throwing my full weight in every turn, the second and third times around won’t affect me at all.

 

How To Deal With Loneliness

How to deal with loneliness
From a reader:

Hey jesse.. i’m just a regular guy ..20 years old..i am studying in college…the issue that I am facing since a long time is loneliness. Let me put it this way, I used to have quite a happy life 2 years back. Everything was just perfect. I scored good in studies,had a good friend circle,i had a girlfriend whom I loved with all my heart, I used to have a happy life. But then suddenly, my life shattered all the way 2 years back when my girlfriend dumped me..i guess for another dude. Guys i’m telling ya honestly I loved her truly more than u guys could ever imagine..like literally. and everything just shattered. obviously I tried to get her back, but it was all in vain. since then my whole life changed. I changed..from happy to sad,from joyful to full of sorrow..i used to cry a lot..for hours sometimes !! asking god what I did wrong ever ?..i helped everyone, I respected my ex,cared for her,valued her the most..but I never got an answer from god..how could I get ?..Then obviously..time passed , after one and a half year of suffering and pain..i got back on my feet..i became strong..now I barely cry..even when I do.. tears won’t come out of my eyes..sometimes I wonder they have dried..heh ?..the only issue that left was loneliness..it’s killing me from inside since my break up..and it still does. I tried going out with some other girl.. but u know I could never trust anyone after my break up..nor I can love anyone again with that passion..plus the memories of my ex keep on haunting me when I try to sleep..so going out with any other girl never worked out till now….i got friends..but u know I can’t call anyone my real friend. u know I can’t share my feelings with anyone..coz they won’t understand. I always have to wear like a fake smiling mask in front of them. now I just don’t know for how long I could bear this loneliness…i barely feel anything now like totally numb nowadays..like I don’t have a reason to live..yet I have to live for my parents..and I am strictly against suicide..i am trying my best to be strong but sometimes I just break down…:/ šŸ™

any suggestions would me much appreciated ..thnx

Hey buddy, I’m sorry to hear about the pain you’re going through but I’m also glad to hear that you feel you’ve become stronger. A breakup is an invaluable life lesson and if you embrace it as a learning experience, youĀ will become stronger.

What is loneliness? Here’s a definition from the University of Florida which I like:

Ā Loneliness is the feeling of being alone and feeling sad about it. And, of course, all of us feel lonely some of the time. It is only when we seem trapped in our loneliness that it becomes a real problem.

It sounds to me that you’re loneliness is not rooted in the fact that you don’t have anyone in your life with whom you can truly be yourself. Your ex-girlfriend was that person, but now that the relationship has ended, you are unable to drop your guard with friends or family.

Your challenge right now has nothing to do with your ex-girlfriend. It has to do with you getting to the point where you have friends with whom you can drop your guard. The masks you feel you’re wearing – they have to go. You don’t need a mask my friend. You need to drop the charades, you are awesome just the way you are. This is the key concept you need to embrace. There is no reason to where a mask, ever.

I am intimately familiar with this topic because I used to wear a lot of different masks myself. I wore one when playing volleyball (yes I played volleyball, don’t hate), I wore a different mask when I was doing research during my Master and I wore yet a different mask when I interacted with my friends.

When I got rid of all my masks, things changed for the better. You see, when you wear a mask, you are hiding your true self. This behavior stems from the artificial need to hide who you really are because you believe it is not sufficient or not fit for the situation. You need to realize that this is a toxic mindset, not to mention that it’s inherently bullshit.

You, my friend, are an awesome human being, regardless. Every time you wear a mask you’re reaffirming to yourself that your true personality is not good enough for people to get to know.

If you’ve thought about it or not, you’ve got a set of values which you believe to be righteous. Every time you put a mask on, you are betraying those values, and something inside you keeps track. Something inside of you keeps track of every time you betray your values and this breeds insecurity, negativity and loneliness.

What you’re missing is the ability, the phenomenon and the habit of truly connecting with other people.

Loneliness is a fundamentally linked with a passive mindset. Again the guys over at the University of Florida are right on the ball:

Loneliness is a passive state. That is, it is maintained by our passively letting it continue and doing nothing to change it.

This touches on the point I try to get across frequently: Pain is involuntary, but you CHOOSE to suffer.

You must become pro-active. You must learn to dissolve your masks and truly connect with your friends and your family. It is this connection that you’re missing and which is causing your loneliness.

How Your Ex-Girlfriend Moved On So Fast

How your ex-girlfriend moved on so fast

One recurring pattern I’ve noticed in the breakup stories that guys share with me is that they are shocked at how (seemingly) fast their ex-girlfriend is able to move on.

Perhaps she started seeing someone elseĀ within days of your breakup, or she left you for another guy. Or maybe she just seems to be handling the whole breakup a lot better than you are.

The question remains: how is she able to move on so fast, and why does all this seem so much harder on you than it is on her?Continue Reading

How to control your emotions after a breakup

Controlling your emotions after a breakupFor many guys a breakup is their first encounter with intense, debilitating emotions. The emotions associated with rejection are visceral and profoundly painful. It’s no surprise that these emotions quickly start running the show.

Where we usually like to think of ourselves as rational creatures, now some previously unknown biological force from within has completely overtaken our mind, body and soul. Basic needs and pleasures such as eating and sleeping suddenly become obstacles, difficult to surmount.Continue Reading

Why No One Understands You

No One Understands YouDo you have the feeling no one understands you? Even though your friends or your family might say they do, or they might relate to you with a similar experience, but it doesn’t feel quite comparable?

Strictly speaking, you’re right. Every relationship, and every breakup is fundamentally unique. You should not be disappointed, nor surprised, if no one understands you. No one is supposedĀ to understand you. At least not completely.

At the same time there is a lot you are going through, that others can relate to. In fact, it’s likely that you have people close to you that went through a very comparable situation. Not feeling understood and feeling alone in your pain is not unique to you, it is one of the symptoms of a breakup!

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No Contact Rule After a Breakup

Go no contactNo contact after a breakup, also known as the no contact rule, is advice routinely passed on to men going through a breakup in order to help them get started in their recovery process. I want to start off by saying that I am a big fan of the no contact rule, simply because it works.

The concept is simple: cease all forms of communication with your ex. Without exception. So no facebook, texting or social media stalking. What is the importance of no contact? And why does it work? I want to take a moment and address these questions and hopefully leave you with a better understanding of the importance of going NC.

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Breakup Advice for Men: 7 Steps to Recovery

Breakup Advice For MenIn this article I’ve tried to summarize a lot of the concepts I talk about on this blog into the most important breakup advice for men. Going through a relationship breakup is excruciating. Feelings of incomprehensible sadness permeate every aspect of your life. There is no doubt in my mind that it’s one of the most painful things there is in life. But – maybe for that reason – over time, it has the capacity to become one of the most profound and inspirational experiences you’ll ever endure. Too many guys out there, however, end up suppressing their grief and do not use the recovery period to learn more about themselves, relationships and themselves in relationships.

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How To Get Over Your Ex-Girlfriend Moving On

How To Get Over Your Ex-Girlfriend Moving OnSeeing your ex girlfriend move on before, you yourself, are ready to take that next step, is a painful experience. It hurts to see someone who was once your closest companion moving on to new things and new people. And it can be devastating to realize that she’s moving on in her life, and you’re clinging on to the past. It might cause you to ask yourself: how do I deal with her moving on? And how long is it going to take to get over her?
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How To Deal With Anger After A Breakup

You have to deal with a lot of different emotions, when going through a breakup, but anger is one the most difficult ones to deal with. You might be angry because of what your ex did to you. You might feel you didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were treated or you might be angry at her for not reciprocating your feelings. Then you might have feelings about your anger, you might feel anxious or guilty about being angry. The key is to recognize when anger can help you, and make your anger workĀ forĀ you, so it will become a healing tool for you during your breakup. Dealing with a breakup ultimately means dealing with your emotions.

If you haven’t read my guide for men on how to get over a breakup, make sure you do that first.

Why Do We Get Angry When We Are Dumped?

It turns out love and hate are intricately linked in the human brain. The basic brain network for rage is closely connected to centers in the prefrontal cortex that process reward-assessment and reward expectation. And when people and other animals begin to realize that an expected reward is in jeopardy, even unattainable, these centers in the prefrontal cortex signal and trigger rage.

The author of Why We Love, Helen Fisher, believes that anger serves the evolutionary purpose of extricating yourself from dead-end matches, lick your wounds and resume your quest for love in greener pastures.

I am not surprised that abandonment rage sometimes erupts into violence. Jilted men and women have wasted priceless reproductive time and energy on a partner who is deserting them.

They must start their courtship search again. Moreover, their reproductive future has been jeopardized – along with their social alliances, their personal happiness, and their reputation.

Their self-esteem is severely damaged. And time is dribbling by. Nature has given us a powerful purgative mechanism to help us release a rejecting mate and get on with living: rage.

In other words, anger is a natural dealing mechanism.

Unfortunately anger doesn’t necessarily cancel out love. It’s possible to be very angry, but still very much in love. All these feelings, luckily, lose intensity over time.

Getting In Touch With Your Anger

Getting in touch with your anger can have many benefits:

  • It will take your ex off the pedestal.
  • It can be a great motivator.
  • It can launch you out of a depression
  • It makes you feel less like a victim
  • It helps you move on emotionally
  • It helps you move past embarrassment
  • It helps you get over your ex and sever the tie with her
But there are also unhealthy ways of dealing with anger. Anger can be a deflector for other feelings that you are going to need come to terms with such as abandonment and grief. It’s easy to hide behind anger in order not to face our deeper emotions. Be cautious of these types of anger:
  1. Righteous Anger. “How could she do this to me?” Itā€™s a way of protecting our bruised egos and dealing with humiliation and rejection. Please be careful to avoid this type of anger. Getting overly involved with your ego will keep you from accepting any accountability and stifle your ability to learn from your breakup.
  2. Revenge.Ā We never want to act on revenge. Acting on revenge can ruin your life. It’s a negative type of energy you need to steer clear from.

Expressing Your Anger

Some ways to express anger
  • Accept your internal struggle with anger, even if it makes you feel anxious at times
  • Donā€™t be too angry at yourself. Take responsibility where needed, but do not carry the full burden of the failure of your relationship
  • If your relationship ended over infidelity, or your ex left you for another guy, keep your anger directed at your ex and not at the other person. Blaming the other person will keep you from focusing on what you need to focus on: figuring out why your relationship ended and healing yourself.Ā Always take the high road.
  • Journal about your anger.
  • Work out. Working out is a great way to release tension and vent your anger. When I was processing my breakup I would be able to always do a couple of extra repetitions just by picturing my ex. The anger I would feel would pump me up and allow me to go that extra inch.

Over time letting go of your anger will definitely help you move on. But to do so you need to feel it, experience it and express it.

Venting your anger will allow you to let go of it, and that will help you move on. To do so, you have to feel it, experience it and express it.

Resources

 

Did this article help you deal with breakup anger? Let me know in the comments! I love hearing from readers!

Embarrassment

Feeling embarrassed after a breakupIf you’ve just broken up, just gotten dumped or your ex left you for another guy, you’re going through a lot of powerful emotions. Although there’s a lot to be said about the different emotions and how best to handle them, I want to focus on a particular emotion in this article: embarrassment.

A lot of guys feelĀ embarrassedĀ during a breakup. A breakup can give you the sense that you’ve been rejected or that people are somehow judging you for it. Both can lead to feelings of embarrassment. The worst part is that it adds up to your other feelings dragging you down. You were already feeling worthless and sad and now you’ve got this embarrassment to deal with. Dealing with a breakup can at times seem as an insurmountable task. It can become hard to get yourself out the front door when you’re feeling like this – let alone get over someone.
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