Dealing with obsessive thoughts

For many of us, our way of dealing with adversity is some form of thinking.

“Oh shit, X happened. What does that mean? What should I do?”

When faced with adversity we try to think our way out of our predicament.

By making sense of what’s going on, we somehow hope to gain control over our condition and escape whatever undesirable state we find ourselves in.

A breakup is a prime example. It’s very common for us to get caught in a mode of thinking.

We may think: “What went wrong? What could I have done? Why did she do this to me?”

It’s worth realizing that thinking is not the only approach to a coping with a sticky situation, but it’s a common one (not thinking aka meditation is often a helpful alternative).

Problem is…thinking doesn’t always work too well. And when it doesn’t, it can actually keep us stuck — or worse, pull us down.Continue Reading

Attached (Amir Levine M.D., Rachel Heller M.A.)

In Attached psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S.F. Heller break down our current understanding of Attachment Theory, how it shapes our relationships and provide us with practical instructions on how to make changes. Attachment Theory is the idea that we evolved with an innate system, the attachment system, that leads us to develop […]

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Interview: Do I miss her? Or do I miss the relationship?

This is an interview with Carl, an old friend from my uni days. I wanted to interview Carl because he’s been in several long-term relationships and he’s lived through several breakups where he wasn’t the initiator. I met up with Carl when his last relationship came to an end and I was struck by how […]

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Interview: It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything.

This is the first a new interviews series I’m doing. In this interview I talk to William, a good friend of mine from college who (at the time of writing) went through a recent breakup with his college girlfriend. This interview is particularly interesting because at the time of writing William feels he is not […]

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Continued hope for reconciliation

From “Why we love” by Helen Fisher: Why do lovers continue to hope, even when the dice of life come up relentlessly against them? Most still hope the relationship will spring back to life—even years after it has ended bitterly. Hope is another predominant trait of romantic love. I think this tendency to hope became […]

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What is the quickest way to get over her?

The quickest way to avoid more pain than you’re already feeling is to make sure you don’t see your ex-girlfriend anymore and aren’t reminded of her anymore. This is incredibly simple advice, but can be very hard to follow. If you do, you will feel the benefits. So much for avoiding more pain — what […]

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Acknowledging your feelings

Throughout the aftermath of your breakup you will feel a wide range of emotions. Some will be more overwhelming than others and some will be less pleasant than others. Our goal is to process these emotions and learn the lessons they are here to teach us. To accomplish that we must strive to acknowledge our emotions […]

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Awareness

A large part, if not the most part, of our behavior is guided by our unconsciousness. Who we are attracted to, when we get mad, what we think about something — we don’t get to *choose* to do any of those things. Even though we have some control over our thoughts, our default mode is […]

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Take responsibility for your own happiness

One of the natural reactions to adversity is viewing yourself as the victim of some external circumstance. We find ourselves in pain and ask “what caused this?” The answer, invariably, is something external. Often, however, the pain we feel is caused, in part, by ourselves. Or at least, propagated by ourselves. No one is going […]

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Reaching your tipping point

You may be reading this and still very much feel in love with your ex-girlfriend. There may have been many signs that would indicate that the relationship is over and she wants nothing to do with you. Yet you cannot let go. You understand intellectually that it’s just chemicals gushing through your brain, but it’s […]

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